Review Summary: I truly believe that Dark Horse is just one elaborate and very expensive shitpost.
Nickelback. What could be said about Nickelback. There is an endless supply scathing relentless jokes at their expense. But is that it all really deserved⁇ Probably. The answer is probably, but after listening to the album “Dark Horse” I’m not so sure. At this point in time I’m firmly convinced that we have all been viewing the band through the wrong lense. Nickelback is a joke. They are a literal joke. More like Steel Panther, or the Tenacious D, and less like Three Days Grace, and Theory of a Deadman. For this review I’ll go over a few tracks off the album than summarize the album as a whole.
Lets begin with the very first track of the album. “Something in your Mouth” (The name certainly does speak for itself doesn't it?) The song is about- welp, you guessed it! Oral Sex, or rather the lack thereof, because there isn't any going, but it's clear that this is Chad's end goal, when singing about the subject of the song, who happens to be some extremely attractive girl, that he wants his dick sucked by. If we take a dive into this artistic, meaningful, passionate song, we see some real fucking gems. With wonderful lyrics such as “Your so much cooler when you never pull it out”, “Dirty little lady with the pretty pink thong, Every sugar daddy hitting on her all night long” and how could we forget, “Crafty little lip tricks, Tattoos on her left hip, she bending as your spending?” No sane person could look at lyrics like this, (I mean REALLY look at them) and think: “Yeah. This is an ok thing to use in the FIRST TRACK OF THE ALBUM” So right away we have lyrics so hilariously stupid that the only logical assumption is that Chad Kroeger and co. have some sort of mental handicap, or they’re just doing it for shits and giggles. However I will say (and this holds true to most songs) Every single part of this song blends together perfectly, to create one of the best songs (on a purely musical level) that I’ve ever heard. The lyrics are shit and they always will be but everything else about this song is absolutely perfect. The verses are excellent, with two dueling guitar riffs, over a bouncy drum beat that is almost guaranteed to get people excited for whatever mundane event that Nickelback would be paired with. The chorus is loud, and exciting with the same simplistic, loud, and reverb heavy drum beat with a pretty generic albeit effective chord progression over top of it. As a fan of high quality music, I don't think I could have been more aroused by the pure, unadulterated quality of this song's instrumentals and vocal performances. And as the icing on the cake, on the second to last chorus, when Chad Kroeger wails out at the top of his lungs, "You shake that ass around for everyone" and holds on to that scream for a really long time, while hitting a note that I can only hope to achieve, It's practically orgasmic, provided you're a fan of his style of singing, which I wholeheartedly am, and I'm willing to admit that. And these things, coupled with wailing, almost siren like guitar in the background, creates a song that is very lively, and has a lot of depth. It’s a perfect blend of simplistic radio rock, and more complicated, musically diverse alternative metal.
When we move on to the next track, “Burn it to the Ground” this album’s true agenda become even more telling. This is your run-of-the-mill “LETS PARTY AND HAVE SEX! WHO GIVES A ****, WE’RE WASTED AS ****!” kind of song. Again, not dissimilar to Steel Panther’s “Party all Day”, or, “Party like Tomorrow's the End of the World”. It’s a stupid silly party anthem with lyrics, just serious enough that some would assume that they wrote this unironically. But with lyrics like “I've got a fist full of whiskey, the bottle just bit me” and “I got a fist full of fifties, tequila just hit me” It’s hard to imagine that someone could hear those and take them seriously. But musically it’s a great riff driven hard rock song that sounds good when you don’t listen to closely.
“Gotta Be Somebody” is the most uninspired generic and downright unpleasant song on the album. And “I’d Come for you” is also extremely similar, (Both songs about finding true love/loving someone and being good to them.) but these two songs do serve a purpose. They add to the overall level of irony that this LP contains, by starkly contrasting all of the other songs, which by comparison are about having sex with various different females, and basically Tiger Woodsing the hell out of whoever Chad wrote these two songs about. Musically these two are underwhelming at best. Although, one lesson can be learned from these two songs: when Mr. Kroeger tries to sound sincere, it comes off as hilariously insincere, despite the perfectly solid performance. If these lyrics were written without a trace of irony, I genuinely believe that I'm a better lyricist than this guy, and I don't even think I'm good.
“Next Go Round” Rips your pants off, Bends you over, Thrusts you right back into the action. Not only is this song about sex, (I’m starting to notice a trend here) but it’s about having sex all night long. The lyrics of this song are so obviously a joke that to look at them and think that they aren’t is frankly, close minded, ignorant and stupid. Reading into them reveals and absolute gold mine of hilarity. While every line is wonderful, some of the highlights include: “I want to go so long your parents think you died, They’re going to call the cops the CIA and then the FBI”, and ”Slap John Deere across my ass and ride me up and down the lawn. (Which I would like to ad is one of my favorite song lyrics of all time, due to its sheer stupidity.) That lyrics if then followed up by a pretty great, Black Stone Cherryesque Guitar Riff, than that sweet sweet chorus, which is just pure gold. And yes, I'm aware that Nickelback had been around for years before BSC came onto the scene, but Nickelback wasn't soloing in this way until around Black Stone Cherry's debut album. Overall, this song doesn't have the sheer quality of songs like "Burn It To The Ground" or "Some Thing In Your Mouth" but the impeccable production, and the heavy, pounding drum beat serve to still make this an enjoyable listen.
