Hey there! Do you like mammoth sized death metal? I bet you like it with extra double bass and fudge too…how cute. Well if you like death metal then you probably wouldn’t be interested in some silly-nanny grandpa’s guitar music…oh you are? OH GOODIE! Well, fine sir/ma’am I think I have found a rather suitable record for y’all to tap your feet to.
I bring to you Burn In My Fires, the beautifully brutal outing of the ever-experimenting Xihilisk. With two scoops of vaginal juice and one scoop of warm biscuits, there’s something for everyone…unless you have osteoporosis, then you can’t eat the biscuit! Every once in a while Opeth comes along with over the top, impractical songs mixing hevy methul with acoustical passages, but who needs them anyway when you have all 20 minutes of this album? Damn straight…
Well John, we gots 12 songs at summin’ like one to three minutes long, there’s sum hip compootery sci-fi artwork, and an extruh song all electronicy, but why wud I want this?
I’m glad you asked Kenny Rodgers. See, deer are attracted by warm, comforting acoustic sounds. The first track will render their minds to meadows of lollipops and cheerful, yet conveniently immobile garden gnomes. And once their trance has brought them close enough, the next track will start. It’s filled with sounds that remind the deer of why his mom was shot, petrifying him, leaving you just enough time to mosey on over and machete it’s front legs off. By this time, the music will have enslaved your mind as well, since you’re just as impressionable, and you will find yourself hacking away at your comatose comrade. Then the next song will begin, again filled with prancing acoustic passages, making the other animals think that a morbid death is a grand way to go out. Your hunting days are effortless, merely at the cost of your sanity.
…hehe…sounds purty guuud…wait wut?
Haha, don’t worry I already gave a free copy to your wife, but…just don’t go in the bedroom if you hear the acoustic track, you may never leave, hahaha...hm
Anyhoo, this album only costs $19.95. if you purchase this cd, we’ll add in a shiny razorblade, a twenty dollar value, absolutely free. You can use the razorblade in as many ways as your imagination sees fit, but be sure to move to Europe where suicide is super legal! So you’ll get the album and the razor for only $29.95! But wait, there’s more...
With this amazing package, you’ll get the cd, you’ll get your shiny razorblade, and we’ll throw in not one, but eight gingerbread houses made with wal-mart’s finest cyanide. Assembly required.
With the holiday season coming up, you probably are so unsure what to get your kids. This could not be a more perfect time to open your kid’s mind up (figuratively…oh hell, literally too, we don’t discriminate!) to new, exciting music. Not only the album, but their days will be completely spent after playing with those razors, you know how kids are. So don’t wait, get one now, for only 39.95! That’s right, you get all these things for only 49.95! You know you never wanted kids anyway…
