heck: give me your best terrible puns

FullOfSounds 09.17.16	Not mine: "There is fine line between numerator and denominator. Only a fraction of people will get the joke."
WashboardSuds 09.17.16	spuntnik music see what I did there?
FullOfSounds 09.17.16	Ohhhh
Avagantamos 09.17.16	I was taking a walk at the local shipyard under the docks, and one collapsed on top of me. I'm under pier pressure.
heck 09.17.16	if Fenriz is a postal worker, does that make it blackmail?
ConcubinaryCode 09.17.16	After the horse bachelor spent several nights drinking with loose companions he decided he'd rather be in a stable relationship.
CaimanJesus 09.17.16	The rabbi really messed up that circumcision. It was a total rip-off
ArtBox 09.17.16	Some Vikings got me caught up in a Ponzi scheme. Those damn Scamdinavians.
MistaCrave 09.17.16	Sometimes, when struck with a sudden case of diarrhea, it can be difficult to asscertain the culprit
FullOfSounds 09.17.16	Man I love these. Verm that's not even a pun lol.
spookynewghostfriend 09.17.16	lololololololo
Rowan5215 09.17.16	I bought some shoes off a drug dealer, dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Divaman 09.17.16	A guy gets married, and decides on his honeymoon, he wants to ring the bell at Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris. When he and his bride arrive at the Cathedral, they're greeted by Quasimodo. The guy explains his fantasy, and Quasi says "No problem." So they climb the steps to the bell tower, only for the guy to discover that the bell has no rope. "How do you ring it?" the guy asks Quasi. "Like this," Quasi replies. Quasi takes a couple of steps backwards, charges forward, and smashes headfirst into the bell, which gives a tremendous ring. The guy shrugs and says "OK." He takes a step backwards, charges face first into the bell, and bounces back. The bell remains silent. Against his bride's wishes, he decides to try again. He takes two steps back, and charges again. He bounces back, this time with a huge lump on his head. But the bell still remains silent. More determined, he ignores his bride's pleas, takes three steps back and prepares to try again. He charges forward at full speed. He nose breaks, teeth fly out of his mouth, his head splits like a melon and he bounces back several feet, but nothing happens. The bell still remains silent. He staggers to his feet. His bride is sobbing and begging him to stop, but he brushes her off impatiently. He steps back as far as can, so his back actually touches the outer rail of the bell tower. He focuses single mindedly. Quasi looks on impassively. The guy silently counts down from three, then charges like a locomotive train. He hits the bell face-first, bouncing off of it like a fly off of a windshield. He flies back over the rail of the bell tower and plunges to a painful death below. And the final insult - the bell remains silent. An hour later, Quasimodo stands at the door of the cathedral watching imperturbably as the police scrape up the remains in front of his hysterical widow. The police inspector sees Quasi standing there, and walks up to him. "Did you know this guy?" he asks. Quasi shakes his head, and says "Face doesn't ring a bell."
Snake. 09.17.16	hi drunk i'm dad
FullOfSounds 09.17.16	Divaman's could have ended with a moral or something, rather than a pun.
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	what do you call the Christian man's wholesale buyers club? THE PENTA-COSTCO i made that one up myself
ConcubinaryCode 09.17.16	It's was an unknown fact that the beatles decided on the spelling of their band as an inside joke due to how John Lennon used to beat his wife.
MistaCrave 09.17.16	My name is Hugh Hugh Mungus
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	ugh
NordicMindset 09.17.16	more like Hugh G. Rekshyn
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	no
theBoneyKing 09.17.16	Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? They don't believe in higher powers.
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	better
theBoneyKing 09.17.16	I once entered ten puns into a pun contest. I really thought one would win, but no pun in ten did.
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	OLD
Calc 09.17.16	hear about the scarecrow that got promoted? he was outstanding in his field
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	nice
TheSpaceMan 09.17.16	^a waitress told me that one once and I tipped her hard
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	just the tip?
TheSpaceMan 09.17.16	shoulda gone deeper, i was young
ConcubinaryCode 09.17.16	I never thought I'd miss my rock collection until they got thrown out. I sure took them for granite.
TVC15 09.17.16	http://www.sputnikmusic.com/list.php?memberid=840110&listid=166071
theNateman 09.17.16	Ok this isn't a quick one but in disney's Alice in wonderland cartoon, the flowers are pestering Alice about what kind of flower she is before they say, and I quote "[Alice is,] to put it bluntly, a weed!" And I haven't stopped laughing at it since
Typhoon24 09.17.16	that nigga straight up like 12 o clock
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	"to put it bluntly, a weed!" oooooooh snap
ScuroFantasma 09.17.16	"I never thought I'd miss my rock collection until they got thrown out. I sure took them for granite." god damn it
zakalwe 09.17.16	I've always wanted to read Stephen Hawkings 'A Brief History of Time' but can never find the time.
Sinternet 09.17.16	i went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday the other day. I tell you what, never again.
heck 09.17.16	good job guys, you didn't disappoint
BallsDeep 09.17.16	so I just read the first ten puns in this thread looking for one to make me laugh... no pun in ten did hohoho
BallsDeep 09.17.16	fk I see someone beat me to it
Lord(e)Po)))ts 09.17.16	fail
BallsDeep 09.17.16	oh Once I ate two pieces of string and they came out tied together. I shit you not.
ArsMoriendi 09.17.16	Why did the musician stop going fishing? It was too much treble to catch a bass. (Just made this one up, don't kill me...)
BallsDeep 09.17.16	^couldn't keep his balance?
Storm In A Teacup 09.17.16	I bet my dad would create an account just for this thread and destroy it.
Storm In A Teacup 09.17.16	I prefer keeping my eyes out the back of my head tho so I'm gonna keep it from him.
Typhoon24 09.17.16	i LOLed at the chicken well one
TheCrocodile 09.17.16	What are pirates' favourite country? ARRRgentina
random 09.21.16	"I'm anemic too, a Neiman Marcus shopper.-Young Thug.
DinosaurJones 09.21.16	Did you hear they arrested a T-Rex at the border? ...yeah, they caught him trying to smuggle small arms across.
StrikeOfTheBeast 09.21.16	I have a picture of Roger Rabbit. You know what I did with it? I framed it...
Sharkattack 03.08.20	What do you call it when someone who isn’t a father makes a dad joke? Faux pas
parksungjoon 03.08.20	shark stop it
Sharkattack 03.08.20	I’m addicted dude I’m sorry
Sharkattack 03.08.20	There’s so much good material why do we only use the current lists of the day?
parksungjoon 03.08.20	bro just listen to n.o.d.
Sharkattack 03.08.20	K the link you sent had no hip hop tho and only had like 5 entries so was vry confused
parksungjoon 03.08.20	wait what?
Satellite 03.08.20	thought this list was gonna be about terrible punk :/
Sharkattack 03.08.20	That list would be too long
parksungjoon 03.08.20	whats some terrible punk
Sharkattack 03.08.20	The misfits
parksungjoon 03.08.20	youre kidding right?