Review Summary: Second best album of the 80s. Svöllen-Böehners guaranteed.
After all those lonely, sleepless nights and numbing heartaches which ensued the release of Heritage (Of Love) (A.K.A. the mayunliest and most kroegressive album ever after the entire Nickelback discography), Akerstache’s sophomore masterpiece Storm Corrosion (Of Love & Emotion) has been finally released, this time being part of a collaboration with new wave/dream pop genius Stephen Wilton, and guess what… it totally cockin’ RAWKS!!!
It rocks so much that it was even removed from YouTube a few weeks ago due to Steven Wilson’s jealousy. Storm Corrosion (Of Love & Emotion) (Wilton & Akerstache) is infinitely better than ***ty Storm Corrosion (Of The Gayz) (Willie & Akerfag) despite what teh gayz srsfags might tell you.
Akerstache have managed to change the formula of their songs and still kick boundless amounts of ass, joining forces with Wilton to provide an explosive brand of progressive synthcock rock, whilst retaining the debut’s mayunliness and the burning fire of desire to rawk!
Drag Ropes (Chaining My Heart) is the first track, which doesn’t drag on for too long, and it even makes 9 minutes seem like three minutes instead, due to the well-structured (AKA kroegressive) songwriting. Truly a stunning feat. It starts off with an epic synthesizer intro prior to a short solo which is followed by a drum fill (courtesy of Mr. Harry Gravynson), and then BANG! Love and emotion abruptly start raining in the city of love, baybuh! You can also tell that some of the synth melodies were later ripped-off by Opteh in their song In My Time Of Need (immodestly, I must say). Also, I have to confess, when I firstly heard the ‘Sleaze singing “ANOOOOTHHHAAA SLEEEEPPLLEEEESSSS NIIIIIGGGHHTTTT”, my testicles became so inflated I thought they were balloons, for a couple of seconds. The chorus is one of my favourite parts of the album, and you can actually sense the ‘Sleaze’s heartbreak as he sings in his deep, characteristic tone (of love and mayunly emotion). After that, the song takes the listener on a pure 80s journey drenched with reverb, keytars and hot, melted cheese-oozing solos, until it returns to the aforementioned verse-chorus part. It reaches a kroegressively huge peak near the end, when Mikael Akerstache provides an enormous falsetto resembling Dan Swanö’s vocals on Heavy Metal Machine EP (Steel): “OOOHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!11 I heard this for the first time about three weeks ago, and I haven’t stopped kroejaculating™ (it means kroegressively, or massively ejaculating, you newfags) since I witnessed this mayunly moment. TRUE STORY BAYBUH!!1
The title track displays some of the most technical moments Akerstache has ever graced us with (especially the solos), and it **LITERALLY ** made my walls corrode with all the ‘love and emotion’ that got spewed out of my Kroegerian Svöllen-Böehner. One could think this song’s unusual if it had been part of a “real” ‘Stache album (if it hadn’t been on a collaboration album), but it’s not much of a surprise here, since new wave’s biggest superstar Stephen Wilton handles synths, keytars, organ and programming duties and he also does backing vocals for the most part, but anyway, don’t worry, because he does it like a real mayunly MAWN, and the music is still as mayunly, catchy, boner-inducing, and jizz-erupting as ever. Also, this is a scientific fact, as it was proved by the Kroegster™ Himself: if you’re hearing this without ever so slightly experiencing the overwhelming need to violently Kroegsterbate™ (which means, to kroegressively, or massively, masturbate, you ignorant Sputdick faggets) whilst singing “MMMM-BAAAAAAYYYYYBEEEEEEYYYYYYYYUUUUUUHHHHH”, then you aren’t ***ing human, and you’re not from this goddamn galaxy either.
Hag (Mean Ol’ Gypsy Lady) is my favourite song from this album, and holy fawk, it’s definitely the best they’ve made since Famine (In The City (Of Love (In The City (Of Love)))) and the obligatory Ode To Chad, or even the speedy Pyre (Fire My Desire)! It starts off with a smooth, western movie-resemblant riff accompanied with an electric geetar string being plucked echoing in the distance and shortly after, it gets joined by an organ, which establishes a ball-tingling atmosphere and an ever-increasing blood flow to the penile shaft, and just when you start thinking it can’t get any more mayunly, it suddenly kicks you in teh ballz with a true cock rock riff which would make Opteh’s Mikael Akerfag rage over the fact that he can’t come up with mayunly riffs like this one. Akerfag also doesn’t have the attitude (and mayunliness) to sing mayunly stuff like “EVUUUUL WOOOMMAWWWNNN, GET OUTTA MAAAHHH SIIIIIIIGGHHHHTTT!” and instead prefers to grumble about headaches n ***. That chorus has to be one of the most kroegressive parts ever recorded, and ***ing believe it, whenever I hear that Rainbow-sounding riff drenched in reverb, a new ball suddenly pops up and my Kroener™ grows about 8 times its own size. It’s safe to say that I’ve listened to this about 50 times already, which means, I’M 50 TIMES MOAR MAYUNLY NOW BITCHIZ! That solo near the 4-minute mark also proves The Sleaze is extremely talented and he can compose harmonizing, technical solos yet WITHOUT all the unnecessary wanking most guitarists rely on these days.
