ArsMoriendi
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Last Active 12-09-22 12:08 am
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Pitch Me One of Your 5s Like You're a Salesman

Instead of just your basic "rec me stuff" list where you just post a shopping list's worth of descriptionless recs, I wanted to try something different. So rec one of your 5s to me as if you were a really annoying and overattentive sales person. I promise, and I mean promise, to listen to what I consider to be the the top 5 pitches in July. There's 3 simple rules to follow when pitching:
1Hiatus Kaiyote
Tawk Tomahawk

Rule 1: Each user can only pitch 1 album, so try to make your pitch specific and convincing.

Rule 2: Remember, if you pitch me something, you have to make it sound like it's something I, ArsMoriendi, want to "buy" or "listen to" so there's probably certain genres and artists that won't be successful.

Rule 3: If your pitch is under 3 sentences, I'll probably ignore it. If it's SUPER LONG, I might actually give it extra attention for your effort, but I really only expect 3-5 sentences.
2Minutemen
The Punch Line

I'll add all pitches to this list with the album they correspond to.

The opportunity to "pitch me an album" on this list will close at midnight on June 30th. Due to space available, the maximum amount of pitches allowed are 99. I doubt that there will be that many though.

And I hope that this is an interesting alternative to the typical "rec me stuff" list. Good luck Salespeople.
3The Amity Affliction
Youngbloods

Pitch #1: HeckToPay

Are you an angsty teen almost out of your emo phase? Want to stay emo in denial for a few more months? Check out Youngbloods by The Amity Affliction! Emotional synth infused metelcore breakdowns and corny sing alongs the whole family can enjoy!
4Third Eye Blind
Third Eye Blind

Pitch #2: Conmaniac

I see you haven't rated Third Eye Blind's s/t so...

Picture this, it's 1996 and and you're sitting outside on the beach on a hot sunny day. You have your radio next to you and you're soaking up the good weather and summertime vibes. All of the sudden a familiar sounding song comes on the radio, the "doot-doot-doots" instantly click with your brain because of their inherently catchy nature. You may dismiss this song as another dumb catchy wanna be alt-rock track but something about it just draws you. Intrigued? If so check out Third Eye Blind's self-titled album. It's a 13 track album chalk full of nostalgic vibes, feel-good melodies, and summertime vibes. There's not a single bad track on here GUARANTEED! But wait, there's more!
5Third Eye Blind
Third Eye Blind

If you thought because of the poppy sounding instrumentation that this album would be a vapid, lifeless album lyric wise then you're wrong! Within each track some of the darkest and saddest topics are hit upon including drug abuse, breakups, and even death. Third Eye Blind's self-titled album is certain to have you feeling all kinds of ways.
6Brand New
Deja Entendu

Pitch #3: Funeralopolis

How's work been treating you lately?

No, I mean really, like be honest with me, is the boss putting the pressure on you again?

Why do we even put up with this kind of treatment you know. Remember back when you were a teenager? It was a frightening time, a time of excitement, adventure and maybe even a little trouble. It was a turbulent time, a time not bogged down by taxes, and seemingly endless shifts. But the funny thing is that excitement you felt, that fire in your belly, never really died, it just... got older.
7Brand New
Deja Entendu

You still have it in you the youth, the fire, life is hard, but life is a game, a game we all pretend to understand but.... let's face it, we're all just figuring it out as we go along right? Hey I think actually I have just the album for you. Let me introduce you to 'Deja Entendu' the breakthrough album by pop punk/ emo band Brand New.

An album that understands that fire, that captures youth and its struggles. You still have it, it is still there, come and rediscover not only your youth but yourself. This world is big and crazy, even a little bit scary. We're all just kids at heart. Brand New- Deja Entendu. available now for only 49.99.
8Ozric Tentacles
Arborescence

Pitch #4: JasonCarne

From the makers of such great products like "Jurassic Shift" and "Erpland", the Ozric Tentacles company are proud to bring you a new kind of experience that is both PMRC and FDA approved AND scientifically proven to improve your outlook on everyday life. Introducing "Arborescence", a new, revolutionary way to transcend space and time on an instrumental psychedelic excursion through the wilderness of your mind. Take two doses every 24 hours or as directed by me until you've 5'd it. Side effects may cause relaxation, ecstasy, elation, and a temporary disconnection of mind and body. Shoutbox your doctor if your mental conditions worsen or fail to improve, there may be nothing science can do to help you.
9Standish/Carlyon
Deleted Scenes

