someone
Gene Gol-Jonsson
Contributor

Reviews 34
Soundoffs 3,430
News Articles 3
Band Edits + Tags 741
Album Edits 1,816

Album Ratings 3402
Objectivity 74%

Last Active 01-05-23 6:04 pm
Joined 05-30-20

Review Comments 6,649

 Lists
02.07.24 Gene's 2023 list yadda yadda11.21.23 23 2023 sub-23
07.25.23 fine, i'll also make a mid-year list04.20.23 TAG 𝔭o҉𝔴e҉𝔯 𝔢l҉𝔢c҉
03.27.23 big bois no review01.26.23 what are you playing now?
01.23.23 REVIEWING your worst REVIEWS 01.01.23 Gene's 2022 Bash: Full Throttle
06.25.22 these damn covers04.11.22 Users REVIEWED
02.24.22 gene's 2021 gigathread. shit's going do02.23.22 gene's gone nuts: 2021 honourable menti
01.28.22 21 2021 sub-2101.23.22 Gene is EP-keen: 2021 whatever
12.26.21 global warming general thread12.21.21 listening to your top albums of 2021
11.30.21 feminist literature recs10.24.21 best album covers September 2021
More »

Users REVIEWED

im not indiephantom
1Lost Horizons
In Quiet Moments


Dewinged

The daddy of this website, despite being around for less than half its existence. Pretty much guaranteed to have you fangirl over him after a few convos. Frequent contributor of gently worded, sophisticated reviews, and a great sport participant in contests and civil discussions.

Worst 5: Dewi is most up-to-date with the state of the world and culture at large, but his age is sometimes showing in 5s like Stone Temple Pilots or The Cranberries. One is also permitted to snobbishly leer at his Tool and Perfect Circle ratings.
Best 1: shitting 0,5 at MGK seems like carpet bombing a dead horse. But if that's the worst offender, we're looking at a fairly good user rating stats.
Best review: Lost Horizons - In Quiet Moments
Best moment: the time he got personal phone numbers of every user on the site and called them to ask "Who's your daddy?" The part of Japan where JotW resided at the time reported abnormal humidity in the air.

4.5/5 a gold standard of Sputnik user
2Lapalux
Amnioverse


Lord(e)Po)))ts

Self-supposing Grandmaster Troll and gatekeeper of good taste who actually does have good taste. Lordy is the bee's knees, if the bee in question is a cybererotic rendition set to some neon minimal house bleep bloops.

Worst 5: difficult to spot an unironic 5 among his ironic onslaught, but that Ariana Grande dump seems about right
Best 1: jeez, where to begin. The guy's like a masterkiller of getting needlessly mad at nonsense, but praising it verbally. But openly admitting to giving 1 to Billie Eilish out of spite seems to take it.
Best review: he only has the one tho
Best moment: giving birth to Colton just so he has somebody to shit on

4/5 for style (and my personal bias)
1/5 by popular vote
3David Kauffman and Eric Caboor
Songs From Suicide Bridge


SandwichBubble

Our lord of listening to anything that exists, after having invented cure for sleep and hearing problems due to listening to too much music. Current holder of the prestigious "Bruh you for real?" Award for most non-troll ratings. Difficult to find a better instant source of recs for whatever rubs your nips.

Worst 5: dude i cant even. can you even? can anyone even? eeny meeny miny moe those Chipmunks records. Joke ratings. Jokes are not permitted on this website.
Best 1: with great ratings come great disappointments too. Sandwich likes to underrate or overreact with some things, like Tonight: Franz Ferdinand most certainly did not deserve a 1 slap. But the you also listened to more than 2 Bull of Heaven albums for us, so you'll get a pass on account of your probable damage received.
Best review: literally doesn't need to write reviews even, but he chooses to. Shining a light on Sun City Girls or Songs From Suicide Bridge
Best moment: inventing listening to music

4.7/5
4Bob Dylan
Rough and Rowdy Ways


Colton

The agitator. But he's good to you, if you're good to him. Unless he randomly decides to be a prick. Until he randomly decides not to be. A bipolar disorder incarnate, but medicated. A disagreeable user with questionable taste, but he rarely seems to turn an outright bully. His endurance in the face of Lordepots is admirable.

Worst 5: as the only Young Thug Jeffery stan on the site and possibly in the world, this gets the boot
Best 1: despite a tendency to underrate, he at least is decent enough not to go for 1s for his victims, so the list is pretty small. That said, there are egregious things to be found here anyway. Like Sonic Youth's Confusion is Sex, for which he probably has his reasons, but none are stated in the sound-offs and I can't be arsed to dig through the comment section to find some salty teenage ramblings about authenticity or sth
Best review: Rough and Rowdy Ways
Best moment: marrying and then divorcing ArsMoriendi over their disagreements on Ween

2.7/5
5Mariah Carey
Daydream


Koris

The slipped-through-the-cracks underdog hero of Sputnik, who is always around and a guarantee of a good convo, eager to take part in the weirdest of exercises and tourneys (case and point: this). Among his great contributions on Sputnik is bringing an air of friendliness into any banter, amicable or hostile, consistently convincing me with his reviews to listen to shit I don't want, but Koris makes it sound like I should, and generally keeping the standards of classiness of local Contributrs very high

Worst 5: Carly Rae Jepsen shilling
Best 1: missing the point of hilarity on 100 gecs
Best review: early on in his career he wrote sth up for Mariah Carey and even I, who hate her stuff, had to check it out.
Best moment: the time he formed the Sputnik Republican Party and freed the prog slaves

4/5 the spirit of Sputnik is in good hands
6Hampton The Hampster
Hampsterdance the Album


ArsMoriendi

His worst offence is claiming to be a detective, while doing no investigative work. The sole person keeping Ween relevant these days. His principal mission is to spread love and friendship in these here parts, but he chooses to do so in the most charmingly irritating way possible, often acting high-brow about his taste. But coming from him it's like if a puppy tried to come off as threatening.