This mayunly 80s journey continues as Happy (That You’re The One) opens up with a velvety synth intro, begging you to close your eyes and dream of soft, furry kittens, hot, melted cheese and gentle, soothing frottage, among other things that can give you massive, skin-ripping erections. It’s also the only track on which Stephen Wilton performs lead vocals, and the lyrics are purely Kroetic™ (kroegressively poetic, that is). “You're in my arms tonight In the pale moonlight So still Like a timepiece” The atmosphere is otherworldly and it also compensates for the lack of mayunly riffs and tasty chops.
Lock Howl (No Harm, No Foul) is simply INTENSE AS ***!!! Definitely the mayunliest song here, and it can, nay, it WILL drive you completely insane, in the sense that upon hearing this, you’ll unintentionally Kroegsterbate in a violent manner while spewing dangerously elevated amounts of jizz and trying to find the nearest yonic object so you can hump it through the night, or the nearest phallic object so you can frot it (or both (it’s your choice)). ***ing lethal, bros. It’s also very speedy and resemblant of Pyre (Fire My Desire) and, like I said, if that initial riff doesn’t cause you to jizz instantly, then nothing will. EVER. All musicians are on top of their game here, particularly Harry Gravynson with his extremely fast drum patterns and accurate fills, and Mikael “The Sleaze” Akerstache providing mayunly riffs, lead harmonies, solos, vocal lines, like for example my favourite one: “THOOOOUUUGHH MAANNYYYYY MEEEEENNN HAVEEEE TRIIIIIIIED, FOOOH YOOUUUAAAAAAHHHH LOOOOUUURRRRVHHHEE DEYYYYYYY HEEEEAAAAAVVVVE DAAAYYYUUUHHHDDDD” and even falsetto vocals near the end. Also, I tried to play the solo which begins at 03:06 but it was so intricate my entire hands got chopped off by my own ***ing guitar. Believe it or not, I’m typing with my Svollen-Boehner right now.
A kroegressively gloomy arpeggio marks the beginning of my third favourite track, which is called Ljudet Innan (The Sound Before You Left), a mayunly song which can only be understood and appreciated by mayunly mayuns like us, the ‘Stache fans. The guitar work on the intro is BEYOND kroegtastic, and while those ultra-reverbed solos are fairly simplistic, they speak VOLUMES and can also cause hot, melted cheese to magically ooze from the listener’s ears genitals! It’s not long before we get to hear the Sleaze’s glorious vocals (of love (in the city (of love))) which fit nicely with the artwork: “TEEEEHHH NEEEEOOOOONNNN LIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHTTSSSS, REFLEEEEECTTTIIINNNGG OOOOONNNN THEEEE GROOOOOOUUUUUUNND” As you’re listening to this, it actually isn’t hard to feel the loneliness of the wet neonlit streets, due to the spectacular production values (courtesy of Mr. Wilton). After this, the ‘Stache bestows us with an awesome chorus which always provides me goosebumps and makes me want to sing out loud no matter where I am: “THEEE SOUUUUUUUNNNDDD BEEFFOOOOHHAAWWWWWWWWHHHAAWWWWW YEWWW LEEEEFFT, AHH DAWWWNT REMEEEEMBAAAAAAAHHHH DOSE DAAAAYYYYYYYZ” SO EMOSHUN, SO CLASSY!!!11 The verse-chorus part repeats until a distant, echoing riff kicks in, after the ‘Stache sings “Nothing’s leeeeefftttt”, and the exact moment I heard that riff being followed by a drum fill and a kroegelicious keytar solo, my scrotum exploded and leaked semen all over the place, just like a stream of water running over a rock. DAT SOLO SO ENERGY, POWAH, SO JIZZ IN MAH PANTS!!!!!!!! When the epic keytar solo gave place to (an even more epic) guitar solo, I had to take a break before my dick would dislodge from the skin and fall to the ground. From there on, we have a falsetto, another mayunly solo employing twin harmonies, and guess what… deep sighs (of love) before the song fades away!
If you thought this progressive synth-cawk rawk journey was already over by now, you’re dead wrong. There’s a bonus track called Say Goodbye (To Love) which is a Steel cover, and it kicks ***in’ ass. Even I thought that the Sleaze couldn’t reach such high falsetto notes, well I was wrong too! One of the best vocal performances of all time, and the second best ‘Stache bonus track (because Ode To Chad is just something truly Kroexceptional™).
Words simply can’t describe the awesomeness of this masterpiece (of love (in the city (of love (in the city (of love (baybuh)))))). AOTY 1986, and second best album of the 80s, after Heritage (Of Love). Rawk out to this album while being naked, for the purpose of Kroegsterbating and also saving a pair of pants. ∞/10
