8 of 14 thought this review was well written
Alright in case you guys haven’t heard, Simple Plan just released a new album for the first time in like four years. For some reason there is really no hype at all about this album and maybe that’s a good thing for them. Probably not though. SlitYerGuts is banned so I have to use this account. One listen per song here we go.
1. When I’m Gone
– We start out with a 3 Doors Down cover. Electronic intro. Jeez. Let’s see here. Pierre’s voice is pretty much the same, i.e. bad. The stupid electronics under his voice aren’t helping. Chorus starts out with WHOOAAA gang vocal style, like we need more of that in music today. “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone,” says Pierre sincerely. He just said “contemplating,” which is a hundred dollar word. The chorus is really disjointed from the verses; it doesn’t fit at all. This song seems like a failed attempt at mashing together too many different ideas. Ah the bridge doesn’t fit either. The electronics return and then Pierre screams LETS GOOOO. One good thing I will say about this song is that it actually sounds kind of hopeful and happy and stuff unlike all of their other depressed bullshi
t. However he is still writing about “leaving this town” and “finding something new.” So nothing new here except some electronic elements that don’t fit at all. Note to self tell more jokes in next songs.
2. Take My Hand
– Oh shi
t this one starts out heavy as fu
ck! Too bad it then starts to sound like an Avril Lavigne song. Yeah this sounds just like Avril. Pretty sure I’ve heard this prechorus somewhere before. “Take my hand tonight, let’s not think about tomorrow,” hello inspiration. The “hey hey”s are really really annoying. So far there has been a large lack of guitar riffs; I think I’ve heard one so far. It was bad. Bridge consists of more hey heys and the drummer banging on his kit without any real purpose. The production on this is actually really not that good. Oh shi
t second part of bridge is a quite version of the chorus and then it EXPLODES into the loud chorus again. Didn’t see that coming. Damn man this is worse than writing about Aiden because with Aiden there was always something extremely bad going on that I could joke about but with this record Simple Plan is just kind of chilling out and not really doing anything at all.
– More electronic demonry starts this song out. I guess the band members had a fight with the drummer because they are replacing him lately with a drum machine. Guitars in the background are drenched in reverb and I’m getting a little wet. Alright chorus is composed of that generic melody where you put the emphasis on the last word like OH don’t let me GO I don’t KNOW hey hey HEY. Vocals in the verses are really low-pitched and don’t sound like Pierre at all. Maybe he died between this song and the one before it. GIRL you KNOW it’s not so BAD it’s not the END WHOAOOA. Bridge is all slow and gay and Pierre actually attempts some falsetto and fails really badly. Drummer makes an appearance somewhere in the song and does nothing in particular. He’s like Kevin Smith who makes an appearance in every crappy movie he directs and Kevin Smith and fu
ck this song is over already
4. Your Love Is A Lie
– and Kevin smith just sort of sits around and is fat. First appearance of acoustic guitars here. I hate acoustic guitars (copyright Eliminator, 2007). Oh man someone needs to tell these guys that acoustic guitars plus electronic hand clappy bullshi
t does not equal good music. This song sounds like that one Michelle Branch song. They even steal some of her lyrics for Christ’s sake. “Your love is just a….LIE. It’s nothin’ but a…LIE!” This is lame. “You look so innocent but the guilt in your voice gives you away.” Some 12-year old is admitting to having sex with Pierre. I think that is what this song is really about. Maybe Pierre and Michelle Branch had a fling when they were little kids and now Pierre is spilling the beans National Enquirer style. Bridge tries to be all heavy which is in sharp contrast (!) to the rest of the song. Genius. I think I just heard a guitar solo but maybe not; it was like five seconds long so I can’t be sure. There really isn’t anything going on in this song at all. I kinda want to stop reviewing this because I can’t even be funny while listening to this. It kind of sucks.
5. Save You
– Piano! This sounds like it will be a ballad. Have you guys seen the album cover that was rejected? It’s all of the band members walking away from like a burning city and stuff. It was so lame. The one they used instead is even lamer. This song is about as bad as both of those photoshopped into one picture, except if it was manipulated to make the band members look as if they are on fire and burning in hell and in eternal torment (copyright The Bible, 7000 BC).
