The Spice Girls. Almost ten years later, the sheer mention of their name still sends chills down many a young adult’s spine. In the summer of 1996. they brainwashed thousands of kids all over the world with their hit single
Wannabe. Yes, I admit – I was one of those kids. At the tender, susceptible young age of 11, I was actually
yea close to actually buying this record. Looking back now, I’m proud and glad I didn’t.
Lots of other kids I knew did, however. Especially girls. For this was who the album was targeted at – fat 10-year-olds in bright coloured lycra tops who wished they were as pretty as their older sisters so that Tommy Cavanagh of 6th grade would ask them out for ice-cream. In the process, however, the record ended up infecting not only the aforementioned individuals – but everybody else as well. There was virtually no place you could go in 1996 without hearing
Wannabe for the umpteenth time. And then the three next singles followed suit, albeit on a lesser scale.
But who were the Spice Girls after all? They were a group composed of five young singing and dancing female Brits, all with their different «personalities», who preached the message of «girl power». Listening to the lyrics, it would seem «girl power» equals «smut» - for this record should have carried a «parental advisory» sticker in the front cover. Read on for details.
Of course, the whole Spice Girls concept was a hoax. To quote the black chick in
Scary Movie, they were «as fake as pressed-on nails». They didn’t write their own songs, they didn’t play their own instruments and even their attributed personalities were false. Take Mel C, for example – in her latter, much more respectable solo career, her image was closer to that of a sexy pop diva than to the fairly white trash «Sporty Spice». The same goes for Emma Bunton, AKA «Baby Spice», who in her solo videos is all the contrary – a mature, independent woman. And did I mention Ginger’s hair wasn’t actually red?
The public, however, would take a long time to discover all of this – as they usually do – and
Spice would become a runaway success. When heard 10 years later, with the hype all but gone, the album comes across as inconsistent, at best.
Upon listening to the first half of this album – with the famous three singles and a couple of fillers – I was all but ready to thrash it. The rating of 0,5/5 danced around in my mind. Unfortunately, this still isn’t the time when I will have the pleasure of granting that mark to a record. And why? Because the second half of the album surprised me in a gratifying way. In it, the songwriting becomes more varied and less annoying, and there are actually a couple of foot-tapping numbers. The lyrics, however, are dire. How could parents feed this to their 10-year-olds? The album’s lyrics are so heavily laden with smut, I’m surprised they even
let their kids have the album.
Take the omnipresent
Wannabe, for example. The gist of the song is basically «get your act together and treat me right, or there’s no show». Not to mention the famous
zig-a-zig-ha. No one has ever been capable of fathoming what that expression actually
means, but for my money, it’s a synonym for sex. Try replacing it with the word «sex» in the lyrics and see how it all suddenly makes perfect sense. «Musically», of course, this track is built around an infectious keyboard riff, and so profoundly annoying, you’ll want to rip your toenails off just so it will stop. But it’s also really catchy, which makes you hate it even more. All in all, the typical Europop single – so bad, it’s an unprecedented success. (0/5)
Say You Will Be There continues the «demanding b/tch» tendency, and of course, this time, the man does the right thing and walks away. Once again, there’s a profoundly annoying synthesizer riff and the whole «song» is as beyond redemption as it is catchy. It still tops
Wannabe, though. But then again, what doesn’t? (0/5)
Two Become 1 has to be the smuttiest track in the entire record. Starting with the title – this isn’t Dragon Ball Z they’re talking about here, folks. It’s S-E-X. And depicted quite graphically, as well. I bet a couple of 10-year-olds the world over will have learned a thing or two from this one. Musically, it’s a slow ballad where the girl’s voices really shine through, and they’re actually pretty decent. If it weren’t for the lyrics, this would be a great manufactured pop song. As is, it’s still the best one on the first half of the album. (3/5)
Love Thing was among the few non-single tracks on the album, and it’s easy to understand why – it’s pure Eurodance garbage. The pattern for smutty lyrics is starting to become quite disturbing, as here the girls requests that the guy «gives her what she’s needing», because she «keeps on giving, still [he’s] asking for more». Then there’s this section of the lyrics, which basically explains it all:
Quote:
Now don't go wasting my time,
you're not the only thing I've got on my mind,
My friends are with me when you ain't been around
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Meaning: she doesn’t want love, she wants
sex. And the rough kind, baby. Oh puh-leeze! Who are they fooling? (0/5)
Nobody, apparently, because
Last Time Lover begins on the exact same note as the previous song ended:
Quote:
Treat me right, all night,
Makes me feel good, like you should
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Then it keeps getting more and more obvious:
Quote:
We got up and down to it,
like the dirty bass in the music,
I got my major chords strummin',
took some time and then we're really buzzin',
First bite wet my appetite,
second helping's always better,
Started getting burning hot,
I found my pride not easy,
slowed it down I said stop.
