Review Summary: The State wins. Flawless (!?) Victory.
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... sometime back in 2010,
at the desk of the cigar smoke-filled interior of something supposed to pass for an "office" ...
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"... uh, yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that we won't be able to reserve a table at that fancy restaurant you have in mind..."
...chatter on the other end of the line...
"Nonononono, we so much DO agree that someone as limitlessly talented and precious as you fully deserves the signing to happen precisely at such a location, but, you see, everything's just FULL and our hands are tied...
Of course, you can always find someone else to sign you..."
...chatter on the other end of the line...
"Very well then. The local McDonalds it shall be. I'm glad we could arrive at such a mutually beneficial agreement!"
...disturbed chatter on the other end of the line...
"...uuuhhh yeah, sure, whatever... by--"
...irate chatter on the other end of the line...
"
OH SНIT, I THINK I'M ABOUT TO GET MUGGED !!!
Listen, be at that Subway at the agreed upon time and we
might send someone to sign you there, OK?
I gotta go now, they're coming at me... Byeeee !!!"
*CLICK*
"Aaaaahhhh this again...
...
I swear to fuсking god... If just one more...
...if
JUST. ONE. FUСKING. MORE. worthless, talentless pathetic excuse for "an artist" tries to come up to Us with such a piece of shiт offering that dares call itself "an album"...
Ah... I just might as well get out of here... Retire and give up this job to
them... See how
they like it...
Let them sort it out amongst themselves if they think they're so good and talented and special...
...aaaah, God damn it...
...
Alright, I think that's enough idiots for today. Let's call it a day...
Ms. [redacted], get my coat and the car keys and let's get out of here. The hour is not yet too late to devote a bit of time to some of the finer things in life.
And for us two, my dear, there will always be a fancy restaurant open somewhere, even at this hour..."
-- But, Mr. [redacted] !!!! What about that Lizzy Grant girl who recently got in touch with Us ???
You mentioned to me yesterday to remind you about her.
You did express at least a slight interest and said you'd figure out something...
"...wha... who? ...
OH YEAAAH, Liddy Grant... a.k.a. Lana del Ray, is that right ?
Yeah, she looked pretty good on that picture, so there might be a chance of something there.
Be so nice to lay it on me again, Ms. [redacted], will ya?"
-- Elizabeth Woolridge Grant. From the Northeast. Daddy pays for most everything. Hopes to come in big and strong.
Gets around. --
-- She already has a bunch of her songs and videos up on YouTube, allegedly all self-written and self-produced.
"Reaaaaallly?? ...
...Well in that case that's gonna save at least
some effort and money on our part then...
...
Alright, let me check out some of these songs and videos quickly..."
[...a few moments later...]
"OK, this is some fresh stuff. We can spare a few towards that product.
Definitely
do dial up a few of our associates to get them ready to start doing the necessary minor adjustments, extra production, photo sessions and everything...
Also a few stylists won't hurt."
-- Right away, Mr. [redacted].
[...some more moments later...]
"These lyrics...
...
You know... she's actually much sharper than she makes an effort to appear.
She can play the part well. She can play
the game well...
...
Good. Gooooood...
...
This is something we can use for more than just 2 to 3 years. This is something that we can make BIG, that we
should make BIG and exploit for a significanty longer period...
...
You know what, show me that picture again..."
-- ...
"Excellent. Bring her in so I can see her.
Privately. And it's a done deal."
-- But, Mr. [redacted], my...
"Your position will remain as secure as it has been for the past 20 years, Ms.
[redacted], Lizzy will not change that."
-- Mr. [redacted], please...
"THAT'S ENOUGH, MS [REDACTED]."
-- Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir... Thank you, Sir.
"I'm glad we agree.
...
Now, as I was saying, the lyrics... You know, we can keep them just the way, plus she'll keep credit for them and everything; That's not my issue...
My issue is that... You see, the kids towards whom this product will be marketed will eat it right up. That's all good and well for Us...
...
but...
...given this current age where everyone and their mother is on youtube, facebook, twitter and all that jazz...
...and where Lana can be bought or accessed by anyone anywhere in an instant, instead of being a luxury goods reserved for a handful of people who are
in tune, like Us.... it's
TOO good."
-- What do you have in mind, Sir?
"The majority of the target audience doesn't yet understand the significance of Darth Vader liking black leather so much, and what the song "Jingle Bells" is
really all about... if you know what I mean...
...therefore it's only a matter of time until disgruntled widows start coming after Us, angry that their ex-spouses died in a car crash while getting road head from some young girl who was taking Lana's lyrics a bit too literally...
Said widows will blame Lizzy, they'll blame Us, they'll blame their husbands, they'll blame "the music", they'll blame Lana, they'll blame the young girls, they'll blame Us -- basically they'll blame
everyone but themselves.
But mostly they'll blame Lana and Us. And
THAT is something we need to prepare for."
-- What would you suggest, Sir?
"Make your inspection of the litter and harvest some disposable body doubles. I'd say for this act we'll need at least 65% resemblance and upwards.
Then I'll mandate it to Mr.
[redacted] to figure out and assign the rotation timetables and the stand-in locations. The who/when/where, basically.
I'll trust him to assess the risks well, so that Lana is kept alive and profitable at all times, while we are kept high and dry.
That's good enough for a start..."
-- For how long, Sir?
"For as long as she can tough it out and/or is profitable. This line of business, and
especially the image that Lana's branding... I'd say about a decade?
With our continuous propping up of her image through our media partners, and substance support to her character through our pharma teams along the way, a decade sounds manageable.
Quantitatively, it's important that we get these media mentions in magazines and on the internet, that we get these high charting positions and respective awards' nominations, and that we eventually get these stars on Hollywood Boulevard.
That's what matters.
THEN we can call this entire endeavour a success."
-- But what if something goes wrong along the way, Milord?
"If one of them angry widows or a fanaticized admirer eventually do succeed in getting their hands on real Lana, we do a flash-training on one of the doubles, sprinkle her up a bit with the appropriate adjustments, and the show goes on, until that decade-long goal we've set is fulfilled."
-- And if real Lana does make it to the end, Milord? If she does manage to tough it out?
"Well there's always some forgotten land plot someplace upstate that awaits to be brought into exploitation.
At such a stage, Lana and her entourage will accept it without complaints or protests. They will even find it quite fitting, I think --
-- with security personnel provided and maintained for the future ahead it will be practically the same as in the early days, except without the fame, glitter, glamour and the constant touring and media appearances.
Oh, and, of course, full pardons for everyone involved along the way, under the correct terms and conditions."
-- And eventually... what?, Milord?
"Well, Ms. [redacted], eventually someone newer and younger will come along.
All is according to plan. All is as it should be."
-- Of course, Master. How brilliant you are, Master.
"I am, ain't I?
...
You know what, Ms.
[redacted]... ?
I'll just tell my wife that I got held up in the office by negotiations for something to the order of hundreds of millions. She'll understand.
Meanwhile, if you will be kind enough to do get them coat and car keys, then it's not only the fancy restaurant that's waiting for us two, but also my brand new estate residence that was just furnished last week."
-- Right away, Master. Right away.
"Oh, and one more thing, Ms.
[redacted]. Change the 'Ray' to 'Rey'."
-- Master?
"A to E."
-- Excuse me, Sir, I...
"YOU DUMB BROAD, CHANGE THE A IN 'RAY' TO AN E. MAKE IT 'REY'.
So that it sounds more...
Regal.
You people just never fuсking learn, do you? Fuuuuuсk... Now I'm so starved, I'll have to spend even more on that restaurant..."
