30 of 40 thought this review was well writtenA few weeks ago I listened to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ Don’t You Fake It and proclaimed it the worst album ever. Right now I’m pretty much convinced that nothing will ever top that album in terms of sheer suck. But what if I’m wrong? What if there’s an album out there that’s worse? Well, in the tortured corridors of my mind, I have been hearing whispers of a name. The name of a band that made an album so detestable that it could actually be worse than Don’t You Fake It. That band is Aiden. Some inner voice (or maybe just canonyeer) has been telling me that this band just might be the band to make the worst album ever. This is what I intend to find out. Same deal as last time, you know the drill.
1. Knife Blood Nightmare – Oh Jesus Christ what have I gotten myself into? I don’t care if this is the first time I’ve heard his goddamn voice. This singer is the worst singer I’ve ever heard. I mean seriously what ever happened to having a decent tone and accentuation and just sounding good for God’s sake? This trend of nasal vocals has got to go. I don’t care if every band and their mother is doing it right now. It needs to die. The singer is saying “I know it’s all just a bad dream now.” Man I wish this was just a dream. Well these guys fall under that category of playing high-pitched riffs every second of a song it seems. If you’re gonna play something in every song then at least make it interesting or something. At least then I’ll kill myself during the eighth track instead of the fourth.
2. Last Sunrise – Before I hit the play button, I’ll let you all know that I’ve heard this song before. I just forget what it sounds like. I hope it isn’t bad or anything. Okay I’m pressing play now. Man that riff is kinda cool. Too bad it sounds like a ripoff of Thrice and every other goddamn band out there. The guitarist is playing a riff that is not deviating at all during the verse and it’s driving me insane and I just found out that the singer did like a lot of heroin when he was twelve or something. People like him should not be singing. “This nightmare won’t last long.” This is the second song in a row that’s talked about dreams and nightmares and the album is called Nightmare Anatomy so I’m guessing every song will have the word “nightmare” at least ten times. I’m not feeling these lyrics at all man. “Are you scared to sing this song?” I can only hope to God that before long these guys will be too scared to sing their songs and quit. I think this singer has said “scared” fifty times so far and it’s only the second song. Now the guitarist is playing that verse riff again and everything is going dark and I can’t see too well. Okay so after the verses they have this little slow gay part which I guess is supposed to like lull you into a false sense of safety and security or something and then BAM the chorus hits you in the face. Well that’s cool and all except for the fact that the chorus barely manages a slap, let alone a punch. I’m not sure how bands like this expect anybody to like them. I mean c’mon no one can actually enjoy this right? Right? Oh god…
3. Die Romantic – Another fast ripoff riff oh boy. This is one of those riffs where they bang out two power chords then palm mute real fast. I haven’t talked too much about this vocalist yet so I will elaborate now. Imagine a nasal Matt Heafy. Imagine a gothier version of that dude from The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Imagine Ozzy Osbourne only a hundred times worse. Imagine gonorrhea in vocal form. This is the vocalist of Aiden. “Diiiiiiiiie Romantic” is the nice little hook in the chorus. Christ these lyrics are gay. Gay lyrics plus a horrible singer does not make for good music. Once people realize this then I guess the world will be a better place for your children. Aiden are a lot like RJA except they scream a lot more. This isn’t a good thing. It’s interesting that a band can sound
less hardcore when they scream. Bands like Aiden and RJA use screaming as a sort of vocal enhancement sort of thing (meaning they scream a word or two every lyric line) instead of actually learning how to do it properly and using it to make kickass music. So the end of the song is approaching and he’s repeating “Die Romantic” over and over and I really want to take his advice and die.
4. Genetic Design for Dying – These guys have the best song titles ever. This one starts off all slow and gay like that one part from Last Sunrise and he’s saying “dear mother I am lost and the damage has been done” or something. See what I mean about gay lyrics? I think they rummaged around the dumpster behind Victory Records and pulled out the lyric sheets that Hawthorne Heights threw out. I think he just said “your corset haunts me” and I can’t believe that I’m still listening to this. The chorus I think is supposed to be epic and uplifting and maybe it would be if it was done by a better band but Aiden are just consistently falling flat on their faces. Okay now the song has slowed down and the singer is whispering and now he’s getting a little louder and now he’s yelling and the drummer or whoever it is that does the screaming is wailing and the drummer is pounding away and this is just like one freaking huge train full of god awful racket speeding towards me at 100 mph.
5. Breathless – I predict that this will be a slow ballad or something because the title is a generic slow ballad title. Let’s see if I’m right. Well I can’t hear what the singer is saying because they decided to turn the volume down really low on his microphone or something. Thank God for that and sh
i now it’s loud and I was wrong. Dammit. “Take me home so far away from here, take me slow I can’t stand one more year take my breath away wake me up today I will reach out for you.” This song has the worst lyrics on the album so far. “Can you replay this kiss?” I don’t know why any girl in her right mind would kiss this singer. He looks like a duck only with a small bill and his face is painted and stuff. I’ve never seen a duck with a painted face before. That would kick
ass to be quite honest. Oh sorry I should be commenting on how much this song sucks. Well it sucks a lot. Oh now there’s a sweet a capella part where the singer wails the first line of the chorus in that raspy whine of his. I suppose they think a capella parts are innovative and new or something. Now it's quiet and I suspect some sort of musical explosion. Okay it’s not coming. All I hear is an acoustic guitar picking an A minor chord or something. Christ what a disappointment that was. Well I have to take a piss now. I really wish I was reviewing Pink Floyd so I could go take a piss and know that I don’t have to pause the music because nothing interesting will be going on anyway.
