Review Summary: 4chan4 of 7 thought this review was well written
What I did for my Christmas Vacation: A Narrative (Said In Third Person) – In Standard 4/4.
1. This winter was by far the strangest we’d had in a while. The sun never set for what seemed the entire two weeks I was vacationing. This drove me into a crazed depression and I even had a falling out with a lot of my closest friends because of an elaborate stabbing incident involving multiple victims. I spent my entire time mining the town’s dirt for oil that had been the stuff of legends. Rationing jars and jars of the Earth. I was going through a lot, it was an Earth phase, nobody could’ve seen it coming. I found zero earthworm friends, this is still a bitter pill to swallow; I think back often and believe there may have been more I could do.
2. But, alas, we had a so little time to spare as a majority was given to fighting the town censoring. Everything was being “revamped” to be more “holiday appropriate”. Gone were the “Merry Christmas’s!” and in were the “Happy Holiday’s” and “Merry X!!!-Mas!” It was the same old trip we’d had back in Portugal a few years back. Everything was censored and we realized. And we bought it. I’d like to think it’s because that trip was riddled with anxiety toward the “Nuclear Century Benefit”. This is a more peaceful time so we sigh relief while dreaming – we sigh relief hard
3. A lot of the gratitude can be given to this new drug my friends got me into. It’s pretty much the most exhilarating experience of your life and I can understand why people do heroin now. So yeah, they’re right about the holidays, you really do learn life altering things. Anyway this drug sent me to a world where we levitated and it was always snowing. That was kind of annoying cause snow makes your eyelids cold, but anyway, the trip is alright as long as you stay away from the fuc
king upside down shark head. Why it exists I don’t know, you just gotta be careful.
4. The color scheme around the house was Red. This was a challenge. We spent all our time at Target, it felt like searching for items that screamed X-Mas in bold red font. My brother seemed rather annoyed at our laboring because he once lost his cool in the hardware aisle of Target and started throwing things down and walked out across the street to Wal-Mart. I don’t think we’re gonna be seeing much of him anymore. He got hit by a car in the parking lot and passed away later in the day so yeah the color scheme, really, I guess, in the grand scheme of things, is telling of the feelings we were having.
5. I tried to boogie a lot of my sorrow out on the dance floor of one too many gay bars and really got mixed up with the wrong crowd for a time thereafter. I was really into disco there, trying to go the extreme opposite of what I was used to, and the bars easily catered to my needs. I was in an imaginary life and everything was so easy. I got really into the tanning scene too. I had dreams of maybe moving to Texas where I could rodeo and bask in the sun daily. It was what I thought I needed to be the perfect person. So right I was. So wrong. I wanted it all and yet I don’t think I did. It took a minute for me to realize this.
6. It got to a point where I was in an underground Fight Club within a matter of 113 hours. I was in countless brawls within the first couple of minutes and there was no looking back from there on out. I was moving from my Earth-loving scene to a fighter against the injustices in this country. I was fighting while holding an albatross and I was loving it. Telling the scum bags on Wall Street that I was coming for them and there nothing they could do about it. I thought I couldn’t beat, I had a one two punch that could level a house.
7. But that hook was all I had and I quickly found myself back out on the streets. The cold desolate streets. I had put so much hope in my brother, begged him often to take care of things for me. So my world seemed to come to an end when his did. I had no way to send the pain below so I went into the S&M scene for a bit and the extreme pleasuring business. Near suffocation by belt strap before climax, it was the rush I had been looking for. Before the incident in which I lost feeling in my chest and dropped down, I was on top of the world.
8. Now I’ve developed a severe case of sleep apnea and now the most frightening thing in my life is sleeping. What’s worse is every night before I’m allowed to go to bed; my parents make me take a test. The contents of which can range anywhere from “how many times is the letter ‘I’ used in a line of dialogue in Pretty Woman?” to “What’s Pi’s final eight digit?”. Madness.
9. Needless to say I thought of ways to off my parents constantly. I even made two caskets and would like to think about it as a future career. I found a lot of joy in saturating the Earth over and over again. I’ve always been big into nailing things down and this seems like the type of job where I’ll be doing that a lot so I can definitely say I gained something worthwhile this past December.
10. Of course, I would be amiss to not say the most eventful time spent this holiday seasoning was grandma and he newfound hobby bullfighting. The atmosphere is thrilling and the crowd is wild and there never seemed to be a cloud in the sky – the temperature was almost always perfect. She was crazy and we definitely had our few scares from time to time but I think she has a lot of potential and we might all be able to put an early retirement in soon if she gets any better.
11. All in all it was a great time and I really have to say thanks to my friend Jim who really inspired me to conquer all these trials I gathered this holiday season and that is just great. He was quite the meddler often played the wall in our group of friends more often than not, but he was a stand-up guy. I can tell though I don’t belong in the silly town though between them only providing answers after midnight and the stray arrows striking you from time to time it was something I don’t think I could call home. It’s sad to say but still…
PS. To the guy who kept leaving half empty glasses of prune juice around the house I’d like to thank you. I found my clock that had a woodpecker that goes off when it strikes twelve. You put a glass next to it and I would’ve never found it if not for you. Thanks. Now, have you seen my cat by chance? Also I’m in the market for any vegetarian friends if anyone reading this is/or has any? I’m a pescatarian, work out on odd days and have a habit for perusing Petco stores Wednesdays from time to time; willing for advice on other workouts/hobby’s. Just let me know who you are!