Worst 5: hey look, jokes are jokes, but when I see a 5s list this airtight, i'm just gonna bail. Hipster Snob Behavious rightfully earned!
Best 1: despite his superior taste, he only deemed 6 records worthy of a 1. Among those are some pretty deserving receivers, as well as favourite punching bags like 100gecs and Yeezus, so there's no real "best" or "worst" here.
Best review: his reviews are always quick and concise, but Hampton The Hampster is meme gold
Best moment: revealing he was Hampton all along

3.5/5
7Thomas Azier
Love, Disorderly


Sowing

The man is a mystery. Been around since forever, but no reviews or ratings, no comments, no lists. Nobody knows him. What's even going on?

?/5
8Lightning Bolt
Hypermagic Mountain


kkarron

Do I know you? It feels like I know you. kkarron's comment habits show a pragmatic personality, as they are always short and to the point, often reduced to simply bumping reviews of albums worth bumping. I'm fairly certain I've seen you around, but I'm not quite so sure.
- *shouts to the next room* Karen, d'you know this guy?
- *from the other room* Nah, but he looks familiar. New guy?
- Nah, 3 years active now. Av seems familiar.
- Dun ring a bell, nah. Looks familiar tho.
- Aight, you pass, but make a bigger presence next time.

Worst 5: His 5s are quite the display of not-quite-boomer metal picks. But I guess you could ditch Burzum or Sodom.
Best 1: Only has DJ Himmler in his 1s. Who are you even? Do you not feel disdain ever? wtf
Best review: before his 4.5 review of Hypermagic Mountain by Lightning Bolt, it only had some word salad review rated 2. so he's done god's work
Best moment: realising Sputnik needs a Karen, but choosing to become kkarron instead and be nice.

3/5
9Stara Rzeka
Cień chmury nad ukrytym polem


Pangea

The man, the myth, the prehistoric supercontinent. Charisma the size of an actual Pangea and arguably among the most well-liked users from Europe (post-Pangea). If you haven't seen him around, then you haven't been around. Can be regularly seen in the corner snickering with one of his fellow Benelux fellows like Trifolium. If you see them together, they'll smirk and continue talking quietly to each other, making you feel like they are discussing matters of mocking nature.

Worst 5: the hell is even PET Records
Best 1: dunking on St. Anger, while you only 1d Music of the Spheres and Spongebobcore is low, bro
Best review: Cień chmury nad ukrytym polem, but Pang could use writing more.
Best moment: that one time I was actually included in his corner-side chats, as I was mistaken for a Belgian

4.1/5
10Keleketla!
Keleketla!


dedex

The main force behind sound-off popularity nowadays. Just seeing his name on the front page under new sound-offs section is enough to warrant a read. Wordsy and folksy, best of both worlds. He is what I aspire to become and thus he is also my arch nemesis.

Worst 5: would've been The National, but he explained it very well, so it gets a pass
Best 1: Bring Me The Horizon - Music to Listen to... only got a "big fat nah". You're better than this, bb.
Best review: I don't get how he even has the capacity to write reviews after pumping out so many sound-offs so often, but his Keleketla! review is precisely why this guy should be Staff
Best moment: injecting every RYM copypaster with smallpox

4.2/5
11Ray Lynch
Deep Breakfast


AsleepInTheBack

Naming yourself after an album you haven't even heard at that point is a red flag, but AITB is more than his dormant demeanour would suggest. He's into sleepy music, drowsy opinions, and comatose takes. But he's a good sport about it, always willing to support his claims with facts and feelings, give or take a few. But becoming a staff with so few reviews must tell something about you or Sputnik's judgement.

Worst 5: Asleep thankfully did not immediately start abusing his power to change the decimal ratings, so his 5s are still 5s. In specifying all other normally 5-worthy albums as 4.9s and such, he narrowed his list of truly 5.0 classics to a bluntly revealing shallow white boy dime-a-dozener. This is a list of a man too desperate to avoid nearing his 30s. All of these albums are for the dunk.
Best 1: Whitehouse - Great White Death, because noise
Best review: actually and honestly, Ray Lynch - Deep Breakfast
Best moment: falling asleep behind a wheel

3.6/5
12Oxbow
Serenade In Red


Demon of the Fall

Girls, if your boy has these rating stats, it's a red flag. Holden Caulfield cosplayer and a modest metalhead, Demon is no stranger to strange takes, questionable opinions (we'll get to those ratings soon) or being friendly to a select few. His greatest contribution was showing many lurkers that you actually can have a space between words in your name.

Worst 5: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/uservote.php?memberid=1097747
Best 1: Demon sets his tastes pretty clear. He likes cock in his rock, but not in his proverbial mouth, so all the cock-themed metal is closer to 5s, while all the cock-laced pop is closer to 1s. Pretty indistinct taste, but speaking of cocks, odd that Oasis and Sex Pistols are 1d.
Best review: Only has two, but that Oxbow rev is actually good.
Best moment: i'm sure there's one soon to appear on the copypasta thread.

2.5/5
13Lil Yachty
Lil Boat


Ryus

What LordePots secretly wants to be, while Ryus secretly wants to be Relinquished. Electronica and electronically-tinged hippity hop is his jam (but you wouldn't know it from his 5s). Also strawberry is his jam. Guy's got a sweet tooth and a sweet personality. Until, of course, something rubs him the wrong way. And stuff rubs him the wrong way quite often. Has a thick tech post-grad energy.

Worst 5: You show me a list that screams "I only shop eco" more than this. Throw Bladee out of the list and out of the window. That toddler-with-a-vocal-mixer has nothing to do there.
Best 1: is this Baseline's 5s list? Can't single out one album, so by a dozen-sided dice it's decided to be... Sleaford Mods. Sure, why not.
Best review: his defence of Lil Yachty is both hilarious and captivating.
Best moment: The time he used his cosmic energy to literally evaporate both Boards of Canada members and absorb their powers.

3.5/5
14Forests
Spending Eternity In A Japanese Convenience Store


Snake.

His username may evoke associations with fearsome creatures, but Snake. is actually the plush toy equivalent of actual snakes. He is a snuggleable dork with heart of heavy hardcore. Never has a mildly anarchistic vegan-as-personality-but-not-lifestyle person seemed this loveable.

