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| MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '23-'24 Preseason Ranking
Hello there! I'm back with my lovingly crafted and lovingly biased takes on where NFL teams stand for this upcoming season, which starts September 7th! I try to offer my thoughts and reasoning on projected placements before disappearing until Week 8/9, where the rankings will begin in earnest. Hope you enjoy!
* = indicates a team that was a division winner last season | | 32 |  | 100 Gecs
1000 gecs
32. Arizona Cardinals
Last Season: 4-13; finished Rank 29
Many have projected the Cards to be a dumpster fire and the league’s ultimate punching bag this season, and with good reason. Colt McCoy’s release makes the message clear: tank for #1. Considering the team has two 1st round picks, one courtesy of the Texans, it’s a solid strategy to rebuild a roster that is too old, injured, devoid of star power, and top-heavy at its best. The big questions lie in coaching and QB; it would be a big blow to dump Kyler and his massive contract, and Gannon’s last game involved being surgically dismantled by Andy Reid on the biggest stage, but maybe clearing Murray away is necessary. Right now, it’s undeniable that this squad cannot compete, and even a healthy Murray solves nothing. Hard to believe this was such a hot up-and-coming team just two seasons ago… | | 31 |  | Pianos Become the Teeth
Drift
31. LA Rams
Last Season: 5-12; finished Rank 27
Similar situation to Arizona: a roster that is top-heavy, lacking in star power, and getting up there in years. Any pieces worth a damn were traded, already retired, or were sold for that sweet sweet ring. The tank rumbles on, commanded by a Stafford whose elbow is likely held together by paperclips. A massive exodus of defensive players means that not even that unit can give the illusion of contention like they could last year, and a lack of 1st round picks means the draft yielded mostly depth players. The only competing that will be done here will be against Arizona for that coveted #1 pick--likely a chance at Caleb Williams. | | 30 |  | Titus Andronicus
Home Alone on Halloween
*30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Season: 8-9; lost WC round; finished Rank 14 (way too generous lol)
Like the teams below them, Tampa has shed a lot of players. A LOT of players. The roster went from SB contenders to a ghost town practically overnight, with that delicious 2020 ring providing salvation. Their efforts to reload resulted mostly in depth pieces, and they hinged their hopes on a QB competition of… current-day Baker Mayfield and Kyle Trask. They are tanking. An injury-prone offense will ensure that, with Russel Gage and Ryan Jensen already out for the season. Even in a down NFC South, they’re undeniably cooked, unless a defense of young talent and potential playmakers steps up to the plate. When Todd Bowles is still around? I wouldn’t hold your breath. | | 29 |  | Of Mice and Men
Cold World
29. Indianapolis Colts
Last Season: 4-12-1; finished Rank 31
It’s do-or-die for raw prospect Anthony Richardson, who the Colts dramatically selected as their 1st round draft pick. New hire Shane Steichen--the apparent architect of Jalen Hurts’ rise to MVP-caliber play--is tossing him to the wolves, with the hope being he can work magic again on a player that, while flawed in multiple ways, has incredible athletic upside. The problem: they did absolutely nothing to address their horrific offensive line until the 4th round of the draft. Lot of young weapons with plenty of potential, but there are a ton of skill position weaknesses that will ultimately hold this roster back. Why is Chris Ballard still here again? Oh--cap space champion of the year again? Hang the fuckin’ banner… | | 28 |  | Jacob Sartorius
Last Text
28. Las Vegas Raiders
Last Season: 6-11; finished Rank 24
Josh McDaniels is here to tank, too! At the helm is Jimmy Garoppolo, who failed his physical upon joining the team. Masterclass! The Carr era is over, but the disappointment must continue. They maybe got Crosby some help on defense in 1st round pick Tyree Wilson, but he’s a raw, physical prospect that will require good coaching, which is something Vegas does not like to have, and might have a nagging injury of his own. Aidan O’Connell showed promise in preseason, and considering how Jimmy G seasons typically go, he might need to suit up sooner than expected. Not much else to see here; it’s a tame-to-lame roster controlled by an absolute buffoon. Shenanigans and schadenfreude will ensue for the rest of the AFC West. | | 27 |  | Kanye West
Donda 2
27. Believeland Rapists
Last Season: losers; finished Rank 25
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha | | 26 |  | Humble Abode
Manic Mansion
26. New England Patriots
Last Season: 8-9; finished Rank 17
Post-Brady Bill has gotten complacent with the offense, and it’s reached peak concerns this off-season. The line? Injured or, at best, injury-prone. WRs? You lose on the DHop sweepstakes, so here’s a mediocre JuJu as a consolation prize. TE? Don’t expect Gesicki to block. Coordinator? The man who orchestrated a massive 24-point collapse, tanked a franchise, and was run out of Alabama on charges of offensive mismanagement… with Bryce Young at QB. The defense will likely hold strong and was reinforced through the draft, but the organization’s negligence in terms of their offensive attack will again be their downfall. Same story as last year’s squad, but the downfall will be even more painful. | | 25 |  | Varials
Failure // Control
25. Houston Texans
Last Season: 3-13-1; finished Rank 30
They may be ranked low here, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Texans develop beyond how they’re projected; they’ve got the makings of a young squad loaded with potential, from their splash HC hire in DeMeco Ryans to their all-in draft gambit, using their 1st round picks to get a QB of the future and then the arguable top defensive prospect. John Metchie III, now medically cleared to play, is also waiting in the wings as a possible X-Factor for an offense in need of one. There will be growing pains, but this team could make a leap faster than expected--depending on if Stroud comes as-advertised, of course. Defense may be an overall concern, but with Ryans being a defensive-minded coach, it should be a wash. | | 24 |  | The National
First Two Pages of Frankenstein
24. Atlanta Falcons
Last Season: 7-10; finished Rank 21
Another year on the Arthur Smith train. On one hand, his records leave a lot to be desired; on the other, he’s had to draw water from a stone every season. With the unproven Desmond Ridder under center, it seems like another year of the same ol’ Falcons, but there’s at least a decent team on paper. London, Pitts, and newly-acquired Bijan Robinson are a robust offensive attack, and new DC Ryan Nielsen is regarded as a defensive line wizard. Whether they have the pieces to succeed on that front remains uncertain--they were a bottom 10 unit last year and didn’t add too much to it. How much more of this cycle until Falcons fans get impatient? Unless Ridder shows up, I’m not too confident in where this squad will land. | | 23 |  | Sarah and the Safe Word
Good Gracious! Bad People.
