Review Summary: What does it sound like when you sell your soul to Satan? Legion, folks. That's what.
The sound of music? Oh, yes. The sound of hatred? You bet. The sound of perfection? What does a mere mortal know of perfection? They only know what they have experienced as perfection, until something more perfect comes along. Like this album. Legion was conceived 1,978 years ago, when Jesus was on the cross. Satan let loose a mighty roar as he had a massive orgasm and his vile load sizzled into the flames of Hell as the prophet was nailed. This mass of putrid bile hardened into an egg that was tempered by the flames of the 9th level of Hell for 100 years until it was hatched as a Pit Fiend. This Pit Fiend, named Legion(I dare not utter His real name), continued to command the devils of the 9 Hells on His Master's behalf for the next 1,878 years until The Time of the Reckoning, in the year 1992 of the Prime Material.
In 1992, before Deicide were to record their sophomore album, Legion came to them disguised as a one-eyed man, who simply went by the name The Traveler. Legion offered them the things that they thought were real - the sun, the moon, the stars, all them He sealed, He told them. Skeptical at first (who wouldn't be, it's a one-eyed bum that claims he is Odin?), Deicide stroked their chins, eyed each other, then asked The Traveler for a second to talk about it. They made a football huddle, with arms around each other, and began to snicker and decide if this is really a servant of Satan, or just a one-eyed bum. Suddenly, The Traveler burst out with, "Yooour looove for meeeee has juuuuust gooooot to beee reeaal, before you knoooooow the waaaaay I'm gooooing to feeeeeel. I'm gooing to feeeeel. I'm gooing to feeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaal. Oh yeah!" Deicide looked around and looked into His eye, to see who He was. Legion's one eye flashed red for an instant, but just long enough for them to know - this guy is the real deal Holyfield. This guy had to have spawned from fire and brimstone.
From that moment they knew they were going down in history. Legion told them He would be back in the future to collect His fee. They sold their souls, and did not regret it. Although not the first to have this love of Him, they were baptized in flame nonetheless. They entered the studio with Legion with a shît eating grin on their faces. Glen looked at Steve and said, "Are you gellin?" With a smile, Steve said, "You know I'm gellin". "I'm hellin gellin", said Eric. "Are you gellin?", said Eric to Brian. "I'm gellin like a felon, bro". Legion said it would be best to sacrifice 12 sheep, in effigy of the 12 apostles of Christ to start the album off. Waving His hand, 12 sheep were summoned. They all looked at the sheep snarlingly as they "baaahed", and as Legion counted down with his fingers to 0, they burst into action. Sheep parts went flying and blood coated all of the equipment as this beast ripped them to shreds and drank their blood. Sparks erupted from the Hoffman brothers' guitars and actually caught their fretboards on fire. The blood drenched Steve's drum kit so much it muffled the sound of his drumming a bit. It also blinded Glen to the point he roared and chaotically shook his head and went wild on his bass.
Pleased at His work, Legion joined Glen on the microphone and shouted:
Never will they see You lurking in My Shadow
Unbenign the Hands of God!
Numbified existence, Knower of the Wicked
Prophesying flesh of Me!
Daemon call Thee Ancient, travel unto Satan
Bring a forth the blood red sea!
You always wondered who that was didn't you? The backup vocalist on Legion? None other than Legion himself, people. I know this because Legion has visited me and told me these things. He showed me a photograph of the blood-drenched studio, with the guitars aflame, Glen in mid-thrash, and there the one-eyed Traveler was, right beside Glen, with His hand to the camera - |m/. I couldn't believe it at first, it was too much to take in all at once. I was like "Holy". "Shatner", He finished. Yes. Holy Shatner.
There you have it people. The rest is history.