– Track five is still playing but I finished writing about that one early so here I am, waiting for that one to end and this one to begin. I hope it will be like that one song that’s like “talkin’ bout my generation,” you know the one. Okay here we go it’s starting. This Hershey’s bar I’m eating is really good oh my god there is a horn section starting this out and then this hip-hop beat comes in and the band members are oh-ohing at me. The verse has more electronic stuff. What is with this band? This is like the same electronic sound that was used in the first two tracks. “That’s my generation hey ho let’s go!” So it pretty much is like that one song. Horns come in again after the chorus. Tyler Fisher would love this. He plays some brass instrument I think. “We’re gonna do it ‘til we die.” So I guess these guys won’t retire anytime soon. The horn part (which is the same all the way through the song, by the way) reminds me of the first Final Fantasy game for Super Nintendo. You know the music that was playing on the main menu when the crystals fell down and lit up and stuff.
7. Time To Say Goodbye
– Organ. Classy. Apparently Simple Plan went down to the local used musical instrument shop and bought everything that didn’t look like a drumset. Lyrics are still talking about girls letting Pierre down because they had braces so they cut his penis when they were giving him head. Those damn 12-year old groupies. Simple Plan used to be so fun. I won’t lie I used to love them when I was first getting into music. Now they’re trying to be all serious and whatnot but really they sound the same as they always did. No one informed them that the genre has changed a lot in the past four years.
8. I Can Wait Forever
– More piano and Pierre crooning stupid shi
ck me. “Every time I leave my heart turns gray.” After like a minute of gay stuff then the song gets loud but still only manages the intensity of a gnat and the emotional depth of a teaspoon (copyright JK Rowling, 2005). Haha damn there’s a guitar solo here. I can imagine him standing on top of a piano like Slash did in that one stupid GnR video except this guy can’t play like Slash which is both bad and good at the same time. Marching band drums now. Tyler Fisher would love that as well. “It’s like a blade that cuts right through me.” These guys are so emo. Guitar solo redux at the end. So bluesy. RIP STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN.
9. Holding On
– Random piano twiddling at the end of that song took too long to end so here I am looking like an idiot typing about a song that hasn’t started yet. There’s a fu
cking tambourine in the intro to this song. This song seems to be an attempt at stadium rock. It’s got that HUGE AS FU
CK production to it; it even sounds like there’s a crowd in the background sometimes which annoys me. Chorus reminds me of that one Third Eye Blind song, the one where the video was all gray and the drummer was banging on African tribal drums or something. Vocal overdubs in the verse are pretty obnoxious. Oh also there’s some whispering in there too. That reminds me of Aiden. Not good. This song is full of pop faux-pas. “When I open your letter the words make it better oh whoaoaoaoa it keeps me holding on.” Ugh. I think I just heard someone sing “I wanna fu
ck you” in the background but probably not. It just got all quiet and I thought the song was over but then they went into that fu
cking chorus again. God dammit.
10. No Love
– Song still hasn’t ended yet. Jesus Christ. La la la ok there we go. This one starts out with a glockenspiel or some shi
t. Also some more piano. Falsetto vocals in verse are lame as hell and also sound bad. “There’s only lies, there’s only fears, there’s only pain, there is no love here.” What a bleak and desolate portrait Pierre is painting for us. The bridge has a string section playing; I was wondering when I would hear some crappy strings in the background.
11. What If
– Title reminds me of those Marvel Comics “What If Wolverine was a Chick?!” stories. Those are interesting sometimes but mostly they’re just stupid. Especially the ones that are like “What If the X-Men Killed the Brood Queen in the 4th Dimension?!” This song starts out with only violins playing. Then some guitar. Then some cymbals. Then Pierre except his voice is overdubbed like 15 times so there’s like 15 Pierre’s singing to me. “What if I change the world, if I lead the way, be the one that takes the blame.” Chorus sounds just like “Welcome To My Life.” Ending is supposed to be epic but it’s not.
ck this I’m gonna go listen to some CRYPTOPSY.