Review Summary: THINGS WILL GO YOUR WAY. IF YOU HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY
The thing about Wilson Phillips is everybody thinks they suck pretty hard which is mostly accurate because it would be embarrassing to admit you actually like them if you actually did. They are famous because two of the sisters (the hot one and the fat one) were sired by Beach Boy Brian Wilson and the other one was from the lead singer of the Mama’s and the Papa’s. It’s funny that the skinny one came from Brian Wilson and not the Mama’s and the Papa’s because they had a really fat cow named Mama Cass who bears a striking resemblance to Carnie Wilson, again, no relation. Wilson Phillips hit the scene hard in 1990 and anyone that was alive in that year knows that it doesn’t count as “the ‘90s” because it was almost more 80’s than the 80’s. The 80s were so rad that they refused to let go with the new decade and actually claimed an 11th year. In other words, everything released in 1990 sounds like it was released in the 80s.
So anyway aside from having a fat lead singer Wilson Phillips are really well known because of the song “Hold On,” a massive, unrelenting single about undying perseverance that was one of the most famous cuts of the previous 10 years. The song itself is kind of gay because it sounds like something Celine Dion would have come up with while banging a legion of French record producers trying to get famous, but it’s so ridiculously Goddamn catchy and bubbly it’s extremely difficult to resist. In other words it’s one of the greatest ironically enjoyable songs ever. There were three other big singles here as well: “You’re In Love” is a tremendously sappy ballad about how Carnie realizes that the guy she loves just broke up with her for somebody else (probably because she was fat), but instead of doing what 100% of all women would do in this situation (go bat-sh*t insane with jealousy and vow revenge), she decides its ok and she’ll just let him go because that’s what he wants. Yeah right, like that would happen Carnie. “Impulsive” was a cookie cutter single that had that quintessential catchy hook and identified the well-known fact that women secretly like men who are unpredictable and impulsive despite the fact they all bitch about how they can’t find a “stable man” while crying to their fat friends and cuddling up with their blankies and an industrial sized tub of ice-cream. “Release Me” is an ok song but it’s loaded with hypocrisy, especially since it directly contradicts the lyrics of “Hold On.” Make up your Goddamn mind . Do you want to be released or do you want the dude to hold on for one more day? Women. Anyway, the rest of this album sucks really hard.
