botulist
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Last Active 08-18-19 5:21 pm
Joined 07-14-19

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08.18.19 Kaiju Ranked

Kaiju Ranked

a few day ago, despite millenia of evolution sitting somewhere in my cerebral cortex, i watched the new godzilla movie, where all those big scaly plushies and furries slap each other around. Horseshit. List is giant monsters ranked.
1Moth
First Second


Mothra

a moth. a giant moth. give it a giant jacket to chew on, or a giant lamp to bump into stupidly, it'll be busy for centuries. horseshit. 1/10
2Lizard
Spam


Godzilla

a lizard. a giant lizard. i have a friend who inherited a lizard from his creepy angsty depressive brother, it sat under a big lightbulb for days, and very occasionally placidly ate mulch. more horseshit. 2/10
3Pterodactyl
Worldwild


The fucking pterodactyl thing

With the way the US military runs things, let's face it, that oversized carrier pigeon would have been repurposed as a drone, or alternatively, transport of mexican immigrants back across the border. would probably have a confederate flag sticker on its wing. utter horseshit. 1/10
4Apes With Hobbies
Synthopathic


King Kong.

an ape. a giant ape. maybe set up a giant tire swing for him. maybe play him some planet of the apes. maybe give him a giant popsicle, and watch him eat it like a disgusting child, until everything in the vicinity is sticky. complete horseshit. 2/10
5Andre 3000
Look Ma No Hands


Andre the Giant

RIP. his favourite movie was probably My DInner with Andre. 5/10
6Kanye West
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy


The Kardashian Arse

out of all the kaiju, this giant monster came closest to ending all civilization (culturally anyway). 4/10 for sheer menace.
7Bakerloo
Bakerloo


Julien Baker's forehead

why do twee people who look like they're allergic to water always have such bland faces and giant foreheads? 2/10
8Nerd Alert
Demo 2009


All other nerd horseshit

antidepressants and game of thrones is no way to spend a life. try bocce ball. eat subway. and always remember. townes van zandt was never as good as they want you to think.
9Taylor Swift
1989


Lemuel Gulliver

gets extra points for going from being a kaiju to the anti-kaiju to horse whisperer. 7/10
10Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq Diesel


Shaq

funny when falls over. 4/10
11Dicks
Kill From the Heart


Robert Wadlow

bypassed the average height of a Japanese person by 3ft and 5in, or 191 cm if you were educated properly. 5/10
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