Koris
Brendan Schroer
Contributor

Reviews 210
Soundoffs 119
News Articles 26
Band Edits + Tags 47
Album Edits 31

Album Ratings 2944
Objectivity 68%

Last Active 05-23-22 7:09 am
Joined 04-27-15

Forum Posts 48
Review Comments 14,887

 Lists
04.21.22 Weight Loss Journey04.08.22 Users' 1 choices REVIEWED
01.20.22 Metal Archives Quote Megathread 07.28.21 Classical Piece #3!
07.01.21 🎬🎮JULY SOTD: Sputnik Picture Soun 05.07.21 I HAVE TO RANK THE WHALES!!! (Gojira ra
03.20.21 My One Piece Adventure02.01.21 Classical Piece #2!
01.11.21 Composed a new classical piece!01.29.19 Boygenius Cover
01.29.19 New Poem01.14.19 New Vocal Cover
01.01.19 Happy New Year Everyone12.21.18 Top 20 of 2018
03.25.18 Anyone close to Virginia?03.24.18 New Song!!!
03.06.18 Top Ten Meshuggah Songs [2]01.19.18 My Recent Purchases
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Metal Archives Quote Megathread

So obviously a lot of us like to dunk on Metal Archives for their overt elitism and and ridiculous writeups. Well, I decided to make a list compiling the site's funniest/cringiest review excerpts; I'll keep updating it as I find more good ones, or if anyone else comes across ones I missed. Also, I'm not going to name the MA users I'm quoting from, because I don't want to be that much of an ass.
1Meshuggah
Nothing


"While I respect all kinds of artistic effort and never give out a 0% rating, Meshuggah really asked for it here. Both for making an album so bad that calling it shit would be an insult to shit, and for killing their old selves and creating a shitty pseudo-metal band that middle-class minnow teens who think they're tough can enjoy.

Highlights: Fuck you, no highlights." 0/100
2Pantera
Vulgar Display of Power


"It would be one thing for the band to be as horrendous as they are - but to be so influential, and such obvious hacks - it's a travesty. How could such a completely worthless band become so popular and widely acclaimed? I could believe it's a conspiricy bigger than the JFK assassination, The Illuminati, Skull and Bones, Roswell and 9-11 combined. How else could I hope to explain that and still retain any sort of optimism toward humanity?" 0/100
3Gojira
From Mars to Sirius


"I don't even want to talk about this anymore. From Mars to Sirius is just boring as fuck and that's about all there is to say about it. It slogs on and on through the same handful of tricks for a torturous amount of time and genuinely gives me a headache to listen to. I can dig simple shit, I think Amon Amarth used to be absolute titans when it came to making the most basic beginner level riffs sound like the coolest shit in the world, but Gojira absolutely misses the mark." 30/100
4Metallica
Master of Puppets


"Random hippie crap, combined with a few random recycled Mustaine moments, all held together by the glue of Hetfield's average riff constructions - perfectly suitable for an average, mediocre, fifth-rate garage thrash ensemble. And Ulrich's megalomania, that realised that this steaming pile of directionless garbage was THE universal solution to bringing him fame. Not that it was any good - precisely because it WASN'T. Because it was mediocre, any idiot with an axe could be like Hetfield now, and if Ride the Lightning sold a whole fuckload of copies, then Master of Puppets, on inertia alone, would sell a whole fuckload more, and thus the seed was set. And that, my friends, is why Lars Ulrich is the worst thing ever to happen to heavy fucking metal." 0/100
5Machine Head
Burn My Eyes


"And, frankly, that style of music blows ass. You take a perfectly good genre of music, and poop on it. There really is no good reason why, other than "it hadn't been done before". New shit is still shit. That's just how the world works. It's music like this that is the precursor to fucking mallcore. Look what you've done, you goddamn imbeciles. You took thrash and speed metal and turned it into this swill. Stupid squeal guitar, awful clean vocals, and other derivatives of modern filth that are pretty much a rebellion against common sense." 34/100
6Wintersun
Wintersun


