Review Summary: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Jason Mraz: Thanks so much for talking to me today Mr. Producer. I've come to you because your specialty over the years has been taking artists who showed promise and then reducing their music to pure commercial value and sales. Aside from being low on cash and self-esteem, I also know that I haven’t been relevant in years but I’m telling you, this album is gonna put me back in the spotlight.
Mr. Producer: Absolutely! First of all I'm flattered. Secondly, I'm happy to hear what you have to say. I mean your insistence on being a “singer-songwriter” means you’ve never really been bankable, and it’s always kept you from being fully recognized as the paramount genius you are, so I’m ready to hear it.
Jason Mraz: Okay so first of all, we have to discuss the most important and interesting aspect of my new album, which is the title. You see, I had an acid trip fifteen years ago which I’ve always referred to as my
Mystical Magical Rhythmical Radical Ride, so I named my album after that!
Mr. Producer: Hmmm, interesting! In an attempt to grab the attention of unsuspecting consumers, you’ve made it very wordy and long-winded. It doesn’t roll off the tongue and honestly due to its length, it’s very forgettable. Considering that you haven’t really had a fan base, commercial success, or recognition for years though, I couldn’t have thought of a more perfect album title!
Jason Mraz: I thought so too! Thank you so much, Mr. Producer! Anyway, pop music went into a new direction about ten years ago, which I was too short-sighted and uninspired to follow. That’s all changing now though, this new album is going to be my Mona Lisa, my Moonlight Sonata, my Doodle for Google winner!
Mr. Producer: Oh? Pray tell, Jason.
Jason Mraz: So with this new album, I'm going to make a feeble attempt at letting loose. I’ve embraced how hopelessly futile it is to keep doing silly indie-guitar music, but I also can’t totally let go because branching out too much is scary. I’m going to pretend to experiment with more dance-oriented pop tunes, replete with horns, bass lines, and funk vibes, and then I’m going to give people some more of the Jason Mraz they know and love.
Mr. Producer: Well I don’t know if I would go so far as to say people still love you, but I’m sure there are a few people who still fondly remember one or two of your songs in a nostalgic manner. That number is probably pretty small at this point though.
Jason Mraz: You’re right, it totally is, but who’s counting? The album is going to start off with an intro that is actually an entire song. While it will have some legitimately interesting string and synth arrangements, I’m going to make it feel like a sort of build up that doesn’t build into anything. After that, I’ll jump right into the lead single, “I Feel Like Dancing.” That song is going to seemingly set the mood for the whole record, even none of the rest of it will really sound like that. I’m also going to make certain aspects of it tolerable while still retaining my historically low lyrical standards. I even brought a couple of lines here to show you. “Smile with your hipsahhhhhhhh.” Pretty good, right?
Mr. Producer: Wow! I love it! That sounds like the perfect way to start the worst album of the year! With a premise that bad, what are you possibly doing that will make anything about it tolerable?
Jason Mraz: Well, the horns and bass line are actually going to be funky and catchy. I’ve also written a hook that, while it isn’t saying much, is probably the best one I’ve written in years.
Mr. Producer: Can’t have that. If you actually make anything in the album enjoyable it might sell over one hundred copies, which is the totality of the budget the label will be able to set aside for CD printing costs.
Jason Mraz: Don’t worry! I already thought of that. See, I’ve drawn out the storyboard for a music video for the song, which will ensure that any redeeming qualities of the song itself are drowned in the hideous outfit I’m wearing and subpar dance skills.
Mr. Producer: Truly, Mr. Mraz, your brilliance is unparalleled. Tell me more about this album though. Do you have a plan for the rest of it?
Jason Mraz: Okay! Let me give you the lowdown. So the album’s going to be about forty minutes long. I'm framing the first half as my “return to pop music,” and it will feature some interesting grooves and hip-shaking bass lines. It will be something different, and that slight difference is going to keep the listener sucked into the album because it’s something they haven’t heard me do before. My voice is too smooth and airy for that kind of music, so the clash between my voice and the funky arrangements will be immediately noticeable, grating and annoying. I’m also going to throw in different whoops and hollers and even try singing outside my usual register (sort of), all of which is going to accentuate how badly my voice sounds against that kind of background.
The music itself won't be anything you haven't heard before. Some artists have pulled off this style and turned out masterpieces but I don't do those. I’m pretty hopelessly ripping off a pop train that left long ago. In order to maintain some form of credibility though, I’m going to make the second half of the album a bunch of songs that are rip offs of my own songs! In fact they will be so unoriginal that you won’t help but fall asleep by the time you hit the twenty-seven minute mark of the album. It’s a surefire formula for success.
