Sputnik
Christmas At Our House


1.5
very poor

Review

by Eric USER (161 Reviews)
December 9th, 2010 | 198 replies | 11,314 views


Release Date: 2008 | Tracklist


30 of 31 thought this review was well written

Welcome to the great, unknown atrocity: Sputnik. Emerging from New York City, it might seem that the indie-pop band orbits the most innocent of intentions with their Christmas-themed EP. It doesn’t take a preposterous mathematical proof, though, to show that Christmas At Our House is a mess, a disgrace to everything that is holy about the snowing season. To enjoy Sputnik’s vapid tunes, you’d have to be a maniac! The female-fronted (I find it surprising that a female exists without the wherewithal to know better than to associate themselves with Sputnik in the first place) band are limited to the most derivative, Beatles-esque drivel imaginable; and as kitsch as every one of their releases are, Christmas At Our House is the nadir of their poor-quality tunes. Chock full of faux-cheer, the piece is tough to enjoy for even the most steadfast Christmas fanatics. Nearly every second is accentuated with the sound of sleigh bells in the background or cheesy sound effects like the pouring of hot cocoa. It’s impossible to imagine masters of a musical genre exclaiming, “Yes! A sleigh bell solo!” let alone a casual listener to Christmas At Our House. There’s nothing funny about Sputnik; it’s the type of music horrid enough to frighten away a bulldog, or give Santa nightmares.

Given the substandard caliber of Sputnik’s output, they easily could have sang openly about their homoerotic love for Sufjan Stevens, their dual-hate of both “hipsters” and “elitists,” an odd obsession with mediocre metal music and very questionable post-hardcore, or even unfunny attempts at trolling, and they could have gotten away with it-- nobody would have listened to nor noticed the tiny EP. Instead they set their aims on tarnishing everything we love: Christmas, The Beach Boys, intelligent music discussion, holiday cheer. Hell, I’d rather hear the B-Sides to an ambient project created by a pretentious 14 year-old who reads on an 11th-grade level and has an ego even larger than a really big tuna than sit through another dose of Sputnik again. Also, hidden beneath what are seemingly benevolent themes is some disgustingly deviant shit. It’s not necessarily Sputnik’s lack of skill that’s irking, it’s the fact that Sputnik’s heads are far too large for their bodies. They describe themselves as, “Quickly becoming one of the truly essential groups of our time.” Sputnik quite obviously have no idea what they’re talking about, and have no intention of hiding that fact.

Basically, Sputnik is made up of a bunch of assholes.

Spare me, Sputnik. The Christmas At Our House EP is an exercise in butchering everything reverential and holy. Admittedly, I’ve visited Sputnik somewhat frequently. I’ve wasted a lot of time on Sputnik, and maybe you have, too. Though, no amount of visits reliably tells me whether they’re actually serious or not. The quote above and their overarching demeanor that seems to actually (somehow) take themselves seriously is one thing, but they can’t possibly think highly of themselves, can they? Could Sputnik really be trying to capture my attention with the banal “Christmas Even In Wellfleet?” Is Sputnik kidding when they tear up the Beach Boys’ classic with their tone-deaf rendition of “Little Saint Nick,” a song whose quality urges me to snap myself in the face with a bungy-cord? Answer: no, they can’t possibly be.

Like most of Sputnik’s output, “Christmas Eve In Wellfleet” displays an utter lack of caring for the listener. I mean seriously, writing a song about the most boring of towns in Massachusetts is never, in any case, a good idea. More so, the song features a kirgasm which, if you aren’t familiar with the musical technique, is the sound of having an orgasm while simultaneously thinking about Kirk Cameron of “Growing Pains” fame. Give ‘em some credit for ingenuity, but the dreadfulness is enough to aggravate a yeti. “Seasons Greetings From Sputnik” is the 45 second interlude where each band member stops to wish you, the listener a “Very merry Christmas,” complete with sleigh bells jingling in the background. “Sleigh Bells” is aptly titled, at least, and the thirty-one seconds are comprised of two things: sleigh bells jingling, and Santa going “Ho, Ho, Ho.” Ingenious. Nearing the end, “Auld Lang Syne” is the culmination of everything wrong with Sputnik (no, I’m not talking about being over-saturated with shitty lists or unceasingly praising the same mediocre bands), and the trite, not even slightly epic, song ends the EP on just a sour note as it started. It’s the Romulus to “Christmas Eve In Wellfleet,” the opener’s Remus, per se.

