Review Summary: Iron Sputnik Episode 1 – Green Day Soufflé
Hello ya’ll and welcome to Iron Sputnik! Today on the table we have a requested meal from one of our kitchen’s fine contributors. We’ve never made something like this before, so let’s go ahead and begin with our concoction! First we’ll need to gather up our ingredients.
Ingredients Needed:
Eighteen helpings of trite and tasteless radio rock
Six teaspoons of generic chord progressions
One and a half cups of smashed ideals
Four tablespoons of bland, humorless lyricism
A dash of bullshit
Alright, we’re ready to begin! Now there are several steps to the preparation of this dish. We have to serenade the materials in what I like to call the ESP Sauce (Energy Sapping Production.) It really adds a new level to the dish and gives it a hint of mediocrity, something that is certainly a familiar feeling on our taste buds. Now that our ingredients have that familiar generic tinge, let’s put in the trite radio rock. Make sure to stir it up nicely, remembering to scoop in the crusty and overused lyrical clichés properly. This will allow the convoluted storyline to simmer up to the top of the mix for everyone to smell. The smashed ideals lead to the disgusting aftertaste that this dish is aiming to have you feel after a few bites. The fact that the lyricism goes against every concept Green Day has ever stood for really adds that extra bitter swirl to the mix. We’ll keep this pot off to the side. Now that we’ve got that basic layout, let’s get some tester’s opinions on the dish layering mix.
Snide: Here you go sir! What do you think?
Taste Tester: Wow, this dish makes me want to take a sword and chop my own dick off.
Snide: Glad you like it!
For our next step we’re going to go ahead and mish-mash the other ingredients in, the real bulk of the album. We’ll start by putting in six teaspoons of generic chord progressions; re-using multiple instrumental segments from the “American Idiot” dish will also add to how uninspired and lazy this album really is. We’ll put in three slabs of guitar rhythms, each of them just as dry, bland and flavorless as the other ones. (I snuck a couple hints of bass in using a tear drop, but it won’t be noticeable at all, so who gives a rat’s ass.) We’ll toss in some drum fills to fill up the gaping holes in the recipe, even though there are still too many gaping holes. It doesn’t matter though right? Let’s just put a leave a lot of room for error, this is an artsy dish after all (or at least that’s what I’ve been told.) Now for the fun part! We freeze it; since this concoction has absolutely no energy to it, heating it up would be pointless. So we’ll leave it overnight to settle.
Snide: So are ya’ll ready to have the finished Green Day Soufflé?
Taste Testers: Yes, we’ve been waiting for almost half a decade.
Now we wait in anticipation, wondering how they’re going to take to this mix. It doesn’t have anything to offer other than rehashes of previous dishes by the same source, but we’ll see if we can sneak it by them.
Taste Testers: It’s great! This should sell well on the Foodboard Top 100!
So what have we learned on today’s Iron Sputnik? That the quality of a dish doesn’t matter, as long as you can rip off what originally made you great, you’ll be able to sell quite well! Artistic integrity doesn’t matter anymore apparently! Next time on Iron Sputnik: Radio Rock Rehab.
21 Guns is fucking terrible.