Worst 5: his 5s list looks like he needs help or has received it already, idk. Dump Kanye and be cool.
Best 1: dude is this a 1s list or an Aftershock line-up? I guess Forests shouldn't be there, because what snake hates forests.
Best review: reviews?
Best moment: Pledging allegiance to Yig and being rejected.

3.7/5 for this fluffy boi
15Myrkur
Folkesange


Gnocchi

The tastiest user, as has been stated numerous times. If I remember correctly, he was the originator of the Weekly Releases blog segment, which is what brought me to the site and made me stay in the first place, so big ups for you for that (unless it's not so, in which case fuck off). A prolific and consistent writer with an almost chilling mature language, despite the fact he so often focuses on metal. Imagine him discussing adult stuff like taxes and gardening or something.

Worst 5: Literally the first person I saw here who has B.B. King at 5, so I don't even care what else his 5s hold, this one redeems everything (but Opeth, actually).
Best 1: Went 0.5 on Tones And I in hopes to keep up popularity with denizens. Undeserved victim, silly gimmick rating.
Best review: That Halsey review legit made me think twice about Halsey, but explaining Folkesange is his great feat.
Best moment: the time i've had him with pomodoro sauce. then i ate his ass.

High Priest of Sput gets 4.3/5
16Sunn O))) and Ulver
Terrestrials


Jom

The guy carrying this whole crumbling facade on his back. Alternatively known as the one you ask to change your name or merge duplicate band pages.

Worst 5: no rating? the hell do you think this is, some kind of a game. get yo ass here and rate some stuff im-friggin-mediately
Best 1: banning sach
Best review: for real, his review of Sunn O))) and Ulver - Terrestrials made me temporarily butthurt, when i read it, but i calmed down and got the point.
Best moment: breaking down at mx's doorstep for all the shit he has to endure from us, only to be met with a cold shoulder and a cynical "it's 3am, who are you and how do you know where I live?"

Sputnik/5
17Glen Hansard
This Wild Willing


neekafat

Shift user, as in he is densely present everywhere, but then disappears for like a week or two, until reappearing for ubiquitous presence again. Often can be seen defending tween folk from meatheads or challenging passive casual conversationalists to verbal duels of wits, often left ignored. He was quietly built up his presence on the site over several years, eventually becoming a deserved Contributor with several craftily worded and wordily crafted reviews. Now a patron of Sputniktown milk bars and dog cafés.

Worst 5: Phoenix Bridges or whatshername
Best 1: somehow, among a bunch of proper 1s, I see Parquet Courts improv EP for shits and giggles. Probably deserves the1, but not among this 1-list company.
Best review: probably responsible for Glen Hansard's This Wild Willing being actually acclaimed on Sputnik.
Best moment: devouring his thin neekaslim in utero.

3.9/5
18The Veils
Total Depravity


anat

Changed what he believed to be an inferior name to something that 7/10 casual observers regularly mistake for 'anal', while 5/10 of them giggle internally. Despite this, he has not yet been confronted with this truth, at least not to my knowledge. The most accomplished musician of Sputnik this side of AnimalsAsSummit. May be actual Brit, as opposed to others.

Worst 5: not sure how to put this. you have an incurable Pretty Good Taste Syndrome. you are destined to enjoying and promoting great overlooked stuff, while receiving none of the attention.
Best 1: the man is a curiosity, any number of his 1s could have easily appear in his 3.5s for maybe the same reasons. take Arctic Monkeys' Trivago ad album, for example.
Best review: he reviewed The Veils' Total Depravity and instead of the music focused on some fungus. chad move.
Best moment: selling branded anat rings online

3.8/5
19LSD and the Search for God
Heaven Is a Place


Zac124

no clue

Worst 5:
Best 1:
Best review:
Best moment:

no clue/5
20Neptunian Maximalism
Eons


tectactoe

His motto is mean, but his heart is pure. Not everything deserves 2.5. For that matter, don't subject yourself to things you know will be 2.5, man. You aren't getting younger. Stop it, get some help. Can often be notice in the Sputnik courtyard enjoying sunbathing.

Worst 5: This list screams "I only drink barrel-aged craft beer". This has plenty great stuff, but strikes with pompousness that only an obligatory Glenn Branca 5 can deliver. You loved This Heat and Au Pairs, you pretend to love Branca, because of status.
Best 1: Nothing says "I don't have theorist's analytic talent" like 1ing John Cage's 4'33
Best review: tectactoe is an infrequent writer, last time putting digital pen to digital paper in 2020, but he never strikes a dud. His Eons review might have prolonged that project's popularity here for a few months longer than necessary.
Best moment: inviting all of Sputnik to his babyshower

2.5/5 cause life is short, but shame on all of you who aren't him by comparison
21Tentenko
Hibiya Koen


JohnnyoftheWell

What if a troll gets Staff powers. Truly the otaku Donald Trump nobody needed and nobody deserved. But in all honesty, Johnny is an unthinkable constant of Sputnik culture, unavoidable and let to roam free, wreaking havoc. He's fun to observe, interact with, and actively agitate. The last part mostly due to his ability to agitate you back or at least let his anger out on some unsuspecting schmuck out of spite. Fun stuff, even if not always funny.

Worst 5: Don't pretend like Kayo Dot is really a 5 for you. You've made it your career to shit on better things for lolz.
Best 1: The same, but in reverse, for Ashnikko. If everyone else was against it, you would have praised the living shit out of it.
Best review: Johnny is going for Sowing's throne with his reviewing pace and quality. I remember his Tentenko series as a madman's errand that could have easily attracted no sane person's attention. Yet he committed to it.
Best moment: exploding into glitter when in danger

5/0
22Sleater-Kinney
Call the Doctor


Pheromone

Rarely does a user earn their name as much as Phee. Always sure to light up a long-lasting dialogue, even if it's a thread about the colour mint green. I believe he can brighten up even that. His online presence is basically this guy: https://tinyurl.com/PheeSput Pretty much a puppy chasing imaginary sticks turned human.