6. Unbreakable (I.J.M.A.) – Hmm I wonder what the I.J.M.A. in the title stands for…maybe I Just Make
Assrapinglybadmusic. Okay I apologize because that joke sucked. Well the acoustic guitar from the last track carries over into this one and then the duck-billed singer starts whining and just sucking in general. One thing that a lot of singers tend to do these days is go way beyond their range. Sure, hitting the high notes can make a song emotional, but this is just a slightly less nasal Jordan Pundik. For instance in the chorus when he says “Memories never die” he goes way out of his range when he says “die.” It’s ear-gratingly bad and I can’t understand why bands do it. Don’t they listen to this stuff before they release it? Can they not hear themselves when they’re recording it? Why don’t the other people in the band bitch slap the singer and replace him? It’s questions like these that keep me up at night and then when I fall asleep I have nightmares about Aiden. It’s really just a lose-lose situation.
7. It’s Cold Tonight – I can’t listen to this guy sing for much longer. And why the hell am I randomly hearing “I’m Rick James bitch!” during certain songs? I think whoever I downloaded this from is playing a joke on me. I don’t like jokes. As if the music wasn’t bad enough already, I have to listen to Dave Chappelle’s overused joke a bunch of times. I want to comment some more on the lyrics but I can’t understand what this dude is saying. I think he just said “We’re going nowhere fast” and hey I think he just said it again. Ironic lyrics are funny. Ooh now there’s a high pitched riff yet again and everything is building up and maybe now I’ll get that climax that I was expecting at the end of Breathless. Okay drums and guitars are building up some more and Jesus Christ I didn’t get a climax, all I got was this sh
itty chorus again. Ugh serious hate for Aiden.
8. Enjoy the View – A lot of these songs start off really similarly. Why am I not surprised. He just said “pull it out” and I’m just thinking of the drummer putting it into the singer’s
ass and the singer is like “pull it out.” This is what Aiden’s music does to the human mind. This production is kind of bad. Maybe I just got a bad download or something but it sounds like the drummer is beating on Campbell’s soup cans. Also I can’t really discern what the guitars are doing because they’re kind of low in the mix. Or maybe they’re both just playing the same thing. Neither would surprise me. Dear Lord this screaming is awful. This screaming is worse than any pre-surgery Matt Shadows vocals or pre-blowout Matt Heafy screams. Yeah they’re that bad.
9. Goodbye We’re Falling Fast – These guys really like to rip off other band’s riffs. Like this could be any one of about fifty bands. The one that comes to mind first is Thrice. I think that a lot of these riffs are taken right from Thrice songs. That means that for about five seconds the song sounds kind of cool but then the singer starts singing and any semblance of good just goes right down the toilet. I want this to be over. I don’t want to be listening to this anymore. This is like listening to some mutant hybrid freak mix of Hawthorne Heights and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and My Chemical Romance. I mean I’ve heard some pretty obvious ripoffs before but this is just ridiculous. Every second of this record could be found on some other record by some other band that did it a thousand times better. This song is over and there’s only two left and goddammit that’s the first thing to make me slightly happy in an hour.
10. This City is Far From Here – This starts off sounding like a rat snuck into the recording studio and chewed some wires and made everything sound really bad and cheap, kinda like if it was recorded in a cardboard box. “Look what I’ve done now, I’m sick of this town and I’m leaving.” Yeah I don’t need to make a joke because those lyrics make jokes of themselves. He just said “dreaming” again and I swear to god he says it once every ten seconds. Okay if there was one person in the world that I could kill without any consequence, then it would be the singer of Aiden. Actually you know what? If I had the chance I would kill him anyway even if I would go to jail for it. He needs to feel the pain that I have experienced tonight.
11. See You in Hell… – No Aiden,
I’ll see
you in hell and then I’ll kick every single one of you in the nuts. You bastards. This song is 6 minutes long according to Winamp and dear lord I hope that means that there’s some crappy bonus track or something instead of an actual six minute Aiden song. “What do you got to show for it?” Well I’m listening to this album and I have nothing to show for it. Except for this review which sucks anyway. I honestly can’t write anything even halfway decent while listening to this tripe. “See you in hell now, see you in hell now.” I guess that’s supposed to be badass and hardcore or something. I don’t know how anyone can think that they’re hardcore when they paint their faces up like little f
ucking goth dolls that little f
ucking goth girls play with. Well I’m at 3 minutes and the song hasn’t ended yet so I guess this really is a 6 minute Aiden song. Oh wait I think it just ended. Feedback and now silence. Dear Lord I hope it’s over. Okay nothing yet. I just fast forwarded it to five minutes and now I’m hearing some gay poem with some gay whispering in the background. I can’t hear what the dude is saying but I mean c’mon it has to be gay. Even if he’s reading one of John Donne’s sonnets or something, Aiden could still manage to make that gay. Now the whisperers in the background are yelling and getting angry, probably because they just listened to an hour of Aiden like I did.
Well Nightmare Anatomy surely was a nightmare of an album (LOL). I didn’t think it was possible but Aiden managed to make an album that’s worse than Don’t You Fake It. The vocalist is terrible, the musicians never do anything worthwhile, the production sucks on some songs, and it’s just an all around uninteresting listen. So congratulations Aiden. You have made the worst album of all time. It’s not every day that you get to contribute to music history in such a large way. You should feel honored. Go celebrate by killing yourselves.
