Review Summary: Sealed with a •kI*~*sS•
Dear Mr Vernon,
Your latest album is so insubstantial and fluffy that it quite literally floated out of my speakers, before promptly drifting away through the nearest available open window. You can imagine my distress. In future, if you feel inclined to release something quite so wafty, please insert spoken word instructions at Track 1.
Something along the lines of:
'Thank you for purchasing this record, some artists claim they've bottled lightning...here I've collected my waftiest fir scented fart. For maximum enjoyment close all doors and windows, extinguish any naked flames and prepare to fully immerse yourself in my buttock breeze'.
This way your audience understands exactly what it is they've purchased.
I've read all about how you're moving in different circles these days, hobnobbing with fart brewing luminaries like West and Blake. I respect that. I also know you possess the restless spirit of the true artist, that you must follow your muse wherever it leads, however smelly. I accept all this and yet I still can't hide my disappointment, I hope you understand.
In conclusion I'd say that, as a loyal Bon Iver consumer, I still believe you to be a superior songwriter than brewer of backdoor ablutions, though I do admit you have some talent at the latter.
Yours truly,
Doofus Wainwright I
PS. I include a tin of 'sensual lumberjack' beard wax as I know it's your favourite brand and to show no hard feelings.