Worst 5: Just a brief collection of truly 5-worthy 5s. Except for Brand New. You ditch that scummy schlack for casual snobs and we're cool. Funnily enough, everyone who has Brand New at 5 know that it's their worst 5.
Best 1: John Cage's 4'33 again? You literally didn't have to listen to it. Show me a more pointless 1, I'll wait.
Best review: I keep getting surprised by how few reviews it takes to make one a Contrib, but that Call the Doctor spotlight review was a necessary wordy retrospective and I thank you for that.
Best moment: living in my dreams rent-free, the free-loading bastard.

4.6/5 for the fluffy boi
23Linda Perhacs
Parallelograms


bgillesp

Scholar of that prog guy you've heard isn't uncool, but never actually bothered to listen. I'm getting tired of comparing people I like to puppies and kittens, but this is one fluffy boi. I just wanna cuddle him up like a cartoon pet. Hoo's a kwute lil boi? owuwuwuwu

Worst 5: dude ily but what is this list. Are you 13? Actually, you might as well be. I'm taking that ily back, for legality's sake. Let's say Korn and be done with it. (tho that Exquirla holy shit, what a deep cut, did not expect to see it here)
Best 1: Mostly a display of usual suspects, nothing quite surprising. Sachiko M is my choice, because my tinnitus and neurodivergent hearing tells me it's actually an orchestral masterpiece.
Best review: Gill has to be really passionate about something to review it, that's why it's always 4+ revs (and that one outlier, but whatevs). Granting Linda Perhacs her only review (!) is a noble thing.
Best moment: ( )

4.4/5
24Young Lions
Blue Isla


SteakByrnes

Apparently, the most popular user of this antique website, though you wouldn't know it from anybody's direct praise. User named after what actor Gabriel Byrne names his every dinner before muching on it like he's still on Vikings.

Worst 5: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out is your Panic 5, sir. Not cool
Best 1: memecore ratings without any real personal original opinions. Maybe Twenty One Pilots, because at least from a general public's view it sticks out from the rest.
Best review: Call the police, this scallywag only has one review and is on a first-name basis with the mods?
Best moment: most of these "best moments" are made up, but credit where it's due, SteakByrnes won Sput Madness and that's something*

5/5 apparently

*read in a confusedly indifferent intonation
25Impossible Nothing
Phonemenomicon


GhandhiLion

Wait, this isn't Pitchfork's editorial press officer? I'm shocked. One of the most hard-to-please users on the site, who also claims that 2.5 is a high praise. As long as you rec him Brooklyncore 1960s microtonal ambient post-avant-garde fartwave IBM computer-composed music that he's already heard (supposedly), you'll be fine.

Worst 5: Honestly though, this is some cool ass list. Husker Du, just cause y'all need to get your taste in rowdy music right.
Best 1: the day people stop hating on Sachiko M is the day people forget about Sachiko M.
Best review: He wrote two. Both for some... uhm... things. Both as sharp as a fart's residue. Eeny miny Impossible Nothing.
Best moment: Giving actual Ghandhi some 2.5/5

metropolitan barista/5
26Ornette Coleman
Science Fiction


AnimalsAsSummit

Professional musicians, even if he says so himself. His main site presence is promoting his music, gaining the marginal traction his Bandcamp needs to pretend it's an actual full-time project. This is some musical popularity Ponzi scheme on the smallest scale possible, I sense, but I cannot fathom how does anyone profit or lose anything. So sure, give the guy's page a visit, it ain't some basement rap sessions.

Worst 5: the guy's got Animals as Leades and Scale the Summit in his name. whatdya think it's gonna be here: AaL's shapeless wankery, of course.
Best 1: oof a lot to choose from. Other than our greatest musicians ever 100gecs, it's also Danny Brown or at least a dozen very self-aware musicians and some one'd expect AAS to enjoy. Feels odd that you hate Volhnn, considering it isn't very far off your own productions.
Best review: he can take criticism and can give it too. sorta. his reviews are all 5s.
Best moment: claiming his profile was also all DIY

3.2/5
27Phantom
The Epilogue to Sanity


indiephantom

Literally not Sowing? But who else has this much surveillance access and interest in the community? Like Jom ever leaves comforts of Meds Thread except for casual bodega visits. I don't know who you are, but your love for the known prick Colton is unsettling. Does Colton even know you exist?

Best whatever: Literally his whole existence (within the confounds of this moniker, he might as well be a gloomy git otherwise, whatdoiknow).

review/5
28Cassandra Jenkins
An Overview on Phenomenal Nature


HelloJoe / JustJoe.

I feel like I literally just found out you exist and suddenly you are everywhere. You're not JustJoe. percahnce? Nah, that guy's a true phantom. He graces us with his visit when he deems necessary. Hasn't been around lately. So while we wait, here's a bootleg Joe. A fine specimen, albeit a redundant one. You do the Joe substitute job well enough. Now where's JustJoe.?

Best moment: Defeating their evil child UnjustJoe. in a magic duel.

3/5 + 5/5 (HelloJoe will insist he's the latter)
29Budgie
Budgie


budgie

Means something to someone.

3.9/5
30Radiohead
Kid A


pizzamachine

This user is a bald-faced liar. Not only is he not an actual pizza machine, he has led many a poor soul to believe there actually is a machine for pizzas. There are only ovens. And I blame you. Can be regularly seen by the water cooler in a state of stasis, leaving the water pouring needlessly. Calls users he likes his "special little boys".

Worst 5: this whole list is a testament to mediocrity. ugh
Best 1: what's wrong with you? literally show me the difference between your 5s and your 1s lists. but that Wu Lyf at 1.5 is also worthy of a disciplinary slap on the ass.
Best review: i'm not reading 200+ metalcore and video game nerd reviews. Your Kid A review is hilarious for all the wrong reasons and shows why you're still just a User with this many reviews.
Best moment: announcing the existence of a self-sustainable pizza machine before it actually being released, then trying his hardest to invent one, ultimately failing and disappointing millions.

no pizza for you/5
31Jean-Michel Jarre
Oxygene


CaptainPlasma

New guy. Call him turkey! Let's join a cult. You will either deeply regret your joining this site, or enjoy it thoroughly to a point of regret. Anyway, your review proper is pending. Welcome home, young sojourner.

