Review Summary: Kroegressive chick-magnet, results guaranteed.
In September I had already made a review for the new Opteh album Heritage (Of Gay), also known as “The Gay Album” or “the gayest grandpa album of 2011”, but then I realized it wouldn’t be fair to have a review about gayness without having another about sheer kroegressive awesomeness, so I decided to review this masterpiece called Heritage (Of Love), which was released in 1985 by Sweden’s finest cock rockers, the band Akerstache.
Words can’t describe this fine masterpiece. From the very moment I firstly heard it, I couldn’t believe my ears. Badass cock-riffs combined with kroegelicious keytar solos, ultra-fast shredding and a ***ing mayunly voice (probably the mayunliest you’ll ever hear) burnin’ with the fayurgh of desayurgh (to make love (in the city (of love (tonight (baybuh))))), not to mention the extremely kickass, energic drumming. All those things caused my Svöllen-Böehner to violently pierce through my pants and kroejaculate all over the speakers, and my scrotum to swell and subsequently explode, leaving traces of jizz everywhere.
1. Heritage (Of Love) – Here’s the title track. Probably the most intense and powerful song from the album (SO ENERGY, POWAH!!!), and also the perfect opener. Instead of having ***ty gay grampa sleep-inducing pianos, we have ENERGY and POWAH and MAYUNLINESS. What else do you need? Martie “Wood-swinger” Axeman goes crazy during this song. He drums like a mother***er. The guitar work is simply astounding, not only the riffs, but also the solos, particularly the one that starts at 02:43, which made me thick as a brick and burnin’ with the fayurgh of desayurgh. The lyrics obviously deal with things that only real mewyun would understand. It’s a simple, yet kroegressive story, about a mayun who’s eagerly coming back to his heritage of love after a long time without it. My favourite part of the song is: YOU WERE BAWWWRNIN’ WITH FAYYYUUUH, I WAZ FUUHHHLLL OOOOFFFFF DESAAAYUUUHHH, WE WERE MAKIN’ SWEET SWEEEEET LOOOUUUUVVHE! Inarguably better than that faggity circus jazz Jan Frottansson-influenced Opteh version, Heritage (Of Gay). Rating (1-10) = 10000000000000000000
2. The Devil’s Orchard (God Is Dead, Baybuh) – Another legendary track from the legendary legends of cock rock, whose lyrics were later ripped-off by that ***ty gay grampa band Opteh. I gotta say, I absolutely love that falsetto during the chorus (“GGGGGAWWWWWDDD IS DEEEEEYEEAAAD!!!!!”), which I believe later inspired Steel to record the EP Heavy Metal Machine using that type of vocals, and it also made me jizz so much that it caused my meatballs to go dry, hanging incredibly low and dramatically reducing in size, situation that was immediately reversed during I Feel The Dark (In The City). Rating (1-10) = 10000000000000000000
3. I Feel The Dark (In The City) – One of the best songs in Heritage (Of Love), also the most atmospheric, next to Nepenthe (Was Her Name). The chorus for this legendary song is also one of the best moments in music history, fact. Only mawdz and srsfags can’t understand the beauty present in Akerstache songs. If you’re not mayunly enough, listening to this can even turn into something really dangerous as your feeble brain might not handle the extreme, kroegressive pressure and burst, such as your genitals. My favourite part HAS to be: “YO BURNIN’ FAYUUUUH, AND MAH DEEP DESAYUUHHH, MAED ME FEEYUHL LIKE SUCH A MAYUN, BAAAYYYBBBUUUUHHHH!” Fawk yeah, baybuh! Rating (1-10) = 100000000000000000000
4. Slither (My Snake All Over Your Body) –Mayunliest song ever, right after the ‘Back’s “LOOGA DIS FOTUGRAHFF!!1”. First time I heard the main riff, two new balls suddenly popped up. This is definitely Akerstache’s finest single, which would certainly make the Chadman (A.K.A. God) proud of his creation, if he listened to the punchy riffs present throughout this song. We also have a nice atmospheric section at the middle of the song resemblant of “I Feel The Dark (In The City)”, and just when you expect the song to fade out slowly, all of a sudden, a mawyunly riff knocks on your backdoor and causes you to have explosive kroegasms all over the place, not to mention the surprisingly kroegeriffic solo near the end. Rating (1-10) = 100000000000000000
5. Nepenthe (Was Her Name) – SO BEAUTIFUL, TEARS!!!1!!!11 SO MELANCHOLY!!1!!1 An unconventional song, considering it’s from the ‘Stache, but nevertheless awesome. It made me cry tears of semen (quote from Grampa Underscore™) due to its emotiveness. The Sleaze’s vocal performance is drenched with overtones of sadness and grief, but do not worry, his voice is still as kroegressive as in the other tracks. The melodies are really beautiful, guitar work is sublime but kroegtastic, and atmosphere is definitely something that doesn’t lack on this song. Rating (1-10) = 1000000000000000
6. Häxprocess (The Process Of Love) – Starts off in the most awesome way possible, a cockin’ riff that kicks srsfags in the nuts multiple times. This song also contains some of my favourite lines, which turn me on, baybuh, with a switch, and leave me burnin’ with the fayurgh of desayurgh to go outside during a fright night and make sweet louvhe with a djeepseeeyyy queeuuhhn (in the city (of love)), BAAAYYYBUUUUUHH. During this track, again, the Sleaze displays his pure talent to play faster-than-light chops, and he does it masterfully, like a real mawyun. Rating (1-10) = 10000000000000000
