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To Catch A Raven: Raven's Story

A heartwarming tale.
Invisible touch

The Beginning: Far away from the bowels of America, there was an island: aye, not just any island. This was quite a bizarre and vague place that was usually host to the most motley and bipolar of man: this included many creatures such as a wistful spider janitor, a zesty valedictorian from Diabetic Vagina, TX, but the most powerful and ambitious among them was a seedy creature; we shall call this magnificent species Bob Buppers. For this odd, rebarbative thing deserves a name like anybody else. He was conceived by the daughter of a janitor and a rap artist, who both planned to raise him in order to rob a bank to pay off debts to Satan for all the Atheist albums they had stolen from him, then send him off to pay the debt, and them have him integrate himself into Satan?s society, find his trident, and shove it up Satan?s hot ass. Buppers, as a child, was prickly, artful, his ten years appeared to be seventeen, objectionable, and drank no other beer than Pabst Blue Ribbon. When he found this island, full of redheaded monkeys who jammed to the Miami Sound Machine, he was taken away, and spent most of the money he?d earned from his 212 doctorates in curiosity and other scientific shit that this author can?t understand to make the island: he happily named it Raven Rock.
2Diamond Head
Lightning to the Nations

Raven?s Formation: He had been on the island for thirteen years, finding many odd discoveries during the brink of LSD, when he decided that all of his friends were getting annoying, and he had a total dearth of human companionship, which he missed. His only companions were: a neurotic, 50?s busboy in the form of a light switch; a psychopathic toaster who called himself Jom; a snobbish sink who always turned on hot water to spite people; and an ill-tempered gargoyle who Buppers had presently named Jom. But they were all annoying and they ceased to bicker about pathetically lame music like BTBAM and this upset Buppers. However, he had killed his family after hearing that they had voted for John McCain, and he had no friends because he had blown up his entire school. So he then decided to get the materials necessary to make a human ? genetic material and makeup, mead, hot pockets, Satanic demon flesh, lion eggs, and best of all, the brain / semen of a human raven hybrid. Unfortunately for Buppers, the human raven hybrid was an insane sociopath who was infected with OCD and diabetes.
Piece of Time

The Creation: At last when Buppers was done, he got to work, throwing himself into making Raven?s amazing body: he would be the perfect American citizen. After a week of nonstop, there stood Raven: and Buppers was shocked but immensely proud. Raven looked like the combination of an underfed chimpanzee and an anthropomorphically retarded snake from something like Disney or shit if Disney wasn?t so gay: he seemed to have black hair glued onto his skull (which it was because Buppers ran out of money), his sclera color was wrong, he seemed to wear a permanent scowl because his gums were pulled back and teeth arranged in a way that they seemed like fangs: he twitched his head like a raven when he emerged, was immensely tall (Buppers was at six feet and Raven dwarfed him), seemingly obsessed with alcohol because the minute Raven was born and blinked and got adjusted to the sun and Buppers said, shaking, ?Welcome? my SON!? Raven screamed ?WHERES THE FUCKIN MANHATTANS??. He seemed like a gangly panhandler and took immense interest in Bupper?s many albums, in particular Pink Floyd and Rush and all of his thrash.
Mickey Unrapped

Later: Buppers was shocked by his appearance, but he loved him all the same, and he devoted himself to becoming Raven?s best and only friend, teaching him about the world: that it was run by crackheads who jacked to pictures of fatass girls in cowboy boots and mounted men as often as their women, and that they were the only specimen of decency left in the world. Buppers also taught him to be spiteful towards his high school enemies: these high school enemies went by the clever pseudonyms of Sonictheplumber, Potsy, and KILL. At first Raven didn?t understand, but he was raised to believe this relatively motley men were worthless, mentally and sexually deformed, insane, hateful, slobbering, animalistic, and deserved to be persecuted and left broken and penniless. Raven had a few oddities ? he listened to Rush way too often and seemed to have a nasty obsession with thrash metal; he acted prickly often, though it is implied that this came from Buppers?s occasional behavior. But these were all merely discrete things: his obsession with Pepsi-Cola was the most disastrous. He would pound eighteen of them and then weave complex tales of how he raped female demons in Cuba. But Buppers loved him unconditionally.
Fly by Night

Later More: One day, Raven let loose. Buppers was currently very pleasantly jacking off to Slayer?s South of Heaven after a long day of splicing Octopus and Chinese Jackal Walrus DNA and making tentative plans to kidnap a test subject from the Black Mountain Bluegrass Hoedown Experience and Hot Dog Eating Challenge, Raven had snuck out of his chamber. He had recently proceeded to kill every one of his appliance inhabitants, by throwing the toaster in the sink as it sputtered to death, crying out for vengeance when Raven would have bread and no way to toast it. He also killed the light switch by turning it off, the gargoyle Jom by throwing him into the ocean, and killed the sink in the most brutal way possible: filled it up with sand and dirt and mud as it drowned and choked.
6Pink Floyd
The Final Cut

Later Some More: At last, Raven proceeded to storm the lab and, fueled by Pepsi-Cola, his insane masculinity, his love for thrash and the furious masturbation he had recently enacted, he destroyed the lab, chemicals flying everywhere and getting into his midlength black hair, the whole scene like a scientific death metal album: eventually he bathed in broken glass and put it in his mashed potatoes and then ate those mashed potatoes like a champ. Anyways, after cleaning up a little (thank God the shower didn?t talk), he came to Buppers? room, who had heard nothing because he had started closing his door and soundproofing it because those fucking appliances kept ranting when he was trying to peacefully whack off to Playboy issues of Sarah Silverman. Raven kicked down the door, blood staining his teeth, insanity filling his tiny eyes, his bony hands clutching the knife and getting ready to enact his plan.
Voodoo Highway

This plan was to bore a hole into hell and then unleash demons, spirits, malevolent creatures, half octopus Gods, massive serpents, beasts, phantoms, huge owls like on the Fly by Night cover, genetically altered scorpions, et cetera, and then use them to destroy America, and then he would turn America?s ruins into a large water park and Summer Home, where Rush played twenty-four seven: he would use the revenue from Ravenopolis to then open a large chain of family-style restaurants and motels in Europe, and then use the guests in his motel rooms in scientific experiments to kill the Queen in England, and then after killing the Queen, start his diet pill pyramid scheme, and then use all of his wealth and reviled reputation to bomb Russia and Japan: once they were removed, China and Australia as well, he would be the King of the entire World, which would enable him to buy every Rush album and concert ticket ever.

Ching Chang Chong: Buppers believed he was having a nightmare, and he backed away into the wall, apprehensive, begging and bribing Raven into not killing him, offering him infinite Pink Floyd albums, including the unreleased demo tapes, but Raven said this and only this: ?DEAAAAAAATH? After Buppers?s jaw dropped (far enough into the ground that he met the mouth of hell), Raven slit his throat, his chest taking deep inhales and exhales as if he?d just remorselessly killed a bunch of baby rabbits. It was after that that Raven?s split personality disorder started growing: he adopted many names for each of these personalities ? Telex, Killerhit? all of them were very discrete and significant to him and would help him. And so, preparing to bore a hole into hell, he decided to enact his months, even years-long plan and take refuge in an unknown ghetto called Sputnikmusic, with evil in his heart, insanity in every vein, and his dreams full of blood-soaked revenge? and Rush. Little did Raven know that his destiny awaited him there.
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