Court Room Scene
JUDGE: We are hear in court today to talk about Metallica's
Ride The Lightning. This album came out in 1984 and it's a very influential metal album. The prosecutor has to prove it's not. Let's see if they can do it. All parties rise.
LAWYER 1: Thank you, your honor. My first piece of evidence is the album is totally for dads. It's old, and probably pretty racist. James Hetfield goes hunting, that is problematic, your honor. Also, there's no screams on this. No gutturals. They're just singing, and that's for boomers. Kirk uses a wah-wah pedal and it's like some dad rock crap. My client and I prefer new cavernous death metal and lots of vegan punk bands, bands that play real music for the young people of today who face problems in this world of capitalism and unfairness.
LAWYER 2: Your honor, with all due respect, Lawyer 1 is full of crap.
Ride the Lightning is one of the greatest thrash albums ever. Not only that, but it's a landmark for metal period. The title track is very intense, very heavy and has great riffs. James sings like a real singer and you can really feel his emotion and passion. It brings to mind a corpse on the electric chair, fried like some KFC. They say people crap themselves when they die and often start farting, well that's what I do when I hear this awesome song.
JUDGE: The evidence is noted. Lawyer 1, what is your rebuke?
LAWYER 1: That's not fair, your honor. This album is totally boring, where's the breakdowns? The slams? You got some boomer singing about being frozen in ice, that's not real or emotional.
LAWYER 2: Objection, your honor. "Trapped Under Ice" is an absolute beast of a track, a thrashterpiece if there ever was one. And if my colleague wants sensitivity and emotion, there's the heartfelt lyrics of "Fade to Black," a groundbreaking ballad. What more could a metal fan want?
JUDGE: Alright, I've heard about as much as I need to. We're just going to skip the jury crap, it's quite obvious that Metallica's 1984 album
Ride The Lightning is an absolute beast. If I can add to the testimony, I'd like to say the riffs are fire. The drums may not be super complex but they are brutal and awesome. This album simply rocks, and I sentence Lawyer 1 to a metal re-education course where he will learn that old metal rules, if he has the brain capacity, that is. This court is done, and I am banging my gavel. Order!
