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Tea (and Its Music) Ranked!

This is a music commentary! Out of the 10 teas I most encounter and make at work, I have ranked them according to how awesome they are (or aren't) and have paired their attributes and characteristics to music with similar traits. Sound pretentious? Yes, yes it is. Read on...
10Holy Fuck

Peppermint Tea TASTES LIKE: altoid soup. Peppermint is a horrible blast of jolting herbs to the sinuses that knocks you out in one merry Christmas-y sip. One of the more offensive "herbal" teas there are, Peppermint should really only deserve a visit when treating (ineffectively, at that) a head cold of sorts. It's an acquired taste though, I hear. SOUNDS LIKE: the acquired taste - jarring, non-subtle music. Anything abrasive enough to be considered "exciting" in some circles yet decent to still be considered music.
9Mumford & Sons
Sigh No More

Honey Lemon Tea TASTES LIKE: veggie-burger. Not quite the hoarse-throat soother that is chamomile, Honey Lemon shows up to the party a notch higher than Peppermint because instead of being a cup of boiling Vicks vapour rub, Honey Lemon at least gets a bit of honey-goodness in your system. Unfortunately for this stereotypical "comfort"-tea, honey is what we put in real tea to make it smoother, not what we emulate and pair with lemon flavouring, of all things. SOUNDS LIKE: mainstream's best imitation. While on the surface containing all the winning characteristics of music bound to uplift your soul and get your toes tapping, it's not quite what the authentic stuff is made of and leaves a sour taste in your mouth with repeated listens.
8Kings of Leon
Only By The Night

Rooibos Tea TASTES LIKE: old oatmeal. South Africa's tea of choice and my tea of choice in South Africa when I found out it's really all that was available, rooibos is a "red tea" which means little to me but tastes like rubbish unless you throw some dairy in it and a couple sugars. It's a tea that demands you have diabetes if you want to enjoy it and even when it's masked by whatever you tossed in it, it still kind of tastes like a bowl of tepid, liquid porridge. SOUNDS LIKE: music you'll enjoy when drunk. Sometimes you get what you pay for when you turn on the radio but sometimes something comes on that you'll settle for and almost enjoy. The chances you'll like what you hear are even higher if you're wearing alcohol ears.
7Owl City
Ocean Eyes

Lady Grey Tea TASTES LIKE: a community garden. Lady Grey, despite having the pleasure of being a black tea, is just like its name: an effeminate Earl Grey tea. And guess what? Earl Grey is already the black tea designed for girls. That horrid bergamot oil that defines any "Grey" tea resounds loud and clear in this watered down cup of mediocrity. SOUNDS LIKE: any music that can be described by the term "(band-name)- lite". If the artist wears its influence on its sleeve and the influencer isn't that great to start with, it's a match made in heaven.
6The Dear Hunter
Green EP

Green Tea TASTES LIKE: mystery. I had green tea when I was 7 once and am too lazy to buy any for the sake of this pointless list. Benefit of a doubt gets this tea ranked 6 out of 10... seems fair. SOUNDS LIKE: the obvious, uneducated choice.
5The Postal Service
Give Up

Earl Grey Tea TASTES LIKE: black tea for losers. Earl Grey is a popular choice for some reason but it contains bergamot oil and is therefore condemned to hell. Being in reality a modified Orange Pekoe tea, Earl Grey resembles a tea that you would want to drink but really regret drinking quickly. The only instance Earl Grey is necessary is in a London Fog or when Chamomile is unavailable, in which case it can be quite kind on a sore throat (when taken with honey). Screw you, honey lemon herbal tea. SOUNDS LIKE: the decent side-project. Still better than the watered down, bastardised imitators but not quite as good as the real thing. It contains most of the elements of an artist's true success story but throws in a few elements that make it a little less enjoyable than it should be. Taking a good thing and making it a little worse for wear.
4Explosions in the Sky
The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place

Chamomile Tea TASTES LIKE: a warm herbal blanket. Chamomile, like ginger, is nature's relaxing medicine and was first given to me by an Ecuadorian woman when I told her my oesophagus had ruptured. Never taken with milk, chamomile is like using a hovering waterbed to have sex over a sandpaper assembly line. When life gets tough, it's there to sooth you. SOUNDS LIKE: the angelic and cliche relaxing album. Something that retains a sense of mystery in its gentleness but never quite lets you forget that its a powerful piece of art. Something that can be described by sandpaper hover-sex.
3Rx Bandits

Chai Tea TASTES LIKE: a bomb. The reigning king of herbal teas, Chai is a peppery combination of chives, cardamom, fennel and miracles that is good with or without milk and sugar added - making it both versatile, eclectic and awesome. Its loud characteristics make it the most distinct type of tea in this list and its uniqueness and variety of different ingredients (depending on the recipe) also makes it kind of a wildcard. SOUNDS LIKE: the out-of-the-box genre-switcher. Unpredictable and technically impressive, the artist should be interesting and exciting enough to rope those self-diagnosed with ADD yet grounded and accessible enough to appeal for the masses.
2Fleet Foxes
Fleet Foxes

Orange Pekoe Tea TASTES LIKE: the middle child. Orange Pekoe really is just a medium-grade of black tea and not a tea in itself but most of America seems to think it is so we'll humour it. Orange Pekoe is really just the "second-best" black tea on this list - it is comforting, yes, and it tastes like your typical black tea (it IS your typical black tea) but it doesn't reach the heights of our yet-announced winner. It is always a safe fallback if you don't get your first choice and never disappoints. SOUNDS LIKE: that inoffensive, enjoyable band. You know, the band that's hard to have any sort of opinion on - they're not mind-blowing and they're not horrible beyond belief. They're just a pleasant, inoffensive band that makes music you enjoy but not music you stand hours in line for. If you left your Decemberists CD in the house when you went out for a drive, you put this in without regretting too much.

English Breakfast Tea TASTES LIKE: life. English Breakfast is the tea of all teas. The blend of black teas is strong, dependable and perfect for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. It is what black tea tastes like, only better - it's ready for day-to-day, on-the-go life but it still relaxes and empowers like any hot caffeinated beverage should. You can always trust English Breakfast to satisfy you. SOUNDS LIKE: that band that never sucks. Album in and album out, this band has yet to outright fail, let alone suck even moderately. They're just that dependable.
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