"Add to that a terrible idea of flow and structure and then make it all spew forth from one of the most intensely unlikeable cocks in metal and you end up with a pretty shitty album overall. Jari Maenpaa folded with a focus and intensity normally seen only in successes. I'm not gonna call the fans a bunch of turds who are entertained by jingling keys and believe that something is majestic and beautiful simply because it has keys and they're told as such, but OH LOOK GO GET THE BALL! *throws tennis ball*

PS - I hate how "Jari Maenpaa" is on the album art. God forbid somebody mistake this as a band effort instead of all coming from his one glorious, genius imagination. I hope he swallows a bumble bee." 34/100
7Whitechapel
This Is Exile


"Fuck this pathetic band, they are brainwashing people and commercializing extreme music by the masses with it’s accessibility in the sound, it’s pathetic and I can’t understand how any real metalhead can be fooled by this. I want to seriously warn people because I see folks going around all the time telling others that Whitechapel is the band to stick with because it’s brutal deathcore or some form of lies. This is the most stereotypical form of breakdown laden deathcore with an edge of wanting to be ‘brutal’ by adding in other fake elements in an attempt to trick real metalheads; fortunately we’re smart enough to realize this… not so much with the other easily brainwashed folk." 0/100
8Meshuggah
Pitch Black


"This band really reminds me of the soft-heavy, quiet-loud nu-meddle from the early 2000s. The fact that Meshuggah receives so much praise is almost scary because the music is so brain dead simple and arranged in such a boringly linear fashion that this comes off as being no more complex than AC/DC. Throw out the calculus and math arguments about the counterpoints (really clean guitar augmenting bowel movement sounds) and the "complex time signatures" (really just a drummer changing his pattern around lifeless riffs) and you end up with nu-meddle." 0/100
9Deafheaven
Sunbather


"Understandably, I've had maybe 5-10 people recommend that I try listening to Sunbather. Which... given the irony of the genres here, is quite a task, because post-black metal to me doesn't read as my forte. That said, given the amount of praise (or, lack thereof, in some cases) with this album I keep getting, I feel... ever so more inclined. So... fuck it. This review is for you guys. You people who won't shut the fuck up about it. I'm nailing this down in the coffin. You guys deserve to know I fucking despise this record, and my job right now is to communicate to you why everything about this album reads to me like senseless dribble garbage garage fuck noise that I didn't need to hear." 15/100
10Winds of Plague
Resistance


"This music has no meaning - it was written solely for the use as a backdrop for social interaction among the unwise. This heaping mass of rotting diarrhea ("album") destroys brain cells and causes wiggerfication faster than other wigger culture related activities like "huffing paint" and "smoking meth". I wouldn't wish this level of banality to reach the ears of my own worst enemy. If you care about better education, a destiny among the stars, anything - steer clear of this album that might as well have been the Insane Clown Posse's response to Metallica's Lulu. Avoid at all costs. Vapid (file next to Fallujah and Opeth)." 0/100
11Slipknot (CT)
Slipknot


"Holy moses! It’s Slipknot on the Archives! What an abomination. Oh..wait..1980? Ah, well this is certainly not the infamous Slipknot we all know and despise." 90/100
12Liturgy
Aesthethica


"I'll admit: Liturgy is not nearly the god awful obstruction we might have been led to believe through the front man's rambling. But the only boundaries being pushed here are those of my bowel walls." 43/100
13Opeth
Damnation


"It really is difficult to point out a standout track, as every single one of them is horrid, but if I had a gun to my head, I would say track 3 “Death Whispered a Lullaby,” as it has vocals that don’t sound as if they were coming from a dying victim. The reason that this album is not memorable is because for the most part it’s boring uninspired shit. If the album contained more tracks like “Death Whispered a Lullaby,” this might have been an okay album." 20/100
14Agalloch
The Mantle


