Review Summary: Lou Reed randomly utters three M words he knows
The day I turned 18, I got into my step-father’s Honda Civic and drove through the wintry night to that special little place where Buffalo, NY becomes Ontario in the mighty land of Canadia. I stood there, one foot in Canadia, one foot inside Ol’ Uncle Sam, and drank a cold one. After an hour of a cop and a Mountie playing tug-of-war with me (Not in the fun way, eh), my left foot was deemed a menace to society and sent to an internment camp in the Himalayas. That story would later be adapted to the big screen, whereas Daniel Day Lewis would win an Oscar for playing “My Left Foot” (He’d spent six months jauntily slung over my right leg to prepare for the role of the foot. His stunt-foot would go on to play an arm in 127 Hours). Anyway, the duality I felt that day must be how complicated artists like Lou Reed and James Franco feel hourly. It’s a terrifying thought. And now that thought is available for your listening pleasure. Enter Metal Machine Music! Or don’t, whatever…
Though the name might suggest it, this album is not aimed at either welders or machinists. These songs are long and sexy, like a giraffe. Yet over repeat listens, they reveal themselves for what they are, like a giraffe who’s actually a horse holding a telescope. They’re layered, like M. Night Shamalamadingdong and tiramisu. They harbor and contemplate many emotions and philosophies, like Jean-Paul Sartre or Mel Gibson. And just like that ***ed-up firebug kid in the Breakfast Club, they don’t play by your goddamn rules.
Greg Graffin PhD, who wrote the soundtrack to the Thesaurus (despite popular demand), often refers to Metal Machine Music as the reason he became a guitar-strummer and microphone-yeller. When asked about his overwrought lyrics, Graffin confessed that they are mostly impressive to first-year undergrads who drink white wine at mixers. When pressed for further comment, he tearfully admitted that his band is ***. When asked whether he enjoyed the music of Mozart, he made a farting noise with his mouth and said – Mozart, more like Less-zart. He proceeded to perform a similar pun with Monet, Modigliani and Murakami, cackling wildly throughout. Bad religion indeed.
I first heard Metal Machine Music in my favorite Irish pub, Shaquille O’Neal’s. I’ll never forget that day. It was February 28th, 2013, the day Joseph Ratzinger resigned as the Pope in order to join the Menzingers. He did it for the purpose of a zinger. During their first show, a group of feminists mentioned that Menzinger is a sexist term and should really be Personzinger. It was a sad day for Catholics and no one else.
The sounds of Metal Machine music is the audio-scape of a mortal man becoming an immortal man. It is similar to what happened to Beyoncé after she left her first girl group, the Merry Berries. It’s like that scene in 12 Years a Slave when Brad “Arm” Pitt says – Quaker beards make you not racist, and then all the Boyz II Men go Yay! I could never explain its gravitas with due justice. But I will anyway…
I guess what Lou is trying to say is that we all feel lonely in this age of the faceless Internet circle jerk. Had Gabriel Garcia Marquez written “One Hundred Years of Solitude” today, he probably would have called it “Almost Two Hours of Solitude” instead. So get out there. See the world. Play in traffic. Accept candy from a stranger. Share a needle with a guy. Forgive your parents. And don’t learn to play guitar. Ambient music is easier to make and no one admits it’s all *** anyway. Go for it, dude.
