JohnnyoftheWell
Hugh G. Puddles
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Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
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[IMPORTANT] Colton unmasked

The details of this post aren't exactly secret, but it might be best to keep them on the downlow for the time being idk
1Gasp
Drome Triler of Puzzle Zoo People

[i] This is an, uh, scoop about the Sputnik user Colton (aka ColeT), early 20s male Canadian, former member of the Bigglestein gang, indie folk/trap fan, and current site whipping boy. I think most people (formerly including myself) thought of him as a decent-ish human with very suspect taste who wouldn't exactly take a joke but rolled with whatever punches were thrown his way decent-ish-ly enough.

Please let me explain why this is not the case and why we should all raise our eyebrows and potentially examine the structure of the site infrastructure. This has been a long time coming in many ways, and it isn't entirely about Colton - but he's a good place to start. Alright, here we go. This might get a little thorny. Tbh the one respect in which it is not thorny is that it takes a while to get to the point (sorry). Ok.
2Sigh
Imaginary Sonicscape

[ii] Useful links:

Colton's Sputnik profile: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/Colton

Map of Canada: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d9/e2/0d/d9e20d1bfe8661f8205066b144744716.jpg

Tom Petty news thread: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/news/14314/Tom-Petty-album-stream/#lastpost

Pizza site: https://www.canadian-pizza.com/

Colton's social security account: https://tinyurl.com/ya7nj9g3
3Gazpacho
Night

[2-1] So, my suspicions around Colton were first aroused when I started looking at the numbers. It always starts with the numbers. Colton's numbers on Sputnik start February 17th, 2020; almost a year ago. So far, so good. Keep that date in mind.
4Orchid
Dance Tonight! Revolution Tomorrow!

[1] Colton was originally known as ColeT and was informally renamed Colton by LordePots at some point during JeffreyBigglestein's meme campaign against music. He later requested an official namechange after Pots and others used this brand until it stuck; this didn't strike me as odd at the time because ColeT was a relatively new user and he hadn't yet forged a brand strong enough that altering/compromising it out of peer pressure was all that unusual. Since becoming Colton he's developed a bit more of an attitude and is less likely to be a pushover about things like this, but this correlates to his increased experience and community integration, both on-site and on satellite Discord servers.

tl;dr ColeT was a nobody who had no presence or site experience outside of JeffBig's shadow, Colton has spent enough time here to settle in.
5The Knife
Deep Cuts

[2-2] Back to the numbers. Colton's start date was all well and good, but he later revealed to me that he had an old account, with which he had uploaded multiple reviews.

You can see this account here: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/list.php?memberid=420238

As you will notice, the account has a 2009 start date and has been dead for over a decade (the date given on the page is inaccurate; the account's last post was made June 9th 2010 on a Tom Petty news thread viewable from [ii]). I did not realise this at the time he shared the link with me, because I was gearing up to play ArsMoriendi at chess on discord and was distracted. Colton was aware of this.
6Gidge
New Light

[iii] Forgot to mention this earlier, but some of this piece's sources rely on posts viewable only on Discord; give me a buzz and I can add you to the Casual Convo server and you can confirm these things simply by searching Colton's handle ('Colton') together with the following tags:

age: '22'
2009 alt: 'https://www.sputnikmusic.com/list.php?memberid=420238'
7Nevermore
The Politics of Ecstasy

[2-3] Anyhow, now is a good time to mention that Colton is 22 (see [iii]), meaning that during the tenure of the MusicReviewer44 account [2-2], he would have been either 10 or 11 years old depending on birthday and how people age etc.

Here is a review from that account: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/30191/Bob-Dylan-Blood-on-the-Tracks/

Was it written by a 10/11 year-old? Hard to say for sure, but it's certainly of similar quality to many reviews submitted by supposed adult users on. The first review published is a track-by-track with a couple of introduction paragraphs; not great, but not nearly as strikingly immature as many such features, especially for a first review.
8Pendulum
Immersion

[4-1] Summary of hypotheses based on [2-1]~[2-3]

A. Colton was 10/11 at the time of this account.
1. He then left the site, went through puberty, and returned as a user for the first time during the 2020 pandemic, or (more likely given the February join date) for unrelated reasons
2. He has since had other accounts on this site, some of which may be known, some or all of which are unknown.

