Review Summary: Written in May 2014, days before this album came out, when I was younger and stupider, but just as sad.
Please help me.
Things are good. I like things.
It can’t go on like this.
You know what, I’m alive, I have a job and I have a family who loves me; what else do you need? I’m a lot closer to getting my licence too. That’s very nice and good for my future. I approve of that.
There is no god.
Hey, you know what else is nice? Music. I really, really enjoy the sound of music. Not like, The Sound of Music but... you know what I’m saying. Like Godspeed You! Black Emperor and sh
it. It helps me, calms me when I’m feeling anxious. It subsides the pain. I’m listening to music right now and it is good.
Everything is fucking worthless.
Soon, I’m going to be moving to another country! That’s exciting, isn’t it? The idea brings me joy. I like that feeling, joy. It feels nice. Anyway, I like the idea of being somewhere foreign. It’s like living a completely different life. Perhaps even as close as I could get to living another existence entirely. I mean sure, there are still people but in this case I’m going to be mostly unable to communicate with them beyond basic words and phrases. “Hey man, please pass me the bread.” Stuff like that. “Hey bro, do you know what a toupee is?” You know. Things.
I’m on death row and I don’t know what I need to do to get into heaven.
Sometimes I feel a little weird. I don’t like to do things, especially things that involve f
ucking disgusting, ugly, smelly, dirty people. Drinking beer is usually fun, but sometimes it gets a bit dark inside my head and then I don’t have fun anymore. Then I feel sad. That’s why I like to escape.
I want to be happy but I don’t know how.
There’s a big difference between instant gratification and long-term happiness. Sometimes I get to a crossroads. These are small decisions. Like tonight. I have to choose: stay at home and watch series or go out with friends. I know that many years from now, the chances of me looking back and remembering my wonderful night lying in bed and watching
Supernatural are slim, whereas looking back on a night out with my mates sounds significantly more appealing in the long run. I know which one I want to choose, but I sometimes force myself to choose the other. It’s weird because I could be happy for a few hours right now, but instead I’ll put myself through misery and excuses until I eventually choose the option that I’ll remember somewhere down the line. These are strange thoughts that I have.
Why am I here? Every philosophy has its merits and accepting that I just don’t know leaves me... well, not knowing.
Today my life is pleasant. I have had a very pleasant day. I have done things. I woke up. I went to gym and trained hard so that I can be healthy and get big muscles and sh
it. I read a book on the English language. That made me feel good. I am preparing myself for the difficulties that lie ahead so they won’t be so difficult when I get to them. That’s positive. And now I get to choose between two activities that will bring me joy at some stage. Yay!
All of this amounts to nothing. I owe the world my life because the world gave me life. And that is why I pay for it in death...
...but what does the world want from my life? Does it want someone who is going to live it to the fullest, selfishly embracing every opportunity that comes my way and acting out on my most primal instincts in order to gain instantaneous pleasure? Or does it want me to live it for other people, thereby sacrificing a lot of pleasure throughout my years but gaining a sense of fulfilment in death? Does it want me to be driven towards a career, ready to work the cogs of the human race, or does it want me to say f
uck all of that, pack a bag and explore what the natural world has to offer?
I wish I knew. I wish I knew my purpose. But I don’t. And I don’t think I ever will. When my time is up, I will wonder whether I made the right choices. I will cry, I will wish for another chance. And then I will be gone and it will be too late. I will have lived in regret and I will weep for it.
I guess the best I can do is just pray. And if all I hear is silence, I’ll just have to create my own path. Where there are trees, I’ll cut those f
uckers down. I’ll strut, machete in hand, taking down every poison ivy and thorn bush that comes at me. I’ll arrive at an open field waiting for a new paradise. And I will build that paradise. I will build it and I will live it.
There is no heaven. I am my own god now.
