Review Summary: The best time to jam xSPONGEXCOREx, is all the time.
How tough are yah?
HOW TOUGH ARE YAH? It doesn’t matter, because you’ll never be hardcore enough to jam xSPONGEXCOREx--the roughest, toughest band under the seven seas. Only the br00talest of the br00tal can jam them. You need to have to muscles. You need to have muscles on your muscles. You need to muscles on your eyeballs! You need to eat a bowl of chug without any djent! Indeed, xSPONGEXCOREx makes the Salty Spitoon looks like Weenie Hut Junior’s.
For you see,
How Tough Are Yah? is no ordinary jam. It goes
hard! Real
hard! Harder than opening a bottle of ketchup or resisting the urge to cry after stubbing your toe. It is the most emotional album ever released, with every chug, every coarse scream encapsulating all the violent fury of a young, proletariat, poverty-level anthropomorphic sponge working at a dead-end job under a corrupt boss and inhabiting a pineapple in the modern day sin city that is Bikini Bottom. xSPONGEXCOREx kicks more butt than Flats during an afternoon in boating school; their riffs are more explosive than Mrs. Puffs, their breakdowns are tougher than Texas, and their songwriting is as impeccable as the Krabby Patty secret formula. And no, xSPONGEXCOREx do not forget the pickles; every ingredient necessary for a metalcore masterpiece is here and is crafted together so cohesively that not even Plankton himself would dare to steal that formula. Yet, it is unfair to call this album a masterpiece of metalcore; the band brilliantly transcends genre-labeling by being as eclectic as Squidward’s dance routines. From metalcore to metalcore to dubstep and then ingeniously back to metalcore only to end with more metalcore, this album simply has it all. If you thought watching clothes dry at The Wash or going on panty raids with Spongebob and Patrick is fun, wait till you get an earful of this. Oh yes, I’m feeling it
now Mr. Krabs!
How Tough Are Yah? is not just the greatest album ever made; it is an experience that defies words and will elevate your mind to an even higher level than that of Scarlett Johansson in
Lucy (how terrible was that movie, by the way?). I thank you, xSPONGEXCOREx, for delivering unto the world an album that is stronger than Larry the Lobster, more sinister than the Flying Dutchman, more down-to-earth than Sandy, more intricate than the mind of Patrick, more stinging than a jellyfish, more terrifying than the Hash Slinging Slasher, more delicious than a Krabby Patty, and even more entertaining than that episode when Spongebob tamed jellyfish to have dance parties in his house.
If you have any brain at all, you will drop what you’re doing right this second and listen to
How Tough Are Yah? before Viacom inevitably sues xSPONGEXCOREx off the face of the Earth.