B. The account MusicReviewer44 is Colton's and he is lying to us about his age. No logical explanation for this so far, but certainly within the realm of possibility.
9Ging Nang Boyz
君と僕の第三次世界大戦的恋愛革命

[4-2]

C. The account MusicReviewer44 is not Colton's, despite similarities in ratings, and he is lying about this in order to give the impression of having a longstanding history with this site.
1. The 2009 join date is for maximum longstanding points. He chose this dead account because it is dead and the ratings are similar to his (and a million other users') today.
2. The 2009 join date is irrelevant and a potential oversight. He chose this account for the ratings only.
10The Blood Brothers
This Adultery Is Ripe

[3-1] So far, none of this amounts to much beyond a tentative *woa*, but this part is the
11Stereolab
Fluorescences

[TOILET BREAK]
12Chromatics
Night Drive

[3-2] scoop. So, in mid-December I was in a four-way Zoom meeting with Rowan, Jac and neek tryna iron out some creases over AOTY list dibs. neek wasn't technically part of the meeting, but after I mentioned it in passing to him, he'd asked in advance if he could observe and record it because he had a friend from Buzzfeed writing a piece about the online music community and he wanted some behind-the-scenes insight, so we said yeh why not (this would at one point have been confidential, but now it is not).

For the most part, the meeting went as planned. Rowan talked me down from dibsing Protest the Hero and gave me some pointers on covering Bright Eyes (always learn from the best, guys), and we convinced Jac that whoever covered Ulcerate would be up for the job, maybe. So far, so good.
13Oxbow
Let Me Be A Woman

[3-3] However, at one point (when we were done talking #shop), I made a reference out loud to the specifics of how much rent I pay per month in yen. This is not something I've referenced anywhere else online, certainly not in text. The meeting ends and I think nothing of it.
14Spangle call Lilli line
ISOLATION

[6-1] I don't know if any of you saw Caliggy's weeb erotica fanfic about Colton's fictional fling with Pots (this is not a joke and the screenshots are there - hmu on discord), but the speed with which it was originally taken down made me think. I mean, I reported it directly, but still...
15Retinwaav
Movements

[3-4] A week or so ago, I'm chatting shit drunk on discord as per and Phero or someone complains about how expensive rent in the uk is rn and i'm like yes and whoever-it-was is like wow but you have it p easy and i'm like whut and they're like "well you only pay like [exact specific figure to nearest hundred REDACTED]/month" and i'm like lol yeah but my kitchen is shit and the conversation moves on

shortly after, i realised that this was not gossip i had knowingly circulated within this server or indeed at all, outside of that meeting. neither rowan nor neek are or were in the server, and a quick search confirmed Jac had never alluded to it in any way since that meeting. out of curiosity, I search the same figure to see if it came up anywhere and i get two hits: one in the conversation already referenced, and one from colton in a series of posts detailing other random and sure partially fictional minutiae about server members'
16This Heat
Made Available: John Peel Sessions

[3-5] lives, including star signs, burger preferences and recent porn search history. you cannot see this message anymore because i was still drunk and deleted it by mistake.
17Gazelle Twin
The Entire City

[4-3]
D. Colton is neekfat

E. Colton is working for Buzzfeed and is also undercover as Colton

F. Colton is not working for Buzzfeed and stooged neek into thinking he was, presumably under his real name or a pseudonym, neither of which are Colton.
18Tera Melos
Drugs to the Dear Youth

[5-1] Time to go to the big guns. I ask/beg Sowing for Colton's IP history, and also MusicReviewer44's IP history because we're not fucking around here. Sowing says yes but I'll owe him a favour, so I preemptively wipe my Phoebe Bridgers and LDR ratings (still not sure what the favour is though, yikes).