"The rest is pretty much the same as A Celebration for the Death of Man. Grey, soulless half-metal. This album is the perfect sound track for filing a tax report, clipping your toenails, or mopping the floor. Anyone who likes this should consider a career in accounting - if this is interesting music to you, accounting will be like skydiving without a parachute while injecting pure adrenaline into your eyeballs." 15/100
15Pantera
Far Beyond Driven


"So riffage is the most responsible agent for this explosion of bad-assness, with some pretty much mind bending solos that rip your brain cells like heroin does to a junkie. The riffs are pretty much simple at some points, and I read in some review that, I quote "anyone could have thought off this shit". OK, AC/DC's riffs are all pretty much simple and basic, and yet many people, including me, appreciate them and their work, and If you don't you're a fucking retarded." 90/100
16Exhorder
Slaughter in the Vatican


“This is great fucking THRASH here - sure it has that Louisiana sound do it at times, but without ever sacrificing the RIFFS. Yes kids, if you want to write good metal, make sure to include lots and lots of riffs. Now drink your fucking milk and fuck off and die.” 83/100
17Sepultura
Roots


“It has rightfully earned not only the honor of being stamped with The Royal Seal of Gayness, but the top status as valedictorian of the class for its helping spread the mallcore virus through the classrooms of crappy core high school, where all metal ceases to be.” 0/100

“My God, this album is so fucking atrocious. It's the equivalent of shitting on the ceiling. Sure, it's different, and takes some effort, but in the end, it's just shit all the same.” 8/100
18Iron Maiden
Iron Maiden


"I'm always kind of intimidated when I approach albums (and bands) such as this one just because I feel hopelessly out of my element. Iron Maiden doesn't feature nearly enough slams to make it into my personal collection of favorites; there's a complete lack of wiggerisms in the lyrics, and gravity blasts are all but totally absent. You have to keep in mind that when it comes to metal, I really got into the scene through black and death, skipping most of the formative heavy and thrash bands most people are listening to long before Morbid Angel. This makes listening to bands like Iron Maiden sort of an odd, reverse-formative experience; in short, it's sort of alien to me, especially because I don't feel the sort of connection to bands like this one that others do. "Altars of Madness?" Of course, inspires youthful joy like nothing else. But "Powerslave?" I'm not so sure." 54/100
19Metallica
Master of Puppets


"And heavy metal is about BALLS. It's about riffs, it's about smashing a spike through the brains of the listener, making him/her/it perk up and die hard. It's about the slow, twisting zombie passages of Triumph of Death. It's about the flash and the colour and the violence of Chainsaw Charlie. It's about the constant multidirectional bludgeon of From the Past Comes the Storms. It's CERTAINLY NOT about Hetfield moaning "leave me be..." like a thousand other assrape victims to come. But, unfortunately, this is what the world caught onto." 0/100
20Morbid Angel
Covenant


"Seems that no one can stop the fury of a crazy drummer and the fast solos. Vincent's growls, so inspired by Cronos but heavier, describe the tortures and the deaths of the Christians, operated by the Romans in the arenas. Oh, fuck…simply orgasm for my ears and my mouth when I sing those lyrics." 96/100
21Death
Individual Thought Patterns


"His vocals definitely aren't as bad here as they would be on the next two albums, but that doesn't really make me think better of them in any case. If lyrics about goat fucking and Satan's penis will make for a more exciting vocal performance, I'll take those any day over Evil Chuck monotonously ranting about how everyone thinks they're smart but they're not, and also a plethora of other things that I don't really care about. Ghouls attacking a church to crush the holy priest seems like an infinitely more fun activity to do, anyway." 20/100
22Kreator
Pleasure to Kill


