TheAnalyzer
User

Reviews 1
Approval 100%

Album Ratings 24
Objectivity 45%

Last Active 11-19-10 4:40 pm
Joined 11-19-10

Review Comments 106

 Lists
11.01.11 Sputnik Profiles: Irving12.20.10 Sputnik Profiles: Nagrarok
12.18.10 Sputnik Profiles: Willie/jethro 4212.17.10 Sputnik Profiles: Sea/satellite
12.16.10 Sputnik Profiles: Michael Jordan12.15.10 The Analyzer Goes Public
12.14.10 Sputnik Profiles: Special Double Editio12.14.10 Sputnik Profiles: Qwe3
12.10.10 Sputnik Profiles: Emim12.09.10 Sputnik Profiles: Jesuslaves
12.06.10 Sputnik Profiles: Inveigh12.03.10 Sputnik Profiles: Andcas
11.30.10 Sputnik Profiles: Intothepit11.29.10 Sputnik Profiles: Redskyformiles
11.24.10 Sputnik Profiles: Ballstothewall11.23.10 Sputnik Profiles: Returntorock
11.19.10 Sputnik Profiles: Winsomniac11.19.10 Sputnik Profiles: Kill

Sputnik Profiles: Michael Jordan

Welcome to the first edition of Public Analyzer profiles. Someone has taken the time to write an epic analysis of the famous MJ. Even though I said I was thinking of profiling him, this is not from me or Inveigh. This is from an unnamed user, Im guessing either MJ himself, Thor, or Knott. Enjoy.
1Dead Can Dance
Within The Realm Of A Dying Sun

Strengths: The mystery. MichaelJordan?s aura as a Sputnik personality feeds off the myth of his character: Who is he? Why is he here? Was his pale and awkward form moulded out of marble by Mx himself, cast upon us to test the advertisy of userkind? If not supernatural, what has torn such a deep scar in his being as to instill this seething, aspbergian hatred for the internet? Is it his inability to tan properly? He is a man shrouded in the unknown, quivering with rage, powered by hatred, energized by fury, and soaking waist-deep in the steaming ocean of horseshit he?s spewed from his keyboard, and this is one shower he will not take; to wipe the scattered feces of his opinions off his cheek would be to crumble the very core of what makes this man/hate-droid tick. The clockwork of hatred must never grind to a halt, lest he collapse unto himself and descend into a weepy cesspool of bubbling malcontent.
2Radiohead
Kid A

Weaknesses: His CTTS review began a brief-lived movement that served as a vehicle for disconcerted Sputnikers to vent their pent up discontent but the movement soon led to his downfall, when an ill-advised Youtube video shattered the illusion he had created. Demigod marble giant MJ was replaced by insidious, nose-scratching unnamed nervous guy; a failure so monolithic Icarus could be heard laughing from the ocean floor. The worst was that there was no one to point to or blame for their buttfucking complicity; the buttfucking was all of his own accord. Therein ended all faith in a man who begged to be taken seriously; now he is but a shadow of his former self, resorting to image spam and the unsightly evil of pagebreaks to instill mild cases of palm sweat in the perpetually excitable youth of Sputnik, most of whom will already be sweating heavily from their exciting social forays into the retard congregation of 4chan. He has come to The Wizards era of his career.
3 Jean Sibelius
Pohjola's Daughter, symphonic fantasy, Op. 49

Posting Tendencies: MJ?s posts jump between the extremes. He is known both for moments of brilliance (buttfucking complicity, the original CTTS review which, all things considered, was actually great until it got so out of hand and watered down by his significantly inferior cohorts, apart from BrokenJewel, who seemed to be the only one able to keep up) and moments of embarrassing desperation (image spam, pagebreaks, awkward, forced mynameischan hate, failed grabs at former glory). He tends to litter his posts with technical jargon in vain attempts to emphasize his intellectual superiority to a userbase collectively failing middle school math, while insistently insulting the overwhelmingly undergraduate Staff?s writing ability, presumably having bestowed the title of ?hobby-crusher? upon himself and imagined his words as the club to which his bony arms would thump the part-time interests of those users into dust! Trulya thought as terrifying as his lucid complexion. Some of his earlier posts deployed the cunning tactic of being so painfully long winded the reader would become so intellectually-numbed by delusional and often nonsensical theorizing that users untrained to such immense, overwhelming belligerence would succumb to drone-like idol worship of the man. This often came in the form of another fucking CTTS review and the incapability to post anywhere but the CTTS reviews sanctioned by their dark overlord.
4Steve Reich
Music for 18 Musicians

Famous For: His Circle Takes The Square Review, his Youtube video, almost inciting revolution, big words, spite, being the last person anyone would ever want to meet at a Sputnik get together, doing a Masters degree but still having enough free time to spend hours posting pictures of scrotums on the internet, inability to tan
5The Future Sound of London
Lifeforms

Overall Sputnik Score: 5 out of 10. His meteoric rise only made his downfall even harsher but points must be given for his initial efforts. The hate bandwagon he steered looked to be gaining momentum until THAT colossal error in judgment. His continued desperation for former glory prevents any chance of a score higher than 5.
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