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Netflix Sabrina creators don't know what metal is

It's hilariously bad
1The Turtles
The Turtles Present the Battle of the Bands


Don’t even need to know that much about the show: just know that in the latest season there’s a battle of the bands episode between a band named Satanic Panic, one named Fright Club, and another named Dark Mothers. Battle of the Bands is brought to you by Satan and hosted at the venue of his doorstep AKA the gates of hell in some underground mines in town. Below are the contenders and a summary of what happened in the episode.
245 Grave
Sleep In Safety


Satanic Panic:
-> Keep getting called a “satanic metal band” by everyone in the show throughout the entire episode
-> do not actually look like a metal band - they look like fuckin hardcore punks
->Literally COME BACK FROM THE DEAD after being burned alive in the 80s for sacrificing a virgin to Satan
-> brutally slaughter the poor, pretentious latte indie band at Sabrina’s high school
-> Kidnap the dad of Sabrina’s ex bf because he snitched on them to the virgin’s dad in the 80s, who btw was the one who burned them all alive
-> Are literally endorsed by Satan and are representing Hell in the battle of the bands ON HELL’S DOORSTEP
-> get on stage and PLAY A BAD BUTT ROCK COVER OF “PARTYTIME” BY 45 GRAVE
“Hey guys! We’re an evil satanic metal band that look like hardcore punks but we’re gonna take the piss out of a classic punk rock song about partying and make it sound like dad rock!” lol
Video to witness this spectacle for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gyOvUT0_HE
3The Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Rocky Horror Picture Show


Fright Night:
-> challenge Satanic Panic so they can get the snitchy dad back
-> don’t promise to give a metal performance
-> know they are a goofy band with a terrible band name
-> don't take themselves too seriously
-> play their version of “The Time Warp” from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
-> This is fine
-> actually give a better performance but still lose to Satanic Panic because this game is rigged
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTwzod51zro
4Guns N' Roses
Appetite for Destruction


Dark Mothers:
-> Show up as a surprise showstopper at the end of the battle of the bands just as Satan is about to declare Satanic Panic the winner
-> Fronted by Sabrina - a witch and the LITERAL DAUGHTER OF SATAN
-> backed up by some badass witches including two handsome witch dudes and the most ruthless killer lady in the whole coven
-> literally resurrect the virgin that Satanic Panic sacrificed (mentioned earlier) so she can get her revenge on them
-> Dress up like rockstars
-> represent all that is dark and occult
-> promise to deliver a metal show to rival Satanic Panic
-> tell Fight Night that they won’t be enough to win against Satanic Panic even though they did better at their cover than Satanic Panic did
-> while they perform, the virgin they resurrected blows up Satanic Panic
-> despite all this proceed to play THE WORST COVER OF “SWEET CHILD OF MINE” ANYONE HAS EVER HEARD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Fg4P5ebeOs
5Fever Ray
Fever Ray


Who won? Sabrina did, of course. She and her band win by playing another relatively happy dad rock song about how the sun shines out of some girl’s ass to challenge a “metal” band on the very doorsteps of Hell.
6Marilyn Manson
Antichrist Superstar


Directed and written by people who think that satanic practices is what qualifies a band as a metal band without actually knowing what metal is supposed to sound like or that not all metal is satanic. Metal isn't that mainstream but if they wanted to they could have at least made the satanic band in this episode cover someone like Manson. Motherfucker is as mainstream as satanism gets and he owns it. OR - just call Satanic Panic what they are, which is not metal. And maybe stop also implicating hardcore punk with an evil vibe? Disrespectful af to both metal and punk, honestly.
7Mayhem
De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas


Also, Hell needs better music representatives who won’t chop off its balls with classic rock about partying and sweet little girls, even with the references to horror movies the living dead. If they do another Battle of the Bands in Hell they should bring back Euronymous, who I bet is still pissed that Varg murdered him and would actually shred his guitar because he’s probably way more consumed by revenge than anybody in this entire fucking episode.
8Profanum
Profanum Aeternum Eminence Of Satanic Imperial Art


That won’t happen on a Netflix show about watered-down occult themes though. Even though this is a show about Satan, witches, and even demonic possession, the good pearl-clutching ears of its viewers should never be subjected to any metal or rock music harder than a marshmallow. Right? Right. -_-
9Julee Cruise
Floating into the Night


Maybe I should just take a chill pill about this and watch better TV. I've been trying forever to finish that last season of Twin Peaks.
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