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10.09.20 Albums You Hate - And Why!09.03.20 Ranking My Belly Button Lint
07.27.20 Beardfish Albums Ranked

Ranking My Belly Button Lint

Since I'm a regular navel-gazing type of fellow, I thought I'd examine one of the least discussed phenomenons of the human body. Unless you're Adam and Eve, or you've got a serious outie, you know what I'm talking about. Here is my ranking of the different types of belly button lint that inhabited me at one point or another.
7The Dear Hunter

Natural Green - In all honestly, I love the color green and what it represents: freshness, fertility, and the really good smoothies my mom used to make. But good lord, whenever I see a green morsel protruding from my navel region, it gives me the willies. Maybe its because green is an inherently negative color to have anywhere on your body, maybe its because of a book I read when I was quite young in which a small child wouldn't clean his belly button and a then fucking beanstalk grew out of it. In any case, it sucks and is bad.
6The Dear Hunter

Blood Red - I don't wear a lot of red shirts so the the color red coming out from my stomach usually means that I am bleeding somewhere and I can't feel it or that something is very wrong with me. Not preferable but not as poor as green.
5The Dear Hunter

Dull Black - Standard, normal, drab. The usual. The typical hue of the umbilicus leftovers. Nothing exciting but nothing alarming either. It's nice to have around sometimes but can easily overstay its welcome. Just...average at best.
4The Dear Hunter

Nonexistent Indigo - Honestly having purple belly button lint would be pretty cool lmao. But alas, it has yet to bless me with its presence and thusly I cannot grant it any points except for being neat in theory.
3The Dear Hunter

Peculiar White - One day, as I lay picking around in my navel region with nothing better to do, I loosed a strange pale object lodged firmly deep within my belly button. Further examination revealed it to be somewhat of a small white stone - vaguely refined, like a polished quartz, and scarcely bigger than a hummingbird egg. The origins of said object remain unclear; the puzzling intrigue surrounding its existence grants it an above average ranking on this list.
2The Dear Hunter

Appetizing Orange - I once discovered a little orange nugget hiding amongst the hairs of my navel; it turned out to be a remnant of a bag of Goldfish I was eating a few hours prior. Technically speaking, it isn't actually belly button lint, but I'll make an exception because the fragment retained its flavor and my favorite color happens to be orange. 👌
1The Dear Hunter

Cosmic Blue - I once looked upon a small clump of azure belly button lint as it sat upon my fingertip and became suddenly infatuated with its beauty. I honed in on all of the minute details of this fascinating structure and found myself in awe its sheer complexity. I became absorbed within it, as though I were inside it, winding through its microscopic caverns and flying high above its infinitesimal valleys. It was as if I were in a celestial dream, soaring amongst the Pillars of Creation and beholding their splendor with my own very eyes.

My life has been just a little bit brighter since the day I gazed upon that hallowed lint.
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