I hated this but have a pos anyway cause whatever
'Shrezzers came right out the gate releasing Relationships with a big statement in mind, metalcore is too bleak, inject some happiness in there you sad ***s, respectfully.'
the grammar is off here. it should read something more like 'Shrezzers came right out the gate with a big statement in mind for Relationships: metalcore is too bleak and needs an injection of happiness, you sad fucks'.
'Relationships is the bands debut album and it's simply staggering to believe this is their debut, even a band such Intervals had a rough first couple outings before finding their signature sound in The Shape of Colour onward, I digress. '
Firstly, youre missing a possessive apostrophe here. it should be 'band's debut'.
Secondly, you need to actually connect each clause a sentence. For example, 'even a band such Intervals' should read 'as even a band such as Intervals'
Thirdly, the 'I digress' is superfluous. You're barely going off topic, it just isnt needed and it reads awkwardly. The sentence could just read 'Relationships is the band's debut album and it's simply staggering to believe this is their debut, as even a band such as Intervals had a rough first couple of outing before finding their sound on The Shape of Colour'
Also this is a good point to mention that its good habit to italicise album titles. You do this by putting [i] and [ /i] (without the gap inside right pair of brackets) around the word you want to italicise
It bothers me that one letter is standing in the way of this being a palindrome
'Shrezzers sound consists of progressive metalcore and djent quite similar to your average metalcore band, but what this band has that non other have the scene is just pure positive vibes'
Shrezzers needs an apostrophe (Shrezzers' sound). The rest is so messy and full of typos and missing words, it should look more like 'but what this band has that none other in the scene have is purely positive vibes'
'The intro Foreword is extremely cringey, I wont defend it, I skip it every time. The the dialogue here is very goofy and slapstick, while I'm not a fan its extremely short and theres no other cringey moments like that on the rest of the record, thankfully'.
The above section comes out of nowhere and gives me whiplash. you were just talking about the positive vibes. why am i now being told about how cringy the intro is? if you incorporate it into the preceding sentence it reads better and makes sense because the following section does thematically connect to the vibes you mentioned.
For example: 'but what this band has that none other in the scene have is purely positive vibes (with the exception of the intro which is particularly cringy but I can ignore it). The track Mystery with its soaring guitar and vocal passages is indicative of the positive vibes that defines Relationships. The rhythm of this track extremely upbeat, and very easy to groove along to it, making it definitely more palatable than something like Silent Planet would be.'
'Swiftly moving on to the second track entitled Mystery, this track immediately lets you know what the band is all about. Consisting of soaring guitar passages and vocal passages. The rhythm of this is extremely upbeat, and very easy to groove along to it, definitely more palatable than something like Silent Planet would be.'
Lets double back and examine this section. Firstly you often dont need to announce what youre doing as you do it. just do it! Just as there was no need for 'i digress' theres no need for 'swiftly moving on'. Its a sort of filler.
Secondly 'Consisting of soaring guitar passages and vocal passages' is not a complete sentence. What is consisting of soaring guitar passages and vocal passages? And why should I care that they are so?
Thirdly there are similar issues with the following: 'The rhythm of this is extremely upbeat, and very easy to groove along to it, definitely more palatable than something like Silent Planet would be.' You dont make it clear what youre talking about (the rhythm of what?) and you dont properly connect each thought. 'defintely more palable than something like Silent Planet would be' needs to be connect by a phrase like 'making it', and 'something Silent Planet would be' is simply awkward. It should read like 'making it definitely more palatable than something from the likes of Silent Planet'
'I can really see someone enjoying this band but not anything else in the genre of metalcore, it really is so different from anything else, this band is an anomaly in the grand scheme of things'
This is like 3 related thoughts just strung together without any attempt to properly connect them. Also in my opinion the structure of this sentence works better if we reverse it. If you write something like 'In the grand scheme of things this band is anomaly; Shrezzers sound really different from anyother metalcore outfits out there. As such I can see someone enjoying this band even if they dont particularly enjoy metalcore in general'.
'That's not to say this does not have a metalcore edge rather far from it, the track entitled Anaraak is very reminiscent of bands such as Shokran or Born of Osiris, consisting of pummeling cascading riffs that are sure to impress any metalcore fan'
This is grammatically clumsy and flows rather poorly. It should read something more like this: 'Thats not to say this does not have a metalcore edge: the track Anaraak is very reminiscent of bands such as Shokran and Born of Osiris, consisting of pummeling, cascading riffs that are to sure please any metalcore fans'
Regardless of the grammar the end is hyperbole and should be avoided. I am a metalcore fan and there is a good chance I will not like. There are all sorts of metalcore.
'This track also features a vocal display from the vocalist which is very different from the vocal style seen on the rest of the album, he's really a versatile vocalist'
Again, this reads like connected thoughts just strung together. You shouldnt just tell me hes a versatile vocalist. I should get a sense of that through being provided examples/details of his range.
'The guitar solos are absolutely fantastic, providing incredible articulation and phrasing throughout this record'
'this record' is superfluous.
Very tasteful bends, slides among many other guitar techniques are on full display here'
should be 'tasteful bends and slides among numerous other guitar techniques are on full display here'.
'Very much sounding like Intervals or Plini type of lead playing but in a metalcore setting'
Again, this is not a full sentence.
