MarsKid
Mitch Worden
Emeritus

Reviews 172
Approval 98%

Soundoffs 200
News Articles 34
Band Edits + Tags 478
Album Edits 1,058

Album Ratings 5906
Objectivity 86%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 21,030

 Lists
09.20.23 MarsBro's Court of 2023 ♦08.30.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '23-'24 Preseaso ♦
06.23.23 Mars 23/5: All the Goodies ♦02.24.23 straight edge friendos
01.28.23 Mars Ranks: Avantasia01.11.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '22-'23 Season F ♦
01.09.23 The Weekly Dive: Doom and Melodic Death01.06.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 18
01.02.23 The Weekly Dive: Hip-Hop12.28.22 Build-an-Album II, GAME OVER: Adios, Am
12.27.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1712.26.22 Mars Ranks: Blue October
12.20.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1612.13.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 15
12.12.22 Build-an-Album II, R13(P3): The Final C12.08.22 MarsBro's Court of 2022
12.07.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1412.04.22 Build-an-Album II, R12(P3): Just One of
More »

MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 18

Almost at the end... and then post-season football is upon us!
32Corey Feldman
Angelic 2 The Core

Houston Texans (+/-0)

Yeah... we all knew how this was going to go, and yet it was somehow worse than expected. This team can't make it to the off-season fast enough. At least the draft should be super exciting!
31Meghan Trainor
Thank You

Indianapolis Colts (-1)

Under Jeff Saturday, the Colts have ceased to exist in the 4th Quarter. Then again, if you watch their games (don't), you'd notice how they hardly play in the other quarters to begin with. The culture has clearly taken a hit, as evidenced by Nick Foles writhing in pain on the ground while his linemen just walked away. If the big men up front are out, then things are fucked.
30Suicide Silence
Suicide Silence

Denver Broncos (+1)

The Broncos managed to have an offense! Unfortunately, it is still the Denver offense, which is led by Russel Wilson. The loss could've been penciled in weeks ago.
29Sleeping With Sirens
Feel

Chicago Bears (+/-0)

Justin Fields desperately needs support. The defense needs support. The whole team needs support. I mean, yikes, it's just broken from top to bottom on that roster for the most part. Time will tell if a competitive team can be fielded by his new regime, but they've certainly got their work cut out for them.
28Kanye West
Donda 2

Arizona Cardinals (+/-0)

At this rate, a lucky member from the audience may be able to start for the Arizona Cardinals. Early reports indicate that Midsbury will be kicked out the door, but with *this* ownership, I'll believe it when I see it. JJ retiring is just another blow to take in a season full of them, and AJ Green calling it a career potentially wouldn't exactly soothe the sting. This team felt so close to something so recently, but any hope is up in flames at this point.
27Pianos Become the Teeth
Drift

Tennessee Titans (-3)

Allegedly, the organization will be making significant coaching changes come the off-season. If that does not include Todd Downing, then... I don't even want to cross that hypothetical bridge. Also, Josh Dobbs--heard of him before? No? Sounds right--looked infinitely better than Malik Willis in just one start, including throwing for more yards than him in just one game. Cause for slight concern? I think so.
26Spiritczualic Enhancement Center
Transporting Salt

Atlanta Falcons (+1)

Ridder gets his first professional win on the board, although the team still looks pretty ugly. That kind of run-heavy works when you have the insane talent level to make it click (see: Niners), but Atlanta doesn't have that level of consistent personnel. Maybe Ridder will be able to develop more under Smith, but the offense needs some more dynamic weapons to stretch the field and upon up the passing game.
25Rings of Saturn
Rings of Saturn

Los Angeles Rams (-5)

Was I overrating the Rams? Probably. I figured Mayfield would be the minor kick that would get the gears turning--something that prior games hinted at. Cam Akers also seemed to randomly find his old form and start running with confidence. Nothing work against a surprisingly stout Chargers defense, and the roster again looked lost. A divisional rival in Seattle will be their final game, and the Rams have the chance to deny them a post-season trip. Maybe that'll help motivate a solid performance; the Lions sure hope so.
24Robin Thicke
Blurred Lines

Las Vegas Raiders (+1)