The search result comes back. Colton has IPs registered all over Canada (see [ii]). someone has deleted MusicReviewer44's IP history from the database. Sowing is perplexed but he doesn't know the full goss yet. This is getting deep.
19Toby Driver
Ichneumonidae

[4-4]
G. Colton's IP is Canadian.
1. He lives in Canada and has been all over Canada
2. He does not live in Canada but has been posing as Canadian with a Canadian VPN that switches IPs between sources in Canada, possibly outside of his knowledge.
2a. Same as 2, but he does actually live in Canada.
20Low
Long Division

[7-1] Do you ever wake up and feel like you've misunderestimated how precarious the flow of internet things can be? I've been hanging around sput long enough to feel like I have a good read on most people, but how much is that really based on? half the users here could be clones cosplaying as each other and i'd never realistically know. last night I had a dream/nightmare where Jom doubled the mod team overnight to include random off-site people called Cop and C[op]per, and there was an end of year drinks party (on the internet) and none of the staff were invited and suddenly the whole site swung around a cabal faceless mods who no-one knew anything about. for clarity, i don't think the sput is like that at all at the top level - but i do think the same is bizarrely kinda true if you invert it and apply it to the proletarian mode of userdom here. i guess Colton fits into this quite nicely.
21Statuette
Losing Roots

[3-6] so there's a punk show in Yokohama a couple of weeks ago; i hit it up with people I trust, and we're a few drinks down, covered in sweat and on the train home, and the announcement is coming in that some of the bullet trains are being cancelled because of Covid (this happened last time there was a state of emergency), and then Rowan turns to me before it's done playing and asks me how much I pay for rent as though it's the most natural thing ever, and I look in his eyes and read his energy and it's a genuine question and he really doesn't know the answer, and my subconscious does a backflip. i pretend to have a coughing fit so that it doesn't look like I'm crying, and then everyone in the carriage turns to look at me and I remember that Covid is a thing and that we are all wearing masks, and then I realise that everyone is Japanese and that Rowan and I are the only people in the carriage who could pass as Canadian. what the fuck.

[3-7] a letter arrived in my mail box 5 days ago informing me that my rent has gone up by 3千 yen. there is no sender address, not even a company name. i call my housing company to ask what's up, and they say it's fake. the lady on the other side of the phone sounds kinda like this dude i knew from alberta (v unusual - mainly japanese staff); i ask her where she's from. she says "nowhere" and hangs up before the final "eh" has passed through the phone.

[3-8] rowan stopped messaging me

[3-9] Yesterday I point-blank asked Colton if he'd ever had any interaction with me outside of sput and he froze me out and said orchid had eaten my brains. the conversation dies. i check my discord friends out of paranoia and he's unfriended me. i get a text from an unknown number saying "3千" followed by my current monthly payrate

[3-10] my internet provider no longer lets me view Buzzfeed. no amount of VPNs have changed this. i opened it at work, but didn't have time to read because i had to mark a load of mock exam papers
22Boris
Smile

[7-2//4-5]

Pizzaisalreadysweet.Tomatosauceandpizzadoughbothhavelotsofsugarinthem.That'swhysa
ltycheeseandsaltedmeatsgosowellonpizza;theycreateaculinarycounterpoint.Pineappleisth
eantithesisofwhatyouwanttoaddtoanalreadysweetdish:Itisevensweeter!
Furthermore,thegeneralpropertiesofpineapplethatmakeitaninterestingfood,namel
ythatitisbothsweetandsourandthatitiscrunchy,bothdisappearwhenpineappleiscooked-i
tbecomessoftinsteadofcrunchyandthesourflavorbreaksdownmakingitcloyinglysweet.
Theresultisaboringmessofone-noteflavorandsoggymouthfeel.
Canthisbedonewell?Sure.Perhapsyouflash-searorgrillthepineappleoveranopenflamesothatitc
rustsoveralittleandremainsrawontheinside,generatingasmokierandc
runchyfinishwhilemaintainingsomeoftheinherentsourflavor.That's
moretimeconsumingthough,anditwouldhavetobeaddedtothepizzaa
fterthepizzawasalreadycooked.Furthermore,itwouldonlyworkwithlargerchunksofp
ineapple,andthosewouldeffectivelycreatelittle"juicebombs"onyourpizzaofhotpineapple
juice,whichisprobablynotideal.Addingcanadianbaconisagreatidea,sincethat'sanicesalt
edmeat,butguesswhat-thecounterpointofflavorwouldbemorepronouncedifyouremoved
thepineapplealtogether,thusallowingthesweettomatoandsaltymeattoplayoffo
foneanotheronamoreevenplayingfield,ratherthangivingthesweetsidealopsizedandove
rpoweringpineappleassault.So,toanyonewhothinkspineapplestillbelongsonpizza:
Doesitfuck.
Pineappleisdeliciousandrefreshinglysweetasaseparateentitybutwhenaddedtopi
zzabyanyonewhoseskillisbeneaththesupremeLordandGordChefRamseymakesatradi
tionalsaltycrisppizzaturntosoggyassputridsourdogshit. There'snodiscussionhere.
I’mturning40-years-oldthisyear.