Pitch #5: THeGreatQ

Picture this: you and your lover of the week are visiting Japan in 2077 as imagined by 1982. Your hotel is this old and grimy building, you know the type. You don’t want to think about what’s under the cushions or what happened in the bed before you got there. You especially don’t want to imagine the chances that the sheets were washed after the last occupants left. But instead of giving you a vague sense of nausea, you feel at home. You find a VCR, and wonder what the hell it’s doing in 2077. There’s a tape in it. It’s porn, because what else would it be in a place like this? You also find a container in a drawer. It’s full of some kind of drug. What kind? Who cares, you take it anyways.
10Standish/Carlyon
Deleted Scenes

Now you look back at the porn that you started up before, and through the blurry haze of the drugs you start thinking it looks pretty hot. So you and your lover act it out. Damn, they came up with some good moves. After a few rounds you’re both tired out and the tape has run out. You lay in bed looking out the window. It’s night, and raining. You turn the TV to the music channels. You surf until you find the right thing, the music that just sums up your night. Deleted Scenes by Standish/Carlyon comes on. You know it’s right.
11Ichiko Aoba
0%

Pitch #6: Toad

The twinkle-twangle of guitar strings. The roobly hoolala of a beautiful woman's vocal chords fluttering. Better ingredients make a better pizza, they said...and god damn it they were right. BUT WAIT! Gooberly lyrics aboot Johnny Breakup and being Snowflake McSpecialton? Self-pity and pit selfies? So many beautiful tunes with ruinous broods atop! If only there was stripped-down singer-songwriter music sans noobish rumination!

Ichiko Aoba. Stop understanding the lyrics...and start enjoying them.
12Million Dead
A Song to Ruin

Pitch #7: Tunaboy45

Feeling like just another cog in the machine? Lost in the existential nightmare that is modern life? Well I'm not going to lie to you and say A Song To Ruin will alleviate your feelings but it may very well offer an understanding companion and someone for you to share your feelings with. Your life may never get better but at least you can make it slightly less painful.
13Bomb the Music Industry!
Vacation

Pitch #8: SnakeDelilah

HI, SPUTNIK BILLY MAYS HERE WITH BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY: THE BADDEST, RADDEST, MOST REFRESHING SIX-PIECE PUNK BAND ON THE MARKET, GUARANTEED! HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: FIRST APPLY A WAX COPY OF VACATION TO YOUR TURNTABLE, TURN THE MACHINE ON, PUT THE NEEDLE DOWN, AND JUST RELAX. IT'S THAT SIMPLE! THE SECRET IN THE MUSIC IS THAT THE SOUND VIBRATIONS COME IN SHARP AND UNADULTERED SOUND WAVES, PARALLELING THE MUSIC ITSELF TO A NICE, RELAXING DAY ON THE BEACH OVERLOOKING AN OCEAN WITH CALM, ROLLING WAVES. AND THE BEST PART: THERE'S NO SKA! FANTASTIC! SOME RECORD STORES WOULD CHARGE THIS KIND OF MUSIC FOR $30.00, BUT IF YOU CALL NOW, YOU CAN GET THIS OFFER FOR ONLY $9.99! AND IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, WE'LL DOUBLE THAT OFFER WITH JEFF ROSENSTOCK'S MOST RECENT ALBUM, WE COOL! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER:

*To order your copy of Vacation and We Cool please call 1-800-DIY-BTMI*
14The Wytches
Annabel Dream Reader

Pitch #9: PattBraderson

Do you remember when Jack White played gnarly ass guitar like a motherfucker? Don't you miss the unique quality of emotion that Kurt Cobain captured in his voice? Haven't you always wondered what haunted houses and spooky ghosts would sound like materialized as a 3 piece band? Well my Good Friend, feast your eyes and ears on the Wytches! This surf/punk/grunge band from England cut their chops with their debut album 'Annabel Dream Reader' in 2014 which is a front to back masterpiece of fury, anger, sadness, and fear. This young trio of Brits pack an array of energized and heartfelt tracks and the sky is the limit for these lads! Don't wait! Call now! (views reflected in the ad may be exaggerations and not totally factual)
15Order From Chaos
An Ending In Fire

Pitch #10: pissbore

What does the Bhagavad Gita sound like on Wax through a Concept Hip Hop Opera Progressive Suite Lens?

LOOK NO FURTHER than the LEGEN-FUCKEN'-DAIRY MAGNUM OPUS BY US Pop Musick/Majick Incantat0rz Order From Chaos, "An Ending in Fire" [1995] (1998)
16The Dillinger Escape Plan
Irony Is a Dead Scene

Pitch #11: LPFTW/TVC15

Hello there, what’s your name? … May I ask you just a brief question? Ah, well, have you ever noticed how many albums released recently have been bloated operas that fill up about more than an hour’s worth of your time and you just want a short and sweet experience that gets your blood as boiled as a 2 hour black metal album? Never fear, then, I’ve got the PERFECT album for YOU!

Introducing Irony is a Dead Scene, an album crafted by the minds of The Dillinger Escape Plan and legendary vocalist of the bands Faith No More/Mr. Bungle/Fantomas/Tomahawk/Peeping Tom, Mike Patton! Clocking in at just a little under 18 minutes, this album can make any stretch of time of 15-20 minutes feel like only a few seconds!
17The Dillinger Escape Plan
Irony Is a Dead Scene

You can do just about anything and feel like a badass mofo as Patton schizophrenically screams in your ears “GAME OVER, I WIN” when you finally finish studying for a hard quiz for your anatomy class, or “I THOUGHT I WASN’T SMART ENOUGH TO SUFFER” as you figure out where in the world you parked your car in the huge parking lot of the mall, or “HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY” as you pick up the right cat food for your dog, or even as he menacingly whispers “COME TO DADDY” when you pick up a gorgeous bag of apple wood smoked, thick cut bacon in the grocery store.
18The Dillinger Escape Plan
Irony Is a Dead Scene

But, wait, you don’t really care about the lyrics anyway, and/or are a deaf bastard and hate Mike’s godly vocals anyway? Well, the erratic shredding and tight-as-almighty-hell musicianship ensures that you waste your time or run your errands as quickly and as effectively as possible. Plus, don’t worry too much about the highs the record will give you as the metalcore breakdowns ensure a brief break filled with rhythmic headbanging or even enough time to start a small mosh pit in your living room right before the initiation of the NBA Playoffs game.

The toll free number to call for this fabulous product which only costs $666, call 1-800-CUM-2DDY and if you call in the next 5 minutes, we’ll DOUBLE the products received for FREE! Call now as supplies are running out! AGAIN, that’s 1-800-CUM-2DDY for a purchase that you WON’T regret purchasing!
19Local H
Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles?

Pitch #12: Supercoolguy64

Do you like catchy old school hard rock riffs, but hate the term "dad rock"? Well, I have an album for you. A perfect blend of snark, beastly drumming, great production and flat out great rock song writing, Whatever Happened To PJ Soles? is an album that can be enjoyed by annoying cunts who think post-1980's music is total shit and kids who hate the music their parents listen to. A concept album about a once famous individual who now lives as some washed up, cynical celebrity, Local H prove themselves to be the modern day equivalent to The Led Beatles, or whatever they're called again.
20Scott Kelly
The Wake

Pitch #13: AdolfChrist

Are you tired of these sissy boys wearing thick rimmed glasses and flannel writing indie folk about breakups? Do you crave an emotional folk masterpiece with a real sense of weight and pain? Listen to Scott Kelly's "The Wake". An album of minimalist folk, listeners will hang on every poetic word and pause gracing this slow burning album. Scott Kelly's worn, manly voice will simultaneously make you want to cry and wish he was your dad.

Scott Kelly's "The Wake". A man's folk album. Get it now, pussy.
21Gotye
Like Drawing Blood

Pitch #14: theNateman

Do you like novelty records? Do you enjoy sampling and soundscape creation more than DJ fuckin shadow himself? Well then do I have the record for you! Now this here record is the pop record you never knew you wanted! This album, titled Like drawing blood takes the best out of 60's pop vocals, funky sampling and groovy dance tunes to the next fucken level! Gotye, this boardface of a man has created the perfect sexy sad album to play to your sweetheart, all the while giving artistic freedom a whole new standard! Listen now and let your soul take flight!!!
22Melt-Banana
Fetch

Pitch #15: JigglyPDiddy

Have you ever snorted meth before? No? You won't need to when you take home your very own... Fetch by Melt-Banana on vinyl! Not only is this package frantic, chaotic and otherwordly, it's also face-meltingly addictive! No more picking at the skin from unreal insects or flying out of windows. Come get all your brain-splitting, mouth watering, ear-throbbing fun with Fetch! Copy of 'Charlie' not included with this offer. Call while supplies last.
23The National
Alligator

Pitch #16: MistaCrave

Do you value music based on its emotional impact? Do you care more about the subjective values of an album more than its appeal to the masses? If you answered yes to one or both of those questions, then The National's LP "Alligator" is the perfect record for you. The National are one of the most critically acclaimed indie acts, and for a good reason. Featuring witty, poetic, and sometimes heart-wrenching lyrics, Alligator tells tales of love and loss, as well as discussing the emotional and social dilemmas that we face regularly. The instrumentation found on this record could be described as nothing less than immaculate. Not only does Alligator offer top-notch instrumentation and lyrical depth, but the atmosphere created by the music will envelope you completely, leaving you entranced for the record's entirety.
24The National
Alligator

The appeal of Alligator won't cease to occupy your thoughts once the record has ended; you'll be constantly reminded of its sheer and utter perfection as you find yourself humming the vocal melodies or tapping your feet to its drum lines without even realizing it. If you enjoy music that can connect with you emotionally and evoke profound emotions, then I implore you, purchase The National's record "Alligator" as soon as you possibly can. You won't be disappointed.
25Iggy Pop
The Idiot

Pitch #17: Frippertronics

The aural equivalent to living in Berlin circa 1976, going cold turkey on your various dirty habits, and exploring the nightlife in the wintry city. Iggy Pop, assisted by the late David Bowie and his band, created a cold, almost-robotic post-punk masterpiece that would lay the blueprint to Joy Division's own classic albums (Unknown Pleasures, Closer) in the future. Must I mention that it has the best version (this is not up for debate) of China Girl? Once you hear the tortured cries of Iggy's version, David's slick pop remake just won't do the job anymore.
26Kyuss
Welcome to Sky Valley

Pitch #18: CaimanJesus

Welcome to Sky Valley is the aural equivalent of stumbling through a scorching desert at night. Kyuss have created an essential Stoner Rock album, filled with interesting riffs, stunning vocals, and an atmosphere that can only be described as desert like. With a run time of almost 52 minutes, Welcome to Sky Valley is broken up into 3 tracks consisting of multiple songs, which are titled: Movement 1, Movement 2, and Movement 3. If that hasn't already piqued your interest, Queens of the Stone Age vocalist Josh Homme is Kyuss' guitarist.
27Nas
Illmatic

Pitch #19: EvilEyez (probably a troll alt.)

Nasillmatic tells us how it is and puts Wu tang to shame showing there can be intelligence in the hood rap game. Nasillmatic has to overcome handicap of only being able to talk over music and not sing but he's very apologetic about it and I forgive him. You should forgive the home boy to.

Album starts with talking and a beat and ends with talking and a beat but what happens in between is the magic of the school of tough nockers. Let these lessons smother you and put smile on yo face negger.

Whenever I press play I sit back and thank all my fans that I am a great singer and not the singing mute nasillmatic. I feel sorry for nasillmatic that he went to his grave with this sadness and it's even written on the tomb stone (I know!) 'here lies nasillmatic, may he rest in peace, negger couldn't sing'. Phewey.

you will love
28The Dismemberment Plan
Emergency & I

Pitch #20: SurfWaxAmerica

Ever been distraught about people who you call your friends going to social interactions without you? How about feeling generally jaded and feeling a little pent up as you enter your early 20s? If so you might want to check out The Dismemberment Plan's "Emergency & I". Here you have a bunch of alt-rock meets post-hardcore with a dash of mathrock. You have excellent, catchy tracks that take very rewarding risks while still remaining intact. Top that with excellent rhythm sections, strong lead guitars with touches of synths and Travis Morrison's impassioned vocals with interesting wordplay and you have one of the best albums to come out of 1999.
29The Boo Radleys
C'mon Kids

Pitch #21: zakalwe

Want a psychedelic, folk, trippy, balls out, britpop rocker that will soundtrack your summer?

Want madness, melody tunes a plenty and something you can play loud and jump around to like you've snorted a trillion sherbet fountains?

Go Radleys.
30Thank You Scientist
Maps of Non-Existent Places

Pitch #22: DinosaurJones

Ever been confused about what genre you wanted to be? Do you have part of an orchestra in your band? Well, if horns worked for ska, and violin worked for Yellowcard, then why not combine them? Thank You Scientist's Maps of Non-Existent Places features tapping solos, jazzy bridges, and toe-tapping, infectious, venereal disease-like choruses. But you'll be okay catching this one!
31Anal Cunt
Picnic of Love

Pitch #23: ConcubinaryCode

Are you tired of bands that just don't know how to convey the feeling of true love? Disgusted by anything musically heavier than a schoolgirls giggle? Have I got the cure for your empty post church Sunday afternoon time slot! Anal Cunt's beautifully composed "Picnic of love". Put this on your tape deck and gaze wistfully out the window as you think back to the time when kids were holding hands instead of having sinful intercourse while worshipping Satan in the parking lot of your favorite local grocer. Imagine back when the American was full of wholesome gentlemen who respected women's feelings. Imagine being serenaded by the most angelic voice to penetrate the ear canals of your weary head as you lay down and dream of wholesome morals and pure musicianship. Imagine this a reality because it is. Buy picnic of love and experience the love today.
32Spiritualized
Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space

Pitch #24: TheSpaceMan

For every day in July you do not listen to this album, I'm going to kill a hostage. I have 31 children ready in my basement, a few of them you may know.
33Slipknot
Iowa

Pitch #25: oltnabrick

Probably the heaviest album of all time. It basically ended nu-metal. Every track on this is a classic. A lot of people complain about the lyrics but like its Slipknot what were you expecting, that's what makes it great. A powerful and unique metal album.
34Napalm Death
The Peel Sessions

Pitch #26: rabidfish

Napalm Death - Peel Sessions: Like alchemists, or more like meth cooks, ND have distilled the essence of hate and violence into a 21 minute masterpiece. 25 songs of incompressible screeches and groans that just exude with the purest form of anger. ND are not just angry with multination corporations, or the food industry, or capitalism, they are angry with the world, with the universe and with existence itself. The HATE you, they hate themselves and they will forever hate everything forever. More than any other Grind or power violence band, ND have reached the archetypical heights of being pissed the fuck off not just as a way of life, but as an entity on itself... The peel sessions it's a 21 min. portal into hell.
35The God Machine
Scenes from the Second Storey

Pitch #27: Willie

What if Jane’s Addiction discovered doom and decided to squeeze as much of that sound as they could into their bass-driven alt rock sound? What if together those two sounds actually came together better than they usually do apart? That’s what this album is. It’s an album that works better as a whole than as individual parts. During that time you’ll hear heavy driven numbers, slow brooding acoustic tracks, rhythmic abstract-ish songs, and a lumbering 17-minute moody beast.
36Los Jaivas
Alturas de Machu Picchu

Pitch #28: MrSirLordGentleman

You've been stressed as hell in your work for the last few months, right? Yeah, I know that feeling and I can tell you that what you need right now is some Jaivas

Get ready for some atmospheric, calming and complex prog rock that will take you straight to the Andes mountains!, get on a trip to south america without leaving your sofa!, it is the ultimate achievement in vacations technology. Exotic and fresh as hell with its latin folk sound but also welcoming with its classic prog touches, you're guaranteed to enjoy a beautiful experience
37Los Jaivas
Alturas de Machu Picchu

Become one with Mother Earth as we've worked with some of the best people in the field for this journey to be the best one you've taken. Lyrics written by Nobel Award winner Pablo Neruda and sexy and exotic vocals and instrumentation by some of the best musicians in Latin America. Alturas will definitely take you away from the stress of routine into a magical, deep and philosophical trip!

(Lyrics are in Spanish, and we do not provide a translation. Any interest the buyer has on the lyrics will require him to speak spanish or translate the lyrics by himself) .*Read this last part in a super fast-paced way*
38Pavement
Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain

Pitch #29: danielcardoso

Everyone needs a good 'summer band' every once in a while, and in this department pavement have got you covered. Their lush tones and upbeat melodies, perfectly noticeable on this album, just sound perfectly suited for sunny august afternoons. This is a classic that comes from your everyday mates, crazy and uninteresting dudes that happen to write some good tunes now and then. Going from indie to psychedelic, punk, folk and experimental in a flash, this sounds incredibly cohesive at all times, featuring enough hilarious one-liners, offbeat lyrics and jagged guitars to keep you constantly interested. Listen, relate, love and thank me later.
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