Review Summary: Plies finally made it: an album so hilariously terrible, you wonder if he put any thought into it at all.
Plies is a mixed blessing. Now, I know, given the rating, it’s a strange way to start, but hear me out. Plies offers nothing but the worst lyrics, mumbled in a half-assed manner over glitzy and dramatic beats that hardly fit. That’s probably closer to what you expected, correct? What separates Floridian rapper Plies from the other artists in his skill range (see: none at all) is his ability to write the worst rhymes, the worst hooks, and the worst lyrics of all time and make them so ridiculously hilarious, as proven in his latest, long-anticipated work of art,
Goon Affiliated.
Hitting the ground running with the overzealous money-and-fame cliché that’s become a staple of the radio-sweeping rap genre, Plies lets you know exactly what’s on his mind. “Go Live” commences with an intro and a chorus so sloppily slurred I can’t even transcribe it; but the rough feel one gets from it is one that any Plies fan (if they exist) is familiar with: the infamous “I have a lot of money, you have less than me, or possibly none” approach. Bonus track “Bricks On Me” (a misleadingly hilarious song title) and idiotically named “Rob Myself” touch on the same topic, as does fellow club-banger, “Awesome.” Make no mistake--all of these songs feature lyrics that could be easily cut and condensed into one infinitesimally terrible song, likely to set your ears on fire if heard in it’s entirety. Fortunately Plies does us a favor and spreads around the atrociousness.
One track that deserves a special mention simply on (lack of) merit alone is the infamous "Bruh Bruh." For the past two or three albums now, Plies has used the term "bruh"--a bastardization of the colloquialism "bro," mind you, to address those who aren't ready to become full-fledged goons. It was only so long until his dwindling source of originality ran out, and he was forced to scrounge up material the only way he could--his own unintelligible jargan. "Bruh Bruh" is the shining star of atrocity on this album, given that, as the name implies, Plies says bruh a lot.
A lot. In fact, the outro to the track is just him saying "bruh bruh" fifteen times. That's thirty individual bruhs, piled on top of
who knows how many other times he utters that unforgivable slang. If you weren't worn out on it before this track, you sure as hell will be afterwards. All things aside, the repetition, slurring, and lazy, listless beat combine to make this track ten times more annoying than it is hilarious. That said, it's still pretty funny.
However, none of Plies’ tracks boasting money, fame, and now slang are nearly as hilarious as the antics found on
Da REALest’s single, “Plenny Money,” or
Definition of Real’s “Who Hotter Than Me?” Where the real hilarity and enjoyment can be found on
Goon Affiliated is deep within the saucy R&B-influenced slow-jams. “Goonette,” for example, harkens back to Plies’ love for all things goon--his term for his accomplices who act on his behalf (or something). Goonette’s inner beauty lies somewhere between the first lyric (“For her birthday, I got her a pink ski-mask/When I piss her off she won’t let me eat the pussy when she gets mad.) and the atrociously (but always hilariously) assembled steamy chorus, with some unnamed featured singer belting at the top of his lungs, “She’s got good loving, and she keeps it on deck/I’m her goon, yeah, and she’s my goonette.” Another entirely sexual, but not slow track, “Good Dick,” is built entirely around--you guessed it--how awesome his penis is. Opening the song with the God-awful chorus and the laugh-getting lyric “Good dick committee, and I’m the president!” gets the ball rolling for the bumpy, poorly written, over-produced ride that is “Good Dick.”
His humor reaches a deeper level though--after another spin or two, one realizes that Plies must have little, if any, sexual experience whatsoever. This is especially true if you hearken back to the little-known, but immensely raunchy wet-dream that is “Ms. Pretty Pussy.” Yes, that’s actually a song. While lyrically it’s one of the most filthy things I’ve ever had the glory of hearing, its usage of anatomical structures and boastful acts of sexual “prowess” are just…well…wrong. The same holds true for Good Dick, and really, every time Plies mentions sex. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong:
Goon Affiliated is hands down one of the worst records I’ve ever heard. Even on a humor scale, it really only has two or three tracks that really compare to his past works, and if you’re attempting to get some tangible musical merit out of it, don’t bother. All the talent Plies had to offer must have snuck off during all those nights he spent alone in an enormous mansion, watching porn and trying to figure out what exactly was going on--leaving a terrible, but hilarious album behind in it’s wake.
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