AndI’mhavingababyliterallyanydaynow.
AmIgettingold?AmIjuststressed-out?OrhaveIalwaysbeenascynicalasIfindmyselftobetoday?
MaybeI’minaperiodofself-reflectionrightnow,butIhonestlydon’tknowifI’marational,logical,ho
nestindividual,orifI’mbitterandpessimistic.Theexaminationoftoday’stopicisaprimeexample.
Underthe“OntarioHousingSupplyActionPlan,”theOntariogovernmentreleasedaguidetoCo-
Owningahome,andIthinkit’sthemostinsaneideaeverhatchedbythisgovernment.Andthere’sal
onglistfromwhichtochoose…Callmeacynic,orcallmeanold-man,orevencallmeapessimist,butI
’msorry;theideaoffive20-somethingspoolingtheirmoneytobuyahouseandliveproblem-freeis
apipe-dream,andonethatIwouldexpectfromapolitician.Ordinarily,Imightnotcare,exc
eptinthiscase,Ifeelasthoughthetaxpayerswillbepickingupthetabwhenallthesearran
gementsfallintodisarray.WhenIwasatMcMasterUniversityfrom1998to2002,Ilivedalone.
Eveninfirstyear,whenlivinginadormwasapparentlythebestwaytomakefriends,meetgirls,
partylikearockstar,andlivethecampuslifestyle,Istillshunnedtheideaofsleepingina10x12
cellwithapersonI’dnevermetbefore.Theninyears2through4,Icontinuedtoliveina1-
bedroomapartmentoffcampus,andwatchallofmyfriendscomplainincessantlyabout
theirroommates.Mybrotherandhis“bestfriend”roomedtogetherinfirst-yearuniversity,
andupontheconclusionofthatlastsemester,theyneverspokeagain.Twoofmybestbuddies
livedtogetherinfourthyear,andthingsgotsobadthatoneofthemmovedoutbeforetheyear
wasevenover.Itaffectedtheirrelationshipforyearstocome.Wewereallyoung,however.
Andmaturitycomeswithage.Buttwonightsago,whenaclienttoldmethatthreeofhis
25-year-oldfriendswerepoolingtheirmoneytobuyahousetogether,
Ijustshookmyhead.“IgotasfarawayfromthatideaasIcould,”myclienttoldme.

Gooddecision.

MaybeIwastheloserwholivedaloneatuniversity,andmaybeI’mthe39-year-oldgoi
ngon79-years-oldaswespeak,butIcan’thelpbutthinkthat“co-buying”isagreatide
aintheory,butamiserableoneinpractice.Unlessthegovernmentbelievesthatthele
galprofessiondesperatelyneedshelp,andisattemptingtocreatemorework
intheareasofcontractandpartnershipagreements,disputeresolution,mediation,
arbitration,andlitigation,thenIhavenoideawhythegovernmentputoutthisridiculousguide.

