Review Summary: If mainstream rock were a buffet, Blood, Sweat and Towers are the unwanted leftovers.
I’m here to teach you a delicious recipe. But that comes later, so in the meantime, enjoy this…
It’s all about fusion these days. Plenty of contemporary artists, long since incapable of reinventing, much less pioneering musical genres, resort to fusing a couple of existing ones as an escape from the pits of stylistic mediocrity. This approach at making music can often yield pleasing, or even better, commercially successful results; More often than not will a fusion album be hailed by critics as a “revolution” in modern music. Trendy scene magazines with punctuation in their names will ejaculate praise whilst mainstream peons flock to the nearest record shop to get their hands on this wondrous “new sound”. It certainly sells.
While it may be true that there is nothing new under the sun, fusion can certainly give the illusion of generic progression. However, this approach has a profound wildfire effect. That is to say, after a couple of albums, said artist/band will usually have to add something new to the mix to retain commercial freshness. Plenty of bands have come and gone in the blink of an eye after having failed to achieve this; Linkin Park, Jet, and The Darkness to name a few. Eventually, it becomes essential for a fusion band to bring something new to the table in order to avoid the inevitable descent into obscurity.
This is where Towers of London, a now new-ish band from London, England comes in. Their fusion of choice is a simplistic British punk/glam metal mix. Depending on your musical taste, this may sound intriguing, exciting or perhaps merely horrible to you. You may be asking yourself: “Does it work?” Well… no.
The band members have hip-sounding nicknames like Donny Tourette and The Rev (who has since left the band). They all wear tight trousers and sharp-cut jackets, and sport hairpieces reminiscent of such 80’s glam acts as Bon Jovi and Europe, albeit toned-down for today’s less radical hipsters. Yet at the same time there is a lingering, ever-present whiff of punkish rebellion in their demeanour. Towers of London have wedged themselves somewhere in between these two worlds, and in doing so, have forged a watered-down, somewhat confused image of slick, shiny pop icons who happen to be crude, hard-arse rebels at the same time. These are essentially mutually exclusive, but worst of all, we’ve seen it in countless bands before.
Unfortunately, their music very much reflects their messy image. In combining a 70’s punk sound with the brash shininess of 80’s hair metal, they have created something not quite as good as either. The first clue becomes apparent with the production. Their music is held in place by a thick, impenetrable layer of corporate sheen (much like their hair, hahaha). Then there’s the music itself. The band obviously draws its influences from a plethora of sources; “Air Guitar” is an American-sounding hard rock anthem, “Northern Lights” could be a Green Day B-Side (if they had an annoying London accent), and in “Beaujolais”, Tourette imitates the Sex Pistols right down to Johnny Rotten’s habit of rolling “r’s”.
This on its own wouldn’t be too bad; After all, TOL imitates a wide range of established names. This ultimately leads to a lack of coherence, however; As the album progresses, it becomes apparent that the only thing that ties it together is a watery, forgettable hard rock sound. As an album, it is too inconsistent in its style. As a collection of songs, there is a lack of standout tracks as well as a strong adherence to formulaic lyrics. (Indeed, practically every song is about partying, getting ***faced and generally getting into trouble). Bless them, they try though. They copy existing bands with fierce instrumental accuracy, but, predictably, this approach robs them of any uniqueness; Once you reach the country-influenced acoustic version of “*** it Up”, it’s hard not to suspect that they’re taking the piss.
Well, I promised you a delicious recipe, so here it is…
TOWERS OF LONDON SMOOTHIE
Ingredients:
- 5 rich English scene kids
- A large pile of diced Green Day, Sex Pistols and Guns ‘n’ Roses
- A pinch of Oasis
Mix rich kids together in a large recording studio. Apply diced Green Day and Sex Pistols liberally, then add Guns ‘n’ Roses to bind other ingredients together. Sprinkle with diluted Oasis. Serve up in a shiny container that will appeal to unsuspecting hungry teenagers. Optional: Induce vomiting.