“Just to get high” is a bad song no matter how you view it. Its best skipped, but I needed to bring it up while talking about a later song. The song is about Chad being sad about a friend that did some drugs. It would have a solid message if it wasn't so blatant, on the nose, and a song on "Dark Horse." Instrumentals however, are nothing to scoff at, with it being one of the most simple songs on the album. However there is a perfectly decent guitar solo, and the song is well sung.
“Never gonna Be Alone” is another crappy (albeit well played) acoustic power ballad, about how he is never going to leave his loved one alone. Which despite the good intentions, it sounds like it would be difficult given the fact that he intends to have sex with someone else for as long as humanly possible. (Refer to Track 5. Next go Round) The song is borderline country, and that does not bode well for our titular protagonists, Nickelback. They have managed to pull of country in the past however. As much as I genuinely despise the genre, I'll admit that, "Rockstar" is a bit of a guilty pleasure. That song has throughly instrumentals, and the biting sarcasm makes it much more enjoyable, than this below average slog of a song.
“Shakin’ Hands” is a track about a Gold Diggin Whore. A whore that Mr. Kroeger most likely had sex with on more than one occasion, considering his wonderful description. This song misses the mark lyrically. This one just isn’t very funny. It just doesn’t go far enough given the general maturity of the rest of the album (which for anyone wondering would be very mature [Sexually] or the maturity level of a 7th grader [Mentally]) It plays it too safe. If you played this song for someone they would most likely be disappointed in both you and Chad, because this one sounds like they really did take this one seriously. Which in all honesty, might make it rather humorous. One of the highlights lyrically would have to be: “Well she ain’t no cinderella, when she’s getting undressed, cause she rocks it like the naughty wicked witch if the west.” And it's fair to admit that that is absolutely genius, due to it's completely and utter stupidity. I honestly can't comprehend the fact that it was created by a human, but at the same time, we haven't built robots yet that are specifically designed to be terrible lyricists. The song as a whole, sounds perfectly fine, it slows down a bit, while still maintaining the energy, and momentum from the album, as well as speeding it up a bit from the clusterfuck that was the last two songs.
“S.E.X.” This song is also a letdown. Just a simple acoustic power ballad about sitting down and reading a nice book. Just kidding, Subtlety is a foreign concept to Chad. After that introduction to this song, it would appear as through I'm quite bad at it as well. What it’s really about is sex. All kinds of sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. If you like sex than you’re gonna love this one. The whole damn song is majestically terrible. Like a unicorn with three broken trying to escape from a pack of ravenous gazelles or something. The entire song’s lyrical content is absolutely wonderful, It starts out kinda rapey, but quickly escalates into a chorus where chad spells out the acronym S.E.X. and what each word stands for. I won’t spoil it because as far as lyrical content goes, this song is definitely the highlight of the album.
“If today was your last day” is the song that I hear people cite when they defend this band. They say it’s really “Deep” or “Meaningful”. But in reality, it’s just a mashup of inspirational cat posters, with a little bit of nonsense thrown into the mixture. One of the worst or best songs on the album depending on how you choose to look at this album. It's either the most painfully band and generic song ever written, or a masterfully done parody of the mainstream rock genre. I suppose it's up to you to decide.
“This Afternoon” Is a song about getting high, which is extremely ironic, given the nature of track 5 on this album “Just to get high” which is a direct contradiction to this one. They pulled an Avenged Sevenfold on this song and closed off this album with a country song, which I refuse to believe was a choice that was made cause they thought it was a good idea.
In conclusion, Nickelback’s album, “Dank Horse” at very least sounds pretty good. It can be viewed through two very different lenses. If you choose to look at is as a serious hard rock/post grunge album, it’s a hilariously bad trainwreck that goes down in glorious fashion, balls out, and trying to stick em in the most expensive prostitute they can find. If you look it as a joke, like Steel Panther, or other similar bands, it’s a hilarious satirization of their genre, that is extremely effective in confusing the **** out of the listener on whether or not they’re actually serious. Regardless, I respect the band for having the balls to make something so insanely juvenile and stupid. I've seen videos of Chad Kroeger at live shows and just on youtube, and he seems like such a charismatic persons, that I relly want to believe that they're joking, when writing sons like this. Either way this album is can only be regarded as “Classic” Due to Chad Kroeger’s hilariously sad complete and utter incompetence or the absolute genius of parodying the genre so expertly that millions of devoted fans and dudebros alike, don’t realize that it’s a joke, while Chad and the rest of the gang have a good laugh at them.