Worst 5: as an assortment of mostly run-of-the-mill "i play video games too" characters, your unironic Mudvayne enjoyment is admirable, but gets the obligatory boot.
Best 1: no 1s, pump those numbers
Best review: no reviews for you
Best moment: finding the Sputnik G-spot: the sound-off bump button

too young, not ripe enough/5
32Coheed and Cambria
From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness


Storm In A Teacup

It's so cute that your av is a picture with your nephew. So cute. Such a nice guy. Storm comes here to haunt from the Sputnik's days of yore. An old-timey user maintaining the lawlessness of those days. Can frequently be found in a basement show or raving about developing Sputnik's own virtual universe.

Worst 5: you're a fine lass, but pretending Deftones have even a noteworthy output past the 90s is laughable, especially with that sonic diarrhoea of an album, Ohms.
Best 1: y u gotta do my Deathy Grippies dirty like that?
Best review: the infrequency of Storm's writing antics leaves him at double the amount of reviews of most contributors, but still a user. His 5 rev of Coheed's IV made me reconsider my dislike of the band.
Best moment: successfully hoarding most of this site's windbreakers and tea packets in his personal storage until anti-monopoly authorities had to get involved

4/5
33Nouns
While of Unsound Mind


SlothcoreSam

"There's a failed lawyer haunting teen-punk shows" but in a cool way. Sam is actually like 40, did you know that? You wouldn't be able to tell from his taste, profoundly emo and pop-punk. He's basically Exclaim! Magazine in Aussie countryside setting. Just a lovable goof out here being all lovable n shit. I dare you to find me a person who dislikes Sam.

Worst 5: Sam's 5s suffer the syndrome of lack of surprise, It's a who's who of usual suspects, provided you suspect usually punk and 20th century ragers mixed in with some 21st century underdogs. Sam tends to overrate new releases, so I can't tell which of his premature 5s will last. Drop Jonsi
Best 1: no alarms no surprises. I guess ABBA, cause c'mon
Best review: Sam tried his wits at reviewing only twice so far, but already shows a good promise. Keep on pumping, you'll get there champ. Putting Nouns on the spot is your ticket to good graces with half the people here.
Best moment: in comments

they're good users, Brent/5
34Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Requiem in D minor, K. 626


Egarran

He has more than one egg in his basket. His personality is eggsactly as his name suggests. If he were an activity, it's be Easter egg hunt. Is a frequent eggsagerator of support for his fellow users. He's not much of a thread poster or participant of your typical Sputnik activities, but he frequently partakes in Sput lore eggspansion.

Worst 5: He likes his Bleh metal loud and atmospheric. He also likes Bill Hicks. And somewhere in between, he likes Mozart. Don't pretend, buddy, it doesn't suit you.
Best 1: Being an obnoxiously positive person as he is, there are no 1s. I ain't even mad. More optimism like that will do this world good.
Best review: Egarran never wrote a single review in his life. None at all. Nope, no reviews ever. He has decided to dwell on his writing, sending it privately to copywriters and proofreaders, before he can write a cohesive, proper, full-length review. So far none hath been written.
Best moment: working at a farm, doing egg runs

3.8/5
35Six Finger Satellite
Severe Exposure


Mort.

The Loki of the site, as in he's a trickster and died about a dozen times already (username checks out). Inexplicably adored by almost every user he's ever interacted with, ultimately confusing all other users, who only know him from hearsay.

Worst 5: Other than Shiner, Mort. is a connoisseur of all other overly bassy mud-rock like Duster or . The madman has TWO Dance Gavin Dance albums 5d. An easy target to pick on, but for a good reason.
Best 1: Funny you should have Tones and I at 1, when it's only a few breakdowns away from being Dance Gavin Dance (breakdowns both musical and emotional).
Best review: I am torn between two reviews, for which I am grateful. Couch Slut's My Life As a Woman and Six Finger Satellite's Severe Exposure.
Best moment: promoting a band called Shiner, faking reviews and gig history to make appearance that the band actually exists, then going back in time to create them, so that his promotional schemes work out.

3.4/5
36The Antlers
Undersea


Deathconscious

Once a prominent dominant member of the site, until being a full-time copypasta archivist overtook most his priorities. Now passed on to his apprentice, whatshisname. If metalheads and gloom-doomers ever needed a hero, he's not the one, but he's here to say with all his Emma Ruth Rundle and Neurosis bullshit (or any [insert doom-ish metal band here] really).

Worst 5: it was going to be Rundle, until The Antlers and their eternal bloated sadness appeared. They are the curse that caused Rundle-bundles in the first place, so they get the spot.
Best 1: For the most part it's the attempt to make your friends in ageing metal like you, therefore That's the Spirit
Best review: reviews?
Best moment: Being clinically unconscious for an hour, only to come back an enlightened man, claiming he has seen eternity and was utterly bored, therefore he no longer wishes to listen to profoundly boring music, dumping all his sad-girl-with-a-guitar and echo-mic set-up.

3.6/5
37SVMMERCAMP
Sequoia


tyman128

Because tyman123 through 127 were taken by now-absentees. Ty is just happy to be around, and who can blame him. He's that kid your mum makes you hang out with, but you end up finding a lot in common, until he becomes involved with an MLM later in life. When asked about what kind of music he likes, his response is frantic mimicry and making sounds like "wawawaw, hrrr, bambam, bdrzh, boom, kablaam".

Worst 5: Being a Manchester Orchestra apologist as he is, he should have seen this coming. A Dreadful Mile to the Surface it is.
Best 1: Having recently exited his own real-life Hello Kitty Suicide Club made him detest the idea all the more.
Best review: Ty is an up-and-comer, really trying his bestest out here, getting all the more prominent. His Conmaniac Svmmercamp revs are really sweet.
Best moment: Exacting revenge on all 7 evil tymans to earn the beautiful spot of tyman123, only to become well known as 128, realising that those who love you will do so even if you're 8.