23. Carolina Panthers
Last Season: 7-10; finished Rank 19
Sadly, the Carolina QB Carousel has been shut down by the Bryce Young pick. Poor line play could quickly revive it though, or noted genius Frank Reich playing Young behind the backup line in preseason. Poor line play seems to be an epidemic for teams lately, isn’t it? DJ Moore is also gone and with him the offense’s X-Factor, and Reich’s track record is spotty, but let’s talk positives for now! Young should provide stability at QB and be an immediate plug-and-play signal caller, Hurst and Chark are good FA signings--oh, Chark injured their hamstring? And he’s got a history of injuries? But we’ve got D’Onta Foreman! We let him walk? And drafted a WR whose ceiling is widely regarded as ‘average’? At least Reich has wonderful success at developing QBs… I think. Slide the glass, this might be a bumpy ride full of potential and disappointment in equal measure. | | 22 |  | VHS Glitch
Land With No Future
22. Green Bay Packers
Last Season: 8-9; finished Rank 12 (generous, yikes)
The time has come: Rodgers is gone, and the Love Era finally starts. Preseason hype has the NFC North shaking in fear and rage, but whether it translates to legit NFL games remains to be seen. That young offense will rely heavily on Love becoming a quality QB and 2nd-year WR Christian Watson, and that RB duo of Jones-Dillon will need to step up to help--and by that I mean, the team needs to use both instead of randomly sidelining them. Joe Barry is back as defensive coordinator for reasons known only to LaFleur and God, so prepare for another abysmal run-stopping defense and CBs giving up as much ground as possible. Too much shaky ground here; I think the Bay ultimately takes a step back while teams around them improve to varying degrees. | | 21 |  | The World Is Quiet Here
Zon
21. Baltimore Ravens
Last Season: 10-7; lost WC round; finished Rank 20
Lamar Jackson, when healthy, is electric. New OC Monken is, in theory, a direct upgrade from the tired schemes the Ravens were running for the past few years. The flipside is this: Jackson has struggled to finish seasons healthy, having missed the end of the last two; Roman, for all his flaws, knew to play to Jackson’s strengths; and the WR corps remains lackluster. OBJ is not who he used to be, nor will he ever regain that level, Agholor has hands of stone, and Mark Andrews is a meltdown away from suspension--which is to say nothing of the fact that the team as a whole is often injury-riddled, from defense to an oft-sidelined RB attack. In a division featuring the Burrow-Chase-Higgins dynamic and the rising Pickett-Pickens combo, it’s a recipe for more disappointment. This team does not have what it takes for a deep push or WC spot. | | 20 |  | Slipknot
All Hope Is Gone
20. Chicago Bears
Last Season: 3-13; finished Rank 32
Fields, in theory, is being set up so that the Bears can accurately determine if he’s the guy or not. As flashy as his highlights were, Fields was raw as hell in 2022, but he now has a competent offensive attack to tap more into the passing game, with DJ Moore being the headliner. However, a shaky OLine might disrupt those plans and force Fields to rely more and more on scrambling and bailing on pockets. Beyond that, the defense remains a concern. Look at that roster; there’s either nobody here that grabs headlines, or a bunch of rookies that are forced to carry the load and level up fast. There’s certainly potential here, but it feels as though the end of the rebuild isn’t quite here yet, and I don’t know if the OLine play will allow Fields to be properly evaluated. | | 19 |  | Acres
Lonely World
19. Denver Broncos
Last Season: 5-12; finished Rank 26
Can only go up from last year, right? Sean Payton should ideally knock some sense into Wilson and pry him away from this cadre of yes-men, but with WRs dropping like flies--Jeudy’s hamstring will likely pester him all season--my hopes are pretty low. A retooled OLine and Payton’s scheming should, in general, be consistently good enough to elevate the roster and revive it from the pits of 2022-23. In that scenario, I am assuming/hoping that Joe Lombardi has absolutely no say in anything regarding the offense and is simply cashing a paycheck. Ask Chargers fans how they feel about him; the results aren’t pretty. Maybe this ranking is too optimistic in hindsight… | | 18 |  | Will Haven
Muerte
18. Washington Commanders
Last Season: 8-8-1; finished Rank 15
It’s Sam Howell season, baby, and if he turns out to be a solid pick, Washington might shock folks. Their defense has retained its strength, buoyed by the newly-extended Daron Payne, and they received reinforcements via the draft, so it’s expected to again be an upper-level unit at run and pass defense. Scary Terry ideally will have the first QB in his career capable of utilizing his talent, provided his current injury status is as minor as has been reported. I still believe Howell will be relatively raw out of the gate, and there’s not much of a running game to support him; Robinson Jr. and Gibson are both solid but I wouldn’t depend on either. Some bad injuries could also expose a DLine that is powerful but lacking depth. That being said, the Commies could easily prove doubters wrong, especially if the Howell-McLaurin connection turns hot. | | 17 |  | Pat and the Pissers
Soil
17. New Orleans Saints
Last Season: 7-10; finished Rank 22