"The next song is "Death is your Saviour" and it's title speaks for itself.... You don't even have to read the lyrics in order to understand that if you don't like this album and you don't bang your head like a maniac while listenning to these lethal riffs, the meaning of it is that you're a fuckin' poseur who doesn't understand what metal is all about and only an immediate death could save you from your meaningless existance! I was really surprised to discover that this song's lyrics have nothing to do with poseurs..... Well, death to the fuckin' poseurs again, anyway!" 100/100
23Opeth
Blackwater Park


"This is not HEAVY FUCKING METAL the way it is supposed to be played - nothing comes out and screams "On your knees!! I want you on your knees!" like metal is supposed to do. Yes, I subscribe to some pretty old-fashioned metal ideas, that metal is supposed to be impressive and majestic and arouse me into battle frenzy. Not this." 3/100
24Celtic Frost
Monotheist


"Whatever riffs you want to imagine on Monotheist, it's really the kind of shit they tried on Prototype to dream of baiting Korn and System of a Down fans into the morbid fold. That demo was shelved because it was as pathetic and obvious a "we follow every trend"-circus as Cold Lake, but the idea survived, it was simply reshaped to appear "more Celtic Frost" by changing the aesthetics. Same pitiful style of non-riffs, but re-imagined slower and sadder so the jumpdafuckup won't jump da fuck in your face as much, given a monolithic sound that courts similarities to the legendary Apocalyptic Raids EP and whoosh everyone is happy. You couldn't do the same with a Papa Roach album, because while musically it would be the same if treated to the same aesthetic change, Monotheist succeeds entirely on brand recognition. So the mind of the listener goes from "Oh this is a gothed up nu-metal album" to "Oh Celtic Frost are back with this dark and crushing sound."" 5/100
25Megadeth
Countdown to Extinction


"My single biggest reservation about this album and Megadeth after Rust in Peace is Marty Friedman. The music speaks for itself. As soon as he got a little leeway to give his share, he softened the band with his "rock" riffs and sub-par contributions. The guy can play the shit out of a guitar, but apparently Megadeth "wasn't aggressive enough for him." And this is the guy who played on Risk, Cryptic Writings, Youthanasia, and CTE, the softest albums of Megadeth's career because of him. Go shove Peace Sells...But Who's Buying up your ass you pretentious poser and learn what aggressive really means."

"As Dr. Evil says: "You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the diet Coke of evil." This is the Diet Coke of Megadeth's career. The beginning of the end." 73/100
26Mastodon
Leviathan


"In an interview, Mastodon claimed to be "cooler" than Dream Theater because Dream Theater "look gay" and James LaBrie "sounds gay like an opera singer" and various other things involving the word "gay". Gay or not (and the fact that they're all married with kids suggests otherwise), Dream Theater have infinitely better vocals, more interesting riffs, decent leads, and no groove/core bullshit (except in Train of Thought). Sorry, Mastodon, but you and your record are not cool. Not cool at all." 55/100
27Dream Theater
Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory


"This story goes nowhere interesting and only ends with two of the three characters dead; a happy ending would have all of them dead, probably from suicide from realize that they're living inside a soap opera. I also don't understand why the dude in the present just had to go back to relive a stupid drama like this. Surely if he had traveled back further in his reincarnation history, he would have come across a Spartan, pirate, viking, or even a prostitute. If this soap opera is the most exciting past life he could get, his other lives must have been filled with Arabian carpet merchants, Irish sheep herders, and Indian garbage men." 21/100
28Strapping Young Lad
City


"If it comes to industrial metal, Godflesh and Ministry managed to be percussive and relentless, but not this. This is no guitar god business for sure. The drums are also very, very mechanical and accurate, but the rhythms are lacking flexibility and hearing such simplistic songs does not make me too happy. Devin is the main figure for this album. This guy has got balls for an entire army of freshly-fired taxi drivers. He is loud as fuck, he possesses a great voice, but here fucking comes the fucking problem... These fucking lyrics would have fucking been written by my fucking five fucking year old fucking sister as well. Fucking dumb." 43/100
29Black Label Society
1919 Eternal


