TheAnalyzer
User

Reviews 1
Approval 100%

Album Ratings 24
Objectivity 45%

Last Active 11-19-10 4:40 pm
Joined 11-19-10

Review Comments 106

 Lists
11.01.11 Sputnik Profiles: Irving12.20.10 Sputnik Profiles: Nagrarok
12.18.10 Sputnik Profiles: Willie/jethro 4212.17.10 Sputnik Profiles: Sea/satellite
12.16.10 Sputnik Profiles: Michael Jordan12.15.10 The Analyzer Goes Public
12.14.10 Sputnik Profiles: Special Double Editio12.14.10 Sputnik Profiles: Qwe3
12.10.10 Sputnik Profiles: Emim12.09.10 Sputnik Profiles: Jesuslaves
12.06.10 Sputnik Profiles: Inveigh12.03.10 Sputnik Profiles: Andcas
11.30.10 Sputnik Profiles: Intothepit11.29.10 Sputnik Profiles: Redskyformiles
11.24.10 Sputnik Profiles: Ballstothewall11.23.10 Sputnik Profiles: Returntorock
11.19.10 Sputnik Profiles: Winsomniac11.19.10 Sputnik Profiles: Kill

Sputnik Profiles: Sea/satellite

Going to do two anonymous user submitted ones today. Eric, I did not write yours nor did I have anything to do with the score, although I find your 7.4 quite humorous. Someone provided most of the material for Sattys but was too fucking lazy to write it out, so I helped with that part, which I won't do again.
1Neutral Milk Hotel
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Strengths: Being a pretty nice guy and a competent reviewer, with good taste to boot. Loyal and literate, user SeaAnemone almost always acts with good intentions. His greatest power, however, takes after the squishy invertebrate that is his namesake. Often the first to defend any of his many friends, once Eric sees an enemy, he promptly engages in a stalwart defense, bitterly stinging any and all adversaries with an array of poisonous verbal nematocysts he has grown over the years. Once this mechanism is engaged, Sea rarely relents until the threat has either passed or passed away. Overall, the users within his friend circle often find great solace and comfort in his words, and a welcome home within the heart of the SeaAnemone.
2The National
Boxer

Weaknesses: Despite all his formidable strengths, user SeaAnemone seems to be one of the users most vulnerable to trolling. As soon as his defenses are activated, Sea enters a state of perpetual seriousness, and often stubbornly refuses to acknowledge any traces of facetiousness or sarcasm in his perceived adversaries, no matter how blatant they may be. Many a lol-seeking troll has wandered into the den of the SeaAnemone in hopes of inciting an irritated response, perhaps the reason user SeaAnemone evolved in such a manner to begin with.
3Dangers
Anger

Posting Tendencies: The SeaAnemones musical diet consists mostly of Indie, Post-Rock, and Emo, but he has been known to occasionally indulge in various other genres, as long as they are easily digestible and to his liking. As one of the nice-guys of Sputniks upper echelons, Sea can even be found wandering into unfamiliar musical territory to comment in characteristic seriousness in the reviews of fellow users. His natural habitat, however, lies in the threads of users he has befriended, especially those of the staff members he almost continuously fellates with his many soft organelles.
4Frightened Rabbit
The Midnight Organ Fight

Famous For: Being a generally agreeable higher-up, getting very upset over clearly petty disputes long after the concerned parties have resigned, and the sheer amount of effort he puts into nearly everything he does. As anyone who has read one of his posts can attest, Sea has a penchant for trying so hard and being so serious almost all of the time that his prose exudes a nearly visible aura of superiority and unwavering righteousness. Hes also rumored to be pretty good-looking and athletic, even model-status.
5Elliott Smith
Elliott Smith

Overall Sputnik Score: 7.4 out of 10, or In Sputnik terms, somewhere above great, but not quite excellent. TheAnalyzer believes SeaAnemone is a well-rounded and much-adored user who plays an integral part in the Sputnik community, but should probably lighten up a bit, and not be so quick to go on the defensive.
6The Hold Steady
Boys and Girls in America

Satellite is one of Sputnik's more amicable users (most of the time), and excels highly at positioning himself as the Godfather of all things punk related. Satellite has no known enemies and has proven to be exceedingly knowledgeable in the arenas of punk rawk and Hardcore. An avid Sports fan, Satellite rarely fails to remind us that he was a totally awesome baseball player back in his day and can hold his own in any sports conversation. He is also an highly skilled member of the restaurant service industry, and is the literal blueprint of the server cliche (ie he shows up drunk, takes smoke breaks to bake up, has probably banged at least 4 hostesses, yet still manages to get good enough tips to support himself through college and has managed to not get fired yet.) Overall, Satellite is a stand-up dude and of one Sputnik's most liked users.
7Bomb the Music Industry!
Goodbye Cool World

Weaknesses: While Satellite is amicable to most polished users, he has a tendency to lapse into douche mode similar to Qwe when addressing new users, attempting to assert some authority as a Sputnik elder. Satellite also has a penchant for masochism, as noted by his love of the worst football franchise in the past 25 years, and the extremely questionable decision to be a Vegan, something that makes the Analyzer suspect his sexuality as a whole. Also, despite numerous false promises to do so, the user Satellite has yet to post a review despite bragging incessently about his writing skills that no one knows about nor can confirm, although it most certainly will be a fap fest over some obscure punk band that only he, Kirgasm, and Evedder give a shit about.
8Elliott Smith
XO

Posting Tendencies: Satellite is such a raging BTMI! fanboy that even with the off chance he was banging Scarlett Johannesen and Zoey Deschanel in an array of Vegan approved tofu and pouring Soy Milk all over their tits, if someone posted anything in a BTMI! thread he would literally bolt away from their sweaty, naked, writhing bodies to post in some banal, fanboyish way. Satellite can be seen on virtually any punk, Hold Steady, or Hardcore thread on Sputnik, and tends to stalk both punk related and his bro's lists. Will also join any sports related thread to brag about the Detroit Tigers, since they are the only team he likes that even has a remote chance for any type of respectability.
9The Clash
London Calling

Famous For: incessantly recommending obscure punk bands and introducing the site to bands like the Menzingers and The State Lottery, being a raging BTMI! fanboy and being voted the site's punk rock authority, working in the food industry yet still maintaining Vegan Status, being a bleeding heart liberal, being a quasi hipster but still managing to be cool, totally fucking around during his late teen years and only starting college at the age of 23, being an overall awesome Sputnik user.
10The State Lottery
When the Night Comes

Score: 8.5. Satellite has few weaknesses aside from associating himself with hippies and having questionable sports related loyalties. His knowledge of the punk genre is almost unrivaled on Sputnik, and he consistently provides strong recommendations to virtually anyone that cares to listen. He should probably get off his ass and write this "review" he's been promising like it was the 2nd coming of Christ, but until then Satellite will continue to instill himself among the Sputnik elite.
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