The Saints made one of the bigger moves this offseason by acquiring Derek Carr, but to what extent this moves the needle is uncertain. Andy Dalton actually performed well and was efficient; QB was not the biggest concern of New Orleans. That would belong to a defensive line that is aging rapidly, with any holes being plugged in by role players and unproven rookies, and a head coach that is about as dull as possible. Michael Thomas hopefully being healthy could improve the offensive attack--him and Olave are a deadly 1-2 punch--and the squad sports a sneakily-elite CB unit, so there’s a reason to look towards a possible division title, especially when looking at the NFC South’s fellow teams. For all his flaws and the aforementioned age issue, Allen’s defense HAS remained elite and can support Carr in a way the Raiders couldn’t. Could be interesting to watch this team and see if they grow/manage to stay healthy. | | 16 |  | Plebeian Grandstand
False Highs, True Lows
*16. Minnesota Vikings
Last Season: 13-4; lost WC round; finished Rank 10
Beyond the addition of Brian Flores as DC, the Vikes seem to have maintained their roster from last year. That’s a mixed bag; their roster was capable and still is capable of incredible heights, but it has a terrible problem of crumbling under pressure at random. The offense, especially without Cook, revolves around Justin Jefferson and nothing else. Fair enough when dealing with the top WR in the game currently, but the lack of a proven #2 options could hurt down the stretch. Flores should breathe life into an awful defensive unit, but there’s still an overall lack of playmakers. Feel like inconsistency will bite these guys in the ass once again. | | 15 |  | Lost Horizon
A Flame to the Ground Beneath
15. Miami Dolphins
Last Season: 9-8; lost WC round; finished Rank 18
When healthy, the ‘Fins are formidable. Trouble is that it seems a fully-healthy Dolphins squad never reaches the field, and it’s an issue that’s already struck the defense and offense before games are even played. Tua has been working constantly to improve their pocket presence and ability to take hits/fall properly, which should assist immensely in keeping him safe for a whole season. If he holds up and Hill/Waddle continue to torch defenses, Miami could ascend again like they showed early last year. A lot of ‘if’ plaguing this roster. I’m not confident their defense rebounds much either, but their overall offensive attack is fearsome enough to where it’ll win some games on firepower alone. | | 14 |  | Young Fathers
Heavy Heavy
14. New York Giants
Last Season: 9-7-1; lost NFC Divisional; finished Rank 9
With not much room to maneuver, the Giants made small moves to bolster their roster and retain key pieces. Daniel Jones being THAT valuable remains to be seen--even after a solid, safe-football year, that contract was a surprise--but he began delivering on his potential as a reliable passer and underrated rushing threat. The offense is supported by Andrew Thomas anchoring the line, new acquisition Darren Waller, and a healthy WR corps full of dependable jack-of-all-trades types and a possible trump card in rookie Jalin Hyatt. Barkley remaining in the fold is also a massive win for the squad; his 2022-23 season proved how important he is to the Giants’ offensive attack. Sexy Dexy Lawrence heads a defense that should take a step up in quality. It likely won’t be pretty, but Brian Daboll will get whatever he can from this roster and likely steal a WC slot. | | 13 |  | Zao
The Crimson Corridor
*13. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Season: 9-8; lost AFC Divisional; finished Rank 8
Pederson’s impact on the Jags was immediate, and the team hopes to keep momentum going--something reflected perhaps by a roster that is largely unchanged. Calvin Ridley is the piece to watch; his explosive potential could morph Jacksonville’s offense into a juggernaut and add even more weapons to T. Law’s arsenal of Etienne, Jones, Kirk, and rejuvenated Engram. The Achilles heel is Lawrence’s inconsistency--something that was evident last year, although it was cleaned up gradually as the season wore on--and a defense that, though possessing playmakers, has yet to realize its upper-end potential. Another possible concern is injuries; the Jags were one of the luckiest teams last season in that regard. This tough AFC demands consistency and a defense that can at least limit damage; the Jags are perhaps on the precipice of that. | | 12 |  | Amia Venera Landscape
The Long Procession
12. Tennessee Titans
Last Season: 7-10; finished Rank 28
In stark contrast, the Titans were possibly the unluckiest team in terms of injuries last year. A new OC marks a change in offensive philosophy (get the FUCK out Todd Downing), Deandre Hopkins gives the team an elite WR again, 2nd-year players are poised to make a leap, and the defense was supported by a slew of low-key FA signings including Arden Key--a defense that’s now 100% healthy, mind. An elite front 7 commanded by Big Jeff Simmons should immediately improve the Titan’s defense, whereas a healthy Tannehill on the opposite side of the ball should rekindle a passing offense that withered without him. The King, of course, is the King, and Mike Vrabel is one of the best coaches active in the league. If not for a horrific collapse, this team was playoff bound, and now they’ve reloaded, retooled, and adjusted their identity for the modern NFL. There’s no reason to write them off at all just yet. Hey, we even got a kicker now! | | 11 |  | White Ward
Futility Report
11. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Season: 9-8; finished Rank 13