"It's the worst BLS I've ever heard, not that their other efforts are exactly beacons of magnificence. The flamenco bit will probably make you shit your pants, but the rest of the album is more or less a fitting soundtrack to the act of cleaning it up. You'll feel pretty much the same about doing either." 19/100
30Opeth
Still Life


""Serenity Painted Death" blazes forward at breakneck speed... well, for these guys anyway. I hope they didn't break too many bones playing at over 110 beats per minute." 6/100
31Waking the Cadaver
Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler


"Waking The Cadaver have the image of dirty baseball snapbacks, oversized Kraanium and Vulvectomy t-shirts, and basketball shorts you get at Wal-Mart for 5 hard earned American dollars. They are the men with the "dankest of kush" and the "greasiest of foreskins." Take all this imagery and plug it into the grimy sewer known as brutal death metal. It fits! It really fucking fits." 95/100(???)
32Testament
Demonic


"Kill me now. About 1/3 of Testament’s catalogue sucks, and this is the worse of them all. Demonic Refusal (stupid fucking title) starts off with a boring intro and.. pig squeals??? Yeah, Chuck, slam called, they want their unlistenable vocal technique back. This guy can sing, and he choses to go oink oink?" 15/100
33Gojira
The Link Alive


“I can imagine that the mosh pits at a Gojira would be quite strange, I picture a bunch of strange Frenchmen in checkered pants and bunny costumes diving and decking one another to the violent jerking of the band's almost menstrual rhythms.” 45/100
34Cynic
Traced in Air


"This guy filtered his vocals through about forty thousand synthesizers, machines and other programs that make his vox sound like a god damn robot. Sorry. This 'trend' has never been cool. And by trend I mean the one hit wonder pussies on the radio who do that R&B garbage. Admittedly, he isn't as annoying because his vocals are entirely robotic rather than having that 'twang' the R&B pussies have, but they still suck." 14/100
35Haken
Aquarius


"Okay, seriously, I don’t know that much about prog, but I know what I like, and in the prog I like that I’ve heard, those jerky, schizophrenic sections are the means to an end, never the end itself. They’re used to paint splotchy, colorful, quirky portraits that come alive with vibrance and energy. When Haken does it, it just sounds stupid and wrongheaded. They have as much articulation as a damn hand puppet made by a paraplegic, as much artistry as a one-eyed, half-retarded caveman. The mood is grotesquely fruity and fakely cheery"

"Okay, I gotta talk about the vocals – it’s the proverbial Elephant in the Review. What’s this guy’s name – Ross Jennings? He looks like a bad European attempt at channeling one of those old Spanish romantics you’d see in soap operas, with the wide-brimmed black hat and the goatee and the rose in his mouth and all. " 0/100
36Sonata Arctica
Ecliptica


"Oh yeah and there are ballads too. I will not begin to describe them, choosing to say only that my time would have been better spent if I had chosen to, instead of listening to them, anally pleasure an adult male rhinoceros.

Oh yeah and for the certain people that think this is better than Painkiller? "EVIL'S GOING UNDER DEADLY WHEELS!!!!!" You know who you are." 15/100
37Stratovarius
Episode


"This rate also comes because they are part of the bands that ruined the epicness and bravery of power metal, making place for flower metal. Power metal can have some beautiful moments as mentioned above, but when you do not have RIFFS (like Virgin Steele or Queensryche), everything loses its sense, and what you have are power metal fakes." 10/100
38Pantera
Cowboys from Hell


"“Cemetery Gates” could have been a much better ballad than it is... It begins quietly with some acoustic guitar lines, but when Anselmo's vocals kick in... Man, he tries to sound very emotional and all, but he ends up sounding like a fucking copy of Corey Taylor. Emotional vocals? Heartfelt vocals? My ass!" 45/100
39Lamb of God
Sacrament


"The band made a video for "Redneck", and that was what really got on my nerves moreso than anything. It was a stereotypical MTV-friendly video that would be similar to the likes of any A7X or Bullet For My Valentine video, about a girl's birthday party that "tuffxguys" Lamb Of God comes to play at! Of course they have to come in the girl's backyard and crush her blowup pool, because that's what happens in every shitty video like this. All in all it just made me angry how they were on an RV with hot girls, because whatever "metal" was left in Lamb of God just got fucking Annihilated." 35/100
40Hellyeah
Hellyeah


"I guess I'll throw in 3 points for not being quite as big of posers as Annihilator. There you have it. A generous 8 points.