128/5
38Sea Dweller
Love Is Coming


sixdegrees

My brother from another techno mother. When we're all conquered by robots, this is the robot-to-human translator in chief they will use. His staff will include LordePots, Relinquished, Ryus, and myself hopefully. wink wink

Worst 5: Despite enjoying the weirder things in life, six's 5s are a brief run through some more classic outsider music, as well as a few unexpected pretendees. I would've gone with Burzum, because fuck all nazis, but at the same time Bladee is the sound of creative impotence masquerading as experimentation
Best 1: Oh no, six! Somebody hacked your account and gave half of your 5s a 1.
Best review: Six is almost, but not quite there with writing and it's a shame he stopped so many years ago. This could've been something. I guess Sea Dweller was a little better focused, but still, you can sharpen your writing, I believe it.
Best moment: Being called out for wearing a coat in 15 degrees, being unable to actually withstand the 6 degrees of cold. smh

6/15
39The Gerogerigegege
Yellow Trash Bazooka


MiloRuggles

Hahaa! You've all been duped, my dudes. I'm not actually a casual user. This has been another episode of the "Undercover Professional". My name is not MiloRuggles, but Miloslaw Archibald Rugallini. I am a professional reviewer and a musicology professor at Cambridge University. For over 10 years now I have been infiltrating lowly amateur websites, showing them what real reviewing looks like. Thank you for sticking around and tune in every Wednesday at 5pm to watch yourself be duped like fools, yo!

Worst 5: Def the Deftones alb. Cleanse yourself, good sir.
Best 1: Nothing screams "struggling with irony" like giving Gerogerigegege 0.5
Best review: you go choose, for fuck's sake. Hey Milo, when's that book of yours coming out?
Best moment: during the dramatic reveal of his identity, unmasking too hard, accidentally ripping his own skin off, still charming the hell out of everyone present, the silver-tongued devil

we don't deserve you/5
40Sea Oleena
Weaving A Basket


JesperL

A personality like those creepily eye-enhanced Youtube thumbnails, overreacting to things (wink wink). This Doctor of Lust and Sex has penetrated Sputnik to spread his creative offspring. He is a prolific writer with a good sense of wit, too often provoked by the likes of JohnnyoftheUnwell and coerced into penning memes or godforsaken texts for the amusement of a very few. Poor fella. Go get em, boi.

Worst 5: Feels like I've scolded you for this before, but that American Idiot 5 is a must-go.
Best 1: Jesper savours his creativity for other endeavours, so his 1 list is a blunt and unsurprising batch of nothing new and nothing remarkable. If anything, it signals a dedication to objectivity.
Best review: Like I said, a prolific writer. And it's not even his final form. His dunk of Manchester Orchestra is hilarious, but him defending and promoting things like Sea Oleena and Iress in this economy is quite remarkable.
Best moment: Quitting making porn for writing porn.

4.4/5
41Annea Lockwood and Maze
Bayou-Borne / Jitterbug


CottonSalad

Exuse me, did you not get the memo? This is a music website. Where are the ratings? Where are the reviews? Your av is what I looked like looking at your disturbingly lacking profile. What are you here for, to socialise and make friends? Moreover, Cotton - Salad is a horrifying thought. I disapprove of your gusto, my friend. Change your ways and find the light of the way of Jesus Christ or something.

Worst 5: (≖_≖ )
Best 1: (≖_≖ )
Best review: (≖_≖ )
Best moment: The lists tho. Them thick-ass lists. Those are quality

2.5/5 (ง︡'-'︠)ง
42Drowse
Light Mirror


butt.

Lookieloo, almost 3000 ratings, a few reviews, bunch of lists about this'n'that and death metal and top 10 ways to sit on the toilet or sth. Now that is what I call a dilligent, law-abiding citizen of Sputnikmusic (CottonSalad and the like, take note). Anyway, this user ... now wait a moment... your last list was in 2019... as was your last review... within the year or two of your joining. And then radio silence? Are you denizens that lazy these days? Pump those numbers, get to it, im-friggin-mediately!

Worst 5: probably a casual big-boy emo enjoyer, so the whole list might as well be in this spot, but let's go for The Hotelier, as the rest screams "I am actually 30 and don't know what to do"
Best 1: there's just the one and it's the most misunderstood album of our time. smh
Best review: yeah, it's Drowse. like heck oh yeah, more like this, please
Best moment: battling his cousins dick. and tits. to a fight, killing both, becoming the Congenital Genital General of Sput

3/5
43The Lion's Daughter
Skin Show


Uzumaki

This user is the kind of person who invites you to a movie night, only to play Seinfeld reruns, giggling even when nothing is happening. Can be usually heard talking shit about straight lines and right angles. Recently got a large round box for his ceramics shop, I wonder what he's up to...

Worst 5: You're spiralling out of control! (get it? spiralling, Uzumaki. me has smarts) I ain't going through that whole pile. Animals As Leaders, the wonky noodle bar of pretentiousness caught my eye the first, so it's them.
Best 1: I'd've said Corey Feldman, for the memes, but The Lion's Daughter certainly does not deserve to be in the same pile as Etienne "I dye my skin dark so I can say the N-word" Sin
Best review: zero revs, nothing twisted to see here (twisted cause Uzumaki, huehuehue)
Best moment: got me all excited once asking for a date only to then revert saying he meant "what date is it today"

3.5/5
44Converge
Petitioning the Empty Sky


Avagantamos

Here lies Avantgamos. No, Avagnimous. Agronomus. AVGN. Avril whatever. This Greek-ass-named fellow is a specimen unto himself, dedicating his life on Sput to promoting or seeking the slightly less noticed, but still revered artists and styles in the obscurer forms and weirder directions. His interest in the avagt-narmde and hip-hop of yore makes for some cool convos, if you ever happen to be in need for some niche interest focus.

Worst 5: A list of uncontroversial stuff, mainly due to their being quite universally acclaimed in their niche categories, but I guess xanopticon could use the boot.
Best 1: Besides the misunderstood genius of Corey Feldman, this one also has the lazy people's favourite punching bag, Tones and I.
Best review: Got just the one. There's a lot to be expanded upon in writing, but you got the basics right. A little too simplistic, but the spirit is there. That was 9 years ago. More Converge revs when?
Best moment: being an extravagant amos

4/5
45Mirrorring
Foreign Body


Bedex

Another soundoff king of his own enclave, and by extension both my brother and my sworn enemy. The fucker might have outwritten and outwitten even Sowing and JotW's lovechild. If unrequired but certainly welcome by all means writing was anyone's calling, Bedex has his own Batsign for interesting releases. Try dropping by every once and again for new recs.