I have and will continue to criticize Mike Tomlin, but I’ll give credit where credit’s due: the man’s persistence is admirable. Losing records do not happen under his watch--kind of a bullsh*t stat when you look further into it but roll with me--and he managed to right the ship after last season’s dire start. Pickett, Pickens and co. now look to make a highly-anticipated 2nd-year leap, while a restructured and healthy defense hopes to continue the Steelers’ typical reign of dominance on that side of the ball. It remains a bit top-heavy--one Watt injury and it’s bad news bears--and the linebacker corps in general looks lackluster, but it’s never smart to count the Steelers out. While the Ravens and Browns bumble about, I expect Pittsburgh to capitalize and rocket back into playoff contention. | | 10 |  | Sectioned
Annihilated
10. Seattle Seahawks
Last Season: 9-8; lost WC round; finished Rank 16
Geno Smith cooled off down the stretch, which is cause for concern. However, Seattle has had a full offseason to address any issues, and they even got reinforcements in the form of JSN. That means an offensive attack of Lockett, Metcalf, JSN, and KWIII, which is frightening on paper. Defensively, Seattle’s attempted to make repairs--snagging Dre’Mont Jones to help with run stopping, for example, as well as drafting Witherspoon to boost an already strong CB unit--to bring their secondary back to their greatest asset and ideally improve overall DLine performance. If Smith can replicate his first half of last season, the Seahawks will be scarily effective all around the field. This is a team that also managed to avoid losing key pieces and has a lot of young up-and-coming talent. Wild card should be an expectation this year, if not division title. | | 9 |  | Chamber (USA)
A Love to Kill For
9. Los Angeles Chargers
Last Season: 10-7; lost WC round; finished Rank 7
Joe Lombardi is gone, praise the gods. Brandon Staley is still here though, so maybe it’s a wash. Joking aside, Kellen Mond is a massive hire for the Bolts and hopefully a significant change in offensive philosophy; Mond isn’t afraid to let it rip, and Herbert--in possession of one of the league’s strongest arms--is more than up to that task. What will get in their way is the same thing that has always gotten in their way: injuries. A healthy trio of Williams, Allen, and newly-drafted Johnston should be a solid trio that can attack defenses in a variety of ways, with TE Everett coming off a career year in yards gained as well. This also assumes that Staley can avoid choking leads and habitually throwing caution to the wind on any given fourth down. Too much to ask? We’ll see. I think Mond will be a big benefit in getting this offense to really be an offense. | | 8 |  | Trophy Scars
Astral Pariah
8. Dallas Cowboys
Last Season: 12-5; lost NFC Divisional; finished Rank 11
Dan Quinn still being here is a score for Dallas; he’s still an upper-level defensive coordinator, and with the likes of rookie Mazi Smith, there should be more for him to work with on the DLine. Ideally, it should also take some pressure off of Parsons, who’s normally forced to wreck shop on his lonesome. McCarthy takes over OC playcalling duties in the wake of Mond’s departure, which isn’t necessarily a death sentence; he was the primary caller during Aaron Rodgers’ early success. That offense has enough strength to overtake most opponents, and as aforementioned, the defense should have more depth than last year and be fiercer as a result. And I mean, by the end of the day, we can’t laugh at another Dallas playoff collapse if they don’t make it there! Make Deuce Vaughn center. | | 7 |  | Masterplan
Masterplan
7. New York Jets
Last Season: 7-10; finished Rank 23
What the Jets were missing was painfully obvious: a reliable QB that avoided mistakes and could manage the game. In Aaron Rodgers, they have that at a minimum, and at a maximum, they have an elite passer that can make incredible touch throws. An offense of Wilson, Lazard, a deep RB room, and a hopefully healthy OLine should be the perfect complement to a defense that is on track to be elite once again. Star CB Sauce Gardener of course needs no introduction, but the athletic wonder and 1st round pick Will McDonald IV could be a terror on the DLine. It sounds like the makings of old-fashioned Rex-style Jets football, but instead of Mark Sanchez, you’ve got Aaron fuckin’ Rodgers. Their downfall will be any sort of injury, as key position groups--WR, QB, OLine--lack depth. Fingers crossed the Jets can finally beat their playoff demons. | | 6 |  | Turmoil
The Process Of
*6. Buffalo Bills
Last Season: 13-3; lost AFC Divisional; finished Rank 2
It feels like the Bills’ current window is slipping out of their grasp--something magnified by a humiliating blowout at the hands of the Bengals last year. The team has become the new-Age Tarkenton Vikings sans-SB appearances; they never seem to have enough, or they’re snakebit by injuries and sheer bad luck, or victimized by some serious bullsh*t. Allen and Diggs return, wth rookie TE Kincaid hopefully bringing a measure of diversity to the offensive attack. Hard to count Buffalo out due to their regular season rampaging as of late, but the cracks and frustration are showing. McDermott taking over defensive playcalling might help, as well as the defense being healthy in general--specifically in the secondary, which should be a strength. Von Miller being out for extended time hurts a DLine that struggles with generating pressure, but new acquisition Leonard Floyd might be able to provide assistance. | | 5 |  | 9mm Parabellum Bullet