It really is too bad that Vinnie Paul was the one who lived....

RIP Dimebag" 8/100
41Annihilator
Metal


"If I had my way, everyone who gave a positive review for this album would be deemed a poser and banished from the Archives forever! I guess that's why I am not in power :'(" 0/100
42Death
The Sound of Perseverance


"And now, we come to this album's main fucking flaw. Chuck... seriously... just SHUT THE FUCK UP!. If he couldn't growl with some fucking BALLS, WHY did he do it at all? His 'death growls' are some of the most bitchy, cat-like versions of the vocal style I have ever heard. As autothrall said, they sound 'like a little girl'. Ooh, just what I always wanted, a grown man screaming like a little girl on a 'death metal' album!" 3/100
43Fear Factory
Demanufacture


"Fear Factory tried too hard to be badass here on this album. These shit-smeared mongoloids have produced one of the worst metal albums to exist. The fame overshadowed the actual ability of the band. It faded out before they could ride it's coattails all the way back into social relevancy. Unless you, just like a one night stand, got drunk and got stuck with this forsaken problem-child are still listening to the other festering bowel movements they've released. If only you noticed it sooner then you could've aborted this fetal issue, but now you've let it get 17 years old and no one wants it." 0/100
44Ulver
Blood Inside


"Yes folks, there is supposedly music in here somewhere though I have yet to personally hear it. Worse than the layers, though, at least I believe it's worse it's so difficult to decide for sure, is the incoherent noise than dominates the majority of the album. This is not musical noise, or noise-oriented music. This, is straight up fucking noise, period. Noise that can be heard on any Godspeed You Black Emperor or Sigur Ros album, so if you're lost on the concept of musicians creating music and you enjoy a bunch of dudes making noise to sell to you then Blood Inside will tickle you pink." 5/100
45Ulver
Bergtatt - Et eeventyr i 5 capitler


"Chapter IV : A Voice is Calling: pretty fucking abysmal, almost as bad, if not as bad as drawing down the moon (that album doesn't deserve capitalisation), lame, boring guitar riffs and whispered vocals which sucks. The song isn't metallic but hey, what would you expect from such a dull song? This song is the reason why this album lost 10 points" 70/100
46Meshuggah
Contradictions Collapse


"The band was accepted into the Metal Archives based on their material up to and including Contradictions Collapse."
47Killswitch Engage
The End of Heartache


"Clean out your fucking ears for a moment, or better let, floss them with barbwire and vintage Razor records, and see the forest for the trees, you apathetic swine. The End of Heartache is more like the Persistence of a Headache, so fragmented and pathetic that I'd rather listen to Justin Bieber lipsync Jonas Brothers covers for the 40 minutes here that do not include "And Embers Rise"." 12/100
48Spawn of Possession
Incurso


"The problem however with the Michael Bay approach to songwriting is that when every scene is something exploding or some dudes yelling while firing their uberhightech sci fi guns in bullet time is that all these normally tolerable tricks of the trade pretty much lose all their taste in the same way trying to finish an entire bucket of Halloween sweets in under an hour does; maybe the arpeggiated-neoclassical-phrygian-sweep-chord-shred-whatever-the-fuck-these-are-supposed-to-be-called was fine for the first few times but when you have a few hundred more essentially interchangeable sections each competing to outdo the other with pure wow factor, the effect is lost quickly and you find yourself reaching for the barf bag." 4/100
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