Review Summary: Pretty much the ideal campaign album for a Satanic bid for the Presidency.
A formal proposition from Satan to The Hookers, as dictated to me by The Devil Himself on November 4th, in this year of our Dark Lord, 2013.
I realize that it's an off election year and 2016 seems like a long time away to mere mortals, but as I am not a mortal and am in desperate need of something to liven my spirits and pull me out of my post-Halloween depression, I have decided to go ahead and get a jump on my major political rivals and formally announce that I, Satan, will be making a bid for the Presidency of the United States of America in 2016.
There are obviously many important decisions about my campaign that I will have to make in the coming months and years, but the one decision I have already made is that of which album I would like to have represent me as my official theme music on the campaign trail. After a good 6 hours, 6 minutes and 6 seconds of deliberation, I narrowed my selections down to two works, Prince's "1999" and The Hookers' "Satan's Highway". After another 13 seconds of deliberation, I realized that the Prince album might instill associations of failed opportunities (there was no Armageddon in 2000, after all) in voters' minds. So "Satan's Highway" was my winner, but let me tell you why it's such a perfect fit for candidate Satan.
During the run-up to every presidential election you can be certain that some media outlet is going to trot out some talking head to say that somebody thinks that the country is headed down the wrong path, that America needs to change course, get on a different road. Well, I say that they would be hard pressed to find anyone to say that America is headed down the wrong road if America were to get on "Satan's Highway". AllMusic says that The Hookers' debut album is "pure hardcore raunch, utterly lacking in socially redeeming qualities." If that doesn't sound like a road to good times, then I don't know what does.
Once America gets on "Satan's Highway", we will see that we really aren't all that different after all. This album, more than any other I can think of, speaks to the greatest cross-section of potential voters. The title track, "Welcome The Beast" and "Soul Taker" satisfy my base of Satanists and horns throwing metalheads. Songs like "Rock-N-Roll Riot" go a long way toward ensuring the punk rock vote. Female voters are sure to be won over with sensitive ditties like "Hometown Slut" and "Baby, You'll Regret Me". No-nonsense, straight-talking "real Americans" will be able to relate to "Get ***ed" and "We Don't *** Around". Conversely, the deep thinking types will certainly see themselves reflected in the poetry of "Potwhore". Speaking of poetry, both the tender hearted and the diseased brained are sure to adore "Tear You Apart". As for the two most powerful segments of voters, the Christian Right and the Liberal Left, well, I've already got them locked up. When you think about it, who's more liberal than Satan? Of course the Bible thumpers wouldn't put on such a holier-than-thou public appearance if they weren't already so inextricably linked to me.
In the end, what makes "Satan's Highway" so appealing is the same thing that makes candidate Satan appealing. We are both able to stay true to our values without alienating those who we would have follow us. "Satan's Highway" is fast, evil rock'n'roll. There are no detours and all the exit ramps are closed. It's not sophisticated, but it is pure. "Selling out" isn't in its vocabulary, just as it's not in mine. I don't need to sell out. I'm Satan. People sell out to me. I don't need to pander to special interests. Oh Hell! Who am I kidding? I'm just not corrupt enough to make it as a politician. I'm gonna go listen to my Hookers albums now.
Thanks anyway,
Satan
Satan's recommended tracks: Depends on what type of voter you are.