This inveigh may seem harsh at first; but listens to Christmas At Our House will certainly prove that the EP is a sick insult to the holiday season. The band would have been better chambering themselves in some sort of unlock-able room, if only it would have kept them from releasing music. Even better, lock themselves back in the academy where they could learn to better their tunes. I know the vocalist is no Enrique Iglesias, but surely some improvement could be made. Sputnik is also home to some gender-deception, as it’s difficult to buy into the lead singer’s femininity, with her tasteless vocals. She sounds more elegant than a witch rapist, but some guest would’ve been an apt inclusion, adding variety to the bland picture.

So this Christmas-time, if you’re strolling into a Christian coffee shop and you hear Christmas At Our House, do not clap for the music. Run. As transient as the ordeal at hand is, your ears will not go undamaged. We cannot let Sputnik succeed at their goal, which seems to be systematically, with the precision of a sniper or a satellite, defiling culture as we know it. The work’s few pros are heavily outweighed by the unsettling feeling that, if Between The Buried and Me had collaborated with Toby Keith to do a dual-LP release of William Hate and Aiden covers, with lyrics written by Soulja Boy and overseen by the producer, Grumblecunt, the album would be roughly of the same quality. Please, whatever you do, do knott listen to Sputnik.



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user ratings (9)
Chart.
1.4
very poor

Comments:Add a Comment 
SeaAnemone
December 9th 2010



19674 Comments


Merry (almost) Christmas.

Obvious inspiration drawn from Nick Butler.

If you, by some chance, don't have enough Sputnik in your life, you can purchase their EP here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002U65ALQ/ref=dm_sp_alb

Digging: Towers - Bel Air Highrise Plantation

Winsomniac
December 9th 2010



7954 Comments


Ewwwwwww Sputnik.

Satellite
December 9th 2010



20673 Comments


sputnik is fucking terrible.

Digging: Run the Jewels - Run the Jewels

Enotron
December 9th 2010



7695 Comments


mind=blown

Satellite
December 9th 2010



20673 Comments


We cannot let Sputnik succeed at their goal, which seems to be systematically, with the precision of a sniper or a satellite, defiling culture as we know it.

hahahaha. how long did this take? it's fucking genius.

cvlts
December 9th 2010



8954 Comments


waitwut

couldwinarabbit
December 9th 2010



6996 Comments


damn i wasn't first.

neg

Gyromania
December 9th 2010



15164 Comments


Obvious inspiration drawn from Nick Greer.

Butler, you mean? Review was hilarious. Pos.

Winsomniac
December 9th 2010



7954 Comments


I see what you were going for, but it was clearly too poorly done to merit any praise.


Negged.

SeaAnemone
December 9th 2010



19674 Comments


oops, meant Butler, thanks!

hope you enjoy, guys : )

I'm not usually funny when writing so I'm still worried that this is terribly unfunny to everyone but me or something haha

AggravatedYeti
December 9th 2010



7684 Comments


but the dreadfulness is enough to aggravate a yeti


:' )

best christmas present ever.


WatchItExplode
December 9th 2010



3186 Comments


I have a greater appreciation for this after listening to the samples, lol

conradtao
Emeritus
December 9th 2010



2088 Comments


"Cokemachineglow Awesomeness"

FUCK yes.

Loved reading this, pos.

conradtao
Emeritus
December 9th 2010



2088 Comments


"Given the substandard caliber of Sputnik’s output, they easily could have sang openly about their homoerotic love for Sufjan Stevens, their dual-hate of both “hipsters” and “elitists,” an odd obsession with mediocre metal music and very questionable post-hardcore, or even unfunny attempts at trolling, and they could have gotten away with it-- nobody would have listened to nor noticed the tiny EP."

hahaha perfect

SeaAnemone
December 9th 2010



19674 Comments


A) yes, this is actually bland and horrible, as WIE can now attest to

B) the band actually used that quote as part of their bio


Yazz_Flute
December 9th 2010



18764 Comments


WHERE CAN I FIND THIS ALBUM I MUST HEAR IT

Digging: Cormorant - Dwellings

vanderb0b
December 9th 2010



3473 Comments


so much win in this review

Gyromania
December 9th 2010



15164 Comments


This review is why you're a contributing reviewer.

SeaAnemone
December 9th 2010



19674 Comments


sorry it's so long guys -- I think that's its biggest issue... I actually had to cut a fair amount of parts / users out.

SeaAnemone
December 9th 2010



19674 Comments


"Very funny Sea though not as good as Iai's Iluvatar review"

Yeah just want to clarify-- it wasn't supposed to try and rival his or anything... just my own. slightly more modern take on it : )

and thanks!



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