Cut The Racket
Or an alternate take on rock'n'roll history. |
| 1 |  | Ludwig Van Beethoven
Late String Quartets
It is only logical to start our history of rock'n'roll with the first musician ever. |
| 2 |  | Frederic Chopin
12 Etudes, Op. 10
A once prominent pianist who fell out of grace with the public after Lester Bangs
called him a "faggot." Also the inventor of sadness. |
| 3 |  | Richard Wagner
Siegfried
Though often accused of ripping off Manowar, Richard Wagner's operas were
seminal in the development of heavy metal. |
| 4 | | Igor Stravinsky
The Rite Of Spring
Often credited as the first musician to experiment with drugs. |
| 5 |  | Leadbelly
The Best Of Leadbelly
Upon coming to the realization that he would not be able to come up with the
money to hire an orchestra, Leadbelly grabbed a guitar and invented the blues. |
| 6 |  | Woody Guthrie
This Land Is Your Land
After the tragic death of his friend Ernest Hemingway, Guthrie took up the guitar as
a sign of mourning. |
| 7 |  | Howlin Wolf
The Howlin' Wolf Album
Keith Richards purportedly said after watching Howlin Wolf perform for the first
time; "that is one pissed-off motherfucker." |
| 8 |  | Charlie Parker
Bird And Diz
A big pal of Stravinsky's, Parker decided that the whole singing trend had "gotten
old." |
| 9 |  | Charles Mingus
The Clown
Heroin jazz. |
| 10 |  | John Coltrane
Giant Steps
The last jazz recording before the genre mysteriously disappeared. |
| 11 |  | Elvis Presley
G.I. Blues
A landmark album originally released as a propaganda item for the Korean War. |
| 12 |  | Johnny Cash
The Original Sun Sound Of Johnny Cash
Cash rose to fame with the now infamous slogan, "white people have problems too." |
| 13 |  | Roy Orbison
Orbisongs
Legendary singer in possession of three testicles. |
| 14 |  | Beach Boys
Pet Sounds
The first pop record ever. |
| 15 |  | The Velvet Underground
The Velvet Underground & Nico
Heroin rock. |
| 16 |  | Van Morrison
Astral Weeks
A concept record about transsexual prostitutes. |
| 17 |  | King Crimson
In The Court Of The Crimson King
After yelling the phrase "you're fucking boring," at a Rolling Stones concert he
attended, Robert Fripp recorded this album with the help of some street bums. |
| 18 |  | Captain Beefheart
Trout Mask Replica
After his successful Martian expedition, Neil Armstrong (R.I.P.) came back with a
recording of their messages to humanity. We have yet to decipher it. |
| 19 |  | Black Sabbath
Black Sabbath
A field recording of an elephant giving birth and subsequently taking a massive shit. |
| 20 |  | Comus
First Utterance
A dangerous gang of rapists and LSD addicts decides to record a folk album. |
| 21 |  | Can
Tago Mago
Being largely inactive since Wagner, Germans decided to get back into "that whole
music thing." |
| 22 | | David Bowie
The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars
The first autobiography in rock and roll form. |
| 23 | | Pink Floyd
Dark Side of The Moon
A frightful retelling of a bad peyote trip accompanied by sophisticated guitar solos. |
| 24 |  | Hawkwind
Space Ritual
A recording of the infamous "Woodstock" festival. |
| 25 | | Magma
Köhntarkösz
After which the French were officially banned from participating in any form of
culture. |
| 26 |  | Kraftwerk
Autobahn
After creating the first computer, the members of Kraftwerk set to making funny
noises with it. |
| 27 |  | Tangerine Dream
Phaedra
And then their neighbors stole the idea. |
| 28 |  | Lou Reed
Metal Machine Music
A recording notorious for being overplayed at weddings, bar-mitzvahs and rehab
centers. |
| 29 |  | Fleetwood Mac
Rumours
Americans who somehow knew how to spell the word "Rumours," as well as how to
write some swell tunes. |
| 30 | | Motorhead
Motorhead
Upon discovering that music could be played fast, Motörhead dedicated the entirety
of their career to the gimmick. |
| 31 |  | Wire
Pink Flag
Taking Motörhead's revolutionary idea of playing fast to new extremes, Wire
effectively created punk rock. |
| 32 |  | Brian Eno
Ambient 1: Music For Airports
When people became tired of actually having to pay attention to music. |