Termination
5. Detroit Lions
Last Season: 9-8; finished Rank 6
For perhaps the first time since Barry Sanders was making magic happen, the Detroit Lions are a hot name in NFL circles. It’s part media-hype, naturally, but it’s also deserved; this is the most complete their roster has looked in decades. Goff has successfully revived his career, St. Brown is the most underrated WR in the league, Gibbs + Monty has terrifying potential as a 1-2 RB onslaught, the OLine is an absolute force, and the defense has been given a much-needed makeover. The likes of CJGJ and Cameron Sutton should vastly improve the secondary, and new additions a la 1st rounder Jack Campbell can augment the LB corps--probably this team’s weakness alongside a relatively unproven TE room. The stage seems to be set for a shockingly strong showing from the Lions, with most of their deficiencies addressed by Brad Holmes in the draft or FA. As long as Ben Johnson controls the offense, I’d set my hopes high. | | 4 |  | Departures
Teenage Haze
*4. San Francisco 49ers
Last Season: 13-4; lost NFC Championship; finished Rank 1
Shanahan is the Shanaman with the Shanaplan, ready to do his Shanabest to win the Shana-West. Yes, I am again asking you to drink Niner Kool-Aid, because this offense is a cheat code when healthy and an absolute matchup nightmare on every front. The key concern will be QB; all eyes will be on Brock Purdy to see if he can not only avoid injury, but also replicate his underdog run from the previous season. If so, a beastly attack of Deebo, Aiyuk, and Kittle will feast per usual. A deadly DLine, now commanded by Steve Wilks, should help make life hell for opposing offenses. The division should certainly be the objective; short of that would be another disappointment in a long list of them for the Shana-era. You gotta snag that championship soon to make it all worth it, right? | | 3 |  | Cleric
Regressions
*3. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Season: 14-3; lost Super Bowl; finished Rank 5
After that kind of SB run, it was inevitable that the Eagles would lose key pieces, from coaching to especially defense. That being said, the main strengths--Hurts, Brown, Smith, the elite OLine, and a DLine that’s now made all the more terrifying by Jalen Carter--remain mostly intact. That alone should be enough to carry the Birds to another division title and get them en route to a deep playoff run. Continuity on offensive playcalling will be critical, as Steichen was considered instrumental to Hurts’ development as a QB, but I don’t think Gannon’s absence will have similar concerns; Eagles fans had plenty of complaints and didn’t mind that he ended up leaving. He’s Arizona’s problem now. Bottom line: there’s a lot of talent still here, including the main pieces to last year’s run. They’ll be back barring some kind of disaster. | | 2 |  | Persefone
Metanoia
*2. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Season: 12-4; lost AFC Championship; finished Rank 3
The Bengals have been painfully close to getting that first ring, and last year’s defeat might be the worst yet: a mixture of self-inflicted wounds and highly questionable officiating. For the most part, the gang’s running it back, although the loss of the Bell - Bates safety duo will hurt the secondary. Burrow, Chase, Higgins, and Boyd remain the top offensive attack in the league, and the OLine is projected to finally be up to standard this year, helped by splash FA signing Orlando Brown. While the secondary might be hurting, the defensive front, anchored by Hubbard and Hendrickson, should be even better with the inclusion of Myles Murphy. Lou Anarumo is among the league’s best defensive wizards; I expect any roster setbacks to be managed appropriately. Despite losses, the Bengals have a firm grip on the AFC North, and their offense should always be counted on to make a deep playoff push on its own. | | 1 |  | Icarus the Owl
Rearm Circuits
*1. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Season: 14-3; Super Bowl champs; finished Rank 4
It is predictable and boring to put the defending champs #1, but I’ll say what I’ve always said for a while now: Kelce + Mahomes + Reid = success. Until that dynamic is broken up or hits an age cliff, it’s completely foolish to count them out. A solid supporting cast at WR--even more so if Toney is healthy--and the loveable angry-runner Pacheco will be more than enough to diversify KC’s offensive attack. The biggest concern is the fate of Chris Jones, who as of this write-up has yet to be re-signed. He’s a key piece and the heart of the team’s DLine, and nobody on the roster currently can fill his shoes. Even then, Spagnuolo’s defenses are infamous for their bend-but-somehow-never-break ethos. Hell, not like the AFC West is quite ready to challenge these cats anyways. Calling them #1 for now until proven otherwise. | |
MarsKid
08.30.23 | IN PROGRESS
You know the drill; come in here, find your team, and complain. Let's get at it! And happy almost-start-of-season, my good friends. | s0nicx
08.30.23 | We have the potential for a third tank division in the last 4 years (The NFC South yet again!) | MarsKid
08.30.23 | Yeah I'm quite low on the South lol, lot of teams that are deep in a rebuild or a state of flux. No hope for most of them except New Orleans unless they combust. | s0nicx
08.30.23 | I have a friend whos a Falcons fan and he picked them to go 14-3...yeah... | YoYoMancuso
