Review Summary: Oh God.
Van Halen's eight-thousanth album, inappropriately titled Van Halen III, is a horrible album. Really. I'm serious. Pretty much every VH fan hates this album, and people who weren't originally fans of VH hate it even more. Why is it hated so badly? Gary Cherone. I know you're probably asking "WTF? Who's that?" Well, if you haven't heard this album, you may not know. I'm sure you know David Lee Roth. I'm sure you know Sammy Hagar. But you probably don't know this guy, because this guy sucks. You got that? Understood? Good, now time for a little history lesson on VH.
VH HISTORY
Van Halen formed in 1974. In 1978, they released their debut album, the self-titled
Van Halen.
Van Halen II, Women And Children First, Fair Warning, Diver Down, 1984 were released in the following years. But then, vocalist David Lee Roth got out of the band! They replaced him with Sammy Gaybar. Sammy wasn't bad though. But then, after releasing a slew of albums with titles that consist of numbers and letters
5150, OU812 and losing a bunch of fans, Van Halen replaced him. Then comes in Gary Cherone.
END OF THE LITTLE POINTLESS HISTORY LESSON OF VH
Now for the review....
THE REVIEW
Neworld is the first track, and it's an instrumental song that's only about 2 minutes. Thank God it's so short. It's actually funny that this is so bad. Eddie's playing the accoustic guitar, and Mike Post is playing the piano. At least you don't hear Gary's voice. The track is still crap though. It's just so un-VanHalen-ish. Nothing you would expect from this band.
Without You is another turd track. It's a rock tune, but it certainly does not rock. Oh no. Not at all. Not a single bit. Unlike classic VH, this song is quite long for an opener. Yes, I'm calling this an opener. You shouldn't even count the real opener as an actual track. There's some drums at the beginning, followed by guitar, and then it all kicks right in with vocals by Satan himself, the epitome of trash, a man filthier than Balsac The Jaws Of Death of GWAR, the one and only, Gary Cherone. His vocals don't suit the band. They just don't mix in with the instruments being played. Yeah, there's some nice guitar-playing by Eddie, but that's about it for this song. Crap track.
One I Want is a shorter song than the previous, but not by much. It's a half-decent track, but it's nothing too great. It's trash, don't get me wrong, but it's not as sucktastic as Without You, which would fit in on a Limp Bizkit album, as for how suckabulous it is. Anywho, on with this little piece of poo. It's sort of a fast-paced song with some nice work on the guitar, but other than that, everything else is OMG SOOO LAME D00d. Did I mention I don't like Gary Cherone's vocals?
From Afar is, once again, shorter than the previous tune, and that's a good thing. Short tunes are a blessing on this album, and there are two short songs. By short, I mean less than 2 minutes. It's not a very good song. Nothing is. That's established. But what makes this song stand out from the others? Read this excerpt from another review for this album:
"The opening fades in, tricking us with quiet guitar work. And then Eddie bombards the listener with an awesome heavy, doomy, monster riff! This is quite a creepy tune. The lyrics hint of obsessive love or lust--almost as if Cherone is playing the part of a stalker!
Cherone most likely is playing the part of a stalker. a guy stalking a 16 year old girl who takes a shower every night st 8:00 PM. There's a bathroom window near the shower, so it's an invitation for pedophile Peeping Toms like Gary.
Ok, so maybe that's not what this crappy song is about, but it's cool to think that that's what it's about. Regardless, the song is still abysmal. But the "monster riff", as the writer of the above excerpt calls it, is pretty good. I'll admit that.
Dirty Water Dog is the fifth track. This track is also mentioned in the dictionary. Look up "crap", and it has several definitions, but one of the definitions is a list of songs, and this one is mentioned.
The above statement is false.
But seriously, this song sucks hard. The vocals are just horrible, and it....just sucks. Listen, and find out. I don't feel like talking about this song.
Once is where the songs get so long that they're boring. The track I'm talking about right now is 7 minutes and 40 seconds. That's too long for such a lame tune. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. It's immensely boring. No laughs to be had here at how stupid it is. The song tries to be so serious, that it's no fun at all.
Fire In The Hole is shorter than the previous, so that's good. It's just your casual standard hard rock song, except it's not as good. Average riffs mostly, but there are some good riffs here. Not that great, but it's not as bad as the previous turd I spoke of. Now that was a crappy song. Not this though.
Josephina is a standard boring ballad with horrendous vocals and half-decent guitar-playing. It's sort of like an 80's hair metal ballad, but in another way, it's not. An intensely boring song. It may be 5 minutes, but it seems like it's about 20 minutes. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's a boring tune, and it's crap.
Year To The Day is a quiet 8 minute song that drags on forever. It is the worst song on the album. The bridge sucks, which is unusual, because bridges are usually decent. Anywho, listen to the song, and you'll know how much it sucks.
Primary is a short little track that's just an intro
Ballot Or The Bullet, and it's nothing special, but compared to YTTD, it's Stairway To Heaven. BOTB is a very raw and gritty track, and it's a decent song. The worst thing about it is Cherone's voice. It sounds as if he was trying to compete with a dead cat's voice. And the dead cat got mad and decided to choke Gary.
How Many Say I is the final track on this boring, dull, and dragged-out album. It's a ballad with Eddie on vocals, and he can sing better than Gary! They should have just had him sing on the whole album. Okay song.
Well, that's it. That's the atrocious album. It gets a 0.5/5! I'm not being generous today!!!!