I said the Raiders would stay back here, and I'm sticking to that. Yes, the team demonstrated some random competitive spirit that had been drained over the past few weeks, but there are no more pats on the back to offer for McDaniels doing his damn job and actually capitalizing on the offense's talent. Credit to Stidham nevertheless for his gutsy performance; he took some serious shots while delivering clutch passes. In other news, it seems more and more likely Carr is heading out the door, which means McDaniel will get to hand-pick a successor. Time to watch how he messes *this* up.
23Preschool Tea Party Massacre
Hardcore Died With Hitler

Cleveland Browns (+3)

The denizens of Cleveland and unfortunate viewers at home were again reminded that Caron Wentz is who he is, he will not change, and he will gladly give away games. Little late for a Christmas present, but there you. Also, Clowney is probably gone. Strange; you'd think a guy known for under-performing and being a general clown would enjoy being in the premier clown org of the NFL.
22Attila
Chaos

New York Jets (-4)

The beginning of the season is seeming more and more like a mirage. The Jets were on-pace to playing meaningful football late in the season, but the horrible offense was quickly exposed and crumbled under the weight of expectations and Zach Wilson's incompetence. There's still a chance the playoff streak is broken, but it is a distant one. Saleh better be blowing up Derek Carr's phone (or, depending on current events, Lamar Jackson's).
21Architects
The Classic Symptoms of a Broken Spirit

Miami Dolphins (-6)

Welcome back to hell, 'Fins fans. Tua is likely shut down, Teddy is hurt, and all hopes now rest on Skyler Thompson--who might also be hurt. It's a disaster. The offense was rapidly becoming exposed even with key players healthy, so perhaps this was an expected result.
20100 Gecs
1000 gecs

Carolina Panthers (-4)

For what it's worth, Wilks' gambit was clever and nearly paid off. Heading into a late game situation with 3 timeouts gave the team a chance after the field goal. Sadly, his starting QB is Sam Darnold.
19bbymutha
Muthaland

Baltimore Ravens (-5)

I will scream it from the rooftops until this team is rightfully booted from the playoffs: the Ravens are frauds. And if they botch contract talks with Lamar, their fraud levels massively increase. Did I mention the Ravens are frauds?

There were apparently fans out there that believed Huntley was capable of being an adequate successor to Jackson r a high-end backup. That chatter should be 100% dead by now
18Drake
Views

Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

Mike Tomlin refuses to have a losing record. It's going to look awful, it's going to be ugly, it's going to make people think that the organization has no direction or sense of accountability over past errors, but the STANDARD IS THE STANDARD and .500+ will be achieved. Amen.
17Dead/Awake
Melancholia

Washington Commanders (-5)

Rivera decided to start Carson Wentz to add a "spark" to the Washington offense. Adding a spark is what one attempts to do when midway through a season in order to get things back on track, not when facing elimination. Newsflash, Ron: you were facing elimination. And, shock and awe, Wentz looked horrific, unprepared, and the exact same QB he has been for several years. Rivera is a nice guy and all, but at a certain point in time, he needs to be held accountable for his increasingly large amount of mistakes. Absolutely clueless, much like the organization as a whole.
16Humanity's Last Breath
Abyssal

New Orleans Saints (+3)

The Saints defense put on a clinic against the Philadelphia Eagles, absolutely dominating the line of scrimmage against an offensive line that should've played much better. Instead, New Orleans took over the game and never felt as though they were losing control. As time passes, that backbreaking loss to Tampa become more and more of a "What could have been?" Make the playcalling more fun, by the way.
15Turnstile
Glow On

Seattle Seahawks (+8)

That felt good. After sliding for so long, Seattle managed to put together a competent, easygoing game that kept the stress levels low. The downside is that the 'Hawks still played themselves out of controlling their own fate; a Green Bay win knocks them out regardless of if they beat the Rams or not. The Geno Smith question approaches; he likely stays, but how much he gets and for how long is uncertain. Doing pretty well against a formidable Jets passing defense is a good W for his victory column.
14Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter

Minnesota Vikings (-5)

Minnesota had a chance to go up against a divisional rival and make a massive statement. And make one they did; it was one of failure. In arguably their most embarrassing loss this year (which is saying something; they've got plenty of options), the Vikes came out flat against the Pack and not once looked to be gaining momentum. Jefferson was invisible, the defense called in sick, and Kirk Cousins was abysmal. I spoke before about how the team swings pendulum-esque from "We're gonna bullshit our way to a ring" and "We are losing by 100 points." If they can't expose the Bay's flaws or at least be competitive at this stage of the season, I know which direction things are trending in.
13Alestorm
Live At the End of the World

