Review Summary: What did ANY of us do to deserve this?!
If there's one reason any of us watch
Teen Mom, it's because it makes us all feel better about ourselves. I will fess up and admit I'm in that camp. In fact, I'm a sucker for white trash reality TV in general, and Teen Mom is a good example. It makes me look back in my life and remember the sweet little prince I was when I was these girls' ages. My parents always told me to "keep it in your pants, and wearing a condom should you take it out, at least before I came out. Believe me, I'm that kind of person who you don't need to tell anything twice. Clearly these girls aren't. And so imagine my excitement, albeit rather MORBID excitement when it was announced that Farrah Abraham was writing a book, and recording an album. Mind you, I wasn't excited at all because I thought this was going to be a masterpiece. In fact, I was excited in a sort of "Friday by Rebecca Black" way.
The good news is, you don't have to pay any hard earned dough to listen to this, because some brave soul went on iTunes and did the deed for us, and uploaded it to YouTube. The bad news is, contrary to the excitement I mentioned earlier, this album isn't even good enough to be considered "So bad is good". Not even Bad, as in Michael Jackson bad, or Bad to the Bone. It's BAD. This is sthe kind of album you imagine some girl wnt to her basement, read random diary entries into a microphone and auto tuned them to a boring techno beat.
Actually, it's even worse that. The dictionary doesn't even have any words, and I actually checked.
Now nobody should expect any good singing at all on this record, but I'm sure you already knew that. In fact, it sounds like she sang, auto tuned her voice, and then auto tuned her auto tuned voice. At one point during "Caught in the Act", I had to google the lyrics to make sure she wasn't trying to communicate with a malfunctioning android. I couldn't find the lyrics anywhere, so I'll assume she recoded herself using her voice to fix a broken robot, but more on that later.
Lyrics? Alright, as stated earlier, Abraham wrote a book to go along with this. The lyrics, predictably, are Abraham guilt tripping us for 27 long and painful minutes about her teen pregnancy. Though, there are some flashes where it makes zero sense, and as a result, are truly laughable:
Myself out of my own frame
Sick and fight, dreaming up
Doesn't deserve my thing
No boy I am always have
It just takes time
If anybody reading this review would be so kind as to tell me what the blue HELL that stanza from "Finally Getting Up from Rock Bottom" means, I'd gladly pay you $5. As for the guilt tripping, here's a hilarious stanza from "On My Own":
I'm swinging on, I want him
I’m the push behind the swing
I know everything we wanted what we strived for
I wish you could be with me
my hopes have dropped
my sadness flares
my anger is my power
my heart just stares
It's hard to believe that this slipped past any producer, let alone label who were depressed enough to put their name on this. In fact, it sounds as if someone just chose a techno beat from a computer program and threw her "singing" over top of it, because at times it sounds like the vocal melody fits the music! Actually, it NEVER fits the music and sounds like it's from a completely different song.
Don't even spend money on this. Don't even illegally download it. Don't even listen to a 5 second sample of any of the songs. I managed to force myself to listen to all 27 minutes of his dreck, and it certainly wasn't without its difficulty. I figured that being able to sit through all 14 tracks on Rihanna's
Unapologetic was a new feat, but this just pushes it. Look, the point is, just keep as far away from album as you possibly can. If you find a copy of it laying around somewhere, put on a pair of gloves, drop it in a bucket of ice cold water and call poison control, you've got something that is not only toxic, but should be sealed far, far away in an underground vault to prevent from future reference.
