Review Summary: Didgeri-don't
After her husband remembered that they live in a patriarchal society, and rebelled against being a stay-at-home dad, Sachiko M had to give up her career of playing kazoo in Megadeth, and consider less turbulent job options. Her initial decision to become a tomato farmer ended in disaster, as Japan’s largest tomato conglomerate, Tom “ato” Cruise sent the unions after her, allegedly stating that going up against him is Risky Business and Mission Impossible.
After Tomatogate, Sachiko realised that she didn’t choose the jitterbug life, the jitterbug life chose her, and that she had to find some way to make money without abandoning her passion for music. After all, those pedophile-bait glittery pink pixie wigs don’t grow on trees, you know.
Her first big break came when she was hired to write the soundtrack to Werner Herzog's contemporary remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The movie, an elaborate aphorism on drug abuse, presented Snow White as a big bag of coke being fought over by seven midgets:
Bansky – an elusive Cockney fairy, who loves balaclavas, baklava, and smearing walls
Spanksy – a sex addict electrician
Dranksy – an abusive alcoholic, whose Peach Schnapps addiction is destroying his family.
Danksy – a moist dungeon dweller
Stanksy – a cheese connoisseur with a persistent yeast infection
Wanksy – a former Navy SEAL, current public masturbator suffering from PTSD
And Tom Hanksy – Oscar winner, necrophiliac and volleyball fanatic.
Though the film failed to gain an audience, it was later co-opted by the US government to use for movie night at Guantanamo Bay, where it proved to be a smash hit! Al Qaeda foodie blogger Mohamed Farad raved about the film in his blurb, calling it - ‘Good. Like Zoolander good.’
Around this time, Sachiko's life entered a troublesome period, instigated by an intense argument with her aforementioned husband. The short and skinny of it was he wanted to have sex in public and she didn't. Finally, they found a compromise, by screwing through the mail slot of their front door. Their troubles weren't over however, as they soon found their house infested by hipsters - scrawny pallid hairball-like creatures that were attracted to kale that had been carelessly left out in the open. After scattering clumps of gluten around the house, Sachiko was able to stop the infestation, but the damage was done. Frustrated by man-bun hair clogging the bath drain, her husband gave her the boot. And then the coat. And told her to leave.
At a loss for a place to stay, Sachiko had to move in with Old Navy model and occasional musician, Kurt Cobain. They began an ill-fated affair, that eventually ended due to grumpy-pants Kurt shooting his mouth off.
At the time, Tokyo had just elected a new mayor, Shintaro Ishihara, a controversial and complicated man, who got into office on his highly divisive ‘Free Handjobs for the Blind,’ slogan. Though the policy quickly proved an effective tool of gathering the blind vote, it alienated Tokyo’s deaf population, whose pleas for equality were especially loud and abrasive, since deaf people talk like they’ve got blaring headphones on all the goddamn time. Ishihara did not despair, and hired Sachiko to find that perfect pitch that could make a deaf person orgasm on impact. And she did. That pitch comes at the thirty minute mark of Bar Sachiko, when the song stops going deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and stars going dooooooooooooooo instead. Ishihara ended up losing the deaf vote after all, after making a cheap pun on sign language and sine waves. Thankfully, Michael Gira helped him with the mute vote, by making music that the mutes were too mute to protest against. In the end, as always in life, the ***ing blind were the only happy ones around.
As for the album, I've heard worse - http://www.sputnikmusic.com/bands/Mastodon/598/. Good day.