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+10)

Fuck. Tom Brady rediscovered the deep ball, managed to improve his accuracy, and Mike Evans remembered how to catch a ball. And now he has dragged this corpse of a team to .500, a division title, and a trip to the post-season. He just won't die!
12Life in Your Way
Waking Giants

New England Patriots (+5)

The Pats again squeezed out a win via sporadically good offense, mostly good defense, and a dose of bullshit. Nothing better! To keep their hopes alive, they'll have to beat the Buff-oh fuck it they're not going anywhere, everyone else sucks so I guess here's rank 12.
11The Circle Ends Here
The Division Ahead

New York Giants (+2)

The drought is over; the New York Giants are headed to post-season football. In just his first year, Daboll has made some serious magic happen, and he deserves whatever praise comes his way for dragging this roster to the playoffs. Daniel Jones ought to receive a heaping of praise as well. Look at his WR corps; who has done more with less? His rushing is deadly and his passing game has improved, especially with regards to turnovers. It's likely enough for a reward contract, which should help the team continue to build and develop going forward.
10The Dillinger Escape Plan
Dissociation

Green Bay Packers (+1)

Aaron Rodgers now controls his own destiny. Even if Seattle wins, a Green Bay win sends the QB and his squad to the playoffs. Right when you think he can't keep getting away with it...
9Zapruder
Zapruder

Detroit Lions (+1)

That felt good. Chicago is bad, so Detroit did what they should as a superior team and dismantled them. Sadly, there is a fair chance they'll be stuck at home; they hopes hinge on a Rams win versus Seattle. If the 'Hawks win, they'd only be playing spoiler. That shouldn't distract from the fact that, overall, the season has been a massive success, Goff has regained his top ten form, the WR corps is scary, the defensive front is intimidating as hell, and the coaching staff have figured out how to translate their culture to winning games.
8Calvaiire
Forceps

Jacksonville Jaguars (+/-0)

Another day, another Texans loss. The Jags played solid and cruised along. Now? Time to clean things up and snag a division title.
7An Isle Ate Her
Phrenia

Los Angeles Chargers (+/-0)

The offense finally looked like itself for a bit as the game went on. The defense remains the main prize; if it can stay as good as it currently is, Justin Herbert and co. might have some much-needed support when needing to stay competitive and hold onto leads.
6An Embrace of Angels
'Ere January Be Unwintered

Dallas Cowboys (+/-0)

Struggling against the 15th stringers of Tennessee is not ideal. Dak Prescott and his WRs being unreliable at random intervals is also not ideal. Tread carefully, boys.
5I Would Set Myself On Fire For You
Believes In Patterns

Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

Somewhere, slex is nodding in approval (or quietly asking for this ranking to be lower).

Anyways; yikes. Yes, Minshew was starting, but he alone can not be held responsible for such a poor showing against a Saints team that, while deceptively good, shouldn't be stifling such a powerful offense. It seemed as though nothing could get started, even when New Orleans began to stall. Jalen Hurts needs to return, fast.
4Dear and the Headlights
Small Steps Heavy Hooves

Kansas City Chiefs (+1)

Why does this team have a Denver problem? Weird. Also, yes, everyone hears too much about it, but Patrick Mahomes is a special talent. Don't let media hype and Tony Romo's dicksucking distract from that.

Hot take: I enjoy Joe Buck and Troy Aikman infinitely more than Romo. Fight me.
3Amia Venera Landscape
The Long Procession

Buffalo Bills (+1)

This past week's game was a sobering reminder of all that is at stake on any given day in the NFL. It's a sport we all love and enjoy to watch, but it involves people putting their bodies on the line more than any other sport. Damar has thankfully woken up, started breathing on his own and has been able to talk to his loved ones and teammates, so this story has a happy ending. But definitely a scary situation.
2Persefone
Core

Cincinnati Bengals (+1)

Anyone blaming Tee Higgins or the vaccine need to

1) read a book
2) touch grass
3) log off Twitter forever.

Cincinnati's handling of the Damar, both on the field and in the hospital, from medical staff to fans and regular people, was incredible. I'm just glad everyone is coming out of this OK.
1Persefone
Metanoia

San Francisco 49ers (+/-0)
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