Review Summary: Doof's Flying Circus
The most educational album I've ever had the good fortune to encounter, here's a selection of the invaluable insights I've taken from 'Freakshow' and then applied to my own life:
1. The Freaks / whenever a snake woman gargles down a man's semen she promptly sheds her skin afterwards. This is a nature thing.
2. Snake Woman / a snake woman who earns a living giving blow jobs will have foul tasting saliva. Cums with the territory.
3. High Heel Shoes / there's always been a huge demand for high grade human fat on the black market. Yes, way before Fight Club and Beth Ditto made it fashionable.
4. Avarice / money won't tingle your taste buds but that doesn't stop it feeling hella good when you lick and gobble it.
5. Matchstick Man / a midget will welcome having as many children as possible as this will greatly increase the proportion of people in their life who physically have to look up at them.
6. Lobotomy / personal hygiene will plummet in the freshly lobotomised patient and what's worse is that they won't notice any difference.
7. Bleeding Lady / I'd pay good money to watch a woman slowly bleed to death, especially if I'm allowed to poke her with a stick.
8. Three-Legged Jake / a weak willed dog will stay with its master even if the owner cuts off one of its legs. This has been proven in countless scientific trials.
9. Three Pairs of Arms / if you possessed three pairs of arms you'd probably be as interesting dead as you were alive and are an absolute dead cert for a posthumous embalming. Same thing if you die with a twelve inch erect penis.
10. Deathless Man / it wouldn't take long for living forever to seriously suck. You'd already be clinically depressed before reaching 120 years of age.
11. Miracle Cure / desperate people will pay whatever it takes yo. You got 'em by the ghoulies.
12. Flipper Boy / don't put a vampiric half man/half fish in the same tank as nubile teenage mermaids. This isn't Waterworld, he won't be as polite as Kevin Costner, he'll drain them dry given the merest sniff of an opportunity.
13. The Wind and the Rain / it is imperative for the successful pimp to set up a reliable scouting network for fresh talent, there's no room for sentimentality in this industry.
14. Dreams / if you're asleep in a long term coma the most fantastical dream you can have is of waking up.
15. Hairy Man / a stage 5 hairy man won't produce hair covered turds but they will shed enough fur when seated on a toilet to block it within a matter of minutes.
16. Rosa with Three Hearts / having three hearts is no guarantee of a person's longevity.
17. Ugly Joe / all Adolf Hitler's best friends were ugly and had dirty bums (this is historically factual).
18. The News / the X-Men story was actually based on the persecution of freaks in a circus rather than anything racial, whatever Spike Lee says.
19. Together Forever / only freaks are admitted into heaven. Relax, an active Sputnik account is the equivalent of a VIP pass, they'll even fast track you past the queues at the pearly gates.
20. Normo / sometimes very weird people manage to maintain a conventional relationship for a significant period of time. Just look at that degenerate ugly pervert slime Tom Cruise if you are in any doubt.
I hope you took something from this to apply to your own life, please share your own journeys in the comments box below. Peace be with you.
Sent from my iPhone (baby)
