Album Rating: 4.5
I was six years old when 9/11 happened. I don’t remember that day at all. I don’t remember 9/11, but I do remember Disneyquest, which is, like, something else I experienced when I was six years old. And Disneyquest can be said to have shaped a social climate or two itself, eh-kay? And so disneyquest was this like magical five story building shaped like a futuristic dome at Disneyworld that had VR back in the year 1998 and a huge multifloor multipanel screen on which you played some sort of jetski-gun game that could hold like 40 kids each on fake jetskis and all that shit. I so clearly remember the artificial breeze of that luxe jetski racing slash shooter hybrid arcade game on my arms but I do NOT remember when those planes hit the World Trade Center.
In fact…I was AT Disneyquest when the planes hit. They didn’t project the first one, but boy did everyone see that second plane nail the south tower when they put it up on the big multipanel screen meant for the jetski game. Kids shooting their little jetski guns at the planes and shit, pew pew. Everyone except me. I was on the Pirates of the caribbean ride having the time of my life. Like as soon as I got off the ride my parents were barking at me “turn your ass around and ride that shit again—right now”. Rode that thing all day. To be fair I did get a LOT of exposure at a young age to the pirates of the Caribbean lore before it became a major Disney property—but ultimately zero exposure, as a result, to the horrifying events of September 11th.
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Album Rating: 4.0
see johnny there's a certain depth within your own ass where you begin to say that your work as a sound guy in comedy clubs was made possible by your ability to understand "how comedy works within the minds of comedians" that most people would not be willing to climb to, and then to use that to bolster your internet arguments reaches an even further depth that would kill most from lack of oxygen but I kinda respect that you have evolved somehow to survive there
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Album Rating: 4.5
My next joke is a one liner. Don’t you think we should take the slogan “it gets better” away from gay people and give it to straight men in creepy age gap relationships?
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Album Rating: 4.0
lol I like the disneyquest one robert. simply because of how the joke is contrasting your memory of that with your memory of 9/11 even though they're such absurdly different things that it makes no sense to compare
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Album Rating: 4.5
the election for the governor of my home state of Connecticut happened a few months ago. The guy who was running for re-election was named Ned Lamont, and he had a political ad with a statistic in the first five seconds that truly blew my mind. Cuz the ad was like, [hold mic close scary voice] “Ned Lamont over the course of his first tenure as governor of Connecticut turned a 4 billion dollar deficit into a 4 billion dollar SURPLUS”. I was like holy fuckin shit, really?! That’s amazing!! How’d he do that??…this dude, in four years, made EIGHT billion dollars, OVER the threshold of zero, and equidistant on both sides!! I was so excited to finally have a reason to participate in the democratic process. This was the spark I needed…the man left me no choice but to rally the boys, each and every one, To vote for ned. Ned Lamont happens to be a democrat which made this effort way easier on my social standing and I don’t discriminate based on party when I vote I’m a non discriminatory voter I vote for EVERYONE…but the republican guy in this case had one huge knock against him either way, which is that he in theory had NOTHING to do with Ned lamont’s Herculean effort to turn Connecticut’s economy from a flaming shitheap (who knew) into a pile of gold (ALSO who knew!)!
That other dude running against Ned Lamont stood no chance! He stood no chance. Imagine what THAT guy’s political ads must have sounded like! “Sure my opponent may have turned a four billion dollar deficit into a four billion dollar surplus, but he also legalized weed and sports betting” [mayor Quimby voice] I mean it’s like What can you even say? Ned was PRINTING cash at that point. Seriously if any of you are from Connecticut I hope the re-election numbers for Ned Lamont look like those for Vladimir Putin. I really do. Just straight down the line agreement on this guy.
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Album Rating: 4.5
So this is my last joke. everyone here know the food network program chopped? You cook three meals on a strict timer with specific ingredients and then a three person panel of judges says how good it tastes. contestants will often lift their hands up at the end to show they’re not touching the ingredients when the buzzer sounds, like “WOAH look at my hands I am NOT touching those mustard greens.” So my question is, If you started vigorously jerking off with a full minute left and then the timer ran down to a couple seconds and you lifted your hands before the buzzer but came afterward, because you know you can do that, let go and THEN cum…my question is would the judges have to eat it? This is my, this is my last joke. Cuz like in one sense the modification to the food happened after the buzzer. For sure. No doubt. [defensive] but on the other hand I did do the lift [gesture], exactly as everyone else does it, before the buzzer. And if the mechanics are the exact same then doesn’t that kinda mean the judges should eat it? Those are the rules! It’s a question of technicalities. “will the shot count?!?!” [Marv Albert voice] that’s Marv Albert doing chopped. “Ohhhh and he drops the kohlrabi!” Heard that dude is a freak. Yeugh. Alright thank you everyone have a good night
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Album Rating: 4.5
the first two sets I opened with that last joke, the chopped one
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Why did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
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Album Rating: 4.0
'see johnny there's a certain depth within your own ass where you begin to say that your work as a sound guy in comedy clubs was made possible by your ability to understand "how comedy works within the minds of comedians" that most people would not be willing to climb to, and then to use that to bolster your internet arguments reaches an even further depth that would kill most from lack of oxygen but I kinda respect that you have evolved somehow to survive there'
fascinating
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because he forgot to wrap his whopper 👌😂🤙
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"see"
i supervised sound guys + had to watch endless bad comedy, so i'd consider both equally important, but glad to see you've acquired talking pernicious smack about other people's gigs as an extra quality to make you that much more an insufferable lil shitrag (how is that care home treating you these days and how many years has it been now)
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Album Rating: 4.5
the "fake" set got a lot of laughs but between the two real ones the biggest laugh was at the "my next joke is a one liner." after the two really long jokes/the second one about 9/11
still tho it's so fun, doesnt matter if youre shitty youre already better than 95% of anyone who does an open mic
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Album Rating: 4.0
i like colton skated past my dads a teacher dig
cos im pretty sure it was him who tried to pull that once to back up a shoddy understanding of how language works
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Johnny, from your experience in the field of comedy, how does my joke fare?
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probably above board for the kind of clubs you'd envisage sharing it in
"tried to pull that once to back up a shoddy understanding of how language works"
lol i forgot this, wasn't this the same thread where he harped on about comprehension skills for about 10 straight comments before the op waded in and said he'd completely misunderstood his post
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it’s alllll about the delivery
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hope Dairy Queen had a good midwife
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Album Rating: 4.0
robertsona whos your fav stand up?
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“hope Dairy Queen had a good midwife”
👌😂🤙
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Album Rating: 4.5
when I was really young I loved mitch hedberg
and then after that I loved louis c.k. who's obviously a huge influence here (so ready to follow that arc)
recently I liked the shane gillis special and I like this guy ikechuwku ufomadu https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8n7hnNdbhQ
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