Mr. Producer: The sounds mortifying, Jason. It's perfect! Seems like you’re going for a "so-bad-it's-good" effect.
Jason Mraz: Precisely, except it won’t be good at all. So it’ll just be bad. I’ll give you another example—“Pancakes and Butter.” The song is going to have a sleek, laid-back feel. People listening to it will think it screams for some soulfully smooth singer to sing about getting naughty in the backseat of his girlfriend’s car. I won’t do that though—because I can’t—so instead I’ll sing about how we go together “like pancakes and butter.” The best part of it is that I’m not going to mention maple syrup at all!
Mr. Producer: How naughty! That will totally offend anyone who's ever eaten a pancake.
Jason Mraz: Precisely! Some other examples will be "Disco Sun," which will feature a somewhat interesting bass line and melody, but will also find me repeatedly saying “You get down low like an animal.” Don’t know what it means? Neither do I! It will have people trying to figure out what I meant, when really it was all just a bunch of nonsensical gibberish anyway. “Irony of Loneliness” will actually have an interesting hook, a charming melody and neat harmonies but I’ve gone to great lengths to make sure the lyrics are so bad that no listener will possibly be able to get past them for any good qualities in the music. Everything after that song will then be a guitar ballad, with the exception of “You Might Like It,” which will be a weirdly awkward meshing of the two styles and quite possibly be the worst song on the album.
Truthfully, I feel like there are going to be quite a few moments where true music lovers are going to want to like the album based on some endearing moment or nice melody. They will be unable to actually like it because in the end ultimately it will be a lazy cash grab on my part to "get back into pop" without doing the real work of making a quality pop record. Essentially, it will not only be the worst of my past, but also a glimpse at the worst of my future.
Mr. Producer: Jason, I have to be honest with you, I don’t think I can help you with this album. I feel like your vision is far too deep for me to fully comprehend. It is probably the most cringe-worthy collection of ideas ever assembled on one album and yet somehow it will probably be the envy of musicians everywhere and make a good number of people have uncontrollable urges to make your babies so that they can foster the next true genius of our times. I’m very sorry Jason, I hope you find a producer that can help you achieve what you want.
Jason Mraz: I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Producer, do you really like it that much though?
Mr. Producer: No. What you just described to me is the biggest crock of bullsh*t I’ve heard in years. I went along with you because I thought you were joking, but holy crap you have lost your mind. First of all, the very idea you doing funky pop music is pretentious and makes my eardrums bleed. Secondly you're not a very good songwriter so the entire album is bound to be one giant derivative heap of bad ideas. You do have the ability to write catchy music sometimes so that'll pretty much be the only redeeming quality of the entire album. I want nothing to do with this. Kindly make like a tree and get the f*ck out of my office.
Jason Mraz: Oh, but Mr. Producer, I can’t.
Mr. Producer: What are you talking about? Get up and walk out.
Jason Mraz: Well, Mr. Producer, this isn’t actually your office.
Mr. Producer: Wha—
Jason Mraz: You’re actually in Hell, Mr. Producer. You’ve spent your entire lifetime greedily subjugating artists to your sadistic will for sales. You have forced musicians to compromise their artistic integrity and pride and made their goals about as important as the ants that you step on daily. You have consistently degraded and harmed musicians over the years for your own personal benefit and wallet. When music became less important than dollar bills to you, your fate was sealed. At that moment, you entered into a contract with Satan himself and your success has bound you to eternal suffering in this particular ring of Hell. Your punishment is to listen to me pitch this album to you repeatedly until Judgment Day.
(Everything freezes and Jason Mraz disappears. Mr. Producer suddenly finds himself sitting at his desk with a cup of coffee and a vague memory of what just occurred. He picks up the phone.)
Mr. Producer: Receptionist? Can I talk to you for a second? I just had an incredibly strange dream where Jason Mraz was trying to pitch an album to me. What he was describing was a candidate for the worst record of the year but he seemed so excited about it. Then he said I was actually in Hell and would be doomed to suffer listening to him pitch it for eternity. Yeah it was very strange. Wait. What do you mean Jason Mraz is on his way up to see me? I didn't agree to th—
(Door opens.)
Jason Mraz: Thanks so much for talking to me today Mr. Producer. I've come to you because your specialty over the years has been taking artists who showed promise and then reducing their music to pure commercial value and sales. Aside from being low on cash and self-esteem, I also know that I haven’t been relevant in years but I’m telling you, this album is gonna put me back in the spotlight.
Mr. Producer: Oh f*ck.