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Any questions? Didn’t think so… Musically, this is a piss-poor ballad not worthy of playing as background music in a supermarket. So you know what the grade is going to be… (0/5)
But just as I thought this album was beyond all hope,
Mama starts to play. This was – I think – the last single of the album, and it’s a sappy ballad about mums. But guess what? It’s not remotely as irritating as the previous five songs, and it’s actually a well-built pop tune. Some of the background vocals almost succeed in spoiling it, but it just scrapes through to affirm itself as a good moment on the album. (2,5/5)
After the pleasant surprise that was
Mama, comes one of the two songs on the album that truly rank as winners.
Who Do You Think You Are? is infectious, danceable and actually possesses a certain degree of quality. Of course, it’s Europop, but it’s good Europop that will get you grooving unabashedly to its rhythm. The downside? Stupid rhyming. Coupling «are» with «superstar» is far from being lyrical genius, but this is still a good song nevertheless. (5/5)
Something Kinda Funny brings back the smuttiness, albeit this time set against a more enjoyable dance beat. The first verse is crystal-clear:
Quote:
Wherever you're going, high or low
, Remember to sure enjoy the show,
So climb aboard my journey deep inside,
Better late than dead on time,
Ooh, it's you I know I have got to feed,
Ooh, don't take from me more than you really need,
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But that, fortunately, is the end of the smut, at least for this song. Which makes it another decent enough pop song – by this album’s standards, at any rate… (2/5)
Naked is smut from the title up. This is supposed to be about a girl’s insecurities, but then there are verses like:
Quote:
Undress you with her eyes, uncover the truth from the lies,
Strip you down don't need to care, lights are low exposed and bare
Naked
Nothing but a smile upon her face
Naked
She wants to play seek and hide, no-one to hide behind
|
,
Which make you somewhat suspicious…Musically, it’s another slow ballad, perhaps the slowest on the album, and it conveys a nearly p@rn-movie, seedy-bar, red-light ambiance, which, when coupled with the lyrics, should make this song a definite PG-13. Not as bad as some of what’s before, though. (1/5)
If U Can’t Dance is just what the title implies: a dumb dance track where the vocals are a mere décor and where the most important thing is to shake your money maker. And, just like
Who Do You Think You Are?, it succeeds in making you do just that, making it the other fully winning track on the album and a very nice way to close it .(4,5/5)
There’s one thing I haven’t mentioned in the individual breakdown, because it's a constant throughout the record, and that’s the girl’s awful rapping skills. Every rap section is pathetic, and on
If U Can’t Dance there’s a section sung in Spanish that borders on embarrassing. However, their voices are good, particularly Geri’s and Mel C’s.
So this is it – an album that can be split into two halves. The first one is among the worst euro/dance pop ever produced; it’s the second, with its more elaborate arrangements and songwriting, that ultimately earns this album its one and a half stars. Guess that .5 rating is going to have to wait…
PS: Sorry for the long review, but I hope you enjoyed it.
