Worst Superheroes..
just one fucking disgrace after another.. netflix shows for every one of these twats.. |
| 1 |  | Marvin Gaye
Trouble Man
Seemingly at odds with his sole purpose of superb heroics, Trouble Man is the guy who shows up to thwart a bank robbery and accidentally sets fire to a baby, then tries to put it out by pissing on it..
Ideal actor for the role - Amy Schumer |
| 2 |  | Cherubs
Heroin Man
If you need someone to quietly twitch in the dimmest corner of your basement, intermittently coming up to eat a piece of toast, then vomit it back up immediately, then make off with your jewellery box, only to come back a week later apologizing, back to his corner - Heroin Man is the superhero you need!
Ideal actor for the role - Keith Richards |
| 3 |  | Garth Brooks
Man Against Machine
Just a guy screaming at a dishwasher. Meant to be a complex metaphor for guy screaming at a dishwasher.
Ideal actor for the role - Joe Pesci |
| 4 |  | Billy Joel
Piano Man
His superpower is that he can do the piano drop from Looney Tunes cartoons at any time he wants. Rumours also have it that his cock looks like a traffic baton. Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney are his sidekicks.
Ideal actor for the role - Jeff Goldblum |
| 5 |  | Elton John
Madman Across the Water
Stands across the water from his villains, shitting in his own hand and smearing it onto his face.
Ideal actor for the role - Helena Bonham Carter |
| 6 |  | Rapeman
Two Nuns and a Pack Mule
Yea.......
Ideal actor for the role - Bill Cosby |
| 7 |  | Portugal. The Man
In The Mountain In The Cloud
Can transform into the country of Portugal at will.. Perpetually at battle with his arch nemesis Brazil.The Woman.. Weaknesses include carnations and hard shell pastries. Prone to sitting around cafes and making inappropriate passes at women..
Ideal actor for the role - John Goodman |
| 8 |  | Swans
The Glowing Man
Can only defeat crime that takes place in broad daylight or at raves. Superpowers include colon cancer from prolonged radiation exposure. Sleeps in a coffin made of neon sticks.. Takes a lot of molly.
Ideal actor for the role - Steve Buscemi |
| 9 |  | Elephant Man
Let's Get Physical
Pretty much just assaults the ears of criminals by screaming I Am Not An Animal at the top of his lungs.. Arch nemeses include biologists who tend to point out that both elephants and humans are indeed animals.
Ideal actor for the role - Ron Perlman (come on) |
| 10 |  | Method Man and Redman
Blackout!
The dynamic duo; One is a frigid creature of logic and methodical puzzle-solving, the other is a horrid physical stereotype of a Native American man..
Ideal actors for the role - John Travolta (dual role) |
| 11 |  | Half Man Half Biscuit
Trouble Over Bridgwater
Quite obviously a British superhero in every sense of the word, this superhero's tragedy is that he can't control which side is biscuit on any given day.. His kryptonite is spilled tea, as it makes him too soggy-bottomed to chase after villains.
Ideal actor for the role - Maggie Smith |
| 12 |  | Travis
The Man Who
The size of a pinball, this superhero resides inside Roger Daltrey's ear canal. Weaknesses include quadrophenia and selling out..
Ideal actor for the role - Danny Devito |
| 13 |  | Joe Walsh
Analog Man
Sworn enemy of Stereo Man and Digital Recording Man, Analog Man's secret lair is the attic above a record shop in Brooklyn.. Nourishes himself on hipsters and Dave Grohl pubic hair..
Ideal actor for the role - that dead-eyed girl from Twilight.. |
| 14 |  | Yawning Man
Nomadic Pursuits
Greatest super-strength - never having blocked ears from cabin pressure on account of yawning constantly. Greatest weakness - never seeing any crime on account of having closed eyes while yawning constantly.
Wannabe super hero who's constantly tired due to spending his days bingeing Netflix in an attempt to crib some moves. Killer blow was when a Greggs opened opposite his apartment.
Ideal actor for the role - James Corden |
| 15 |  | Man
Man
The subtlest of superheroes whose superpowers include being carbon-based, saying The Wire is the greatest show despite never having seen it, and routinely buying shoes that are a tad too small from websites with European measurements..