'I mentioned Intervals twice already and for good reason as Aaron Marshall from Intervals features on one of the tracks on this album entitled Neglect, and to be expected it's a marvelous display'
This could be cut down to remove a lot of filler: I've mentioned Intervals twice already and for good reason as their guitarist and principal member Aaron Marshalls features on the track Neglect with marvellous results'.
'This is one of the most unique albums in the landscape of metalcore in recent times, and while it hasn't been proven to be a big influential player in the genre as a whole, I definitely still think it's a huge record all things considered'
the above is something that needs to be proved through evidence not just stated as hyperbole. Its also something id expect to find as a conclusion.
'Metalcore bands are focusing a lot on more pessimistic, angsty, depressive undertones in the music as of late, and there's not much room for the positive serotonin-driving vibrancy that's brought forth here'
evidence please! even if its just a 'see: example'.
'While there are breakdowns on this album, they are admittedly few and far between which may put some off as well'
this is placed poorly. why are you telling me this here?
'Along with a myriad of guitar soloing on here, one must not forget that saxophone that is laced all throughout this too'
there is an extra 'that' in the above sentence that is not needed.
'Every point that the saxophone shows up feels like the correct moment in the song to include'
reads awkwardly and isnt complete. Compare: 'Importantly, the saxophone only shows up when its most fitting'.
'Sections such as the bridge of Emoji Queen are great for breaking up the pace of things. ' - why, what happens during said bridge? youre stoking my interest then not delivering.
'While catchy and vibrant, there are some rap sections that may deter people too, I enjoy these sections personally. '
doesnt make sense as a sentence. should be 'Furthermore, there are some vibrant and catchy rap sections that I personally enjoy, however I can see them deterring people'
'This album is bringing guitar solos back into the forefront of metalcore. Back when Avenged Sevenfold, Bullet for my Valentine, etc. where big guitar solos were absolutely rampant, now it's a rarity to even hear a single guitar solo in most metalcore albums' - wait werent you talking about solos above earlier? why is this here now?
'I very much hope this album sees more appreciation in the coming years because it very much deserves it' - superflouos
'Bridging the gap between inaccessible music and accessible music effortlessly with catchy and positive songs, it's a wonder they're not more popular.'
this isnt a complete sentence. needs to be 'Shrezzers bridge the gap between the inaccessible and the accessible effortlessly with catchy and positive songs, so its a real wonder why they're not more popular'
Wtf is this album cover lmao
Album Rating: 3.0 | Sound Off
good review mort
So in general your main problem seems to be a complete lack of proofreading. There are multiple typos and incomplete sentences that could have been caught by reading through your writing carefully.
Otherwise you need to work on your structure. Think of your review like an essay (it is one in a lot of ways). It has a general topic (the album) of which you are making claims about (that the solos are good, it stands out from other albums in the genre, its a very upbeat record etc). Provide evidence (examples) for these claims. Find ways to link the claims together.
Furthermore, how does this all coalesce into a finished whole? Whats the general feel for the record, given all the specifics you pick out as relevant or particular to said record. How does it make you feel?
Try to cut out the hyperbole and personal statements that dont really tell me anything (finding the line between this and the emotional aspects of a record can be difficult).
Let me know if you have any questions and im more than happy to proofread future reviews and some past ones if i have the time
Damn mort you nailed it, good stuff
Album Rating: 5.0
is there too many paragraphs now
i will give it another read over and a second round of feedback
'The track Mystery with its soaring guitar and vocal passages is indicative of the positive vibes that define Relationships. '
This is good but you should use a phrase such as 'For example' to start the sentence. It provides the link between the first paragraph and the next.
'The rhythm of this track is extremely upbeat, and very easy to groove along to it, ' - here you either need to drop the 'it' at the end or and an 'its' so that it reads 'and its very easy to groove along to it'
'While very intricate, these riffs never go off the deep end to the point it becomes a masturbatory practice'
this reads very awkwardly but its a good clarification. Also doesnt need the comma as its such a short and to the point sentence. Could be rewritten so its more like 'While very intricate these riffs never go off the deep end to the point of guitar masturbation' (you could also rephrase masturbation as 'self-indulgence')
'His smooth vocal timbre' - whose? just state their name
'This is certainly one of the more technical tracks on the riffing side of things, coming at blistering speeds, it's a vital track packed to the brim with energy.'
this reads very awkwardly and can be reworded
'This is certainly one of the more technical tracks when it comes to the riffing, as its a vital track packed to the brim with energy that comes in at blistering speeds'. - not perfect but better
'Metalcore bands are focusing a lot on more pessimistic, angsty, depressive undertones in the music as of late ' - should be 'in their music'
Striking a balance between a lot of different styles from ERRA (with the metalcore aspects), Intervals (with the guitar virtuoso aspects), and Dance Gavin Dance (with the post-hardcore aspects). Relationships hasn't been proven to be a big influential player in the genre of metalcore as a whole, it definitely deserves more credit than what it currently receives'
this is a good conclusion but it should all be one sentence. you dont need that full stop after the brackets. plus the last bit should just be 'definitely deserving more credit that what it currently receives'.
overall though, this is a massive improvement from the first version. much better to read
honestly didn’t think you’d actually rewrite this but you did, and while I’m no closer to wanting to listen to this i am much closer to feeling like i already have. great work