| 33 |  | Joy Division
Unknown Pleasures
The first band to ignore Lester Bangs and take up on Chopin's idea that music could
be sad. |
| 34 |  | Black Flag
Damaged
Essentially an album of vegetarian Wire covers. |
| 35 |  | Einsturzende Neubauten
Kollaps
A bunch of people hitting a bunch of shit. |
| 36 |  | Bad Brains
Bad Brains
After which it was agreed that this "punk" thing had gone far enough. |
| 37 |  | The Cure
Pornography
Brazzers rock. |
| 38 | | Metallica
Kill Em All
The result of giving hillbillies electricity. |
| 39 |  | Celtic Frost
Morbid Tales
The first musicians who ever read a book, mainly due to the fact that they lived in
boring-ass Switzerland. And even then it was just Crowley. |
| 40 |  | Meat Puppets
Meat Puppets II
Recordings of cow herding in the 19th century, found and subsequently by the
Smithsonian foundation. |
| 41 |  | Kate Bush
Hounds Of Love
After women were allowed access to recording equipment in the 1980's it was
discovered that they actually had some cool ideas. |
| 42 |  | Tom Waits
Rain Dogs
Hobos are people too. |
| 43 |  | Pixies
Come On Pilgrim
Probably the most popular band ever until their singer tragically shot himself at the
peak of his career after struggling with fame and a crippling heroin addiction for
years. |
| 44 |  | Dead Can Dance
The Serpent's Egg
Contemporary re-recordings of ancient Egyptian music. |
| 45 |  | Autopsy
Mental Funeral
The album that introduced the world to the idea that burping over rock music was
cool. |
| 46 |  | Talk Talk
Laughing Stock
40 minutes of the band attempting to tune their instruments. |
| 47 |  | Darkthrone
Under A Funeral Moon
Upon being asked what it was like to live in Scandinavia, Fenriz recorded this album. |
| 48 |  | Thergothon
Stream From The Heavens
Contrary to popular belief, this is the only band Chthulu ever played in before
becoming a family man. |
| 49 | | Pavement
Slanted & Enchanted
Stephen Malkmus pioneered the idea of writing music without ever actually leaving
your couch. |
| 50 |  | Earth
Earth 2
A compilation featuring the most popular lullabies of the 20th century. |
| 51 |  | Wu-Tang Clan
Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
A spoken word recording in opposition to Ronald Reagan's presidency. |
| 52 |  | Guided By Voices
Bee Thousand
Stephen Malkmus changed his name and got a distortion pedal. |
| 53 | | Merzbow
Venereaology
In a desperate attempt to get some quiet time with his S&M porn collection,
Merzbow attempted to make the album that would end all music. |
| 54 |  | Neptune Towers
Caravans To Empire Algol
After he finished recording Under A Funeral Moon, Fenriz realized he was tired, and
recorded this in order to chill out some. |
| 55 |  | Radiohead
OK Computer
Because no one ever really got over Dark Side Of The Moon. |
| 56 |  | Endura
Black Eden
The album that inspired Hitler's "Mein Kampf." |
| 57 |  | Neutral Milk Hotel
In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
A bolivian chanteuse trying her best to read surrealist poetry while some asshole
plays a french horn in her ear. |
| 58 |  | Graveland
Following The Voice Of Blood
The album that established Nazism definitively as rock's ideological voice. |
| 59 |  | Gas
Zauberberg
Ecstasy was the only drug with no music to accompany it, a problem that this
album promptly solved. |
| 60 |  | Boredoms
Vision Creation Newsun
Talk Talk's Laughing Stock being played backwards and at double speed. |
| 61 | | Current 93
I Have A Special Plan
A recording of David Tibet's talking to his first date. |
| 62 |  | Bjork
Vespertine
The album that made the world realize Iceland was a real country. |
| 63 |  | Autechre
Confield
This album is to Advil what Zauberberg was to ecstasy. |
| 64 |  | Kayo Dot
Choirs Of The Eye
Toby Driver attempted to compile everything that had come before him into one
record so that no one would have to listen to anything else ever again. |
| 65 |  | Shiina Ringo
Kalk Samen Kuri No Hana
An album so good that no music was ever made again after its release. |
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