08.30.23 | LIONS HYPE TRAIN CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS | s0nicx
08.30.23 | Kincaid isn't much of an upgrade for one reason and one reason only: Josh Allen refuses to pass to his TEs. | s0nicx
08.30.23 | I have the Saints winning the division at 10-7/9-8. Its basically a "Congrats, you don't totally suck" prize tbh. | MarsKid
08.30.23 | iirc Saints also have a relatively easy schedule, division title should def be an expectation. | Manatea
08.30.23 | I can’t wait for the season to start so i can watch the highs and lows of mars rooting for the titans | AlexKzillion
08.30.23 | the #1 power ranker in the world is BACK... and is as high on the steelers as ever! | Manatea
08.30.23 | Also I think you’re dead on re the ravens | tyman128
08.30.23 | WE'RE NOT LAST WOOOOOOO | AlexKzillion
08.30.23 | will be commenting random thoughts as i go through this
again, i think the rams are more likely to make the playoffs than be in contention for the #1 pick. mcvay/stafford/kupp/donald + a non-fourth string offensive line should be good for like 7-8 wins. they are top heavy but in all the right places. | MarsKid
08.30.23 | Thanks y'all for showing up and showing love < 3
Texans could develop quick, think they're still a year away from serious contention but the pieces are coming together.
Donald is elite but getting old, and Stafford is likely 100% cooked. This same roster ran into a wall last season and I don't expect much changing in that regard. | AlexKzillion
08.30.23 | hmm overall i project teams to finish the season much higher than their current ranking: rams, falcons, packers, ravens,
and teams to finish a bit lower: titans, vikings, saints, commanders | MarsKid
08.30.23 | Fully expect to be the only one that believes in the Titans, but eh, such is the cross I bear. We do our best as underdogs anyways.
My Commies ranking is probably generous and highly dependent on Howell being a surprise star, but I think he can provide a stability that they org hasn't had since they dumped Cousins. | AlexKzillion
08.30.23 | "Donald is elite but getting old, and Stafford is likely 100% cooked. This same roster ran into a wall last season and I don't expect much changing in that regard."
hmm i just can't see how they couldn't be much improved over last year. stafford injured his elbow in training camp and played like it, then got knocked out half way through the season due to playing behind an offensive line made up of guys they had to poach from other teams(!) practice squads.
even if stafford is shot... this is a sean mcvay offense, and if the oline is even slightly better than last year (literally how could it not be?) they have nowhere to go but up. even if their roster is paper thin i'd still take the competency of the rams over really anyone else in the bottom 10 here | AlexKzillion
08.30.23 | i do believe in the titans just feel like they're in a more transitional period a la the steelers the past couple years | vult
08.30.23 | GO JAGS | Demon of the Fall
08.30.23 | Yeah, I have to admit the Rams being THIS low is a bit of a shocker, to me. They probably won’t be making many waves, but they could at least be vaguely competitive? Idk. | Titan
08.30.23 | 8th - I'll take it! | MarsKid
08.30.23 | A McVay offense can only make magic happen to an extent, and without a healthy signal caller, it's for naught. They've got Kupp but the offense beyond that isn't nearly consistent enough and lacking in depth. They lost a lot of defensive starters and didn't offer replacements/the replacements offered were lackluster. I don't see them performing well at all, definitely not to the tune of WC contention. | Demon of the Fall
08.30.23 | Oh, they won’t make wildcard imo but 31st is low. Tampa, Indy, Texans etc. all better? Hmm, not sure 🤔
Raiders COULD be a dumpster fire (funny how I ONLY use this phrase when talking about the NFL) but yeah their range of outcomes is perhaps wider | MarsKid
08.30.23 | To be fair, the line separating the bottom teams is pretty thin; I wouldn't put too much stock into who goes where. Texans have a lot of promising young talent and a new coach that I think will perform above expectations to an extent. | MarsKid
08.30.23 | Rams roster is dead as hell to me y'all, I think it's a tank-off. Plus the Rams need to reload, there's a motivation to try and under-perform. | Manatea
08.30.23 | Wait this is turning into a rams discussion and I’m not there? Guys this year is another SB run. Jk I’m gonna be miserable this season | MarsKid
08.30.23 | But you might get Caleb Williams! | Manatea
08.30.23 | No dude we already put all our eggs in the Stetson Bennett basket remember? Unless he retires this year due to his old age. | Hyperion1001
08.30.23 | GO JAGS [2] | MarsKid
08.30.23 | I'm so happy the "Stetson is a grandpa" memes are being carried over from the NCAA lol | Hawks
08.30.23 | As a Steelers fan, their inside linebackers went from being THE weakness last year to a strength. Kwon Alexander is an absolute menace. Elandon Roberts and Mark Robinson are elite downhill run stoppers and Cole Holcomb is a jack of all trades. | MarsKid
08.31.23 | Think my concern there and the D in general is a lack of depth, not sure if the Steelers have a solid rotation but I could be wrong. The definitely need someone that can take over if Watt is lost early again. | Demon of the Fall
08.31.23 | 'To be fair, the line separating the bottom teams is pretty thin; I wouldn't put too much stock into who goes where.'