Worst 5: This list is like a fresh air after a week underground, but if something must be picked, then make it be the Tonedeafs.
Best 1: I haven't heard either of those tapes, but judging by your descriptions of them, they're right up my alley. But one must be picked, and let that be my minimalist God, Celer.
Best review: so like umm like bruh like umm how bout u fuckin write more, ay? this is some quality penning
Best moment: Burying the hatchet with his brother dedex to fight their father exex.

quality/5
46Anthony Green
Would You Still Be In Love


cold

Forever the new kid on the block. The warmth exuded by this user is unbecoming of such username. How dare you? Be distant and mean or else I am afraid we'll have to revoke your cold rights. Cold can be often seen helping out burn victims, gradually annoying them with his overobsession with mellow core music. If encountered at a library, cold will most likely use the public computers to look at video memes on youtube, set to loud volume, laughing hysterically.

Worst 5: if whiny hardcore was a list. Pity Sex is a pity rate and you know it.
Best 1: only got Dance Gavin Dance at a 1 and there has rarely been a more apt 1 list. congrats, you've won.
Best review: got that one Anthony Green album. it's a bit clunky, but you got the gist right. maybe you could hone your stylings and structure a little better and you'll get there, bud.
Best moment: beating the New Kids on the Block with a cinderblock to assert dominance. (user bloc always feels nervous around cold)

3.6/5
47New Order
Technique


bloc

He always welcomes the motherfuckers. But this motherfucker is a scourge of Sputnik purists. No ratings, no reviews, very few lists, joined in 2008. You mean to tell me you come here to just... hang out? Is everything okay? Did Reddit ban you or something? Your seniority gives you no right to simply disregard the rules or engagement here. For shame.

Worst 5: no ratings, so no clue. but I do know he likes New Order's Technique, cause one of his lists of faves had it
Best 1: bloc is the essence of a 'best 1' xoxo
Best review: the time he reviewed the world and concluded that Sput was better.
Best moment: revealing his face and turns out he's a Roblox character

probably named Greg or Jerry/5
48Tuxedomoon
Desire


Cimnele

This user has the makings of a classic presence, but is often bogged down by that pesky real life that so many of us true Sputnik believers have long left behind. You could use to write more, silly willy, you already soundoff'd half your ratings. Been around since 2012, has a few lists and only 2000 comments, but you still know him tho

Worst 5: a collection of admirable picks, many so generally 'g o o d' that i cannot single them out as the worst, but perhaps Kayo Dot is a artsy normie pick, if anything.
Best 1: some of these things you dunk on just for dunking's sake. you didn't really hate Ibaraki, you're just being contrarian.
Best review: hey you're better than you give yourself credit, just sort out issues of content and phrasing, but that can be done by mere revision. the Tuxedomoon rev is certainly a necessary addition to Sput reviewing collection.
Best moment: claiming dominion over all chimneys, accidentally invading the nation of Hungary for their ugly cakes

3.7/5
49Kaonashi
Dear Lemon House, You Ruined Me: Senior Year


Purpl3Spartan

Nothing says more about a person than having both Beethoven and several different SpongeBob Soundtrack albums as their favourites. Sparta is relatively new here, but his ubiquitous presence makes you think he was here since forever. A little difficult to pinpoint his stance in things, as his personality blends in. Maybe that is why I just assumed he was here forever, cause he fits wherever he goes and you take him for granted. Averaging 7 comments a day, he might as well be the most consistently average-traffic-generating user.

Worst 5: oof, Spongebobcore is a joke, stop joking, this is a serious website.
Best 1: a show of mostly obvious 1s, but La Roux sticks out like a sore thumb.
Best review: the two reviews are a little thin, but they get the point across. props for the Kaonashi rev
Best moment: travelling back in time, infecting the actual Sparta with emo xoxo uwu

B tier/5
50The Callous Daoboys
Celebrity Therapist


MarsKid

LIES ALERT! Not actually from Mars. Matter of fact, a very grounded, down-to-earth, this-worldly type. Mitch has found his hideout between lurking and selling his soul to Sput (as we know, there is no middle there). A constant presence, yet a rare sighting. Has spent the good chunk of his tenure (za)prudely plugging some run-of-the-mill core band. Creates fun and engagingly interactive environment in his comment sections.

Worst 5: all that mediocre breakdowncore. you're better than this, Mitch. or are you? Perfesone is a bloated theatre kid's drug nightmare and you know it
Best 1: another poor soul dunking on the Gecs.
Best review: the Daoboys rev might have been the reason they bumped you to Staff, and the potential of writing like that is why you got the Contrib to begin with.
Best moment: making salacious comments about Venus

spicy telescope pics/5
51Mike Oldfield
Tubular Bells II


PumpOffBag

This user is...wait... hold on. No. It can't be. Your name is not pumpOFFbag, but pumpBOFFbag? Is this a typo? Are you sure this is the direction you wish your life to take? Well, Boff's taste tenet is "how close to a bop is this without actually being a bop" (or a boff, as he calls it, probably). In his reviews he often sacrifices his sanity for our amusement. Like you didn't have to smash those pumpikns or go through Yachty, but you chose to anyway. Admirable.

Worst 5: an admirable display of usual suspects, had Burzum not found its way there
Best 1: 1'ing Lulu proves your interest in the weirds is only fleeting and peripheral
Best review: Tubular Bells II rehabilitation is a welcome feat. the iconic hilarious neg reviews are a must-read, but i am trying to award posititivy here
Best moment: i swear i remembered a good moment, but that Off/Boff debacle threw me boff, now i can't recall

3/5 will increase with name change
52Ramleh
Hole in the Heart


DadKungFu

A name more literal than you may realise, for he has actually defeated many a dad in kung fu to become the chapmion 'Daddest Kung Fu-er to Ever Dad'. Currently residing in a trailer en route to Isle of Dogs in London, cause the silly willy thought there'd be a dog for every visitor. Can be seen patrolling the weirdo threads, bumping cool underground essential releases.

