Review Summary: What a botched abortion sounds like.
It’s hard to imagine what specifically inspired Eminem to coin the outlandish yet poignant phrase “New Kids on the Block sucked a lot of dick.” One certainty is he was assuredly listening to NKOTB’s eight-time platinum exercise on the merits of limpwristed douchebaggery, “Hangin’ Tough.” Specific moments of inspiration however are more difficult to pinpoint. Perhaps it hit him like a cascading avalanche while listening to Jordan Knight’s lead vocals on “I’ll Be Loving You Forever,” a song that’s insipid, wretched wimpiness makes Lance Bass’ vocal stylings resemble the second coming of Satan’s growl. Maybe Marshall was chillaxing to Joey McIntyre’s pre-pubescent pleadings on “Please Don’t Go Girl,” a literal blueprint on what a guy sounds like when his testicles are removed, never mind the fact it might actually be the worst song to ever hit FM radio. It’s a distinct possibility Marshall grabbed his pen the minute resident group “tough guy” Donnie Wahlberg whispered “baby, you gotta know how much I want you. I NEED you, OH so much” in the manliest voice he could conjure on the vomit inducing ballad “I Need You.” Regardless of how Eminem arrived on his phrase of resonating poignancy, the overwhelming clusterf*ck of showcasing a male’s “feminine side” that comprises the majority of “Hangin’ Tough” makes it easy to realize why he thought NKOTB most definitely putted from the rough.
In other words, “Hangin’ Tough” sucks tremendously. Not just tremendously, but on a level of fail almost unattained in the annals of pop history. Putting aside the overwhelmingly girlish overtones for a second, “Hangin’ Tough” manages to showcase its putridity at every turn, wallowing in in the usage of programmed drums, punch-less synth beats that make the Miami Sound Machine sound like the pinnacle of musicianship, and lyrics that aspire to set a new echelon for laughably insidious. If there is a redeeming factor, it’s the New Kids could earn a doctorate in transcribing unintentional comedy. When D. Wahlberg tries to channel the faux machismo of big bro Marky Mark on the title track (“Don’t cross our back cause you’re gonna get stomped”), the ensuing hilarity is above the scripted work of any stand-up comic. While waxing tough guy in the most off-key way imaginable, Donnie also informs the listener that the New Kids, in fact, “aint gonna give anybody any slack.” Just in case you were wondering, Big D. wants us to be well informed that it’s not a good idea at all to f*ck with his crew. Perhaps in an effort to compensate for the overpowering stench of feces laced syrup that makes up tracks like “I Remember When,” “The Right Stuff,” and What’cha Gonna Do About It,” Joey and Big Don make references to shredding on the gee-tar. “Cover Girl” starts with a solo that sounds like something Eddie Van Halen’s son Wolfgang could have played the second he was ripped out of the womb, and little Joe tells a girl almost certainly unaware she is about to succumb to his cunning wiles that “she makes him want to play his guitar” before falling into a solo that rates roughly minus 500 on the levels of losing. Oh Joseph. Please don’t Joey.
NKOTB are a boy band, and it would be obtuse to expect them to deliver a work not embroiled in some degree of estrogen. The problem is there’s the Backstreet Boys’ way of wooing about girls while laying down whoa-oh choruses and saccharine laced synth pop beats, and there’s the New Kids way, the latter comprising the literal definition of sugar pop suckage only made worse by laughable attempts at machismo. We really don’t know if Marshall Mathers actually purchased “Hangin’ Tough” when he was coming up 8 Mile, due to the fact he never was in all actuality a pre-teen female. Regardless, his line on the extra-curricular activities of Big Don Wahlberg, little Joey M, Jordan “Big J” Knight, and the other two dudes is more astute at describing their music than any other form imaginable. Turns out Marshall did in fact cross the New Kid’s backs, but I’m pretty sure his a$s didn’t get stomped. Funny how that happens.