I think your top picks were so vanilla that I started at the bottom | Hawks
08.31.23 | Mars their depth is amazing. So much better than last year. The only place they didnt have depth was corner and they addressed that yesterday lol. Think it could be a special year if they stay clear of major injuries. | MarsKid
08.31.23 | "I think your top picks were so vanilla that I started at the bottom"
*shrugs* I'm not bullish on supposed up-and-coming teams to an extent. Lot of my top picks have the pieces to compete now and have demonstrated consistently that they can take it to the next level. I won't make a hot take just to make a hot take. | AlexKzillion
08.31.23 | steelers d has the most depth they've had in a while in the front seven yeah
corners are def the biggest concern, even after the desmond king signing yesterday, but then again... hiding average-sub par cornerbacks has been the steelers thing as long as i've been a fan. i'm glad to not be going into the season completely reliant on 90yo patrick peterson. joey porter jr has had a really good preseason at least.
trying really hard not to get my hopes too high as this iteration of the team hasn't done jack shit yet, but it really feels like this team could be special. prob the most hyped i've been going into a season since 2017? at the very least, the retooling period is officially over and i'm excited to live or die by the steelers's performance every week again | Hawks
08.31.23 | I am hype. This is easily their best overall roster of the past 7-8 years. They have play makers at every level of offense and defense. Their offensive line went from the biggest weakness to a huge strength and their defensive line has like 5 or 6 guys that can ball. | MarsKid
08.31.23 | How y'all feeling about Joe Woods still being in the building though? | Hawks
08.31.23 | Who the hell is that???? LMAO | MarsKid
08.31.23 | Oh lol I butchered that. Woods was the Browns' terrible DC last year. I meant Matt Canada, your OC. | Hawks
08.31.23 | Ohhhhhh ok lmao. This is the year we will really find out about Canada. His first year he had 90 year old Ben and last year he had fucking Trubisky and a rookie. No excuses for him now. He has all the weapons he could ever need. Espcially considering George Pickens has top 3-5 wide receiver potential. Not to mention a top 5-10 tight end in Friermuth. | Halo22
08.31.23 | Good analysis on my team Washington.
Overall, solid picks.
Though not sure on Philly, as they lost both OC & DC. | BigTuna
08.31.23 | As a lifelong Lions fan I can't QUITE get myself to hope any farther than simply making the playoffs. | MarsKid
08.31.23 | @Hawks that's fair, shouldn't be excuses this go-around. Steelers definitely have the pieces to succeed on offense, I just remember a lot of fans banging the table to get him tossed out.
@Halo22 I don't think DC will be much of a loss for Philly, Gannon was exposed hardcore in the SB and coasted mostly on the pure talent of the roster. *Maybe* secondary will be a weak spot, but they'll be generating crazy pressure up front.
@Big I'd say that's fair! Playoffs at a minimum should be the expectation, it'd be a lost season if not. | MarsKid
08.31.23 | Oh shit, I forgot the Commanders of Jahan Dotson. Very underrated WR2 that's a TD machine. Him and Terry healthy is actually a great duo. | s0nicx
08.31.23 | My hope for the Saints is simple:
Win the South and at least be competitive in the playoff game we're going to lose. At that point the season will be a resounding success.
What's probably going happen:
Dennis Allen will happen and the team loses at least 2 in-division games because of it and the team will for the 4th year in a row, get wrecked by injuries. | AlexKzillion
08.31.23 | "that's fair, shouldn't be excuses this go-around. Steelers definitely have the pieces to succeed on offense, I just remember a lot of fans banging the table to get him tossed out."
the offense actually became very good between the 20s once kenny became the starter. we were just ass in the redzone (and boswell had a bad year kicking on top of it) so it didn't really translate to the scoreboard. wasn't sexy but iirc we were actually a top 10 offense over the second half of the season according to dvoa. first downs don't win games though... points are ultimately what i'm gonna judge canada by. like hawks said, zero excuses this year. | MarsKid
08.31.23 | For some reason, I think I remember the Titans offense being hilariously effective in the red zone last year.
Naturally we rarely go there lol, but apparently when we did we scored. | FowlKrietzsche
08.31.23 | Losing Bell and Bates does suck, but I am so excited to watch Dax Hill. I think he's a star in the making | AlexKzillion
09.01.23 | this time next week we'll be talking about how either the chiefs or lions suck and that their season is completely over i can't wait! | MarsKid
09.01.23 | I've probably said it a lot but I DO think that week 1 match-up is big for Detroit. They need to show they mean business this year and the hype is real. | Hawks
09.01.23 | Hype that the Steelers have a game at home in week 1 for the first time in 10 years. Gonna be LIT men. | AlexKzillion
09.01.23 | would actually feel semi-disappointed if we didn't beat the niners. between playing them at home and purdy just now coming back from injury i feel like the matchup couldn't be more ideal | Hawks
09.01.23 | Tbh I think its gonna be like 28-10 lol. | vult
09.02.23 | I genuinely think the Commanders will make the playoffs this year, I'm excited to watch Howell+McLaurin+Dotson+Robinson, and their defensive line is actually scary. | Snake.
09.06.23 | bills 12-5
dolphins 11-6 (wc #1)
jets 11-6 (wc #2)
patriots 6-11
ravens 14-3 (afc champs)
steelers 10-7 (wc #3)
browns 10-7 (stefanski fired at end of season)
bengals 7-10 (zac taylor fired at end of season)
jaguars 10-6-1
titans 7-10 (vrabel fired at end of season)
texans 7-10 (ryans not fired at end of season)
colts 6-11
chiefs 14-3
broncos 10-7
chargers 6-11 (staley fired after week 7)
raiders 2-15 (adams and jacobs traded at TDL)
eagles 15-2 (nfc champs)
giants 11-6 (wc #1)
cowboys 7-10
commanders 5-12 (rivera fired after week 9, replaced by bieniemy)
bears 12-5
lions 9-8 (wc #3)
vikings 7-10
packers 5-12
falcons 11-6
panthers 8-9
buccaneers 5-12 (bowles fired at end of season)
saints 4-13 (allen and loomis fired at end of season)
seahawks 10-7
49ers 9-7-1 (wc #2)
rams 7-10 (mcvay, donald, and stafford all retire at end of season)
cardinals 3-14
wild card round:
chiefs over steelers
jets over bills
dolphins over jaguars
lions over bears
falcons over 49ers (shanahan fired after game)
giants over seahawks
divisional:
ravens over jets
dolphins over chiefs
eagles over lions
giants over falcons
conference:
dolphins over ravens
eagles over giants
eagles beat dolphins in the super bowl
mvp: justin fields
oroy: jalin hyatt
droy: will anderson
opoy: kenneth walker
dpoy: roquan smith
coach: arthur smith
exec: ryan poles
comeback: damar hamlin | MarsKid
09.06.23 | "titans 7-10 (vrabel fired at end of season)"
All I needed to know that you were joking lol | AlexKzillion
09.06.23 | oh yeah forgot players awards
mvp: jalen hurts
opoy: christian mccafrey
dpoy: micah parsons
oroy: anthony richardson
droy: will anderson jr.
coach: arthur smith (falcons)
exec: brian gutekunst (packers)
comeback: damar hamlin | vult
09.06.23 | AFC Seeds
Chiefs
Bengals
Jaguars
Bills
Chargers
Steelers
Jets
NFC Seeds
Eagles
49ers
Lions
Saints
Cowboys
Seahawks
Vikings
mvp: Mahomes
oroy: Bijan Robinson
droy: Brian Branch
opoy: Ja'mar Chase
dpoy: Micah Parsons
coach: Doug Pederson
exec: Joe Douglas (Jets) / Howie Roseman (Eagles)
comeback: damar hamlin | MarsKid
09.06.23 | The Chargers need to make the playoffs or barely miss them, no exceptions. | AlexKzillion
09.06.23 | nah i think anything less than an afc championship game appearance is a disappointment for the chargers. they have one of the best young qbs in the league still on a rookie contract and are a super expensive team with a ton of veterans. they're "stacked" on paper and its only gonna get harder from here for them. | MarsKid
09.06.23 | Oh I agree, but in terms of MY entertainment, that's what I want lol | AlexKzillion
09.06.23 | fun exercise... what constitutes as a successful season for every team?
bengals: win the super bowl
ravens: afc championship
steelers: make the playoffs
browns: win a playoff game
bills: make the super bowl
jets: win the super bowl
dolphins: make the afc championship
patriots: make playoffs i guess?
jaguars: make the afc championship game
titans: make the playoffs
colts: anthony richardson is good
texans: cj stroud is good
chiefs: win the super bowl
chargers: make the afc championship
broncos: win a playoff game
raiders: josh mcdaniels gets fired
lions: win a playoff game
bears: justin fields takes the leap
packers: jordan love is good
vikings: win a playoff game (?, prob the toughest one)
falcons: win the division
saints: win the division
panthers: bryce young is the guy
bucs: #1 pick
eagles: win the super bowl
cowboys: make the super bowl
giants: win a playoff game
commies: sam howell is the guy or top 5 pick
niners: win the super bowl
seahawks: make the nfc championship
rams: make the playoffs?
cardinals: #1 pick | AlexKzillion
09.10.23 | niners are so fucking scary holy shit | Snake.
09.10.23 | run-cmc in da house |
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