Review Summary: Oh, can't it go any lower than 0.5?!
Ok, I want to make one thing clear. I added this 'band' to the database and classed them 'Black Metal' for one reason: they're wasn't a genre entitled 'complete f-cking crap'. Satanic Destroyer is a one man bedroom project, made up of Matt Dorr, who does all the instruments. He claims that Satanic Destroyer is a Black Metal project, but it isn't. Not only is it sh-t, it is also a teenage Black Metal worshipping kid recording his pathetic first attempts at playing the guitar. I'm sure that the 'songs' on this 'album' are not even proper compositions. I'm sure that Matt picked up his guitar, had a very vague idea of what he wanted to record and made it up on the spot. Note that I don't use the word 'improvise' as that would imply that there is some musical skill and talent involved.
The 'riffs' are mostly just one-note rhythms, repeated for the full length of the album, that display no sense of talent or skill. Everything continually sounds completely amateurish, and laughable, and that's without mentioning that they are usually out of time, full of mistakes and plain lack of passion and direction. It's also really friggin' funny when you listen to this crap and realize that this guy has no idea what to play next, or, which is even more hilarious, when he can't remember the 'riff' that he played earlier on in the same song. Take True Black Metal
for instance. The guitars are mostly clean, but sometimes he hits the distortion button, and I can't decide which sections make me laugh even more. His distorted 'riffs' are extremely simplistic patterns, that are so elementary and so badly played that it's truly a disgrace for any genre. 'Black metal' is as appropriate a term here as, say, psychedelic orchestral progressive rock with reggae and thrash metal influences
. But, there is something even worse here. First, the whispered vocals are just horribly, utterly stupid. Matt whispers the lyrics into the microphone and his voice has no power, value, range, absolutely nothing. It's not grim or evil, yet still the worse Black Metal vocals ever to be recorded, I'm sure of it. And then there is the bass, the highlight of the album. Yes it's simple, yes it's audible, and it's the only thing recorded in time on the album. Although it's minimalistic, it doesn't support the rest of the instruments. Then there are the drums, wait, there aren't any (Thank God). There is only clicking in the first track, which is meant to resemble a snare, of sorts.
And, finally, the production, if there is any. There isn't any spot in the album where Matt has used multi-tracking, or even double-tracking. It's as if he wanted to show the world his 'art', *shudders*, as soon as possible. Finally, to sum up, it's not grim, it's not heavy, it's not creepy, it's not popular, it's not technical, it's not pleasant on the ears, it's not angry, it's not oddly addictive, it's not disgusting, it's not brutal, it's not innovative, it's not well produced, it's not atmospheric... I could go on. This album was actually put into print as well, which just shows how easy it is to get a professional record deal. How this guy is signed is beyond me. I leave you with one word: