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Emeritus
Reviews 172
Approval 98%
Soundoffs 200
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Album Edits 1,058
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Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70
Review Comments 21,030
| MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 15
(mostly) Every team sucks! And that makes it very hard to rank! But here I am, doing my best... | | 32 |  | Corey Feldman
Angelic 2 The Core
Houston Texans (+/-0)
Yes, the Texans are still the worst team in the league. The Broncos can at least, on admittedly rare occasions, have their defense drag the team to a win. There is so much fundamentally broken about this squad that such an effort is impossible, with Dallas proving it; the offense cannot reliably move the ball, and the defense cannot clutch out games. In fairness, they certainly tried their best to prevent what felt like an inevitable comeback, but that's just what separates good teams from bad teams. Houston cannot close out their close contests. An injury to stud RB Dameon Pierce is just another gut punch in a season full of them. | | 31 |  | Unleashing My Demons
Tran(ce)scen(e)dance
Denver Broncos (+/-0)
Russel Wilson finally has a decent-enough game, only to then get injured and leave the game in the closing quarter. If that isn't the perfect summation of the Broncos' season, I'm not sure what else could be; they finally score more than ~17 points just for it to be insufficient and instead result in another player hurt. The frustration continues to boil over--Jeudy is the fit-thrower this week--and Hackett stands motionless, clearly unable to lead or adequately control a roster. Mahomes did his best to toss the game away, but we don't like winning here in Denver! We're ready to tank and reload and... Seattle has our pick?... oh no... | | 30 |  | King 810
La Petite Mort or a Conversation With God
Indianapolis Colts (+/-0)
For the benefit of the viewing audience at home, the Colts sat this week out. Former WR threat TY Hilton is now off to Dallas, where he might experience the unusual sensation of postseason football. | | 29 |  | Emmure
Speaker Of The Dead
Chicago Bears (-1)
As the draft nears and plenty of high-end WR talent from college is declaring for it, the team's willingness to trade away a valuable pick for Chase Claypool becomes a headscratcher. It's still early and Chase could develop, but his early performances have been entirely unexciting. Hopefully a bye week cures all that ails. | | 28 |  | dying in designer
Nobody's Happy.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-5)
Bears fans tried to warn y'all. If anyone ever wonders how Mitch Trubisky lost a starting job in the NFL, this will be the game that is cited; the man simply doesn't have it, throwing three ugly picks that almost certainly prevented the Steelers from gaining any positive momentum. An awful, injured-to-hell Ravens squad was at their mercy, but if the offense keeps shooting itself in the foot like this, there's zero hope of walking away with a dub. The worst part is that I'm not sure if Pickett wins this game; too much isn't clicking on that side of the ball. Whether it's a talent or Matt Canada problem is up to debate, but you should probably fire him anyways to be safe. | | 27 |  | brakence
hypochondriac
Arizona Cardinals (-3)
On today's episode of "Can it Get Any Worse?"... it got worse. Kyler is down with what early reports indicate is an ACL, which adds one final insult to an incredible collapse that was quieted only by the Rams exploding much more dramatically. It has been a steady fall since the 7 - 0 start of last year, and a thin roster ensures that any injury is fatal to winning. The game as a whole seemed cursed for both the Patriots and the Cardinals in terms of players getting hurt. Even *with* Murray, the offense was lifeless and the defense couldn't get it done consistently, which ultimately is a reflection of poor roster construction and poor coaching. Why were these fools ever extended? | | 26 |  | Shemales From Outta Space Of Death
You Never Get A Cannibal-Blowjob Twice
Cleveland Browns (-5)
ELITE ADULT QB UNABLE TO FINISH (NSFW) (18+) (I LOL'D) | | 25 |  | Pianos Become the Teeth
Drift
Tennessee Titans (-6)
Is this more of an emotional rank than a rational one? Most likely, but, well, this is *my* heavily-biased hot-take ranking, so that's how it be.
Here lies the Tennessee Titans Superbowl window (2019 - 2021). It was a fun ride, full of heart attacks and close, gritty wins and incredible upsets. But the team is utterly outclassed at every position and seems completely exhausted. The losses continue, each more embarrassing than the next, making it all too clear that the org is going to need to clean house and begin the rebuild. | | 24 |  | Sachiko M
Bar Sachiko
New Orleans Saints (+2)
Must feel nice to move up while doing nothing. Did you know the Saints can still win the NFC South? Amazing. Don't drop any more passes from my man Andy! | | 23 |  | Coldplay
A Head Full of Dreams
Atlanta Falcons (+2)
Did you know the Falcons could also win the NFC South? Incredible. However, this situation is a bit more compelling: Mariota was benched. That means that rookie third-rounder Desmond Ridder is stepping up to the plate. With a bye week to prepare, Ridder will ideally be able to come out of the gates strong. Should make for an interesting match! | | 22 |  | The Chainsmokers
Memories...Do Not Open
Las Vegas Raiders (-8)
Alright, get back down here, Raiders. As it turns out, Vegas is who we thought they were. Baker Mayfield is not a scrub, but how do you lose to a QB who has had less than 48 hours to learn a SEAN MCVAY playbook? It's a spectacular coaching collapse that only McDaniels could be capable of, with his predictably rancid playcalling ensuring Carr and co. are set up to fail. The naturally porous defense handled the rest with penalties aplenty and a general lack of discipline. All good feelings are gone, all momentum is gone, all hope is gone. The org now stares into the abyss of what's more than likely a massive rebuild in the making and a talent drain, especially with their apparently inability to cut McDaniels due to budget reasons. Should have kept Rich... | | 21 |  | Sights and Sounds
No Virtue
Los Angeles Rams (+8)
For at least one night, Oklahoma Baker returned: clutch factor, precision passing, energy and swagger. Despite barely being a part of the team for two days and only running about 20 practice plays, Mayfield came to town and led some vintage comeback drives to successfully embarrass the Raiders. It was the most alive the Rams have looked all season, and the atmosphere on the sidelines and in the locker rooms reflected that. Baker could easily turn back into a pumpkin, but hey, this has been a rough season for LA; just enjoy the moment before the oncoming fall back to reality. | | 20 |  | Alestorm
Seventh Rum of a Seventh Rum
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2)
Tom Brady gave up his family so that his childhood team could roll out a 3rd-string Mr. Irrelevant and absolutely school his ass. He's certainly showing age in his diminishing accuracy, but the real issue continues to be the coaching of Todd Bowles; he has unquestionably sucked the life out of this team, taking what once was a league-leading offense into an absolute skeleton of itself. The roster has no heart, no spirit, and feels entirely gutted and unable to match up against many teams. They're still on track to sneak into the playoffs, but there's no magic left in this run. Unless Brady shuts the headset off and calls his own number, only disappointment awaits. Terrible scheming, terrible playcalling... a package of terrible. What a waste of a season. | | 19 |  | The Ordinary Things
Something to Believe
New York Giants (-2)
It's hard to beat up on the Giants since, as I've repeated likely several times now, they're still quite a far distance ahead in their rebuild. However, having such an amazing start slowly whither away while the division around ascends is a bitter pill to swallow. The same issue plagues the team: lack of talent, talent's lack of ability to do much, injuries. It's impossible for this roster to match up against a team like Philadelphia, and the script is out on how to stuff any offense the Giants offer. The Lions are nipping at their heels for a playoff spot, and if this slip continues, New York will be sitting this postseason out. | | 18 |  | The Casket Lottery
Survival Is For Cowards
Seattle Seahawks (-5)
The wheels came off the wagon. For perhaps the first time this season, Geno Smith looked like his old self on the Jets, and he had no answers to give against a stout Panthers defense. This recent skid is a damaging one to postseason hopes as the Lions surge behind them, and it definitely exposed the flaws in Smith's game. Gotta get right after this and find what made the team click. Denver continuing to lose at least secures a nice future draft! | | 17 |  | Sorority Noise
Joy, Departed
Green Pay Backers (+3)
lmao Packers sit on their asses and move three spots because the rest of the league sucked more. Yes, this week's list was frustrating to put together. You should see all the notes I threw away trying to make sense of this mess. UGH.
Also, Love wants a trade, maybe. Fun! | | 16 |  | Ab-Soul
Do What Thou Wilt.
Carolina Panthers (+11)
What?! Carolina is WAY too high!
I agree. But over half of the league has been nearly impossible to sort this year due to lack of consistency and overall average-to-bad playing. I mean, the Packers are going to move up three spots on a BYE. Nothing makes sense in the world, just like the Panthers winning three of their last four and threatening to take the South from Tampa. The defense has suddenly come into from and the offense has kept things relatively simple for Sam Darnold. They will still probably miss the postseason and make no mistake, they still suck, but the team's recent streak has them showcasing a new toughness that could alter their fortunes. | | 15 |  | Zygoma
The Forgotten
Jacksonville Jaguars (+7)
Lawrence and co. hit cruise control against the Make-a-Wish secondary of the Tennessee Titans and have now firmly established a scenario where the playoffs are a possibility. It's a pipe dream, but better to dream than to give up. There's still fight in the Jags, and they've got the talent to make some surprise wins as they season winds down. | | 14 |  | Trophy Scars
Holy Vacants
New England Patriots (+2)
Defense wins championships, baby. This is the team for all the dads out there that think offense is silly. Go Pats, I guess.
Fire Matt Patricia though! | | 13 |  | Alter Bridge
Blackbird
Baltimore Ravens (-2)
The Steelers inevitably wanted to lose more. Despite the Ravens putting on an absolutely pathetic display of football, their rivals were somehow worse, allowing Baltimore to limp away with their division crown still intact. However, the cracks have widened into chasms, and injuries are only getting worse. The Bengals remain in lockstep for lead of the AFC North; all it takes is one slip, and this team's weaknesses are far too pronounced to assume that won't happen. I'm not even sure a healthy Lamar helps at all considering they were floundering on offense and dropping passes regularly with him under center. | | 12 |  | Lunarsea
Hundred Light Years
Miami Dolphins (-6)
The San Fran game was forgivable--a "well, we have those games!" kind of thing. But a second flat showing is worth pause. Tua looked supremely awful, posting terrible completion % numbers and spending most of the game seeming lost. It looked as though the Niners, and now the Chargers, were clued in on how to disrupt the timing and rhythm of the explosive 'Fins offense, leading to many throws being off-target or improperly timed. If there's indeed a magic key for defenses to exploit, McDaniel and co. will need to promptly adjust in kind lest their promising season dissolves. A cold, cold day in Buffalo will be a big challenge, but the team will need to prove doubters wrong and get back on track to stop the bleeding. | | 11 |  | Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter
Minnesota Vikings (-3)
When the Vikings lose, they LOSE. This is now the third time they were outclassed on both sides of the ball and stomped on, and it's beginning to turn earlier concerns into blaring alarm signals. This cannot continue; the team has a negative point differential despite their record and almost always fails to show up against sturdy competition. Is it a Cousins problem? An OLine problem? A defense problem? All three? Hard to say. Those drops were definitely not assisting any comeback efforts launched by Kirk and the offense, although Justin Jefferson tried his best. The division is still likely locked up, but the team looks more and more like the paper tiger critics said they were. | | 10 |  | First Fragment
Dasein
Washington Commanders (+/-0)
Losses by Seattle and New York eases up the pressure on Washington's wildcard bid, although a rematch against the Giants fast approaches. Winning that could do wonders in sealing playoff hopes. The bye week should help in getting the team ready for this final stretch. | | 9 |  | Persefone
Core
Detroit Lions (+3)
TOP TEN DETROIT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. TOP TEN DETROIT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In all seriousness, those earlier losses that the team couldn't quite close out sting extra hard right now; they might've been division contenders if things swung the other direction. As it stands, the Lions still remain on the outside looking in, but they're currently receiving aid with Seattle and the Giants dropping games. If teams above them continue to lose and Detroit wins out, they could feasibly sneak into the 7tH seed. Considering how well the defense has started to play--they have the 1st and 2nd place leaders in sacks by rookies--and how dominant the Goffense has become, it'd be a damn crime for this squad to not get a shot at the postseason. What a potentially generational draft class by Brad Holmes! | | 8 |  | Unexpect
Fables of the Sleepless Empire
New York Jets (+1)
For the love of all that is holy, someone give the Jets a decent quarterback. This defense is far too strong to be wasted by an offense that has the tools to succeed but cannot get over the hump. They are tantalizingly close to taking the next level, but far too many close losses have led to the Chargers stealing their Wildcard spot. Mike White will need to become God and the scheme must improve in kind to work to his (limited) strengths. They have playmakers at WR; get them open and open fast. And keep that elite defense off the field! You get to move up a spot anyways because everyone else sucks. Congrats. | | 7 |  | WRVTH
No Rising Sun
Los Angeles Chargers (+8)
While the Jets slightly slip out of the Wildcard slot, the Chargers sneak in. Justin Herbert demonstrating again why he is praised so highly is a big catalyst for this, although his WR corps finally reaching 'healthy' status is a massive bonus as well. OLine struggles persist, although the offense is smartly scheming the pocket such that hits are avoided or minimized. Ideally, more trust will be given to the offense beyond checkdowns as the team looks to finish strong down the stretch. A dominating defensive win is definitely a nice plus, especially against Miami's powerful offensive potential. | | 6 |  | Noise Trail Immersion
Symbology of Shelter
Buffalo Bills (+1)
The Jets dragged Buffalo into a dirty, ugly, physical struggle that was won in the trenches and sealed by defensive stops. Can't complain about walking out against a terrifying defense and taking a W, even if it wasn't the prettiest affair. Especially in the context of their game earlier in the year, the Bills' victory feels more meaningful; they were able to play the Jets at their game and come out of it with an even comfier division lead. Miami is next up, with a dub securing Buffalo's East dominance. | | 5 |  | Blue October
This Is What I Live For
Dallas Cowboys (-3)
I can never make my mind up about Dak Prescot. On one hand, he clearly has ability and physical tools, as well as mental toughness. However, all too often does he throw baffling interceptions that kill a drive and ruin any accrued momentum. He was both the architect of the comeback, but also a big reason why the team stalled against a horrendous Texans team. This is something that can be escaped from versus Houston, but with Philly approaching soon on the schedule, the 'Boys will need to kick it into high gear in order to show up their divisional rival. | | 4 |  | Persefone
Metanoia
Kansas City Chiefs (+1)
Mahomes had himself a shaky game, but the offensive might of the Chiefs proved to be too much for Denver, who was forced into comeback mode very early on in the game. The fact the defense let them hang around too long, however, is potential cause for concern. There have already been instances of the Chiefs going against the top of the league and being unable to 100% step up to the challenge. Definitely not good to have the same mistakes against the Dying Horses. That being said, divisional wins are always a treat, and the receiving threats of the team are succeeding just fine without Tyreek Hill. Kelce is still an absolute beast. | | 3 |  | I Would Set Myself On Fire For You
Believes In Patterns
Cincinnati Bengals (+1)
Joe Burrow finally got the monkey off his back; he snagged his first win against the Cleveland Browns, who until recently had had his number. He was able to accomplish this with a massively-depleted and injured WR corps, doing just enough to score points and put the game out of reach from their divisional rival. Cincy has now proven it can hang with the big boys and win ugly if it needs to; the sky's the limit at this point. They just have to keep winning and hope the Ravens have a good little collapse. | | 2 |  | Ben Folds
Rockin' The Suburbs
San Francisco 49ers (+1)
Jimmy G going down is not the death blow it might have been; the Niners' roster is simply too stacked to fail. The Shanaplan can operate easily with pristine scheming and pure talent level, nearly guaranteeing a playmaker will be open in space and able to snag some YAC. Brock Purdy leveled the struggling Bucs and even showed flashes of greatness, which is certainly a further comfort for San Fran fans. A huge Thursday night game looms against Seattle, with a win clinching the NFC West. In this current state, it seems to be a foregone conclusion. | | 1 |  | Amia Venera Landscape
The Long Procession
Philadelphia Eagles (+/-0)
Say what you will about strength of schedule and such, but the Eagles are doing exactly what they should do if they are indeed a top-tier squad: demolishing (mostly) any team that crosses their path. Jalen Hurts has emerged as the league's leading MVP candidate, with his throwing capabilities and running prowess proving too much for defenses to contain. There are plenty of weapons to choose fro, ranging from AJ Brown's tough, physical receiving style and the ever-elusive Miles Sanders. If the rushing game and Hurts' deep ball accuracy maintain their current trajectories, this team will have a lot of momentum behind them as they roll into the playoffs. | |
MarsKid
12.13.22 | This is gonna be a weird fuckin' list, but I'll try to make it make sense. | Uzumaki
12.13.22 | Bears trading for Claypool was strictly to spite the Packers | tyman128
12.13.22 | you know what??
this is our week | Manatea
12.13.22 | Lmfao at #26 I lost my shit | MarsKid
12.13.22 | lol this list is a mess
It's done! Sorry if the middle is fucked up, but this was legit impossible to sort considering last week's results. | AlexKzillion
12.13.22 | "Is it a Cousins problem? An OLine problem? A defense problem? All three? Hard to say."
their offense is basically "fuck it jefferson's down there somewhere". cousins is having statistically one of/if not the worst season of his career despite playing a bit better in clutch time and they are bottom third in rushing. also have a very not good pass defense.
think overall they are just a perfectly average team who has had the ball bounce their way more than any other team this season. they have an expected win-loss ratio of 6.5-6.5, the exact same as detroit, washington, and jacksonville | MarsKid
12.13.22 | If only Detroit took some of those games. Would have been in such a wildly different situation. | Manatea
12.14.22 | Love this list. Love Detroit’s position. Thanks for putting so much work into this every week Mars | MarsKid
12.14.22 | I try haha, but definitely am a hobbyist at best. My rankings seem to differ greatly from what I check on reddit.
They have us at 14. 14?! Ain't no way. | Manatea
12.14.22 | Lmao you’re way too harsh on the Titans. I mean, maybe not, but still… Anyway, we’ll see how Baker does on Monday. Will probably be a crushing defeat but you never know lol. | MarsKid
12.14.22 | Yeeeaaaaaah I acknowledge that haha. I am still too emotionally invested. If they beat the Chargers than suddenly it's time for the Superbowl again.
I just don't want to see another playoff embarrassment... | AlexKzillion
12.14.22 | "I try haha, but definitely am a hobbyist at best. My rankings seem to differ greatly from what I check on reddit."
i really enjoy your rankings because you don't value the past anywhere near as much as most other power rankings. think a lot of people just assume, for example, that the dolphins and ravens will be fine and keep them in the top 10 because they were great in september and october etc, but you very much seem to rank with the idea that anything longer than three weeks in the past is irrelevant which i think gives a much clearer read on how teams actually look. you've also had denver in the 30s nearly the whole time you've been doing this while all the big publications have been reluctant to drop them from the late teens/early 20s because "they are gonna figure it out soon! they just are!" despite them showing literally no sign of turning it around haha | mrdogthrow
12.14.22 | gas has finally been let off for the hawks. still happy about this season even if we lose out the rest of the year. our defense needs help and it needs it bad. | AnusNballs
12.14.22 | 25s line will probably be much worse next season too :/ | MarsKid
12.16.22 | And with that, the Niners have locked up the West.
