Satyricon
Satyricon


2.1
poor

Review

by John weathered old reviewer Hanson STAFF
September 17th, 2013 | 66 replies


Release Date: 09/09/2013 | Tracklist

Review Summary: The best thing I can say about this album is that it made me think about walking my cat.

As far as bands that should have become absolute jokes a decade ago, Satyricon have somehow managed to keep themselves from becoming caricatures of themselves over the years. Despite the inherent hilarity of being most often pegged as a “Black ‘N Roll” band these days, they’ve at least put out albums that, while not being the genre masterpiece Nemesis Divina is, aren’t a total embarrassment to themselves and their fans. So, in a bit of warped irony, it is the new self titled Satyricon that finally sees them become an absolute waste of a band.

Here’s the thing about the record: holy fuck is it boring. It’s so boring, I spent about a week trying to write a review and literally could not be ***ted to do so. For comparison, here are things that I did and enjoyed far more than listening to this record:

-Feeding my cat.
-Sending people pictures of my cat on Snapchat.
-Wondering if my cat would submit to being walked in public.
-Looking at my cat and realizing he was already watching me, daring me to try.
-Getting fired from work. Seriously, that was a more interesting and exciting time than this album.
-Spending an entire day watching League of Legends World Championships. During this, I looked at the word document I was writing in, and decided that my life would be even sadder if I went back to listening to this album.

What makes Satyricon so boring? It’s a mish mash of different styles, from classic Satyricon “the darkness of winter IS SO COLD IN MY SOUL” style, to the harshness of Darkthrone, to the theatrical black metal of Bathory, and then of course into the incredible balladry of 80’s *** metal. Despite that, everything on the record sounds incredibly neutered. Nothing here has a kick to it, nothing catches the ear. The riffs are recycled and tame, the drumming is weirdly mixed up and down, and the songwriting is simply boring. It’s great that they’re trying to branch out and explore a bit more, but when the result is schlocky bull*** like “Phoenix”, meandering for 6 minutes while going nowhere, and “Our World, It Rumbles Tonight” which, despite having one of the only decent riffs on the record, wastes it in one of the most banal songs I’ve heard all year, it’s hard to get behind whatever the band was trying to do.

“The Infinity of Time and Space” is a good song though. I’ll probably listen to it again in ten years, after I’m done doing the infinite amount of other things I’d rather do than sit through another toothless listen of Satyricon.



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user ratings (82)
Chart.
2.9
good
other reviews of this album
Robert Davis CONTRIBUTOR (2.5)
Satyricon go through the motions. Again....


Comments:Add a Comment 
Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

john oh my god please start actually saying things in your reviews again please

mryrtmrnfoxxxy
September 17th 2013


13249 Comments


lol

Digging: Weezer - Everything Will Be Alright in the End

ReturnOfTheDnor
September 17th 2013


893 Comments


pos

Poet
September 17th 2013


5934 Comments


That .1 rating is bothering me more than the review itself. Just change it to a 2 pleasssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

does it make you burn inside

Winsomniac
September 17th 2013


7972 Comments


Hanson-samaa~

Kris.
September 17th 2013


12345 Comments


you never send me snapchat pics of your cat you fuck

ShrillYell
September 17th 2013


208 Comments


neg'd, because you didn't talk enough about your cat

Digging: Weezer - Everything Will Be Alright in the End

Thor
September 17th 2013


10195 Comments


This is probably still better than the new Dream Theater

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

Dude you actually listened to the new Dream Theater? Really?

and im sorry next review will be 100% about my cat

Thor
September 17th 2013


10195 Comments


I am self-loathing what can I say

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

Yeah this is boring I imagine that album will just be fucking offensive

demigod!
September 17th 2013


44557 Comments


new Immortal plz.

Digging: Fugazi - Repeater

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

Send me a stream (or a download idgaf)

Thor
September 17th 2013


10195 Comments


John this new DT makes their past few efforts seem like well-organized masterpieces I'm not even kidding it's that shitty

Thor
September 17th 2013


10195 Comments


and I haven't even gotten to the 22 minute closer yet

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

waity I DONT SEE ANY NEW IMMORTAL ALBUM ANYWHERE DEMIIIIIIIIIIIII

demigod!
September 17th 2013


44557 Comments


im wishing for one it better fuckin happen soon to make up for this catastrophe. rry to get you worked up tho

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
September 17th 2013


16089 Comments

Album Rating: 2.1 | Sound Off

next review will finally be illud


dont worry

it's happening

demigod!
September 17th 2013


44557 Comments


it better be written in cop blood



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