I looked into it seriously while dating a Canadian, and man was it way more complicated to become a Canadian resident and be able to work... the whole process would have taken well over three years after marriage! But you can apply after the process has started to get a temporary work visa in the meantime but man is it a pain in the ass.
Travel to the Vancouver area. Mountains galore. Whistler is a great place to ski in the winter seasons and there are hiking trails across British Colombia in the summer. Northern Ontario also has some great camping spots but I prefer BC. Don't go to the prairies unless you like boring yourself to death. Here is a map of all the hiking trails in BC.
Newfoundland is only a 5 hour flight from London. Check out East Coast trail and gros mourne national park. Visit in August for your best chance at nice weather.
Well this relieves me a bit - I'm on AISH and my gf also has disorders so I was worried that would put us in an absolute no zone, but it looks like disability benefits are the one thing that doesn't block sponsorship. Still have issues everywhere else mind, but it's at least not a complete "Nope" with her coming here
Version history
We follow Semantic Versions since the 0.1.0 release.

0.3.0
Features
python3.9 support
Misc
Moves to Github Actions
Poetry version update
0.2.1
Bugfixes
Fixes incorrect detection inside the """
0.2.0
Features
Adds python3.8 support
Bugfixes
Fixes a bunch of false positives
0.1.1
Bugfixes
Fixes typos
Updates project structure
0.1.0
Initial release
"The biggest Canadian based clan"

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[anada - JOIN CLAN CANADIANS AS GUEST FOR ANY QUESTIONS!

Join Clan Canadians! - Biggest and most ACTIVE Clan for CANADIANS ! ~ PVM/CHAT - PVMING - SOCIAL - 24/7 -

Vex/Clan Colours: Red & White
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BRITISH COLUMBIA - ALBERTA - SASKATCHEWAN - MANITOBA - ONTARIO - QUEBEC - NEWFOUNDLAND + LABRADOR - PEI - NOVA SCOTIA - NEW BRUNSWICK - NUNAVUT - NWT - YUKON TERRITORY
23An Isle Ate Her
Phrenia

[5-2] i try explaining some or all of this in Sowing's shoutbox, but the messages won't send. they won't even leave my fingers. please come back to sputnik, neek.
24Steven Wilson
The Future Bites

[8-1] last night, an incident occurred. it was late at night and i heard a sound (it woke me up), so i turned on my bedside light and went to check it out. it was a cockroach scrabbling against the underside of my TV, where it had somehow trapped itself (something i've never seen a cockroach do before). i killed it with an empty wine bottle, cleaned up the mess, and went back to bed. soon after, i wake up again. i don't know how much later it was, but i heard the same sound. i check it out, and there is another cockroach in exactly the same place
25Tujiko Noriko
Blurred In My Mirror

[8-2] i kill it again without thinking with the same wine bottle, majorly freaked out that something like this could happen again the same way so soon. i look at the underside of the wine bottle and consciously note that the gore from the first cockroach is still there, along with whatever remained of the second
26Thee Michelle Gun Elephant
Rodeo Tandem Beat Specter

[8-3] i wake up again in exactly the same fashion and reach instinctively for the wine bottle, which i have been keeping by my pillow. i am clumsy and overzealous, flailing to pick it up and skimming it off the wall. it shatters. the sound is huge and awful. i flinch, immediately visualising the shards of glass piercing my skin, but one heartbeat later and it's over. something has shifted in the air. i wait for the adrenaline to seep away, and something feels strange
27Yeule
Serotonin II

[8-4] i'm about to turn on the light (it's been total darkness so far), when i realise the sound has stopped. either the cockroach, or whatever it was, has escaped, or it was never really there. maybe there is an infestation in my tv (unlikely). i hit the light - all is as should be, aside from the broken bottle lying over my duvet. i am unharmed. the glass has shattered into miraculously large shards, no more than 10 or so; i put them in the bin, and as i do so, a great weight lifts.
28Laika
Sounds of the Satellites

[8-5] i flip my laptop open and message someone on discord. Colton has left the server. I open Buzzfeed; it loads. There is an article there. It is from 2017. Why is it on the front page?

Article: https://www.buzzfeed.com/laurenstrapagiel/pineapple-on-pizza-is-bad-dont-at-me
29After Dinner
Paradise of Replica

[9-1] Something else is going to drop there soon, I think. I'm not worried. We are over the worst.
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