Review Summary: Bitch, no one cares (ft. irrelevant)
“
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!” - Bill Hicks
Once upon a time during an era when Slap Bracelets, Reebok Pumps, and “Save Ferris” tee shirts were a fad and long before the Nintendo 64 was even a pipe dream, Madonna was hailed as the “
Queen of Pop”. During the mid to late 80‘s, Madonna managed to take the airwaves by storm as well as music videos that shocked the Nation. This was a time when the FCC were strict, harsh and uncompromising. Madonna’s music videos were a great success, which entailed one topic that sells. Sex. Songs such as
Like A Virgin,
Material Girl, and at the end of the decade,
Like A Prayer stirred up controversy which in turn made her an icon still known for her ground breaking style and breakthrough today. Many artists still, today, think of Madonna as the woman who started it all. Madonna was also in the film
Desperately Seeking Susan with co-star Rosanna Arquette. If you’re wondering who that is, she is not Patricia... the funny, smart, talented one. So... what has Madonna been up to lately? Let’s fast forward to 2015, shall we?
Rebel Heart was released and ... no one cared. I will be blunt. This album is the epitome of what not to do as an artist. From beginning to end this entire recording is a train wreck. In fact, I would rather be
in a train wreck than have to listen to one more second of this disaster. Laced with simplistic, suggestive lyrics and many bad ideas, Madonna wanted to show the world she is still a teenager. The most important thing to remember here is she was 57 years old when she recorded this album. I know what you’re thinking. “But Aiwaz, isn’t she too old to be recording songs like this?” You are correct. But wait, there’s more! Not only is her vagina broken, she has the sex appeal of a shark attack. What does that have to do with the album you ask? Everything. But that didn’t stop the
Queen of Pop trying to re-live her 20‘s dream of being a sexual icon. She had something to prove.
One thing that happens to humans when they get old is senility. In Madonna’s case, that and menopause. The main thing that happens to a female when menopause strikes is decreased desire. Now... I’m not, by any means, going to attack Madonna on her age. She has lived a great, exhilarating life and most people would kill to have lived that dream. But this is very important information because it relies heavily on this album’s premise. For instance. If Madonna recorded this album with a concept other than the one embedded within it, I would have no problem with it. This is not something that should be coming out of 57 year old woman. I presume the sequel to Steel Magnolias didn’t fall through? At any rate, what Madonna does with this is unbearable and pointless. It’s dull, lifeless, soulless, shallow and most importantly, heartless. It appears that the writing process didn’t go as planned so Madonna decides to recruit some other popular artists/personalities. The song
I’m Madonna Bitch couldn’t sound right without something. There was something missing from that song that describes Madonna in one word. Something missing that could give it a little bump to make it seem more raunchy. Nicki Minaj. There is no other person in the music industry other than Nicki Minaj quick enough to take a hot, steaming, wet dump on an album, and she did it with pride. As if the song alone wasn’t bad enough, the video shows Madonna’s true self. A slut. The beginning of the video, she has prepubescent children singing out the lyrics “You gotta love this, you can’t touch this, ‘cause I’m a bad bitch”. Way to go, Madonna. That’s a good ingredient to add to your video. Children singing your filth. Then Madonna comes out of nowhere, prancing around singing lyrics which leads the listener to believe she is a promiscuous, old lady that has a hard time walking in high heels. When someone told Madonna “less is more”, she thought they meant clothes and effort. Put your clothes back on and get back in the garden, you’re old.
Rebel Heart is a desperate cry for help by a person who can’t let go of the scene. She tries to fit in with the other talented young pop artists of 2013-2015 but she is forgetting that she is not in her 20‘s anymore. I’m guessing she had a hard time trying to keep up, so what else does she do you ask? She recruits ex-heavy weight boxing Champion and television personality Mike Tyson. Yes, Mike Tyson is on this album. I know, again, some of you are wondering “but Aiwaz, is this a comedy album?”. No. It isn’t. But wait, there’s more! Not only is this far from comedy, the simple act of trying to sell a record by using Mike Tyson in a bland, boring and meaningless song leads me to believe Madonna, is in fact, out of her mind. C’mon Madonna, you have already lived that lifestyle... many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many years ago. If she wanted to record an album, at least have some dignity and do something different. Apparently she still wants to be known, after all these decades, as a promiscuous, shallow, apathetic shell of a human being with no moral or standards.
In closing, I would not recommend this album to anyone with an I.Q. above room temperature. The mixing is poor, the entire production of the record sounds like it was recorded on a mass produced 1980‘s Casio and the album art is try-hard emo old bitch. If you’re going to buy this, take about $10 and wipe your ass with it. You will get more satisfaction, I promise.