7. Famine (In The City (Of Love (In The City (Of Love)))) – Fawk yeah baybuh, my favourite song from the album (yes, I love it even more than Ode To Chad). It contains some of the catchiest, cockiest, most memorable riffs EVER, and truly epic geetar solos as well. Also, it’s one of the fastest songs from Heritage (Of Love), with a crazy mother***er sitting behind the drumset, Martin “Wood-swinger” Axeman, who did a great job during this track. ALSO, when you listen to this song, make sure you’re holding a bottle of water, because you might squirt so much that you’ll even dehydrate and ***in’ pass out in a matter of seconds. Trust me, from personal experience. This style of music is called explosive ejaculatory ballistics for a reason. I’d also like to mention/emphasize some of the lyrics in this song, which are incredibly catchy and haven’t gotten out of my head, after four months: “HMM LOUVHE IS DEAD, BAYBUUUH”, or “IF AH FIND U TONIGHT, EVERYTHING IZ GAWNNA BE ALRIIIIIIIGHT!” Rating (1-10) = 1000000000000000000000000
8. The Lines In My Hand (Tell Me You’re The One) – Another magnificent yet underrated track from Akerstache, baybuh. This one is slightly more romantic and emotional than the previous ones, storyline is also a bit similar to the title song, dealing with the vows of a long relationship, and solos are probably the best on this album, right after the ones in Famine (In The City (Of Love (In The City (Of Love)))), and vocals? Mayunly as ***, baaayyyybuueeehh! Listening to this song makes me feel like petting a soft, furry kitten whilst eating some hot, melted cheese. Great work, Akerstache. Rating (1-10) = 100000000000000000
9. Folklore (Interlude in Em Composed For The Keytar) – Hung Lo proved that he’s a keytar genius during this track. An epic, kroegtastic composition which leaves us apprehensive and sets the mood for the next song. Rating (1-10) = 100000000000000
10. (My Love For You Is Deeper Than The) Marrow Of The Earth – A nice fusion of melody, suspense, and most of all, mayunliness. Incredible keytar performance from beginning to end, adding a singular atmosphere to this song. The section between 01:06 and 01:52 is one of my favourite parts on the entire album, it has two absolutely fantastic solos (geetar and keytar) which left my balls hanging low and gave me a skin-ripping erection, as well as the last minute, which is the most intense moment from Heritage (Of Love), and truly breathtaking as well. Rating (1-10) = 100000000000000000
11. Now You’re A Man (DVDA cover) – One of the best damn covers I’ve ever heard in my life. I was already familiar with the version from the movie Orgazmo, but this one managed to surpass its mayunliness. It’s also longer than the DVDA version, which shows Akerstache is a creative band who doesn’t simply rip-off the original songs. NOW YOU’RE A MAYYUUUUN, A MAWYUN MAWYUN MAWYUN!!!! Rating (1-10) = 1000000000000000
12. Ode To Chad – Holy ***ing *** bros, this is the HIGHLIGHT of Heritage (Of Love), despite my preferences being favorable to Famine (In The City (Of Love (In The City (Of Love)))). What a way to end such a kroegtastic album! Akerstache pays an homage to the Kroegster™ during this song, he also thanks his loyal fans for their support, and ALSO, lyrics in this song are definitely my ***ing favourite of all-time, they mention the best things in life: soft, furry kittens, hot, melted cheese, and the Chadman. After reading these lyrics, I cried tears of semen and squirted hot, melted cheese all over the monitor and speakers: “In the beginning there was Chad, and boy, the people were glad. He was bringing the message of rock to the world, with soft, furry kittens by his side and hot, melted cheese as his pride… Hail Chad, hail Chad, His mightiness The Kroegster, reign supreme. His cock is large, just like a barge, if you don't hail The Kroegster you will die. If you don't think that Nickelback invented Rock & Roll then you, my friend, deserve to be devoured by a pack of honey badgers. You won't get to listen to Dead By April, or Black Veil Brides, BrokeNCYDE and Creed… Hail Chad, hail Chad 'Cause if you don't, you'll make him very sad When Chad is sad, he will have sex with your mother and your girlfriend
And your dog… Hail Chad, hail Chad, Hail America and cheeseburgers - our life is very grand, if you don't like America, then Chad will come and burn you to the ground… THIS ONE’S FOR ALL MAH BROS:
Metality
NWG369
TTMichael18
David_J1973
JBTHazard
Fandrades
Akerstache (The Imposter)
Slaughterfish
MinstrelKnight
ajellendersen
csm-cz
Schizo94 (fawk yeah baybuh I get mentioned!)
FilthyBorgir
Trooper83
MKVR32
Azrael667
Jessemetal1”
All the bros (including me) get mentioned in this song, which was one of the highlights of year 2011 for me, if not THE highlight. Too bad those ***ing srsfags aren’t mawyunly enough to understand our “memes” in the Opteh Lovebox (Of Love), and they ended up turning it into a ***box. BUT THE L(OL) SHALL RISE. Rating (1-10) = 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000
Overall rating (1-10) = ∞ Best album of the year 1985 for sure, and my favourite right after the entire discography from the ‘Back. Truly a kroegressive cock rock masterpiece which can turn a troubled woman into a mawyun burnin’ with the fayurgh of desayurgh (to make love (in the city (of love (in the city (of love (tonight (baybuh))))))).