The Shanaplan rides again | unclereich
12.19.22 | well today was something | MarsKid
12.19.22 | Sometimes you just gotta accept ho the gods grant you a dub lol | AlexKzillion
12.19.22 | yesterday's notes:
- my worries for dallas reared their ugly head in a big way yesterday. secondary got absolutely torched and the jags got pressure all day. dem boys need to get healthy or find a solution quick
- i sold off a lot of my trevor lawrence stock a couple months ago and i regret it
- chargers have all but locked up a playoff spot with yesterday's win + pats and jets losing
- looking more and more likely the lions will make the playoffs, who have a cake walk schedule the rest of the way
- if there was ever a doubt the vikings are not very good, going down 33-0 to the colts completely erases it.
- dolphins look back to normal despite the loss | MarsKid
12.19.22 | Jets were the last big hurdle for Detroit. They proved they could score at will, but they needed to grind out a tough one against a lockdown defense. Goff had an off game, but hard to be on-target with a secondary that deadly. Still have to win out and need teams above them to keep sliding.
The Lawrence that was promised seems to have arrived, and they've got some fun offensive firepower to toy with. Not a team you want to face right now. | AlexKzillion
12.19.22 | my weekly steelers aside: god i am just so fucking over these diva wide receivers. pickens throws a temper tantrum every drive he goes without a target and has gotten multiple mind numbingly dumb unnecessary roughness penalties... and diontae cries to the media every week about how much he hates trubisky, constantly drops passes, runs backwards nearly every time he actually does catch the ball, and is likely to negate the rare big play he does end up making by taunting the defender he beat
i thought trading claypool would fix the problem but its somehow gotten exponentially worse... can't stand either of these guys
really hope we trade diontae in the offseason, could probably get a first for him... truly one of the most overrated players in the league and has basically become the litmus test for whether or not people watch steelers games. for all pickens's faults he at least looks like a potentially elite player | MarsKid
12.19.22 | I don't think the org really vets for character at all, there have been too many Steelers divas for it to just be a coincidence. Which is a culture issue, which should trace back to coaching.
Really just need someone who won't tolerate that shit. | unclereich
12.19.22 | Chargers look exactly like the raiders did last year, no lead is safe yet the ball always bounces their way. Luck is a hell of a thing. | MarsKid
12.19.22 | If they needed luck to beat us, that's a yikes lol | nol
12.20.22 | the lions rn man… wtf is happening
absolutely the most Detroit Lions™️ way to go 7-7. To think I was pretty adamant about canning campbell’s ass like a month and a half ago… just wtf | nol
12.20.22 | and the jets game gave me a fucking heart attack lmao | MarsKid
12.20.22 | Detroit's next obstacle on their schedule will be containing Justin Fields.
Seeing as no team has really learned how to do that yet... good luck, Lions! | DominionMM1
12.20.22 | yeah but the bears defense sucks and the lions offense is good. plus the lions have what is easily the best s/t units in the league in terms of epa. | nol
12.20.22 | tell that to our fg kicker | nol
12.20.22 | I’m just spoiled from Matt Prater and Jason Hanson, the new guy is doing pretty good | DominionMM1
12.20.22 | 45 expected points added for Detroit’s special teams. next closest team has 32 (per robert mays) | nol
12.20.22 | Jesus
I wouldn’t say the rest of their sched is a cakewalk tho because 1) it’s the lions 2) all three of the panthers, bears and packers have good reason to want to make us look foolish | nol
12.20.22 | exactly | unclereich
12.20.22 | cant wait for these Christmas Eve games! |
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