Satyricon
Satyricon


2.1
poor

Review

by John weathered old reviewer Hanson EMERITUS
September 17th, 2013 | 86 replies


Release Date: 2013 | Tracklist

Review Summary: The best thing I can say about this album is that it made me think about walking my cat.

As far as bands that should have become absolute jokes a decade ago, Satyricon have somehow managed to keep themselves from becoming caricatures of themselves over the years. Despite the inherent hilarity of being most often pegged as a “Black ‘N Roll” band these days, they’ve at least put out albums that, while not being the genre masterpiece Nemesis Divina is, aren’t a total embarrassment to themselves and their fans. So, in a bit of warped irony, it is the new self titled Satyricon that finally sees them become an absolute waste of a band.

Here’s the thing about the record: holy fuck is it boring. It’s so boring, I spent about a week trying to write a review and literally could not be ***ted to do so. For comparison, here are things that I did and enjoyed far more than listening to this record:

-Feeding my cat.
-Sending people pictures of my cat on Snapchat.
-Wondering if my cat would submit to being walked in public.
-Looking at my cat and realizing he was already watching me, daring me to try.
-Getting fired from work. Seriously, that was a more interesting and exciting time than this album.
-Spending an entire day watching League of Legends World Championships. During this, I looked at the word document I was writing in, and decided that my life would be even sadder if I went back to listening to this album.

What makes Satyricon so boring? It’s a mish mash of different styles, from classic Satyricon “the darkness of winter IS SO COLD IN MY SOUL” style, to the harshness of Darkthrone, to the theatrical black metal of Bathory, and then of course into the incredible balladry of 80’s *** metal. Despite that, everything on the record sounds incredibly neutered. Nothing here has a kick to it, nothing catches the ear. The riffs are recycled and tame, the drumming is weirdly mixed up and down, and the songwriting is simply boring. It’s great that they’re trying to branch out and explore a bit more, but when the result is schlocky bull*** like “Phoenix”, meandering for 6 minutes while going nowhere, and “Our World, It Rumbles Tonight” which, despite having one of the only decent riffs on the record, wastes it in one of the most banal songs I’ve heard all year, it’s hard to get behind whatever the band was trying to do.

“The Infinity of Time and Space” is a good song though. I’ll probably listen to it again in ten years, after I’m done doing the infinite amount of other things I’d rather do than sit through another toothless listen of Satyricon.



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user ratings (123)
Chart.
2.7
average
other reviews of this album
Robert Davis CONTRIBUTOR (2.5)
Satyricon go through the motions. Again....


Comments:Add a Comment 
mryrtmrnfoxxxy
September 17th 2013


14645 Comments


lol

ReturnOfTheDnor
September 17th 2013


893 Comments


pos

Poet
September 17th 2013


5994 Comments


That .1 rating is bothering me more than the review itself. Just change it to a 2 pleasssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee

Winsomniac
September 17th 2013


8213 Comments


Hanson-samaa~

Kris.
September 17th 2013


13056 Comments


you never send me snapchat pics of your cat you fuck

ShrillYell
September 17th 2013


269 Comments


neg'd, because you didn't talk enough about your cat

Thor
September 17th 2013


10224 Comments


This is probably still better than the new Dream Theater

Thor
September 17th 2013


10224 Comments


I am self-loathing what can I say

demigod!
September 17th 2013


48170 Comments


new Immortal plz.

Digging: Tim Hecker - An Imaginary Country

Thor
September 17th 2013


10224 Comments


John this new DT makes their past few efforts seem like well-organized masterpieces I'm not even kidding it's that shitty

Thor
September 17th 2013


10224 Comments


and I haven't even gotten to the 22 minute closer yet

demigod!
September 17th 2013


48170 Comments


im wishing for one it better fuckin happen soon to make up for this catastrophe. rry to get you worked up tho

demigod!
September 17th 2013


48170 Comments


it better be written in cop blood

Trebor.
Contributing Reviewer
September 17th 2013


53422 Comments


sweet

Voivod
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


7163 Comments


The best thing I can say about this album is that it made me think about walking my cat.

hahahahahahahaha

my stomach is turning six-pack from laughing

Digging: Medicine Boy - Kinda Like Electricity

Lambda
September 17th 2013


2652 Comments


Sooo I'm guessing this isn't anything like Dark Medieval Times, the only other album I have from this band...

BallsToTheWall
September 17th 2013


46416 Comments


Obviously not.

Phoenix I dont care is legit a good song.

Digging: The River - Drawing Down the Sun

klap
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


11341 Comments


John Hanson - Staff Writer

linguist2011
Contributing Reviewer
September 17th 2013


2327 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Review is humorous for all the right reasons. Review also states everything that makes this album fail. You get an imaginary pos from me :D

Digging: Periphery - Periphery III: Select Difficulty

linguist2011
Contributing Reviewer
September 17th 2013


2327 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

That said, I actually thought 'Phoenix' was one of the few decent songs on the album.



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