Worst 5: i wish my dad had your taste, but the daddyness of it all does seep through sometimes, The Clash gets the boot
Best 1: again, the dad in him speaks here. i bet you clutch your fists like a grandpa at Poppy
Best review: his dives into essentials of odd music are essentials unto themselves. for highlighting Ramleh and a plethora of other great noisy and experiemtnal record, you have my grand admiration.
Best moment: being so tired once that he played Pedestrian Deposit instead of Peppa the Pig to his kids

*raw wall of screech* (in a good way)/5
53Stereolab
Margerine Eclipse


BitterJalapenoJr

A sweet one and quite mature, actually. One of the quickest Contrib gains in Sput history (ig idk really) and for a good reason. His writing is concise, to-the-point, but doesn't sacrifice structure or coherence. They are more like a fast informative rundown. Can often be seen frequenting the threads an inch to the left field from generally-known. Smile-inducer (sometimes slime)

Worst 5: ya'll need to outgrow Green Day, finally.
Best 1: truly choice selection of 1's. only four, but they just reek of a particularly detailed opinion hiding behind. sadly, Jala does not sound off, so we may never know. as of now, i suppose the Killers' album had some hits on it.
Best review: the issue with overarching consistency is that it makes evaluation difficult. i suppose filling in the important Stereolab review gaps was a great service to the site.
Best moment: eating a jalapeno, crying intensely, proving he is no Jalapeno boy after all *shaking head in disapproval*

good user/5
54Skillet
Dominion: Day of Destiny (Deluxe Edition)


Minortimbo12

New-ish user. Ditched being nice a few hours in, now resigned to occasional semi-sincerity and benign trolls for those too timid for Baseline's savagery. Can often be spotted at joke-writing classes and free-entry roast battles for inspiration. Roams fast food drive-thrus with exorbitant orders 10 minutes before close time. Considers himself "scholar of life and cheese crackers".

Worst 5: halfway to Boomerville, Minor's choices are as bland as a the stuff playing at used car dealerships. Theocracy is goofy theatrics incarnate and not in a good way.
Best 1: 0.5 to Imagingons is absolutely correct, but that 1s list is a few inches away from your 5s list, buddy. Careful there, lest you confuse the two at some point. Olivia, I suppose.
Best review: jokes aside, a surprisingly observant writer, albeit amateur, lazy with lots to learn. Skillet review almost made me consider listening, so kudos
Best moment: at least 2 of his 100 troll lists were funny

2.5/5 take it or leave it
55Steve Reich
Different Trains/Electric Counterpoint


robertsona

He had Staff written all over him even before becoming Staff. Sophisticated, averse to smile and ease, highly professional, and one of the few staffers who are actually believable with their decimal ratings. Likes soup.

Worst 5: probably Musgraves and her signature lack of personality is a hype so temporary, I doubt most of her 5ers even remember they've 5d the album.
Best 1: Sona chasing hate-trends is not sth I expected to see, but the insincerity of BCNR 1s are a sad lil stain on his otherwise lovely personality.
Best review: his occasional check-ins for the off-kilter records are always welcome among the onslaght of otherwise new releases and expected indie classics. I remember reading several of the Steve Reich revs independently, only later realising they were all penned by Sona.
Best moment: literally organising a festival, inviting all his most hated artists, giving out free tickets to all his mortal enemies, setting the venue on fire, collecting insurance

Staff/5
56Code Orange
Underneath


DavidYowi

A Bowie pun as the user name is always whale cum. You find me a metal propagator with personality more alike a plushie in a a blankie with hot cocoa on a snowy winter evening. Look at this adorable lil thing, in fluffy slippers, listening to songs about desecration and decay and whatnot. Yowi probably dressed up in corpse paint for Halloween only for their grandma to go "aww who's a cute medieval ghost", "meeee uwu" replied Yowi.

Worst 5: I think, as a humanity, we can all move on from Green Day, drop it, ew.
Best 1: look at all those trendy hates. ADtR was not as bad, and folks piling up on Tones and I is certainly unfair.
Best review: defending Code Orange so wordily in front of all these ghouls takes courage. Kudos.
Best moment: summoning mildly off textures on random surfaces to mildly inconvenience enemies. "Why is my t-shit valvet on the inside?" *cue Yowi laughing* in the background

wintertime cocoa/5
57The Jezabels
Prisoner


Butkuiss

The username that is subtly giving me a headache and maybe typhoid fever idk. Butkuiss is a few inches away from introducing that Storytime Youtube era to Sput. A quick looksie through the threads reveals affinity for drama, both personal and site-wide. Prepare to get insight into somebody's life and a slight shaming for not having listened to a few underground records.

Worst 5: I am yet to find out why C R Jepsen is the world's chosen pop queen and seeing her on another 5s list just deepens my confusion.
Best 1: huh, not a lot of offenders tbh. Lulu at best, but it's forgivable. good 1s list yo
Best review: a very infrequent reviewer, Butkuiss waited full 10 years before having feelings so strong that he had to publish a review... a 3.0 review. 10 years of build-up for a splash of easy meh. But that Jezabels review was dope.
Best moment: compiling a complicated list of reasons why a niche dub substyle is directly influencing modern metalcore, then having his dog eat it

?/!
58Hello Kitty Suicide Club
^_^


Dedes

Not to be consused with dedex. Dedes has been steadily writing obscure and bloaty metal reviews for some 8 years now, wow. And still has not made Contributor, what's up with that? This user is the epitome of a person for unwinding. If all the drama and the trolling gets overwhelming, you need a Dedes to ground you and help you relax, maybe he'll even rec a bloated (death)metal(core) album tailor fit for you.

Worst 5: pick one Counterparts album, they can't all be 5s. otherwise it's a pretty consistent list of inoffensive metal picks.
Best 1: Dedes certainly jumped on that Liturgy hate-train and it's as funny to see now as it was initially
Best review: Dedes is a consistently brief writer, all texts strict to the point and easily digestible. but that HKSC shortie is among the sput memes now.
Best moment: running through the whole alphabet of Dede-folk, murdering all of them, hoping to finally reach the x. But dedex is prepared for you, fiend, just you come.

3.6/5
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