Review Summary: It won't let me give this a 0.5.
25 of 29 thought this review was well writtenLook at that f
ucking cover. Just look at it.
1. Prologue – Oh this is just great, a f
ucking spoken word thing. wiL seems to be talking about how everyone hates him but wait now he’s talking about how he’s ready to have sex a lot. Now he’s telling us that he’s up for sex with “gentlemen” as well. This is the dumbest thing ever, oh my god. “Ponder, was that shudder the same shudder that he sensed?” This is awesome because it makes you think of wiL being naked with a three-inch erection.
2. Beautiful Loser - Oh I get it this is supposed to be some sort of electropop stuff. It’s got a lot of low end to it which is sort of cool but that keyboard line reminds me of an annoying fly buzzing around my ears. Annnnd here’s wiL’s singing. He sounds like the guy from Interpol. This is totally ruining Interpol for me. The background lyrics are “My f
ucking hell down down down down.” This is so awesome. There’s about six wiL’s singing in the chorus about how much of a loser he is and also that he’s a beautiful suicide and a unique butterfly. He just told me to get up and jump. Holy sh
it I’m actually doing it. It’s hard to type while jumping; I’ll have to edit these mistakes later. Okay the verse came in again, do I keep jumping? Or do I stop? What if that refrain comes in again and he tells me to start jumping again and I’m already jumping but that meant that I should have sat down for the verse and chorus and somehow wiL will find out that I didn’t stop jumping and he would be very disappointed. There’s like forty seconds left so I’m taking a closer look at the cover and the smoke looks very fake and wiL looks extra duckish.
3. Strangers – This song fades in to more synth bullsh
it. I just got back from taking a huge dump so hopefully this song will seem sort of enjoyable due to the good mood I am now in. Wow this melody is ridiculous, pretty sure wiL sat down at a keyboard, played something that sounded not terrible, and then recorded it for this song. It sounded like he just said, “I am the willy.” So far both choruses on this album have had a bunch of tuneless background vocals. “You are god that doesn’t care and doesn’t mind-AHHH,” oh my god shut up wiL. The bridge is the funniest thing I have ever heard. A bunch of industrial noises peppered up with women moaning and then telling wiL to do it harder and then wiL starts moaning. It’s probably the most disturbingly hilarious thing ever. He still sounds sort of like the guy from Interpol. Sigh.
4. Hate Culture – Oh boy the title track. The intro reminds me of an annoying, 3-year old version of Muse. Baby’s First Horribly Annoying Synth. I hear a bassline in the background, I wonder if the fat guy from Aiden snuck into the studio and plugged in his bass while no one was looking, and then wiL took a break from interviewing the Interpol guy on how to sing like a British guy and saw him sitting in the corner and was like “Fat Aiden bass player, I told you to stay away from here” but fat Aiden bass player pretends to ignore him so wiL just lets sleeping dogs lie because the bassist is really the unstoppable Juggernaut from the X-Men comic book series (copyright, Marvel Comics). I think he just said “isis.” Stop ruining good bands for me!
5. Tranquilize – I will try not to make a joke about how I wish someone would tranquilize me so I don’t have to hear this song. I won’t make any promises though. Is that a guitar lead I hear? I can’t tell. It could be a sitar. Or a keyboard filter. Probably a keyboard filter. You know that thing on keyboards that you can move back and forth and it makes what you’re playing sound all shaky and vibratory? Well wiL uses that thing a bunch in this song and it doesn’t sound as cool as you think it does when you’re sitting in your room alone trying to play “Through the Fire and the Flames.” Female vocals in the chorus, maybe it’s that fat chick from Cradle of Filth. Jesus Christ, I wish somebody would tranquilize me so I don’t have to hear this song. HOT-CHA!
6. Razor’s Edge – Every single goddamn song starts out with some stupid keyboard/synth line and it’s really starting to wear thin. I just had a random thought – is he going to go on a tour to support this album? I can only imagine the kind of people who would show at a William Control concert. Fat chicks, I bet. I’m sure they would bring glowsticks and ecstasy and have a RAVING good time, haha!!!! I might have to buy a ticket if he comes near my area so I can fill a water bottle up with piss and throw it at him. It shouldn’t be too hard, he probably couldn’t book a venue that holds more than fifteen people. I’m sure it would be extremely dark in there too, but I’d have to wait for the disco ball to stop shining on me. Preferably I would throw it at him during this song’s spoken word part.
7. We Are Already Here – This is 12 seconds long and I’m still wondering when the f
uck it’s going to be over.
8. Cemetery – My download of this has the song spelled as “Cemetary,” but Wikipedia says that it in fact is “Cemetery.” This completely ruins the joke I was going to make about how wiL can’t spell. “All lies, this f
ucking wolfstinide,” is what I think he just said. How am I supposed to say something interesting about this song when it sounds just like all the other ones? But hark! Off in the distance! Another bassline! I’m going to focus my listening powers only on the bassline. Dammit, the chorus started again and I lost it. Wait, if I listen really really hard I can hear it chugging away underneath everything. Play, fatty! Come back to me! This chorus is never-ending, holy crap. Okay here’s the bridge and I can hear the bass clearly again. It’s been playing the same note for about a minute now. Oh wait the song is over.
9. Don’t Cry For Me – I think I’ve found a good strategy that everyone should use while listening to this album: listen for the bass. The songs actually go by sort of fast when you have to focus on something that may or may not actually be there. I’m not hearing any bass in this song, just wiL talking about how he’s going to fall into madness and all of your hate, hate, hate, haaaate. Oh my god I just subconsciously started to air-drum to this song. I am so ashamed.
10. Damned – About thirty seconds into this song, this weird keyboard noise starts playing that reminds me of that one episode of Spongebob when the underwater creatures and objects played a lovely tune that went sort of like “La lalalalalala, lalalalalala, la lalalalala, lalalalalala.” “When god has f
ucked a queen, what a sight, what a smell, what a f
ucking scene,” this song is about as poetic as a SnackaryBinx review.
11. The Whipping Haus – I imagine wiL saying the name of this song in a German accent, so he sort of says it like, “The Whipping HAAUUSSHHHH.” I don’t know. Give me a break, I’m listening to William Control. More girls moaning in this song in the intro. Wait, they’re still moaning. I think they’re going to be there for the whole song, all distorted and whatnot in the background. That’s pretty sexist, if anything they should be in the
foreground, or at least at the same level in the mix as wiL. This glass ceiling in music is appalling.
12. London Town – This song is apparently nine minutes long. Shoot me in the goddamn face. Wow this is the first song on the record not to start out with some stupid darkwave bullsh
it. An acoustic guitar and a…violin? I’m sure wiL set his keyboard filter to “Violin.” This song actually started out kind of nice until wiL started in with that artificial-sounding low-pitched singing style of his. I’d almost rather have nasally high-pitched Aiden wiL. I would also almost rather have safety pins stuck under my finger nails. “Sadneeeessss in London Tooowwwn.” Do I really have to listen to this whole song? I’m going to fast forward it a little bit. Okay we’re at 4:24 now and there’s just silence. I should have seen this coming, Aiden did it to me once before on one of their albums. I fast forwarded it to 6:40 and there’s still just silence. You only have two minutes left to start some stupid bonus track, wiL. Hurry! I just noticed the upside-down cross in “Culture” on the cover. That’s so great. 1:30 left in the song and still nothing. I better not have listened to six minutes of blankness. Holy sh
it a car alarm or something just started playing and it scared the hell out of me. Oh it’s a 911 call about wiL being a creeper and coming to some old lady’s door and then she starts screaming and that’s the end of the song.
Final analysis: worse than an Aiden record.