Ideal actor for the role - A non-Alec Baldwin brother |
| 16 |  | Kraftwerk
The Man-Machine
The dishwasher that Man Against Machine screams at. Knows kung-fu or thinks he does, who could really tell?
Ideal actor for the role - Keanu Reeves |
| 17 |  | The Doors
L.A. Woman
Her superpower is squirting botulism from her lifted cheeks into the eyes of her enemies. Weaknesses include flat shoes, dogs that weigh more than three ounces, and jelly donuts. Arch nemesis is the moody and over-caffeinated N.Y. Woman.
Ideal actor for the role - Jean Claude Van Damme |
| 18 |  | Grinderman
Grinderman
Works at a deli on the Lower West Side, where he turns beef into hamburger patties.. Arch nemeses include vegans, water rust and Hindus..
Ideal actor for the role - Woody Allen |
| 19 |  | Minimal Man
The Shroud Of
An ascetic monk who espouses himself to the un-material world.. Consequently, lives with his mother and father and is unemployed.. Is perpetually haunted by Want Ad sections of newspapers.. Considered occupying Wall Street, but decided that ignoring Wall Street required less of him..
Ideal actor for the role - Judi Dench |
| 20 |  | Heart Attack Man
The Manson Family
A complex character who has the uncanny ability to die without logic or reason, never to resurrect again.. Tries to avoid stressful situations, like any reasonable superhero would.. Sidekick is a trash can possum.
Ideal actor for the role - Tom Hardy in a fat suit.. |
| 21 |  | Ariana Grande
Dangerous Woman
Just a hooligan in a tight mini-skirt.
Ideal actor for the role - Dustin Hoffman |
| 22 |  | Black Flag
Family Man
His wide array of superpowers include being relatively good at Scrabble, never missing dinner, owning multiple booster seats, having nary a shirt without baby food stains on it, and generally slowly imploding inside from the weight of all his hasty decisions resulting in a domestic situation he deeply regrets.. Arch nemesis is Bachelor Man..
Ideal actor for the role - Meryl Streep |
| 23 |  | Mick Harvey
Intoxicated Man
His keen ability to fall down in alleyways is only rivaled by his super skills of projectile vomiting and muttering remorse about his relationship with his father and ex-wives.. Weaknesses include drunk tanks, rehab facilities, cider and H20..
Ideal actor for the role - Sean Penn |
| 24 |  | King Woman
Doubt
A transsexual superhero figuring here purely for reasons of inclusion-ism, political correctness and to keep the thundering sanctimony of straight white liberal trust fund babies off our backs..
Ideal actor for the role - whatever trans actors are kicking around, so we don't get accused of whitewashing.. |
| 25 |  | Latterman
No Matter Where We Go...!
Previously of the crime-fighting duo Latterman and Formerman, Latterman is a superhero profoundly embittered by the loss of his partner.. Can travel through time to any point in history when a stuffy academic has said 'While the latter,...' So pretty much anywhen.. Has no other distinguishing powers, and is in fact, pallid and weak.. may have hemophilia..
Ideal actor for the role - that stuttering creepy-looking unfunny cunt from Arrested Development.. |
| 26 |  | John Williams
Superman
Running around New York City, frantically looking for a phone booth in the cellular age.. When he does find one, gets the crap pummeled out of him by the hooker who's been using the booth as a day spa..
Ideal actor for the role - Adam West, the original Batman.. |
| 27 |  | Mutoid Man
War Moans
Consistently mocked by other superheroes for having what is essentially a store-brand generic superhero name.. Mutoid Man's superpower is realizing two important but counteracting things at the same time, locking his face into a dumbfounded grimace.. Arch nemeses include everyone everywhere at all times..
Ideal actor for the role - a tall stack of pennies |
| 28 |  | Prince
Batman
A much more literal representation of a Batman than the diluted commercialized popular version, this Batman mostly just flies around grazing fields at night biting cows.. Sleeps upside down, naturally.. Superpowers include occasionally flying into open windows and then not knowing how to get back out.. Arch nemeses include insects large enough to choke on, and Batman..
Ideal actor for the role - Larry King |
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